Anger Final

123 West Main Street
New York, NY 10001 | www.carecounseling.com| P: 555.123.4568
F: 555.123.4567
CARING
COUNSELING CENTER
New York, NY 10001_______________________
www.carecounseling.com
|P: 555.123.4568
F: 555.123.4567
Anger
Management
Debra Wallace MS
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
The Therapy
Tree Wellness
Center
PositiveReframe.org
847 850-9444
Though we all have the fear and the seeds of anger
within us, we must learn not to water those seeds and
instead nourish our positive qualities – those of
compassion, understanding, and loving kindness.
Thich Nhat Hanh

New York, NY 10001 | www.carecounseling.com| P: 555.123.4568
F: 555.123.4567
"The nonviolent approach does
not immediately change the heart
of the oppressor. It first does
something to the hearts and
souls of those committed to it.
It gives them new self-
respect; it calls up resources
of strength and courage that
they did not know they had.
Finally it reaches the
opponent and so stirs his
conscience that reconciliation
becomes a reality."
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Non-violent
Reality

• Anger is a normal feeling and natural reaction;
one of the mind's ways of reacting to things that
it perceives to be wrong.
• “severe distress, hostile feelings because of
opposition, a hurt, etc.; to excite wrath.
(Webster)
• uncontrolled anger often leads to rage and
violence
• “a strong, uncomfortable emotional response to a
provocation that is unwanted and incongruent
with one’s values, beliefs, or rights (Thomas,
1995)
• Often secondary emotion =>Build up of
embarrassment, shame, hurt, grief, vulnerability,
fear; Fear turned outward
Anger Defined
“While anger can
sometimes lead
people to do shocking
things, it can also be
an instinct to show
people that
something isn't
right.”
Debra Wallace MS LMFT
www.PositiveReframe.org

Behavior
Stress
Love Fear
All negative
behavior comes
from a state of
stress and unmet
need
Triggering
Sensory
Event
Dr Bryan Post
Emotion
The Stress Model
www.postinstitute.comDebra Wallace MS LMFT

The
downside
• Immediate effect: anger “floods” the brain with stress
hormones & “flips our lid”, disrupting higher level brain
functioning such as attention, planning, decision making,
problem-solving
• Long term effect: Increases fight/flight response,
Dysregulation, and Hyper-arousal State: chronic anger,
hostility, vigilance; lowers tolerance & resilience, and
increases risk of impairing or destroying connections in
the brain and for dis-ease
Negative effects on emotional & physical wellbeing
• If ignore anger, then builds inside becomes depression, anxiety, addictions or
health problems, then eventually explode hurting others and self
• Experience more negative feelings, thoughts and consequences; Tend to repeatedly
make poor decisions when dysregulated;
• Increase stress and risk of side-effects for loved ones, especially children
• Become more reactive or disconnected which affects ability to self-regulate, learn
new skills and keep healthy relationships
• Uncontrolled anger is a danger to your health, your job, your relationships, and
most importantly, your life Debra Wallace MS LMFT

Research on Anger
• Beware of venting and negative/aggressive release
as it can reinforce negative beliefs/energy &
fight/flight arousal
• Chronic anger tends to cover incredible pain
• Greatest predictor of satisfaction in marriage is
how people handle conflict and anger
• “women's anger is fueled primarily by substantive
violations of their core values. Their anger arose in
circumstances of powerlessness, disrespectful
treatment, and lack of reciprocity in their most
important intimate relationships (Thomas et al.,
1998)”
• “women's anger generally appeared rational and
justifiable, given the situations of recurrent
injustice…It is not irrational to expect to be listened
to and treated with respect by significant others”
• Typically, people who are easily angered come from
families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled
at emotional communications.
“Let us not look back in
anger, nor forward in
fear, but around in
awareness.”
James Thurber

Anger Management
• Does not mean to never be angry
• Anger has self-protective value
- Activates arousal of fight/flight response
- Assert/maintain boundaries
- courage to correct injustices
• Transform anger to positive change
Managing Anger means one can:
 reducing physiological arousal
 change irrational & hostile thoughts
 decrease stressors & environmental stimuli
 Stop negative behaviors that harm self and others
as well as inhibit problem solving & positive
connections
“Give evil nothing to
oppose
and it will disappear by
itself.”
Tao Te Ching

“Anger is a great force.
If you control it, it can
be transmuted into a
power which can move
the whole world.”
William Shenstone

Anger Management
Worksheet
1. What event or problem is making me feel angry?
2. What are the signals that tell me I am angry?
• Body Signals: clenched jaw, tense muscles,
sweating, heart racing, etc…
• Thought Signals: “I hate him/her.” “I can’t handle
this.” “I’m not going to take this anymore.” “I give
up.” etc…
• Action Signals: hit, yell, threaten, tremble, withdraw
3. What can I do to relax my body?
4. What “helpful self-talk” can I use to control my
thoughts?
5. What effective action can I take to deal with the
situation or solve the problem?
6. What is my anger trying to teach me?
It takes four
generations to
recover from every
act of violence.
Rebecca Adamson

Strategies to transform Anger
1. Awareness of anger, triggers, and physiological responses
2. Understand underlying feelings and unmet needs
3. Process Stress: communication, relaxation techniques & self-care
4. Change perceptions and self-talk
5. Connect
Anger is in fact a
gift when it
prompts our
mindful action.

Awareness
Mindfulness
• A way to become aware of your thoughts, feelings,
and behaviors in any given moment within body,
mind, spirit & relationships
• “Paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in
the present moment, and non-judgmentally.“
~Jon Kabat-Zinn
• Non-evaluative, accepting, compassionate
approach to your inner experience
“Between stimulus
and response there is
space. In that space is
our power to choose
our response.”
Viktor E. Frankl

Understand and Process
• Identify underlying feelings and needs
• Journal or Letter writing
- Rip it up, seal it in an envelop, send it or don’t
• Active Listening:
- Goal is to understand, summarize, ask clarifying ?’s,
empathize
• Assertive, Non-violent Communication to express
- “I Statements” I feel _______________
when (briefly describe specifics)
because (share more about your past)
I would like (specific request or need).
• Learn positive ways to deflect abusive
statements
• Exercise, Art, Dance, Hobbies, Hug, Sing, list is
endless
“Anybody can become angry
- that is easy, but to be angry
with the right person and to
the right degree and at the
right time and for the right
purpose, and in the right
way - that is not within
everybody's power and is
not easy.”
Aristotle

Relaxation Techniques
• Breath Work
- Deep breaths, 4-7-8 Breathing
• Biofeedback
• Meditation
• Visualizations
• Bilateral Stimulation
Walk, spin, alt tap, stress balls
• Emotion Freedom Technique(EFT)
• Progressive Muscle Relaxation
• Yoga
SENSORY STIMULATION:
Your stress system is
affected by sensory input;
what you hear, taste, touch,
smell & see
– Music
– Aromatherapy
– Environment
– Temperature
– Touch, gentle,
respectful: massage
& hugs
A matter dealt with
gently is sure to
prosper, but a matter
dealt with violently
causes vexation.
African proverb

SELF-CARE ESSENTIALS
• Write out personalized Self Care plan
• Think of what brings love, peace & joy, make a
commitment to doing it consistently.
• Do your B-E-S-T for yourself, your partner, your
family, and your community: Biological,
Emotional, Spirit(ual),Thoughts
• Healthy Mind Platter by Dr. Dan Siegel: time for
Focus, Play, Connecting, Physical, Sleep, Time In, &
Down Time
If you are patient
in one moment of
anger, you will
escape a hundred
days of sorrow.
Chinese proverb

Change Perceptions
• Anger heightens irrational thinking, “always/never”
• Use positive self talk and affirmation statements
Instead of: judging or catastrophizing…"oh, it's awful, it's terrible,
everything's ruined,"
Tell your self:
• "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's
not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow.“
• “Right now I feel anger. I give myself permission to feel angry because I
have a right to express myself and my emotions.”
• “I can handle this.”
• “I am hopeful.’
• “Lord help me take control of myself right now.”
• “This soon will pass.”
• “My loved one must be under stress [or is suffering, etc].”
• “We will find a solution.”
“It is wise to direct your
anger towards
problems — not people;
to focus your energies
on answers — not
excuses. “
William Arthur Ward

In heat of Moment
• Relaxation Techniques: Deep
Breaths
• Take a Time out
• Positive Scripts, Affirmations,
Prayer
• Emotional Freedom
Technique EFT or tapping
• Get Support or mediation
Proactive/preventative care
• Active Listening,
Assertiveness and Non-
violent communication
• Spiritual Practice
• Mindfulness, Meditation
• Self – Care
• Humor
• Gratitude
• Empowerment
• Empathy, Compassion, and
Forgiveness
Connect
“Holding on to anger,
resentment and hurt only
gives you tense muscles, a
headache and a sore jaw
from clenching your teeth.
Forgiveness gives you back
the laughter and the
lightness in your life. ”
Joan Lunden

Further Reading
• Dance of Anger
by Harriet Lerner
• The Anger Control Workbook
by Matthew McKay & Peter D. Rogers
• A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook
• Connecting Across Differences: Finding Common
Ground with Anyone, Anywhere, Anytime
by Jane Marantz Connor PhD
• Responding to Everyday Bigotry: Speak Up!
http://www.dal.ca/content/dam/dalhousie/pdf/d
ept/hrehp/speak_up_handbook.pdf
• Non-violent Communication www.nvc.org
• http://www.helpguide.org/mental/anger_manage
ment_control_tips_techniques.htm
• http://mommynoire.com/37663/angry-women-
management-healthy-relationships/
by Abiola Abrams

HELPED (excerpt),
by Alice Walker
…”HELPED are those who strive to give up their
anger; their reward will be that in any confrontation
their first thoughts will never be of violence or of war.
“HELPED are those whose every act is a prayer for
peace; on them depends the future of the world.
“HELPED are those who forgive; their reward shall be
forgiveness of every evil done to them. It will be in
their power, therefore, to envision the new Earth.“…

Anger Final

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