1. Zombie U.
By
Tifany Lee
A Story about Family in Two Acts
© 2011 Tifany@TifanyLee.com

2. Cast of Characters
Frank:
Moose:
Constance:
Rich:
Girlfriend Du Jour:
Mom:
Dad:
Chorus: Halloween Partygoers &
Environmental Activists

3. ACT I
Scene 1
On the eve of Halloween.
In the dark we hear a muffled moan.
At rise, a dorm room decorated with horror movie
posters and paraphernalia. There is a twin bed and
drawers on one side, a small couch, TV, and coffee
table on the other.
FRANK, a college student, is asleep in front of
the blaring TV set.
TV
Authorities say the gruesome murder of Robert Ward
occurred outside of the victim’s home where the body
was found yesterday. The investigation has incorporated
portions of the local University prompting mild
hysteria on campus. Concerned parents have formed a
Coalition for the Safety and Protection of Students,
asserting that local authority’s inefficacy in previous
investigations...
Frank rouses from sleep with a loud belch and
smacks his lips. He turns off the TV.
FRANK
Tasty.
Another, more insistent moan issues from the
closet. Frank rises and opens the door and
MOOSE stumbles out.
FRANK
Stuck in the closet again, Moose?
MOOSE is imposing in stature. His guttural groans
turn to speech.
MOOSE
...Aah, uh, I dunno, Frank. I’m hungry!
CONSTANCE enters dreamily, carrying books.
FRANK
Hey, look, it’s Constipated!
CONSTANCE
Oh, lovely. My brother and his pet Moose. Why can’t the
two of you live in your own room, Frank? It was, after
all, assigned to you.

4. 2.
MOOSE
Your room is cleaner, Constance.
CONSTANCE
Since when is cleanliness a factor in your lives?
FRANK
(mock formally, like a butler)
May I ask what is up your butt?
CONSTANCE
I have studying to do. And then I have a meeting to
attend tonight. I have been invited into an exclusive
and very important environmental activist group on
campus. The leader asked me himself after my very
thoughtful comment on population management in our
shared anthropology of trash class. Rich said he’d like
the group to hear my views.
She falls into her daydream again as she flops on
her bed. Frank holds his face and bats his
eyelashes.
FRANK
Oh, Rich, would you like to come over and look through
my trash?
Moose snort laughs.
MOOSE
I just took a dump, Rich. You wanna see?
The boys laugh merrily, snapping Constance out of
her daydream.
CONSTANCE
You know, you two are a perfect example of the problem
with our present society. You don’t care about anybody
or anything but yourself, you make a huge mess for
someone else to clean up-in this case, me...
(she picks up trash)
Look at this mess! Imagine your impact on the
environment beyond the state of this room. The trash
will swallow us up whole and we shall live in trash.
FRANK
That is such bullshit, Constance. When and if the trash
of the world becomes such a problem then the free
market will find the solution, not some college kids’
think tank devised for the sole purpose of hooking up.

5. 3.
CONSTANCE
The free market is the problem. It creates all of this
trash.
FRANK
You better not let Dad hear you speak such blasphemy.
What would you propose? Socialism? Communism?
CONSTANCE
Why don’t you get your own opinions instead of just
repeating everything Dad says? Our parents’ generation
is the reason we are in this present mess.
FRANK
That is ridiculous.
CONSTANCE
They thought it was a good idea to build a billion cars
so we could pave the world, drive to the shopping
center and buy the crap they tell us we need, and then
praise God on Sunday for delivering us from poverty
created by a world made of money.
FRANK
You are a Communist!
MOOSE
Constance is a Commie?
CONSTANCE
I am not a Communist. I am an American. Am I not
allowed to have an opinion that varies from the status
quo? Well, my opinion is that money is the problem. It
ought to be eradicated completely.
Frank clasps his hands to his heart and bats
eyelashes.
FRANK
Is that what Rich says?
CONSTANCE
Actually, no. That is a belief I have come to on my own
through careful observation. Rich’s efforts are focused
on stopping environmental degradation and the
coinciding loss of quality of life. As the leader of an
environmental group, his role is about fighting the
system, not figuring out its cause or origination.
Either way, he is doing something with his life and for
the greater good which is more than I can say about you
and your pet Moose.

6. 4.
MOOSE
Hey!
FRANK
We are pop culture connoisseurs, modern
anthropologists.
MOOSE
Yeah!
CONSTANCE
Sitting around and smoking pot while playing Resident
Evil all day is not doing something with your life.
Frank’s cell phone rings.
FRANK
(into phone)
Hello, parental unit...yeah, Mom, I’m in her room
now...okay, I’ll put you on speaker...
(to Constance)
Mom wants to talk to us.
MOM
(on speaker phone)
What has Constance eaten today, Frank? Am I on speaker
phone? Constance, have you eaten?
CONSTANCE
I’m fine, Mom.
DAD
(also on speaker phone)
That’s not what your mother asked, Constance.
MOM
Your father’s on speaker phone with me.
FRANK
So we hear...
MOM
Alright. They can hear us, dear.
DAD
It is a marvel of technology. We’re all speaking
together as a family from two different cities across
the state, provided for by the ingenuity of technology,
built by the great hands of the Capitalist system.
CONSTANCE
You mean, Japan?

7. 5.
DAD
Constance!
FRANK
Oh, no. Here we go...
MOOSE
Where are we going? Dinner, I hope...
MOM
Is that Moose? Tell Moose we said hi.
FRANK
Mom says hi, Moose.
MOM
Oh, silly! He can hear me. Hi, Moose.
MOOSE
Hi, Ma.
DAD
Frank? What’s this I hear about a murder on campus?
There is a knock at the door.
FRANK
(to Constance)
That’s for me. I’m expecting someone.
CONSTANCE
Your having guests over to my room now?
FRANK
Well, I can’t very well invite her over to my place.
Constance opens the door for Frank’s GIRLFRIEND DU
JOUR, a redhead offering up a six pack of beer.
Resigned, Constance holds her arm up to invite his
new girlfriend in. Frank kisses her and holds a
finger up to his lips. She pops open a beer.
MOM
What’s going on over there?
DAD
Frank, can you hear me?
FRANK
Uh, yeah, Dad, it’s just that we suddenly have
company...
Frank’s Girlfriend sits on his lap.

8. 6.
DAD
Alright, well, we’ll make it quick then.
MOM
Your father and I are stopping by for a surprise visit
tomorrow on our way to the convention. We can have a
traditional family dinner. Doesn’t that sound good,
Constance?
CONSTANCE
I wouldn’t really call it a surprise visit if your
telling us about it...
DAD
Watch it, young lady. Watch your tone.
FRANK
That seems appropriate somehow for Halloween weekend--a
visit from the parents.
DAD
Are we not allowed to visit for Halloween? Is that not
coool?
MOM
Should we wear costumes?
FRANK
No, please don’t.
MOM
Frank?
FRANK
Yes, Mom?
MOM
Make sure that Constance eats.
FRANK
Yes, Mom.
MOM DAD
Bye, we’ll see you Look forward to it...
tomorrow...
CONSTANCE FRANK
Alright, bye. See you then.

9. 7.
FRANK
What’s a-happenin’, hot stuff?
GIRLFRIEND
Hi, Frank.
FRANK
Moose, turn on the television. I bet there’s a scary
movie on...
Moose does as he is asked. Constance stands over
the little couch with her hands on her hips,
indignant, as Moose and Frank grab beers and get
comfortable on the couch.
CONSTANCE
Excuse me.
FRANK
Come on, Constance. You’re leaving for your little pep
rally soon and it’s the eve of Halloween.
CONSTANCE
What does that have to do with anything?
FRANK
It means great TV. And we need the added ambiance of
your room.
GIRLFRIEND
(to Constance)
I would think that you like scary movies based on your
design sensibility.
CONSTANCE
I didn’t decorate my room. Frank did.
GIRLFRIEND
(to Frank)
Nice work.
Frank and Girlfriend kiss. Constance throws her
hands up in the air.
There is a knock at the door. Constance opens it.
RICH is an attractive young man in army fatigues
complete with homemade insignias on his front
pocket.
CONSTANCE
Rich!

10. 8.
RICH
Hey.
(Acknowledges Frank, Moose, and
Girlfriend)
Whaddup.
FRANK
What is up.
RICH
Just fighting for what’s right, man.
FRANK
And what is wrong? I’ve always wondered.
CONSTANCE
Rich, this is my brother Frank and his friend Moose,
and Frank’s girl...
RICH
Cool. Just stopping by to make sure you’re going to be
at our little Suarez tonight.
CONSTANCE
Definitely.
RICH
Awesome. See ya.
CONSTANCE
See ya.
She stares after him.
FRANK
Oh, God, get a room.
Moose laughs loudly.
FRANK
(falsetto)
Oh, Rich, I can’t wait to see you at the nerd rally
tonight.
MOOSE
Yeah, they’re real nerds.
FRANK
Let’s sit around and talk about our problems in
camouflage.

11. 9.
CONSTANCE
Dumb ass.
FRANK
Fight the power with "deep conversation."
GIRLFRIEND
And get drunk! Whoo hoo!
CONSTANCE
For your information, this is a radical club based on
action.
FRANK
For getting some action.
CONSTANCE
No, in taking action against the people who flagrantly
use more than their fair share of the earth’s precious
and finite resources.
MOOSE
What does that mean?
FRANK
(mock horror)
They kill litterbugs.
CONSTANCE
We make examples of certain people...
FRANK
Litterbugs?
CONSTANCE
It’s not a joke. (beat) I’m going to study.
She gathers her books and exits.
MOOSE
I don’t understand anything she says, Frank.
FRANK
I know, man. Me neither.
MOOSE
Who is she talking about?
FRANK
Who knows? She’s fallen for an idiot environmentalist.

12. 10.
The trio adjusts and gets comfortable on the
little couch before falling under the hypnosis
of the scary movie on TV. We hear screams and
groans emanating from the television set.
FRANK
This is so ridiculous.
GIRLFRIEND
It’s great. I love it--the cheesy suspenseful music,
the terrified victim, the zombies...
FRANK
It’s great, but ridiculous.
GIRLFRIEND
(slightly offended)
What’s so ridiculous about it?
Frank moves his Girlfriend off of his lap and
beside him on the couch so that he can sit on the
edge, closer to the TV.
FRANK
Well, why are they so slow--these zombies?
GIRLFRIEND
They’re not always slow. I just did a paper on the
evolution of zombie speed in my film class.
(ominously)
They’re getting faster.
FRANK
No, I don’t necessarily mean their speed, I mean their
intellect: they’re always so stupid.
GIRLFRIEND
They’re dead.
FRANK
So?
GIRLFRIEND
So...they are no longer living...
FRANK
And the living have some kind of monopoly on
intelligence? I find that highly suspicious.
GIRLFRIEND
Life is intelligence, intelligence is life.

13. 11.
FRANK
So everybody’s dumb in the afterlife?
GIRLFRIEND
Huh?
FRANK
If life is the only source of intelligence, then all of
those souls in Heaven are wandering around witless...I
would be right in that case to choose Hell.
GIRLFRIEND
No, dummy, the soul is the source of intelligence and
life and it leaves upon a person’s death.
FRANK
Hunh. A soul.
Frank sits in thought while Girlfriend looks at
him. Finally he speaks.
FRANK
And we know of the presence of the soul how exactly?
GIRLFRIEND
You’re ridiculous.
FRANK
Next your going to tell me that zombies can’t
procreate.
Frank leans into Girlfriend seductively. She
rebuffs his advances by pushing him off.
GIRLFRIEND
I find it highly doubtful that you are so in the dark
about the rules of the zombie monster. It’s easy:
they’re dead, they can’t talk, they can’t procreate.
They can only eat the flesh of a human.
FRANK
I’m just saying that the rules seem a bit stringent in
light of recent technological advances--a little gene
splicing here, a dollop of zombie blood there, a
diluted strain that is mutated genetically and you have
a monster that lives forever.
GIRLFRIEND
Your getting your monsters confused, Dr. Frankenstein.
The couple falls again under the hypnosis of the
movie on TV. After a moment, Moose pipes up.

14. 12.
MOOSE
What resources?
FRANK
Huh?
MOOSE
Connie said resources.
FRANK
Oh...Connie’s talking about oil, trees, I guess.
MOOSE
(thinks)
Like truckers and tree loggers?
GIRLFRIEND
Like cars and smog and stuff...
FRANK
It’s more than that...
MOOSE
Why care about oil and trees?
FRANK
Because we’re going to use up all the oil and cut down
all the trees and all that will be left are too many
people.
MOOSE
Sounds perfect.
Girlfriend looks at Moose.
FRANK
She just needs something to care about, something to
assuage her guilt.
MOOSE
Guilt for what?
Frank stares at Moose for a moment.
FRANK
Alright, Moose, you’ve fulfilled your quota for
questions that you are allowed to ask me in a day.
MOOSE
But we should help her, Frank. She’s upset with us.

15. 13.
FRANK
We could make an example for her radical group.
MOOSE
Yeah! Who?
FRANK
Somebody who is wasting resources. Who’s hungry?
GIRLFRIEND
I’m not. I’m on a diet.
Frank’s Girlfriend gets up. She gathers the
depleted six pack.
FRANK
Alright. Catch ya later, Baby.
They kiss and she exits.
FRANK
(he points at Moose)
You’ve been hungry...
Frank picks up the phone and starts dialing.
MOOSE
I’m always hungry.
FRANK
We can make an example of the pizza man.
MOOSE
The pizza man?
FRANK
He drives around for his job.
MOOSE
Pizza man! Pizza man!
FRANK
(on the phone)
I’d like to order a large supreme. Delivery.
Fade.

16. 14.
Scene 2
Later that night.
Frank and Moose are smoking a joint in Constance’s
room. A pizza box lays on the floor and a human’s
leg sticks out from under the bed. Moose wears a
pizza delivery man’s hat.
FRANK
Alright, That’s enough, Moose. Pass it here.
Constance begins to enter with Rich not far behind
her.
CONSTANCE
That was so deep, Rich.
She stops in the doorway. She quickly turns
towards Rich and blocks his view of the room with
her body and the door.
CONSTANCE
Well, I better study. See you tomorrow, Rich.
Rich is confused.
RICH
Cool. Peace. I’ll see you at...
She slams the door in his face.
CONSTANCE
(looks around)
What the hell are y’all doing?
MOOSE
Smoking a joint.
Constance kicks the leg back under the bed and
then turns to Frank.
CONSTANCE
Frank!
FRANK
I wonder what Rich tastes like. Tofu?
Constance flies over to Frank snarling with her
teeth bared. She tackles him and he pushes her
back away from the couch. Moose jumps off the
couch, unsure what to do. Frank jumps up on his
feet ready to battle.

17. 15.
FRANK
(slowly)
Connie, I was just joking.
Constance considers him for a moment and then
attacks again. She tackles him to the floor. The
two wrestle with their main goal to avoid the
teeth of the other monster. Constance has Frank
upside down.
CONSTANCE
If you so much as touch him, Frank, I will end you.
FRANK
Okay, okay.
Constance lets off and paces to calm herself down
while Frank stands to his feet and brushes himself
off.
FRANK
Jeez. And this when we were just trying to do you a
favor...
CONSTANCE
I don’t need any of your favors, Frank.
(beat)
What do you mean, favor?
FRANK
We made an example for your little cult - the pizza man
on a platter.
CONSTANCE
The pizza man?
FRANK
Yes, the pizza delivery guy.
MOOSE
Yeah, Constance, he drives around a lot and wastes a
lot of gas.
CONSTANCE
Oh, my God.
FRANK
We saved some for you, well, a leg specifically.
CONSTANCE
You idiot!
She stares at them in fury.

18. 16.
CONSTANCE
The pizza guy isn’t the problem. It’s the system that
is based on finite resources that is the problem. The
pizza guy just saves everybody else from wasting gas to
go get their dinner.
MOOSE
(upset)
We were trying to help you, Connie!
CONSTANCE
No, you were just hungry.
FRANK
Just eat, Constance.
CONSTANCE
Where did you have the pizza delivered to - my room?
They’ll obviously trace him here. Did you call from
your phone?
FRANK
No, yours. (beat) We’ve been over this, Constance.
There’s no crime without any evidence.
CONSTANCE
No evidence, huh?
She pulls the hat off of Moose’s head
CONSTANCE
What are you gonna do - eat your way out of jail?
FRANK
They wouldn’t bother incarcerating us, they would just
kill us. Constance, your inability to accept reality is
monumental.
Constance sits defeated in a lump on the bed.
FRANK
We were trying to make ourselves useful.
Constance lays down on her side.
CONSTANCE
Why can’t I just be normal?
FRANK
Who wants to be normal? Just accept the way things are
and make the best of it, Cons. We thought you’d be
happy. We were trying to be environmentally friendly.
You have to eat something, Constance. I know you’re
hungry.

19. 17.
CONSTANCE
I didn’t mean the poor pizza guy. I was thinking more
along the lines of, oh, I don’t know, the person who
drives their Hummer through the desert taking joy
rides. Or the guy that tows his Hummer through town
with his other Hummer. Or, just a guy who drives a
Hummer.
She reaches under the bed and pulls out a hunk of
meat and takes a bite. She chews, depressed.
CONSTANCE
Tastes like pizza.
FRANK
Here. I know how daintily you eat.
He gets up and hands her a napkin and sits back
down.
CONSTANCE
Thanks.
FRANK
Mom and Dad will be happy to know that you finally ate
today. It’s been almost a week this time, Constance.
Constance sits sullenly, chewing slowly.
FRANK
I know what will cheer you up.
He gets another napkin and lights in on fire. It
bursts into a ball of flames and Moose screams.
MOOSE
Ah! Fire! Fire bad!
The flames sputter out and Frank lets the ashes
drop on the table. Constance laughs despite
herself.
CONSTANCE
Moose, haven’t you learned yet that he’s teasing you
when he does that? He’s not going to hurt you.
Moose is still recovering.
MOOSE
Fire bad.

20. 18.
CONSTANCE
Yes, fire is bad.
FRANK
So how was your militant vegan rally?
CONSTANCE
How did you know that Rich is vegan?
FRANK
A wild guess?
Constance eyes him suspiciously. She senses
sarcasm, but continues.
CONSTANCE
It was actually very empowering. The E-R-P- is really
committed to the cause.
FRANK
E-R-P-?
CONSTANCE
The Environmental Resource Protectors.
Frank outstretches his arm as if about to take
flight as a superhero.
FRANK
We’re "The Protectors"!
Moose mimics him.
MOOSE
The Protectors!
Frank begins to shrug his shoulders and flap his
elbows like a chicken while emitting a sound not
unlike Beaker from the Muppets. Moose catches on
quickly.
FRANK MOOSE
Erp, erp, erp... Erp, erp, erp...
Constance is hurt.
CONSTANCE
Can’t you ever be serious?
Frank stops and looks at Constance. Moose takes
another moment before he figures out that the game
has ended.

21. 19.
FRANK
I’m sorry, Constance. You were telling us about the
meeting...The E-R-P-
Moose stifles a laugh and Frank elbows him.
CONSTANCE
No, never mind.
FRANK
Aw, come on! You know we’re a couple of idiots.
CONSTANCE
That is true.
FRANK
So...the meeting was good...The E-R-P- are committed to
the environment, you say?
CONSTANCE
They are. And I arrive at the moment in history when
the group is about to become the leader in
environmental activism with the new strategic plan
called "Operation: Educate America."
FRANK
Rich is fairly steeped in military references...
CONSTANCE
Why do I try to talk to you?
FRANK
(serious)
One more bite, Constance. I’ve watched you sit here and
barely eat anything.
Constance reluctantly takes another bite. She
looks at Frank while she chews.
CONSTANCE
(sarcastically)
Oh, yeah! I forget for one blissful moment in time the
cold, hard facts of my life...that is, until you remind
me. You keep me alive to mock me. What would I do
without you, Frank? What’s the point? Why do I bother
trying to make a difference when I am complicit in
murder at every meal?
(beat)
Get out. Both of you, get out!
Frank and Moose quietly exit. Constance stares
after the door.
Fade.

22. 20.
Scene 3
A soft morning light pours into the window and
rises throughout the scene.
Constance is asleep. A knock on the door causes
her to roll over. The knock is more insistent. She
groans groggily. The knock continues.
RICH
(through the door)
Constance?
Constance sits up in bed.
CONSTANCE
Rich?
RICH
Constance, let me in. I need to talk to you.
She lies back in bed in a huff.
CONSTANCE
Go away, Rich.
RICH
Please, I need your help.
Constance finally rises to answer the door. She
stands holding the door, blocking his entrance.
CONSTANCE
What time is it, Rich?
RICH
I’m sorry, it’s early. I just needed your help. There
is no time to sleep when we are at war.
Constance drops her hold on the door and falls on
the couch. Rich follow her in and shuts the door.
He is in his usual fatigues and carries a plastic
binder.
CONSTANCE
About the movement...Listen, Rich, I don’t think I am
right for the cause.
RICH
What are you talking about? You’re perfect. Your
understanding of the immediacy of the issues really
impressed the group tonight.

23. 21.
He joins her on the couch.
RICH
Listen, I talked with the executive officers and we
would like to invite you to be a member...I mean, an
executive member, in that your position within the
group would be fundamental and you will go down in
history as one of the founding fathers...I mean,
founding members. We’re gonna change the world,
Constance, and we want you to be a part.
Constance straightens up.
CONSTANCE
Really? Me?
RICH
We’ve been trying to decide the best place for you. You
could definitely slip right into the role of secretary,
though everyone is inclined to agree that you might be
the face of the E-R-P-.
CONSTANCE
The face?
RICH
The face. I’m inclined to agree with the other members.
You have a very good face...
Rich leans in to kiss Constance who jumps up.
CONSTANCE
Um...Rich...I
Rich reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bag
of trail mix.
RICH
Cruelty-free granola? It’s one hundred percent vegan.
CONSTANCE
Cruelty-free? Uh, yeah.
Rich pours some into her outstretched hand. She
looks at it. She sniffs it.
RICH
I promise: it’s totally vegan.
CONSTANCE
Yeah, I...just wondered cuz a lot of the time they just
say that.

24. 22.
RICH
It’s so wrong. We should do something about that.
Target greedy liars who pass themselves off as vegan
when they are only vegetarian.
CONSTANCE
Yeah, totally.
He looks at her. She takes a small piece and puts
it in her mouth with difficulty.
RICH
It’s good, isn’t it.
CONSTANCE
Mm hmm.
Constance turns her back to Rich and dry heaves
the piece back out into her hand.
CONSTANCE
Yummy.
She walks behind Rich and drops the handful of
granola into the trash.
RICH
You don’t like it.
CONSTANCE
No, I just...You woke me up out of a dead sleep and
invite me to be a member of the group...I...
RICH
I understand. It’s a lot, but I feel strongly about you
and want you on my side against the vast army of
suburban zombies that we are facing...
Constance chokes.
RICH
It’s a war and there is a right side and a wrong
side...and you don’t want to be on the wrong side, do
you, Constance?
CONSTANCE
No.
RICH
I’m here to offer you the right side.

25. 23.
CONSTANCE
What exactly would my role be? I don’t know that much
about...I’m new to activism, I guess...
Constance joins Rich on the couch.
RICH
We’re extreme, Constance. This is no joke. This isn’t
your little student group assembling to talk about our
hurt feelings. We take action.
CONSTANCE
Yeah, my brother said...
RICH
Exactly how close are you to your brother?
CONSTANCE
We’re pretty close. We go to school together. We’ve
traveled abroad last year--him, me, and Moose. They
spend all of their spare time in my room.
RICH
You wouldn’t even be able to tell your brother. Nobody
understands the depth of our commitment. We have to be
careful who knows what. We have some dangerous
operations planned in the near future.
CONSTANCE
That’s not a problem. The less my brother and I need to
talk, the better...What do you mean dangerous?
RICH
Here...
Rich pulls out the plastic binder and has second
thoughts.
RICH
I can trust you, right?
CONSTANCE
Yes.
He opens the notebook, thumbing through to the
right page.
RICH
I think it’s time for full disclosure of Operation:
Educate America. If you take a look at this map of the
campus, you will see that our first mission begins
here.

26. 24.
He points at the map.
RICH
Alright, if this is the University, and here are the
dorms, then we will meet here at o-eight hundred
hours...
Constance looks over at his schematic.
CONSTANCE
Where are the dorms?
RICH
(points)
Here.
CONSTANCE
Well, then what is that building?
RICH
That’s the Physics building...
CONSTANCE
Physics would be over there...
RICH
No, your turned around. That’s the library.
CONSTANCE
The library? Are you kidding? The library is way over
here.
Rich looks at the map closely.
RICH
I don’t know how you can not see that that is the
library.
The focus of the conversation shifts from the map
to the physical space. Constance points towards
stage right.
CONSTANCE
The library is that way.
RICH
(referring to the map)
Yes, which is why it’s here on the map.
CONSTANCE
That seems totally backwards to me.

27. 25.
RICH
Here, look at it like this.
Rich spins the notebook around. Constance grabs it
and spins in another way
CONSTANCE
No, let me position it in space...
RICH
Wait...
Rich grabs the notebook out of her hand and
startles.
RICH
Oh! Sorry! The plastic edge caught your hand. It looks
pretty bad...
Rich points at her hand and then gags. Constance
looks down to see the deep paper cut that Rich has
inadvertently caused. She finally reacts.
CONSTANCE
Oh.
Constance covers her hand.
CONSTANCE
Ow!
RICH
That looked pretty deep. You should disinfect that.
Here, let me see it.
Rich pulls at Constance’s hand. She pulls her hand
away.
CONSTANCE
It’s fine. I better keep it covered. To stop the
bleeding.
RICH
(confused)
I didn’t see any blood.
CONSTANCE
I’m a slow bleeder. I mean, it’s weird but it takes a
minute for the blood to start and then it just spurts
like crazy. The doctor says that I’ve got...dense skin.
Rich looks at her.

28. 26.
CONSTANCE
I better keep it covered. So, anyway...
Constance jumps up.
CONSTANCE
Is that the time? I have to get ready for class.
Rich gets up and head to the door.
RICH
How about we meet tonight and then I’ll fill you in
then.
Constance meets Rich at the door, her hands
clasped behind her back. They kiss.
RICH
See ya.
CONSTANCE
See ya.
Constance closes the door and leans against it,
dreaming. She whirls into her room and clasps her
arms about her in happiness. She looks at the
wound on her hand and pulls out the sewing kit.
She threads a needle and then proceeds to pull it
through the wound on her hand.
Scene 4
Afternoon, same day.
At rise, a grassy and tree-covered quad on campus.
A small group in fatigues sits facing upstage.
Rich is the focus of attention as he faces the
group and delivers his speech.
RICH
We believe that we are powerless only because they tell
us that we are and we don’t question them? The power is
in us, people. Don’t let them tell you differently,
don’t let them brainwash you into thinking that there
is nothing that you can do.
Constance enters followed by a straggling Frank
and Moose. Rich acknowledges Constance with a
smile as the latecomers sit at the back of the
group.

29. 27.
RICH
That has been their plan all along: to lull you into
complacency with their...stuff. But who has to buy
their stuff? You do. You pay for your own complacency
with the dollar that you have toiled to make. Imagine!
They have turned you into suburban zombies...
Moose stands up alarmed and looks around. Frank
and Constance tug him back to the ground where he
sits.
RICH
...and not only did you fall for it--like a sucker at a
sideshow carnival--you bought and paid for your own
ignorance with your hard-earned cash. How does that
feel?
The crowd rumbles. Rich is effectively inciting
them.
FRANK
(to Constance)
He sounds like a preacher...
RICH
Give them the ignorance that they require and then pay
them their fee on top of it!
FRANK
(heckles)
Who’s they?
Constance shushes Frank along with several others.
Rich doesn’t miss a beat.
RICH
They are the store owners that set the prices on your
imagined needs, they are your friends that expect you
to follow them to the trendiest shops and clubs, they
are you families that expect you to fall in line
without question...
Rich looks directly at Frank.
RICH
...Your own brother. The one closest to you...
The crowd cheers at this.
FRANK
(to Constance)
What does money have to do with the environment.

30. 28.
CONSTANCE
It’s the system. Now shhht.
RICH
And while we are here, slaving away for the good life,
buying our five dollar lattes while barely squeaking by
with the mortgage each month, there is another world
that lives in the consequences of our choices. The
international garbage slums of the world sit literally
on the refuse of our materialist system: Beirut,
Calcutta, and Mexico City’s huge garbage dumps are
ecosystems in themselves. The tragedy of Manilla’s
Payatas, a hundred foot mountain of garbage collapsed
after a typhoon, killing hundreds of scavengers,
literal residents of the town dump. These scavengers
make more money living at the dump than they can make
in the countryside of the Philippines because the
greedy nature of the system has taken the power away
from the people and put it into the hands of the
already wealthy landowners. Are we here to fight the
system?
The group cheers and jumps up to gather around
Rich. The zombie trio hangs back.
FRANK
Constance? Can’t you see what he is doing? He’s
throwing a bunch of scary images out into the crowd for
the reaction he wants. I don’t see how he is any
different from the current system except that he is the
opposite: a flipped image.
CONSTANCE
I don’t know why you had to come. I certainly didn’t
invite you.
Moose begins to cry loudly.
CONSTANCE
Not you, Moose. I wanted you to come.
He composes himself.
CONSTANCE
It’s Frank who I could do without.
FRANK
I have caught an intriguing scent that I am following.
MOOSE
I smell it too.

31. 29.
FRANK
Maybe that’s why you are acting so crazy about this
Rich person--he has stimulated your hunger and you
confuse it with love.
CONSTANCE
That’s extremely cynical, but makes sense coming from
you who treats his various girlfriends with all of the
romance of a business transaction.
FRANK
That’s the difference between us: I find money very
sexy...
CONSTANCE
Gag.
Rich breaks off from the conversation with his
followers to walk over to Constance. Some of the
activists wander off the stage, others continue
their conversation upstage.
FRANK
Erp, erp, erp....
Constance hits him.
CONSTANCE
Shut up!
RICH
What did you think of the rally?
CONSTANCE
It was so powerful.
RICH
So, do I have any converts?
FRANK
Uh...
CONSTANCE
You have me converted.
RICH
Well, we need to officially induct you in then...
He offers her a hand and pulls her to her feet,
embracing her.

32. 30.
RICH
What say we head over to my place and hold the official
ceremony.
Constance is smitten.
CONSTANCE
Okay.
The lovebirds walk offstage. Frank and Moose watch
them go for a bit until they are out of hearing
range.
FRANK
I really hate that guy.
MOOSE
I want to eat him.
FRANK
Yeah. He’d taste like shit.
MOOSE
Why?
FRANK
His diet of nuts and berries.
Moose gags.
MOOSE
Ugh!
FRANK
But it sure would be fun to eat him for reasons I can’t
quite pinpoint.
MOOSE
Connie would kill us.
FRANK
Yeah, literally, I think.
Girlfriend Du Jour is a blonde this time as she
strolls through the quad, talking on her phone.
She stumbles into a bystander.
GIRLFRIEND
Watch out!
(on the phone)
Where are you?...I’m in the quad...I can’t see
you...Oh, my God. I’m so drunk!

33. 31.
Frank whistles a cat call. She laughs and cuts her
eyes to him flirtatiously as she walks by.
FRANK
Hey! Wait a second!
He jumps to his feet and jumps in front of her
path.
GIRLFRIEND
Oh, my God. I have to call you back.
FRANK
You look familiar...what’s your name?
GIRLFRIEND
Wouldn’t you like to know?
Frank addresses Moose while looking at Girlfriend.
Girlfriend sways on her feet.
FRANK
Hey, Moose. Would you mind clearing out and giving us
some space?
(beat)
Go do some homework.
Frank leads a compliant Girlfriend to a shady spot
underneath a tree where they take a seat.
MOOSE
(protesting)
I don’t do homework!
FRANK
Take a walk.
Moose reluctantly gets up and clears out. Frank
and Girlfriend smile at each other.
FRANK
You look good enough to eat!
GIRLFRIEND
You’re so cute! Where in the world did you come from?
FRANK
From my dorm room, of course.
GIRLFRIEND
No, I mean, where are you from originally?

34. 32.
FRANK
Does it matter?
GIRLFRIEND
What, you’d rather we sit here and not talk at all?
FRANK
Heavens, no! I want to learn all about you.
(beat)
Where are you from?
GIRLFRIEND
(giggling)
I asked you first.
FRANK
Well, I am the product of mixed blood: my mom was a
human and my dad, a zombie.
GIRLFRIEND
(disbelieving, but playing along)
Oh, really?
FRANK
Really. I love the taste of human flesh.
He mock nibbles on her neck. She pushes him away
playfully.
GIRLFRIEND
There’s no such thing as zombies...
FRANK
(mock surprise)
There’s not?!
GIRLFRIEND
And anyway, zombies and humans can’t procreate.
FRANK
Why not?
GIRLFRIEND
Cuz zombies are dead...Duh!
FRANK
Are those the rules?
GIRLFRIEND
Duh!

35. 33.
FRANK
What if they could and we procreated right now?
GIRLFRIEND
In the middle of the quad?
FRANK
There’s nobody around...
GIRLFRIEND
No, thanks. I don’t sleep with zombies.
FRANK
I could make you a zombie and then you could live
indefinitely...
GIRLFRIEND
Forever?
FRANK
(he thinks)
Indefinitely...
GIRLFRIEND
But not forever?
FRANK
Well, I don’t know. We haven’t lived that long. We’re a
relatively young zombie family.
GIRLFRIEND
Who? Your mother, your father, and you? All zombies.
FRANK
Yeah. All zombies.
GIRLFRIEND
So you don’t know if you live forever...what happens if
you don’t?
FRANK
I don’t know. I’ll find out when I get there.
GIRLFRIEND
Well, what is it? A virus?
FRANK
No.
GIRLFRIEND
A bio-industrial accident?

36. 34.
FRANK
God, no.
GIRLFRIEND
Well, what then?
FRANK
A genetic mutation....My dad’s a genetic engineer. A
mad scientist.
GIRLFRIEND
And a zombie...
FRANK
Yeah.
GIRLFRIEND
Practicing science.
FRANK
Yeah.
(beat)
Well, not anymore.
GIRLFRIEND
(points at him)
Because he’s a zombie!
FRANK
No, because he’s a pastor of a church now.
GIRLFRIEND
Well, how come they are all lifeless monsters in the
movies and yet you and your family can walk around like
you’re normal?
FRANK
(sarcastically)
You’re right: the movies are such a credible source of
information.
(beat)
I guess the best way to explain it would be to compare
it to...the HIV virus. People walk around with it all
the time, but it’s not until you’re full-blown AIDS
that you show physical symptoms...
GIRLFRIEND
You are truly ghoulish.
FRANK
I try.
Frank looks around the quad casually.

37. 35.
GIRLFRIEND
Do you have any alcohol?
FRANK
It’s getting late. My parents are coming into town any
minute. I need to get going.
GIRLFRIEND
What are you doing for Halloween tonight?
FRANK
Feasting on flesh.
GIRLFRIEND
Can you please be serious?
FRANK
What’s the fun of being serious?
GIRLFRIEND
Well, do you wanna meet me tonight or what?
FRANK
I’d rather eat you tonight.
Frank suddenly growls and ferociously attacks her
neck with his teeth and her laughter turns to
screams as she attempts to push his face away. He
jumps up on all fours and eats at her neck like a
rabid dog. She is quickly silenced and her body
falls lifeless.
Frank looks around from his crouched position over
her and then gets to his feet casually. Her neck
and collar are covered with blood. He drags her by
her feet offstage.
Light out.
INTERMISSION

38. 36.
ACT II
Scene 1
Halloween, early evening.
Constance enters her room with her books clasped
tightly to her chest, dreamily. She puts her books
down and turns on her favorite song and dances
with abandon.
After a few moments, with Constance lost
completely in the music, the door opens to reveal
Constance and Frank’s MOM and DAD, Frank standing
close behind them. The family watches in
amusement, Frank cracking up. Constance finally
notices them in the doorway and screams at the top
of her lungs. She stomps over to turn off her
music and turns to face her intruders.
DAD
I knocked but the music was too loud.
The parents walk in while Frank uses a significant
amount of effort to pick up the heavy garbage bag
set down outside of the dorm room. He hauls the
bag into the center of the room. Dad closes the
door.
MOM
Oh, don’t be upset, honey. You’re a very good dancer.
(beat)
Though you would probably be a little more graceful if
you gained a little weight--you’re too skinny! Have you
lost more weight?
(to Dad)
Oh, my God, she’s lost more weight...
DAD
Constance, this is getting ridiculous. This growing
aversion to our food source is ridiculous. You have
been eating it your whole life.
Frank let’s go of the bag and it crashes to the
floor with a loud thud.
FRANK
Where the hell is Moose?
MOM
Watch your language, please, Frank.
Mom looks around.

39. 37.
MOM
Where is Moose?
There is a loud moan from the closet.
MOM
Oh, goodness. Will he ever break that habit?
Mom crosses to the closet and opens it, letting
Moose out.
MOOSE
Aang! Ah-hello, Ma!
MOM
Hi, Moose.
Mom attempts to teach Moose how to let himself out
of the closet while the conversation continues
with the others. She taps him on the arm and turns
the doorknob from inside of the opened closet door
while he stares at her. Then she physically moves
his head to look at the doorknob which she then
turns in an exaggerated fashion. She gets in the
closet and shuts herself in and opens and shuts
the door several times. She emerges from the
closet and places Moose inside and closes the door
on him, waiting on the other side for him to
emerge. He doesn’t. He moans loudly, frustrated.
Mom lets him out of the closet and gives up.
DAD
You know, honey, you should really be more
conscientious about your neighbors. You were playing
your music very loudly. Didn’t you get the CD I sent
you?
CONSTANCE
I don’t listen to Christian rock, Dad.
Mom speaks while continuing Moose’s lesson with
the closet door.
MOM
It is not the typical Christian music you’ve heard
before. It’s hard core...
DAD
...and uplifting. It’s the new band at church.
Constance motions to the bag in the middle of the
floor.

40. 38.
CONSTANCE
Who is this?
Mom opens the door from the inside to add her
comment to the conversation. Moose looks from Mom
to Constance and back again.
MOM
You mean, what is this.
She closes herself back in.
DAD
The who is not important; it’s just meat. To eat.
CONSTANCE
It is important. It’s very important.
DAD
If you must know, it’s my opponent.
MOM
The congregation has decided that your father needed to
run for office.
DAD
I am obliging and I officially commence my campaign
with our family dinner.
CONSTANCE
This is your opponent?
Constance sinks onto the bed.
Dad opens the bag.
DAD
Alright, dig in.
Frank and Moose dive in to devour the contents of
the bag. Mom stops them.
MOM
Wait, wait, wait a second! We’re are your manners,
dear? We are going to eat like a family as best as we
can in this cramped space. Constance, we really need to
get you a collapsible table so that you have somewhere
civilized to eat...
FRANK
We eat at the coffee table...

41. 39.
MOOSE
When we don’t eat off the floor...
MOM
Dear, we need to get them a table so that we can at
least eat when we come to visit...I’ll set a makeshift
table in the meantime.
She turns her attention to setting the small
coffee table with dinnerware that she has brought
in a bright and cheery large plastic carryall.
CONSTANCE
I’m not hungry. Suddenly, I’m feeling sick.
DAD
You are going to be more than sick if you don’t eat,
young lady.
MOM
You have to eat, Constance.
CONSTANCE
No, I don’t have to do anything.
DAD
If you don’t eat something, you are going to...die.
FRANK
I don’t think die is the right word...more like
decompose for infinity or something. You sit there and
watch yourself rot. We’ll come to visit you wherever
you happen to be--lying in the dirt--and we’ll say...
(falsetto)
"Constance, why didn’t you eat? Can you hear us? Please
say something, Constance!"
Frank lays like a rotting corpse on the couch.
FRANK
But you’ll just sit there, unable to speak, staring it
us with the one eye that you have left cuz the bugs ate
the other one out...
MOM
Let’s not get macabre...
CONSTANCE
(to Dad)
And then what? There’s one less operating zombie in the
world? That actually makes more sense, if I am thinking
about the world’s best interest and not my own.

42. 40.
FRANK
Constance has joined an environmental cult.
MOOSE
They’re commies.
FRANK
Erp.
MOOSE
Erp!
FRANK MOOSE
Erp, erp, erp... Erp, erp, erp...
Dad shoots the boys a look and they stop.
DAD
Why can’t you grasp the idea, Constance? What is good
for you is good for the rest of the group. That is the
beauty of Capitalism as it was set up by our founding
fathers.
CONSTANCE
You mean, the beauty of Walmart? The founding fathers
looked out over the roaming plains of America and
envisioned Walmart surrounded by parking lots for as
far as the eye can see?
FRANK & MOOSE
(sings)
OH, BEAUTIFUL FOR SPACIOUS
SKIES FOR AMBER WAVES OF
GRAIN...
DAD & CONSTANCE
Shut up, Frank!
MOM
Alright, that’s enough. It’s obvious that this
conversation is going nowhere. I’ve got hors d’oeuvres
to start. Finger food, anyone?
Mom holds up a plate and Frank and Moose jump up
to partake. Frank and Moose sit back down and
watch the conversation like a tennis match with
their front row seats on the edge of the sofa
while they munch.
DAD
Don’t be smart with me, Constance.

43. 41.
CONSTANCE
No, I’m not allowed to be, am I?
DAD
You know what I mean. Don’t take that tone with me.
CONSTANCE
What tone?
DAD
(voice rising)
That cynical and sarcastic tone. And you’re changing
the subject. We were talking about you and your
unhealthy eating habits.
(bellows)
Now eat, Constance!
Constance stares at the floor sullenly.
MOM
Alright, that’s enough. She’s not hungry.
DAD
Are you planning on throwing away this life we have
given you?
Constance is unresponsive and Dad takes a seat in
front of the TV.
DAD
(quietly)
I can’t make you eat, but you should know that your
life means something to me, to your family. I know that
we don’t agree all the time...
Frank and Moose look at each other.
DAD
...but I would hope that you know that I love you...
MOM
...we love you...
DAD
...and we only want what is best for you. And what is
best for you, what is best for all of us is a free
market system...
CONSTANCE
Oh, God!

44. 42.
DAD
Whether you believe it now or later, one day when
you’re older and wiser, when you have children and you
want the best for them...
CONSTANCE
I don’t want children.
MOM
Constance!
CONSTANCE
I’m not putting children through this.
Dad’s anger pushes him to his feet.
DAD
How dare you be so selfish!
CONSTANCE
Me? You’re the selfish one. You’re the one who did this
to me.
DAD
And you will live forever.
CONSTANCE
You think! We don’t know what’s going to happen in this
psychotic experiment of yours. And I don’t want to live
forever. I don’t know that I want to live at all.
DAD
You are breaking our hearts, Constance.
MOM
Enough drama. Everyone please have a seat at the table.
Dinner is ready.
(beat)
Uh, Frank, Moose, can you bring the entrée over near
the table and I’ll let people serve themselves. We’ll
do it buffet style tonight.
The family gathers around the makeshift table
except for Constance who sits with her arms
crossed. Frank and Moose drag, then pick up the
garbage bag.
Fade

45. 43.
Scene 2
At rise, dinnertime.
The family is seated at the coffee table enjoying
the meal, except for Constance. Dad sits on the
couch next to Mom who sits on the arm of the couch
closest to him. Moose is seated on the floor at
the edge of the coffee table and Frank sits next
to his father. Constance is sprawled across her
bed. She shifts her position throughout the scene,
changing sides in her frustration.
Frank searches the table.
FRANK
Are there any more brains?
Moose looks sheepish and holds up an empty bowl.
MOOSE
I ate them all.
DAD
That’s the best part of the animal...but we eat the
whole thing, right boys?
FRANK MOOSE
Right! Right!
The family falls into silence for a moment as they
enjoy the meal.
DAD
Uh, Frank.
FRANK
Yes, Dad?
DAD
What’s this I hear about the recent murder of Robert
Ward? That was very sloppy work, son...
FRANK
(defensively)
That wasn’t me...
DAD
(not listening)
...Because I thought I had taught you better than
that...

46. 44.
FRANK
We did not do that.
DAD
(suspicious)
Frank?
FRANK
We didn’t! I promise.
DAD
Robert Ward happens to be...happened to be...a
contributing member of the political party that is
backing my campaign...now, I won’t be upset, but I want
you to tell me the truth...
FRANK
I am telling the truth. We didn’t do it.
DAD
Moose?
MOOSE
We didn’t.
DAD
We’ve discussed hunting strategies before; I would like
to reiterate again that the less we draw attention to
ourselves, the better. I’m not saying that we need to
crawl under a rock...
(he looks over at Constance)
...Or that we have to be afraid of being who we are...
CONSTANCE
(without looking up)
That’s not it.
DAD
I’m just saying that these targets that necessitate a
large amount of investigation really aren’t worth the
trouble.
CONSTANCE
What about dinner?
DAD
Dinner?...
CONSTANCE
Your opponent? That seems like it would draw a fair
amount of investigative and media attention...

47. 45.
DAD
This was a special circumstance where I weighed the
facts carefully and your mother and I went into stealth
mode and did the deed quickly and silently.
FRANK
You went too Mom?
MOM
Oh, yes.
DAD
Your mother is an avid hunter when I can get her out of
the house...
Constance shifts uncomfortably in her bed. Her
mother looks over.
MOOSE
Frank killed somebody today too.
Frank shifts in his seat in an attempt to catch
Moose’s attention and silence him.
MOM
Oh?
MOOSE
He dragged a girl back from the quad.
(he laughs)
He had already starting eating her and somebody asked
what was wrong with her and he said she was drunk.
DAD
Frank!
MOM
What?
Frank holds his hands up in the air.
FRANK
Really, nobody took any notice it.
MOM
You attacked her in broad daylight?
DAD
Out in the open?
MOM
And dragged her back to your apartment?

48. 46.
DAD
Bloody?
MOOSE
She was pretty bloody...
FRANK
I...it’s...it’s Halloween. On a college campus. The
most anybody said was...
(impersonates a surfer)
"Whoa, wicked costume, dude!"
MOM
That is unbelievable, Frank.
DAD
You are really asking for it, aren’t you?
FRANK
What? Nothing happened!
MOM
Well, what if it had?
MOM
You know, Frank, I’ve had just about enough of your
behavior with women.
Frank bows his head to receive the coming verbal
punishment.
DAD
Your mother is right. This has got to stop.
MOM
You have to develop a normal life so that you won’t
bring suspicion on the family. You know, it is not only
about you.
DAD
How many times have I told you to hunt the small and
insignificant? Nobody’s looking too closely after
them...
Constance sits bolt upright in bed.
CONSTANCE
That’s so unfair!
DAD
Don’t you start.

49. 47.
CONSTANCE
As if an underprivileged life wasn’t hard and
meaningless enough without you sending your band of
zombies screaming down on top of them.
DAD
This band of zombies, as you so derogatorily call them,
is your family!
CONSTANCE
How dare you tell us what to eat?
DAD
How dare I?...
Dad starts choking on the food in his mouth. Those
at the table turns to him in concern. Mom slaps
him on the back and he rights himself.
MOM
Alright, that is enough. I will have no more yelling at
the table.
The family eats in silence. After a moment, Dad
speaks up.
DAD
(calmly)
Constance, you do not need to be afraid of your own
power...
CONSTANCE
This is not about power, this is about the intelligence
to wield power for the greater good...
FRANK
Here we go with the greater good again...
CONSTANCE
Says the freak who just dragged some poor unsuspecting
girl’s body across campus...
DAD
Stop feeling sorry for your food!
CONSTANCE
I’m going to go to Africa...
MOM
Now, that’s an idea--a trip abroad would be nice...

50. 48.
CONSTANCE
...And I’m going to free and eat HIV-infected rhesus
monkeys...
The entire family gasps in horror. Constance is
momentarily silenced. It takes a moment for
everyone to recover.
DAD
We do not come from monkeys!
MOM
Honey, you know how sick you got when you tried to eat
that alley cat...
FRANK
Not to mention the virus you might catch from an HIV
monkey...
CONSTANCE
They are trapped in the same living hell as I am--the
product of psychotic experimentation...and they share
99% of human DNA...
FRANK
I would like to stress again that you shouldn’t eat
monkeys with HIV. Oh, my God! What if I eat a person
with HIV? I need to start testing my victims...
Mom gets up and goes over to Constance to comfort
her and calm her down.
MOM
Let’s just all calm down, please.
DAD
No, I need to say this. We have watched Constance go
from eating little to even less. Even as a child, once
she understood that we ate differently from other
people, she never ate enough. I think it is time for
you to take your first kill before it is too late...
MOM
Too late for what? Frank looks after Connie...
DAD
Before she stops eating altogether.
(he stands)
Constance, you need to choose life!
Constance quickly stands in retaliation.

51. 49.
CONSTANCE
You mean, death!
Father and daughter are locked in opposition to
each other.
MOM
(quietly)
Now, now. Let’s not make everything so...life and
death. If and when Constance kills, it will be in her
own time. In the meantime, Frank will look after our
Connie, right Frank?
FRANK
Right, Mom.
Fade.
Scene 3
Halloween night.
Frank and Moose pass a joint in front of the TV.
Frank chokes on smoke and laughter. Frank’s
GIRLFRIEND DU JOUR, a brunette who wears cat ears,
sits on his lap, drinking out of a flask. The news
bulletin interrupts their laughter.
TV
Authorities are still scrambling for suspects in the
gruesome murder of oil magnate Robert Ward. The CEO of
American Petroleum was just cleared of all charges in a
federal investigation when his burnt body was found in
his suburban mansion last week. The usually quiet
neighborhood was rocked by the news. We’ll have more
details after this break...
A commercial for fast food plays in the
background.
FRANK
(suspicious)
Moose?...
MOOSE
What?
FRANK
I thought we decided that we always worked as a team.
MOOSE
Yeah, we’re a team, Frank.

52. 50.
Frank stares at him.
MOOSE
What?
FRANK
Did you?...
Frank motions with his head to the TV and Moose
studies the television screen.
MOOSE
Why would I...eat fast food?
GIRLFRIEND
I love french fries.
FRANK
Uh, Moose. Remember the language that we made up when
we were kids?
MOOSE
Yeah?
Moose looks at Frank’s girlfriend.
MOOSE
Oh, yeah! I mean, why would someone burn the
marshmallow when they could just eat them?
GIRLFRIEND
I love burnt marshmallows.
MOOSE
Ugh. That’s disgusting. I like my marshmallows raw.
FRANK
Well, what if you were trying to eat your marshmallow
raw when you accidentally dropped it in the fire?
MOOSE
I would cry.
GIRLFRIEND
You’re a sensitive one, Moose.
FRANK
Is that what happened though? You accidentally dropped
it in the fire?
Moose looks at the TV and back at Frank.

53. 51.
MOOSE
(indignant)
No, Frank. We’re a team.
FRANK
Sorry, man. Just checking.
MOOSE
I’m hungry.
FRANK
Raw marshmallows sound good right about now.
Frank and Moose turn a hungry eye on Girlfriend Du
Jour who is watching TV. Finally, she feels their
stare and returns it.
GIRLFRIEND
What?
They turn back to the news.
TV
The federal investigation surrounding the murder victim
concerns the financial transactions that may point to
Congressional bribes meant to stop the environmental
bill that is up for a vote next week. The bill would
transition renewable energy resources into a more
prominent...
Frank turns off the TV.
FRANK
That’s what we should have served Constance on a
platter--raw marshmallows before someone else got to
him first with the torch. Maybe then she would’ve been
happy.
MOOSE
Yeah.
GIRLFRIEND
I’ve never really thought of marshmallows in terms of
male of female. I would consider them it-s.
The door opens and Rich leans casually against the
door frame.
RICH
Is Constance around?

54. 52.
FRANK
Do you need me to teach you how to knock?
RICH
Do you know how to teach me?
Moose stands up.
RICH
Alright, alright. My bad.
FRANK
It’s alright, Moose.
Moose sits down and Frank offers Rich the joint.
Rich gladly accepts.
FRANK
(without looking behind him)
You wanna shut the door?
Rich goes to shut the door when FRANKENSTEIN
appears in the doorway, arms outstretched.
FRANKENSTEIN
Ungh!
RICH
What the...
Frank looks behind him.
FRANK
The party’s next door.
Frankenstein exits and Rich closes the door.
FRANK
So, you smoke in your cult?
RICH
It’s not a cult.
FRANK
Isn’t that what everyone in a cult says?
RICH
It’s not a cult. We are like a race of oppressed
people--like the Native Americans--and we are subject
to different laws...

55. 53.
FRANK
What laws?
RICH
And if we want to smoke...
Rich looks at the joint in his hand and
contemplates the taste.
FRANK
’Fruity Pebbles’.
RICH
...if we want to smoke ’Fruity Pebbles’ like the Native
Americans...
FRANK
I think they smoke peyote.
RICH
That too.
(beat)
Have you ever thought about how easy it would be to
grow your own stash? It’s a plant that grows naturally
in Mother Earth. How can they make something illegal
that is natural? Then they push their alcohol and their
prescription drugs...
GIRLFRIEND
Those are fun too...
RICH
All I need is the green, but corporate America tells me
that I can’t have what I want.
FRANK
Actually, it’s Congress that tells you...
RICH
Who is run by rotting corporate America, their dirty
hands in the pockets of almost every Congress member.
FRANK
That’s kind of a jump. I was with you for the most part
until we arrived in conspiracy theory land.
RICH
You can grow it in the ground, for God’s sake! Suzy
Homemaker herself could grow it in the ground and smoke
for appetite stimulation...

56. 54.
FRANK
I don’t know that Suzy Homemaker needs any more help
stimulating her appetite.
Girlfriend slaps Frank on the arm.
RICH
You can use the leaves medicinally to take away the
sting of the bee...
Girlfriend Du Jour reaches for the "finger food"
on the coffee table left behind from dinner.
GIRLFRIEND
That’s actually tobacco.
Frank tries to stop her.
FRANK
Don’t eat that...it’s...
Girlfriend Du Jour pops it in her mouth and speaks
while chewing.
GIRLFRIEND
It’s what?
Rich is amused.
FRANK
It’s...mine. That’s okay--have as much as you want.
(beat)
Is it good?
GIRLFRIEND
Tastes like chicken, obviously.
RICH
The point is that Uncle Sam can’t make money off of
Mary Jane grown naturally which is exactly why he
objects so strenuously, why more than half of our newly
privatized prisons are filled with the detritus of drug
convictions--How can anybody make money off of pot?
GIRLFRIEND
Drugs can be dangerous. People get addicted.
RICH
People are addicted to food, a life sustaining
resource. People are addicted to wasting the Earth’s
precious resources. To money.

57. 55.
FRANK
Not to sidetrack from this argument that has careened
from one end of the spectrum to the other, but what’s
so wrong with making money?
RICH
What’s so wrong with making money?!
GIRLFRIEND
God, Frank, you sound like my eighty year old granddad.
RICH
I can’t believe that you and Constance are related. She
told me that she was the outcast of the family...
Enter Constance.
CONSTANCE
Rich!
RICH
You are just the girl that I was looking for.
CONSTANCE
You--
(she points at Frank)
Out.
Frank and Moose rise. Frank’s Girlfriend Du Jour
falls out of Frank’s lap, landing on her feet.
GIRLFRIEND
She just points and we leave?
FRANK
We have a Halloween party to attend anyway.
RICH
What are you going as?
Frank looks back as the threesome leave.
FRANK
Zombies.
They exit.
Constance and Rich look at each other for a moment
until the magnetic force between them quickly
sucks them together and they kiss.

58. 56.
The couple, still locked in an embrace, make their
way across the stage where they collapse on the
bed. Rich begins to take off Constance’s shirt and
she stops him.
CONSTANCE
Wait. We need to talk.
Rich hovers, dazed.
CONSTANCE
Never mind.
She latches onto Rich again, but he pulls away
this time.
RICH
No, you’re right. We need to talk.
CONSTANCE RICH
There’s something I Listen, you should
need... know...
RICH
Sorry, you first.
CONSTANCE
No, you...
RICH
You go ahead.
CONSTANCE
Well, maybe you should...
CONSTANCE RICH
I’m a I’m an
zombie... you’re eco-warrior...you’re a
what? what?
They both look at each other, unsure as to who
should speak first.
CONSTANCE
Did you say you’re an eco-warrior?
RICH
I’m genuinely opening myself up to you and you are
joking around.

59. 57.
CONSTANCE
I am a zombie. What does that mean--you are an
eco-warrior?
RICH
E-R-P-...We are eco-warriors. We are responsible for
the eradication of oil man and code-red threat to the
environment, Robert Ward.
CONSTANCE
E-R-P-...as in the environmental group that I just
joined?
RICH
Yeah. I told you that we meant business, Constance.
It’s a war and there are distinct sides...
CONSTANCE
What does that mean-eradication. What are we talking
about exactly?
RICH
I burnt him alive when he came to give a talk to the
business school and then I dropped his burnt body in
his mansion.
CONSTANCE
So, you mean the word as in its traditional definition.
RICH
Yeah.
CONSTANCE
As in, murder.
RICH
It’s not murder when we are at war.
CONSTANCE
Then what is it?
RICH
(shrugs)
Justice.
Rich stares at her. Constance turns her back to
him.
CONSTANCE
Great. Just great.

60. 58.
Frank and Moose enter accompanied by Girlfriend Du
Jour. Behind them are random party guests from
next door, one of which is dressed as a DEAD
PRESIDENT. The GHOSTFACE KILLER (from "Scream") is
talking on a cell phone and misses the door. Frank
grabs Ghostface and directs her inside the room.
Rich is still focused only on Constance.
RICH
(sarcastically)
And you are a zombie.
FRANK
(pointing at the costumed guests)
And a killer, a ruler of the free world, and a hot lay.
The interlopers gather around the coffee table
where Dead President pours a bag of cocaine and
cuts it up with a credit card.
CONSTANCE
I guess we’re all killers.
(beat)
I can’t believe you waited until after we slept
together to tell me this.
Frank’s attention is diverted from the group to
the simultaneous conversation.
RICH
I am trying to let you into my world...
FRANK
What’s going on with you folks? You look like you’re
having too serious a discussion for a Halloween party.
CONSTANCE
Rich was just telling me that he is an environmental
terrorist...
Rich and Moose laugh.
RICH
Constance!
CONSTANCE
And I was just telling Rich that we are zombies.
Frank crosses to Constance followed closely by
Moose.

61. 59.
FRANK
Constance, what are you doing?
CONSTANCE
I am trying to tell Rich that I am a zombie but he
doesn’t believe me. Go figure. Who would?
The party goers look on with interest while they
take turns snorting cocaine.
CONSTANCE
Look, Rich...
Constance shows Rich the crude stitches in her
hand. He grimaces.
The paper cut you gave me today. I am going to have
that as a reminder of you for the rest of my...well,
forever. It will always be there because it can never
heal.
Constance crosses to the bed and kneels.
CONSTANCE
I can show you our version of murder...
Frank runs to intercept her and blocks beneath the
bed.
CONSTANCE
Different from yours, but not by much.
FRANK
Hey, Constance. Ha ha.
CONSTANCE
What have we got to hide from Rich? He’s a
murderer--like us.
(loudly)
We are just the same.
RICH
Listen, Constance, I know you’re angry...
CONSTANCE
(yelling)
I’ve never been so calm!
The party goers go to leave but Moose blocks the
door.
RICH
(placating)
So, you’re zombies? I believe you.

62. 60.
The party goers begin to twitter and panic. Moose
knocks their heads together and they fall
unconscious to the floor.
MOOSE
Can we eat yet, Frank?
FRANK
Hold on, Moose...
Rich surveys the unconscious party goers and looks
between the three zombies, now bathed in a sickly
green light. He points at Constance, dazed.
RICH
Funny, I never noticed...
CONSTANCE
Never noticed what, Rich? The stench of death that
constantly surrounds me? I can’t get away from it. It
fills my nose. I’m surprised I never smelled it on
you...
Constance turns away from Rich and walks
downstage.
CONSTANCE
I’m such an idiot! Here I am thinking that I could have
a normal life--with you, the murderer.
RICH
Constance, I’m not a murderer. It’s war...
CONSTANCE
You are a terrorist murdering madman, like me.
(Rich kneels)
It’s all the same, to take a life. It doesn’t matter
what the justification is, whose side you are on, how
you have to survive. We are all killers.
(she gestures to those in the room)
Just like my father and my mother and my brother and
Moose. Sick and twisted fucking life. I wanted better
than this, and I deserved better than this. I thought I
was going to disappear into your little fucking cult...
RICH
It’s not a cult...
CONSTANCE
Shut up! And we were going to change the world. And I
was never going to see my family again.
Moose bows his head.

63. 61.
CONSTANCE
But how can you change the world when you are just like
it? When the world is just like you? When you look into
the horror and terror and darkness that is life and all
you see is yourself?
Moose starts crying pitifully.
CONSTANCE
And you. You!
(she points at Frank vehemently)
You who have kept me alive when all I want is to die.
Can’t you see how unhappy I am? If you would just leave
me be...
FRANK
I love you, Connie. I can’t imagine the world without
you and I’m not going to let you decompose for
infinity.
(softly)
You can’t die, Constance. You’re already dead.
RICH
Make me one.
They all look at Rich, still on his knees.
RICH
Make me a zombie. You can do that, right? You just take
a bite. Think about it, Constance. We could have it
all, just like you want. We can change the world
together.
CONSTANCE
Change the world into what? Zombies? I know the best
way to change the world at this moment--I’ll rid the
world of you!
Constance screams and begins to devour Rich. After
a moment, Moose speaks.
MOOSE
Hey, Constance got us dinner this time.
FRANK
It’s a first.
Lights out.

64. 62.
Scene 4
The next day in the afternoon.
The sun shines brightly into the dorm room
illuminating a sleeping Constance splayed across
the bed. Her mouth, collar, and hands are covered
in blood and there is a pool of blood in the
center of the room where Rich used to be.
A commotion is heard outside just before the
family bustles in the door together. Father,
Mother, Frank, and Moose are dressed in their
Sunday best.
DAD
There’s my girl.
MOM
What a blessed mess.
DAD
This is the picture of a meal well-savored.
FRANK
She ate every last bit of him.
MOM
I’m not surprised. She’s been practically starving
herself lately, not that she ever had much of an
appetite...a little blood here, a finger there...
FRANK
It’s been getting more severe. She must have been
famished.
DAD
There hasn’t been anyone particularly appealing to her
to eat until now.
MOM
She is a finicky eater.
DAD
But now she’s finding her appetite. She’s finding
herself.
(wipes eyes)
My little girl is growing up.
Constance rouses from her deep sleep. She sits up,
blinking.

65. 63.
MOM
Good morning, Sunshine.
DAD
That’s my girl.
They both kiss her on the head.
CONSTANCE
Mom? Dad? What are y’all doing here?
MOM
Your brother called us with the good news and we were
on our way back from the convention. We thought we’d
stop by and celebrate. Are we allowed to see our
children twice in one weekend? Or is that not coool?
DAD
I have a special treat planned for lunch.
MOOSE
I’m hungry.
MOM
You’re always hungry, Moose.
(she pats him on the back)
I’m hungry too.
FRANK
But we had a fresh lunch prepared for you this time.
Frank opens the closet door to reveal The
Ghostface Killer and the Dead President standing
stuffed inside, chained to the clothing rod. They
scream. Frank shuts the door.
MOM
Oh, honey, that is so sweet.
(to Dad)
Isn’t that sweet, Dear? Constance might not be the only
one growing up.
DAD
Well then we have to celebrate multiple victories
today: the day that Frank thought of his parents for
once and Constance’s first kill. No, you kids save
those for leftovers this week. I have something special
in mind. A veritable feast. How about we let Constance
get ready.
MOM
I’ll help. You boys go wander around for a moment.

66. 64.
The men exit.
Constance looks at her hands and collar and gets
up to fetch a towel to clean herself up. Mom looks
down on the pool of blood on the floor.
MOM
This would be a nice treat on the trip back for your
father and I.
(beat)
Unless you would rather save it for later.
Constance groans.
MOM
I’ll put it in your mini-fridge.
CONSTANCE
No...
MOM
Alright. Thank you.
Mom pulls a large Ziploc bag from her tote that
contains an equally large sponge. She soaks up the
blood.
MOM
It’s a sentimental moment for your father and I--your
first kill. It’s really taken so long that we wondered
if it ever would happen.
She puts the sponge in the Ziploc bag and puts in
back in her purse.
MOM
We really need to get you a rug. You can roll it out of
the way when you’re ready to eat and then roll it back
when you’re done and voila--no mess.
CONSTANCE
Mom, what was it like when you weren’t a zombie?
MOM
What?
CONSTANCE
What did it feel like to be human?
MOM
Honey, you are human.

67. 65.
CONSTANCE
I’ve never been only human...what did it feel like to
be alive? To live without the...need for human flesh?
What did it feel like?
MOM
Well, honey, it felt exactly the same, I guess. We did
everything exactly the same as we do now. Only our food
source has changed. And yet somehow, I don’t remember
food tasting as good...
(she touches Constance’s hair)
I know that it has been difficult for you--being
different--but I think that maybe if you changed your
perspective, you could see the glass as half full
instead of half empty.
Mom leads Constance to the couch to sit, taking
the towel and cleaning the spots that Constance
has missed.
MOM
You think that being human entails some kind of purpose
that gives your life meaning by virtue of mere
humanity. But it doesn’t. Most people walk around the
bulk of their short lives in a stupor. You want life to
be fair, but it’s not. People are not equal, a fact
that you have spent your life lamenting. Don’t waste
your time on that fact anymore. What if you were
better? What if this world was yours for the taking?
Accept your place in life and your purpose will become
clear to you that you are the king of earth...
CONSTANCE
Queen.
MOM
What?
CONSTANCE
I would be the queen of the earth.
MOM
Honey, stop getting stuck in semantics. There is no one
more powerful than you.
CONSTANCE
I don’t want to be on top. I want to belong to
something bigger and greater than me.
MOM
What’s bigger and greater than everything? Create any
meaning you want.

68. 66.
CONSTANCE
I can’t just choose meaning and put it on like a new
outfit.
MOM
Why not?
(beat)
This little group you just joined, this environmental
party...
CONSTANCE
Environmental group...Well, technically environmental
terrorist group.
MOM
Why can’t you do that? There’s your meaning.
CONSTANCE
(whines)
I just killed the leader!
MOM
So you be the leader. You need to start living up to
your potential, Constance.
CONSTANCE
Me, the leader?
MOM
That’s the spirit.
CONSTANCE
But Dad will kill me...
Mom stands up and walks over to what’s left of the
blood stain on the floor.
MOM
Your father just likes to hear himself talk. We’ll buy
a good cleaner while we’re out today. One that can get
out anything. So, we need to get a table, a rug, a good
cleaner....
There is a knock at the door.
MOM
Come in!
The men enter.
DAD
You’re not ready yet.

69. 67.
CONSTANCE
Yes, I am.
Constance puts a sweater on over her clothes.
CONSTANCE
Good as new.
DAD
I remember your first kill, Frank.
MOM
It was so long ago.
DAD
Frank never had any problem with that.
FRANK
Just think, Moose. If I had spent the night at Timmy’s
instead of your house, you wouldn’t be here today.
CONSTANCE
Well, technically, he would be here today--maybe not in
this room--and his family would still be alive...
MOM
Half full, Constance.
MOOSE
You’re my family.
DAD
That’s the attitude, Moose.
FRANK
I applaud your choice in killing Rich--he was a real
douche.
MOOSE
Yeah, erp, erp, erp...
Frank and Moose do the chicken dance.
FRANK MOOSE
Erp, erp, erp... Erp, erp, erp...
MOM
Why do they keep doing that, Constance?
They stop.

70. 68.
FRANK
Because Rich was the leader of an environmental
activist group...
CONSTANCE
...An environmental terrorist group...
DAD
They sound like socialists...
MOM
Now, Constance, I hope you’re not following in your
brother’s footsteps and eating perfectly suitable
romantic partners, are you? Your father and I want
grandchildren someday. That goes for you too, Frank.
MOOSE
What about me?
Mom ruffles Moose’s hair.
MOM
You too, Moose.
DAD
I don’t think this Rich character sounds anything close
to suitable for marriage material. I don’t want a
socialist in the family!
FRANK
He was a douche.
CONSTANCE
I don’t know what happened. We were dating and then
this anger took over me and the next thing I knew, I
was attacking him. I thought I loved him, and then I
killed him...
MOM
That’s perfectly natural, darling. Your brother was
just the same during his first kill.
DAD
Anger is an energy that you can harness, Constance.
It’s a tough lesson to learn.
(beat)
Alright, what’s everybody in the mood for: Chinese,
Mexican...American?
FRANK
I feel like something more refined.

71. 69.
MOM
A wine and cheese crowd, perhaps? An art gallery?
Constance faces the audience.
CONSTANCE
The theatre.
Lights out.
Lights up.
Mom and Dad are poised menacingly over audience
members in the front rows, teeth bared. Constance
and Frank run with wide steps towards the back of
the house with snarling mouths. Moose moves slowly
with a stiff gait, his arms outstretched.
MOOSE
(loudly, menacingly)
AAaaanngh!
Lights out.
The End