Really Bad design advice

This is a medley
of expert advice…

to define the quintessential
finesse of design.

“Always use Microsoft
Word. It is the best design
software available!”
Amazing Chunk of Advice #1

Don’t fall for the Photoshop, Illustrator,
and InDesign ruse. This software is named
after a primative manure-packed mud
brick. So un-designer-ish!

Found online design apps like Gimp, Pixlr,
and Pic Monkey? Approach with caution.
In fact, stay away! Why? They are FREE!
Which means they can’t be trusted. At
least Microsoft Word costs like $100. That
means it is real and probably better with
design stuff.

Plus, Microsoft Word works wonders with
images! …Well, I guess you wouldn’t know
that, based on the title…

“Choose exceptional stock
photography.”

Here are a few easy tips on how to pick
great stock photography. Just look for
the following trusty traits:

Choose models who are gazing off into
the distance. This prompts viewers to ask
themselves, “What were they thinking?”

Ah, here is another great example of
gazing off into the distance. Nice. Very
meditative.

It is also important to choose images
that have a very clear positive vibe. I’m
loving the enthusiastic thumbs up. This just
screams “positive”.

Also, take note of the composition. The
background models are standing in a
natural triangular formation. This ads to
the reality of the shot.

Also, the white background is a post-modern
interpretation of the reality of their clean,
steril work environment. On-site photography
just doesn’t achieve the same effect.

Next, be sure to choose the classic
handshake photo. This represents unity,
relationships and business all at once. Never
pass up this essential icon of professionalism.

An added bonus is that this composition calls
for contemplation about where the rest of the
table went and why those hands appear to
come out of nowhere. Facinating!

“Learn to mold images to
fit your needs.”

Ok. Back to Microsoft Word. We will be using
this sophisticated software to manipulate
images so that they can work in any situation,
or in this case, an ad. See as follows…
Call today and you will get the original dodecaphonic extrapolator for only $19.95!!!!

Have a photo that needs to take up more
horizontal real estate? No problem!
Call today and you will get the original
dodecaphonic extrapolator for only $19.95!!!!

Voila! An easy fix! All you have to do is
resize the image by dragging one of the
sides without holding the shift key.

The shift key maintains the proportions of the
image, so we want to make sure to avoid
that. This looks great, don’t you think?

This process works the other way around
too. If your image is just too big, you can
make it smaller.

Easy! Now let’s say you need the image to
be bigger than it is originally. That’s an easy
fix too.

Just drag out the image until it is as big as
you like. If you notice any pixelation, don’t
worry. The 8-bit pixel art look is all the rage
right now.
Call today and you will get the original
dodecaphonic extrapolator for only
$19.95!!!!

Just drag out the image until it is as big as
you like. If you notice any pixelation, don’t
worry. The 8-bit pixel art look is all the rage
right now.

“Make chic,
professional-looking
typography.”

Always use more than three fonts in your
design. Variety is key here. It keeps things
interesting.
Call today and you will get
the original dodecaphonic
extrapolator for only $19.95!!!!

In fact, make sure to use Papyrus, Comic
Sans, and Hobo. Those are the staple fonts.

Next add bright-colored gradients…

Then beveled edges…
the original
the original

Then add some dark drop shadows. Lovely!
Now your typography looks professional!

“Make your design POP!”

Now it is time to put everything together. A
photo will make this layout really POP!!!
the original
the original

Perfect! When you put text on top of the
photo you leave room for more stuff!!! Great!
the original
the original

It is important to fill in that negative space so
we aren’t wasting real estate. Eliminating
gaps in your design will also help the eye
move throughout the piece more smoothly.
the original
the original

Lovely! Now, we just have to make the
design POP! The best way to do this is
simple. Just make EVERYTHING bigger!!!
the original
the original
Fastest, easiest, safest way…
Guarenteed!!!!
As a special bonus, we will also
include a cabbage chopper…
Free!

Wow! This is great! Everything really POPs!
This is a design masterpiece!
Fastest, easiest, safest
way… Guarenteed!!!!
As a special bonus, we will also
include a cabbage chopper…
Free!

“Most importantly of all,
always go with your
gut feeling!”

When it comes to making design decisions,
there are two fatty tissue organs that
compete for the role of top decision-maker:

…The Brain and the Gut.
Brain
&
Gut

The brain, which regulates things like facts,
know-how, creativity, principles, analysis,
and comprehension, is overrated when it
comes to making design decisions.
Brain

Brain
Design should be instinctive, so there is no
need for educated decisions here.

Gut
Instead you need to turn to the fatty
neighbor down south for help. The gut simply
knows best.

Gut
The gut is the source of both indigestion and
intuition. Gut feelings may seem whimsical,
nonsensical, bizarre, idiotic or irregular, but you
can rest assured that they are always right.

So make sure to dodge brainiac tendencies and
let the gut get things moving. You’ll be sure to
end up with a gut-feeling product.
Brain
&
Gut

Really Bad design advice

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