By Dr. Michael Cheng

2. Disclaimer
• This is a general discussion about mental health
• It is not to be interpreted as specific advice in a specific
situation
• Every situation is unique and requires advice to be tailored
and adapted to that situation
• If you are looking for advice about a specific situation or
child/youth with mental health issues, speak with a health
professional!

3. Learning Objectives
• By the end of this presentation, participants will
be aware that:
– Strong attachments/connections are necessary (but not
necessarily sufficient) for mental health and resiliency
– Modern society weakens attachments between
children/youth and adults, which contributes to mental
health and behavioural problems
– What we can do as parents, professionals and society to
(re)build our attachments with our children/youth

4. Britney’s Story
•
•
•
Background
– 17-yo female who is having thoughts of
suicide
– Living with her mother; parents separated;
no contact with father
– Gr. 12 student
Current resources
– Seeing a therapist once weekly for 2-months
with no improvement
Symptoms
– Depressed for past few months
– Triggering stress
• Boyfriend (of past year) broke up with
her

5. Today‟s youth are struggling…
• Mental health issues (e.g. depression,
anxiety, suicide rates up 3-4X since
1960’s)
• Behaviour problems (e.g. bullying, drug
use) -- youth crime up 300% since the
60’s
• Narcissism and lack of empathy
(Twenge, 2011)

6. Depression
Anxiety
Suicide
Behaviour problems
Why are today‟s youth
so vulnerable?

7. Q. Why do young children tend to be
happier than older children?

8. A. Young children are happy because if all
goes well, all their needs are met… Its
easier with young children!
Possible needs…
• Hug?
• Reassurance?
• Food?
• Nap?
• Diaper change?

9. When you consistently meet a child‟s needs
 Emotional security
View of world: “World
is a safe place… I
can trust others…”
View of self: “I feel
better, thus I am
competent…”
Ainsworth; Bowlby

10. Attachment is the single most important „resiliency‟ factor
for mental health
• Resiliency
– Ability to overcome adversity is known as “resiliency”
– Not everyone exposed to stresses develops
problems; many in fact, will thrive…
– Secure attachments to caregivers and nurturing
adults are the most important source of resilience
(Bowlby, 1940; Ainsworth, 1979; Schore, 2001;
Neufeld, 2004)

11. Q. What happens to parent-child
attachments as children get older?
A. They often weaken….
Young child
Teenager

12. If our children/youth are turning away
from parents, to whom are they turning
instead?

13. Peers, technology, and material things
Peers
Child
Parent
Technology
and Things
Neufeld, 2005

14. Q. Why is it a problem for children/youth to turn to peers,
technology and material things as their primary
attachments?

15. A. Peers / things cannot meet your core
emotional needs…
• Peers /things are conditional
• Friendships come and go / peers are still maturing and
changing / Your BFF one day can be your worst enemy the
next…
• Only parents are unconditional
• Only parents can reliably provide emotional support,
acceptance and validation

16. Normal vs abnormal peer orientation…
• Some peer orientation is normal.
• Friends and social skills are good
• But when a teen’s mental health is
dependent on their peers, and
when a child’s moods and suicidal
ideation hinges upon relationships
with peers, then this is a
problem…

17. Orchid children are particularly
vulnerable…
• Most people are dandelions
• Able to take root and survive almost
anywhere.
• Some people are orchids
• More vulnerable than the dandelions
• Fragile and needing special care
• But capable of blooming spectacularly if
given that special care!

18. Britney’s Story
My boyfriend was the only one who
understood me…
Now that we’re not together
anymore, I feel so alone…
I have no one to talk to…

19. Why do today's young
people turn away from
parents as they get
older?

20. Q. Back in the old days, what did kids learn
about parents from these shows?

21. VIDEO CLIP:
MODERN TELEVISION
SHOW

22. A. Popular media - What is the message
about parents?

23. Media helps push our kids away...
• Today’s kids (either your kids or
your kids’ peers) spend several
hours a day on average in front
of a TV, or other screens
• Media messages are that
• Parents are lame
• The secret to happiness and
success is having
friends, and turning to your
peers

24. B. Decreased “expert” role: Where do young people turn if they
want to find something out?

25. Q. A child is playing ball with a parent. Who
is going to be more competent at it?

26. A. The parent and thus the child learns that
parents are competent and to look up to
parents…
In traditional societies, the young
learn from and thus respect their
elders… (But not so in modern
ones!)
Margaret Mead, 1956

27. VIDEO CLIP:
MODERN TELEVISION
SHOW

28. Q. In today‟s technology
obsessed world, who is better
with modern technology, our
1) children or 2) parents?

29. A. Our children know more
about the technology than we
do, which makes them think
they are superior…
Boy, my
dad is
terrible!
Boy, I hate
these video
games!

30. Economic Factors: Housing costs 2-3X more than in the
1970s – 40% of Canadian couples divorce… thus both
parents work outside the home..
Q. So who are the kids hanging out with when both
parents are working outside the home?
Kershaw, 2012

31. From an early age, our children spend more time with
peers in daycare and school than they do with adults.

32. How modern technology
weakens relationships

33. 2010 Kaiser Family Foundation Survey
• U.S. children/teens
• 7 hr/day
• ”Entertainment screens"
• Television, cell phones, hand-held games, iPads,
Internet games, Facebook and video games
• 2-hrs/day
• Violent video games

34. Q. What‟s the big deal about video
games?

35. VIDEO CLIP:
MODERN VIDEO GAME

36. Screenshot from Call of

37. Violence negatively affects children‟s
brains
• Violent video games are harmful
– Research confirms numerous harmful effects of video games on
behaviour, mood, relationships, physical health, sleep
• Violence in media in general
– Children/youth are exposed to violence in
movies, televisions, popular culture
– All of this desensitizes us to violence and cruelty
American Academy of Paediatrics,
Media Policy Statement

38. Dangers of modern communication and
social media
• Potential for addiction
• Superficiality is not true
intimacy
• “I have 500 Facebook friends, but
I can‟t really talk to anyone”
• Promotes jealousy and
insecurity
• Cyberbullying
Dr. Gwenn O'Keeffe, 2011; Dr.
Sherry Turkle, MIT and TEDS Talk

39. Texting
Destroying genuine human interaction
two thumbs at a time

40. How to (Re)Attach to your Youth:
Common Sense Principles from
Attachment Experts such as Neufeld
and Hughes

41. Classic view
• Attachment as a fixed foundation for the future… all
built in a child’s early years

42. Actually….
• Attachment is more like
bathing – you have to
keep up with it…

43. How connected are you to your child?
• Do you and your child
 1. Spend 1:1 time together?
 2. Have things in common?
 3. Prioritize each other’s relationship over other
competing distractions and relationships?
 4. Enjoy doing things and being helpful for each other?
 5. Express affection to each other?
 6. Does your child openly come to you to share how
s/he is feeling, e.g. for emotional support?
Adapted from Neufeld’s Modes of Attachment, 2005

44. Britney’s Story
Yes, I do spend a lot of time with my
mom, but I can’t talk to her…
She worries too much…
She nags me and lectures me…

45. Deep relationships are better than shallow
Deep relationship
* As should be with parents
Superficial, shallow relationships
* As is developmentally normal
with peers

46. The Most Powerful Strategy to Connect:
Empathy and Validation

47. Empathy and Validation
• Every one has the core need to feel loved and
accepted no matter what
•
•
•
•
No matter how they are feeling
No matter how successful/unsuccessful
No matter how good/bad
No matter how smart/dumb, etc…..
• Parents can and need to be able to meet this need
better than a child/youth’s peers

48. Even your spouses can’t meet this as well
as only parents can…

49. For the men in the room…
• Your girlfriend/wife/female
friend tells you a problem she
is having with a co-worker at
work…
• Q. Most of the time, what does
she want?
1) Your brilliant advice
2) Your listening, validation
and support

50. Listen for feelings, accept and validate
(Connection before Direction)
EMPATHIZE “I can see that you‟re
feeling really sad about this…”
(giving supportive hug)
VALIDATE/ACCEPT “That‟s okay if
you‟re feeling sad…”
SOOTHE “We‟ll get through this…”
“How can I support you?” “Do you
want me to listen?” “Or do you
want some advice?”

51. Avoid advice, minimizing, invalidating
“You‟re feeling sad about that?
Come on, there‟s a lot worse
things than that…
Don’t worry about it…
Don’t cry…
There’s a lot of fish in the
sea…”
“You need to just get over
this…”

52. Crying is good because parents can then
provide comfort
• When your child is
upset, explore your child‟s
feelings so that your child can
„grieve‟ about whatever the
stress is
• Crying with a parent is
therapeutic:
1) It helps your child‟s brain
process the sadness
2) It helps your child see that s/he
can turn to you for support

53. Empathy and validation:
Connection before direction
• Its Monday after the weekend, and
you need a favor from a co-worker
• Q. Do you say
1) “I need you to do this for me
right now!”
2) “Good morning!” “How‟s it
going?” “How was your
weekend?” “How are the kids
doing?”

54. Other ways to connecting based on
Neufeld’s Modes of Attachment

55. Spend 1:1 time with your child
▪ Invite your child to spend 1:1
time with you
▪ Have “dates”
▪ 1:1 time encourages deeper
communication and connection
▪ Example
▪ Car rides together (good)
▪ Going for a hot chocolate together
(better!)
▪ Warning sign is a youth that
doesn’t want 1:1 with a parent

56. Connect through things in common
• We feel closer someone when
we are similar or have things in
common
• Find things in common with
your child, such as
– Interests and activities…
– Shared memories
– Warning sign is a youth that
wants nothing in common with
parents

57. Prioritize your child
• When you are with your
child, show your child that you
value your attachment to your
child over your cell
phone, email, texting and other
distractions…
• Warning sign is a youth that
does not prioritize parent, or
vice versa
Cats in the Cradle,
Cat Stevens

58. Be helpful and useful to your child
• Counter the tendency in Western
society to encourage kids to be overly
independent and not need us
anymore
• You WANT your child to be
dependent on YOU
• You do not want your child to be
dependent on others, or turning
elsewhere…

59. Be helpful and useful to your child
• Surprise your child every once in awhile by
doing things that your child should be able to
do on their own
– Driving them
– Helping when they are short on time
– Picking up stuff they need, etc.
• Warning sign is a youth that refuses help or
being dependent on parents

60. Express love and affection
• Harlow‟s monkey experiments
showed that monkeys required
physical affection for development
• Children and youth need
affection, both physical and
emotional
• Warning sign is a youth that refuses
affection from parents

61. Attachment tip:
At every separation, talk
about the reunion

62. Q. You‟re just had a great date with
someone, and you want to see the other person
again… What do you say?
1) “I had a wonderful time.
Bye!”, or
2) “I had a wonderful time.
Want to get together on
the weekend?”

63. Whenever there is a separation, talk about the
next reunion
• If you as an adult would feel insecure about a lack of bridging,
then think how insecure a child would feel...!
• Children naturally feel more insecure because they are still
forming their primary attachments with caregivers…
Neufeld, 2005
Adult
Child

64. Whenever there is a physical separation, talk about the next
reunion
• Before your child leaves for school
– Parent: “See you after school” “Can’t wait until we go for our walk
later after school”
– Text your child during the school day
– Give your child transition objects, e.g. notes in your child’s lunch box;
special jewelry or possessions
• Before parent leaves for an errand
– Parent: “See you in an hour”
• Before bedtime:
– “See you in the morning” “What do you want for breakfast?”
Neufeld, 2005

65. Whenever there is an emotional
separation, talk about the next reunion
• Parent:
– “I really can’t let you talk to me that way. It is
unacceptable. You need to go to your room and cool
down.” (or, if that isn’t going to happen, “I need to go to
my room and cool down.”
• Bridge the separation
– “Let’s get back together in 20 minutes if we’re both
calmer then”
– “I love you; we’ll talk about this later and work it out.”
Neufeld, 2005

66. When there is a reunion, ensure there is a
greeting
• When the child wakes up in the morning
– “Good morning!”
• When child comes home after school
– “Hello!” “Good to see you!”
– “I was thinking about you doing your presentation when I was at
work today”
• When parent sees child after a longer than usual absence
– “I missed you so much” “I was thinking about you” “It wasn’t the
same with you gone”
Neufeld, 2005

67. Summary and Call to
Action

68. Attachment and Connection to our
Children/Youth
• Strong attachments (i.e. connections, relationships)
of children to nurturing adults is one of the strongest
foundations for mental health (i.e. resiliency factor)
• Unfortunately, many factors disconnect us from our
children/youth
• The good news is that there are strategies that you
can use to help strengthen your connection with
children

69. Call to Action for Parents
Spend 1:1 with your child
Connection before connection (by
listening, accepting, validating, and ideally avoid
giving advice or judgment)
Give hope by bridging all separations
▪ Every time a parent leaves a child, whether physically or
emotionally, talk about the next reunion with the child
Unplug and limit negative media messages
Neufeld, 2005; Hughes, 2009

70. Call to Action for Society
 Family friendly government policies
– Mandating businesses institute family friendly policies
– Quality childcare
– Postnatal not just prenatal classes
 Family friendly workplace policies
– On-site, in-house daycare
– Flex time, job sharing, temporary/permanent part-time, telecommuting,
mandatory parental leave, family medical leave, family health
benefits, childcare…
 Family friendly media
– Culture/media that promotes parents as important

71. References and More Information

72. eMentalHealth.ca: for information
about mental health and help…

73. Questions?