My friend and I created a Harry Potter satire while killing time volunteering at the front desk of a local hospital.

10. Uh, ahhem…for me, learning to read was as hard as french kissing a cobra, you know…?

11. Excerpt from: The Biography of Albus, the Magician

12. Die, Voldy! Alas, I am about to die! Wait, Dumby, how about a couple pounds and we call it even…

14. and The Medlical Records Harry Potter

15. Hello, and welcomes to another interesting year at Hogwarts castle of ministry and magic. Oculus repairs!!……

16. … Welcome to another great year at Hogwarts! And as I was saying this year we will celebrate Voldemort's return,Hip Hip, Hurry! Hip, hip, Hurry!!!!! Another Round waiter!! Ü ber! Don’t tell me what to do you mogul! Petrificus Totolos!! Sir, you’re alcohol level is getting really high tonight!

17. … This year will be very exciting at Hogwarts, as we will be battling memento-dragoons! They are a mix between demeanors and dragons! Ü ber Harry, what’s that, your 7th drink tonight!?!? Waiter, Harry Potter commands some Crispy Ale!! Now! Crucial, Shut Hermione, or I’ll petrify you!! Crucial!! Salazar’s beard!! Gimme that beer or I’ll seduce you!

18. … Now before we begin, I want to make this very clear: Do not fool around with these memento-dragoons because they are deadly creatures that will chop off your meaty head. (breath) Whoever can defeat the most will get to face Voldemort in the final destination!! (breath) Please be aware that if you choose to participate, you will need to obtain a physical. No Physical, NO participation. (breath) It is of paramount importance to me that whoever signs up wear a jumpsuit so as not to impede another swimmer’s pace!!

19. Let the feast begin! Where’d I put the sorting hat?! OOH!

20. Perv! The ministry will turn your niece into a ferret! Crucial, Later, at Scotland Yard! Would you like more tea, prime minister?? No, but I would like more juice! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye!

21. Back At Hogwarts That is preposterous!! How in Gryffindor’s girdle did Voldemort kill the bartender?!?! Ahhhh, choo! Gesundheit! Professor Dumbledore I think you’ve drank too many Margaritas. No, I haven't. Professor McGonagall. Go to bed or I’ll seduce you with my salt and pepper! Achoo!

22. Why no, headmaster. But who would think of them at this time?! We are being attacked by the memento-dragoons! Tell me professor, do you know anything about Scottish caddies?? Harry Potter? That’s unfeasible! He barely knows what’s in his sleeve! I can assure you- Well, you did not know that our young Mr. Potter was a caddy, did you, McGonagall!?!?!?! Shut it! And you also didn’t know that he was a stand-up comic for 3 bloody years. Oh? I’m flabbergasted!!

23. Well, that’s not all. If you look into my pensive… Come closer, my child…

24. Closer…

25. OK. Now stare into the shiny liquid of illumination…

27. Harry, where’d you put my shaving cream?

28. Ohm, Harry not in public. Shut up, Ron!

29. The pensive does not lie, McGonagall! Do not rub the wrong way! What? That is horrendous! Professor Dumbledore, you are sure? Sorry, headmaster!

30. Keep looking, you old swine

32. Harry, I was the doctor that brought you into this world… I am Dr. Voldemort! Your mom used up all the morphine, and 2/3 of the other patients died!!

33. I was also your father’s therapist!! He was so evil that his glasses broke telling me his stories!!

34. And Harry doesn’t mind if he doesn’t…make the scene. He’s got a daytime job, he’s doin’ alright. He can play the honky-tonk like anything. Saving it up for Friday night!

35. Yes, I shaved it. Because he cannot see himself in a mirror, he is Dracula’s nephew! Hufflepuff’s Horcruxes! It’s Voldemort! He shaved his head that fiend did!! Ai caramba!!

36. Ah, we are under attack. The memento-dragoons will take over Hogwarts. Wedgies! That night

37. Gurgle, give it up, Dumbledore. I have strict orders from Voldemort to capture you and bring you to him. I will not fail, Chewbacca!

38. Hold on, let me get down there. Darn, I left my wand on the toilet seat!

39. We have no time to waste, my tea is getting cold.

40. Oh, you’re so slippery!! Ahhhh, help! Nagini is harassing my wife! Hey, you, Perv! Your husband will be forced to clean my bathroom for a year, oh hopf!

41. The next day in the library Wh-what? No, no my child. I was just resting my neck! Caught you looking! Perv! Ah! You’re not Dumbledore, you’re an impostor! Do you have a six-pack? No, you’re an impostor!

42. I am Count Dracula, from Transylvania. Hand it over. What are you looking for? My scalpel, hand it over!!!!

43. Thank you! I believe the time has come to suck out your soul!! I sold my soul for rock and roll!

44. Tell me, where is Mr. Harry Potter? Or I will suck out your soul… I’ll not tell you! You evil vampires will never kill Harry!

45. Gasp* Hold it right there, Dracula!

46. Oh…my hero STOP ! In the name of love………

47. There’s Potter! Do u mind!

48. Don’t worry, little squirrel! I, Dumbledore, will seduce him with my salt and pepper. Harry Potter, my senses tell me you are going to be my next meal, Chewbacca! Dracula, I will cremate your residue and scatter your vestiges into Voldemort’s coffee!! Imperious!!

49. Imperious!! Bah, my tresses are on fire!!

50. Oh, OOOOH!! Chewbacca will avenge my cremation!!!! OL É!

51. At Voldemort's secret lairrrrr You spineless rat! He killed my uncle!! I do not fund industries for failure….disintegration! You will burn at the stake! Crucial!

52. Oh-h-h! Master…please don’t eradicate me! It was Dracula’s fault. M-hmmm! I scrutinized a little after his death and discovered an unforeseen fact: Harry Potter is older than he looks…He ages 1 and 4/7 times faster than his peers!! In actuality he is 21 years old! That makes him old enough to vote!! Needless to say, to drink! Bubble wrap!

53. Meanwhile, in the next room... … Oh, yes. Dr. Voldemort has the lowest rated therapeutic massages. No, no he’s in a meeting with a colleague…

54. Master, I will not fail again. But Chewbacca persisted, I- Don’t bring your cousin into this, Wormtail! He followed my orders! AGHH!! You always disobey me! I won’t be indulgent this time!!

55. Imperious!! No, no!! AAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghghghhhhhhh!!!

56. The next die... Yes, my lord. Now, without additional argument…Chewbacca, my plan to overthrow Hogwarts will begin! Oh, and kill that British humorist! God save the queen!

57. Chewbacca, meditate quietly and reflect upon which level of carnage you want to see. As hard as fisting a velociraptor!

58. Later... Depravity! How the heck are we supposed to change this flat? Grarghhh!! As easy as stamping on kittens! Come here, I’ll fist that guilty demeanor out of ye!!!

59. Don't look Merlin’s Mustache!! Holy Ganzoodles! No, please…I swear I’m not having an affair with her majesty!! Please no-Aaaghh! Tell me the truth and I’ll ease your passing!

60. Ok, I lied…she’s three months pregnant…ohhhhhh

61. Harry, Harry! Can you help me a second? Crookshanks is acting awfully keen!! Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts

62. Yes, he’s the Hogwarts veterinarian! And he specializes in cats! Professor Snake? Yes, well…rather odd indeed. Maybe you should let Snake check him out… Ohhhhh!! (cough) What meow?

63. It looks to me like he’s bisexual… Well, it looks to me like he’s in a bit of a dilemma. He thinks he is a male when in fact he’s a female… But, professor, I hope it’s not going to lead to complications!? He will return to normal? Ohh, doctor, I thought we agreed to keep this between us…

64. Suddenly Ahhhh…the fate of Hogwarts is in the hands of the evil Voldemort. No one can save us now! Hogwarts…prepare for your termination! Harry Potter, you will be executed by means of impaling.

65. Why does it have to end this way? I love you, Dumbledore!!! Without Dumbledore, we will fall prey to Voldemort and his excavating bulldozers!! Don’t panic, Hobbits. We will try to defeat them…Where’s McGonagall? I told Dumbledore we needed Walkie-Talkies!

66. You know, Professor McGonagall, that you can always stretch the truth…I mean look at our president… But we are held under siege… we cannot do anything. If only master Dumbledore were here… What a stupid janitor, where did Hatred go? I think we need a new leader, someone to get rid of this maniac Voldemort. Someone skilled enough to think like him, work undercover, and strike at the right moment. Like me for example… Don’t be daft!!

67. In a corner of the great hall..

68. Ahhhh! It’s Count Voldemort. Achoo! Yes! I have used steroids to increase the circumference of my head. Ahem.

69. And now, prepare to pay for that pitiful stocking you sent for Christmas! Imperious! Chewbacca, attack!

70. Levitator! Curses! This must the aftereffects of the head enlargement curse! Ahh! You are coming in too rough!

71. Do not worry! I, Dumbledore, will seduce him with my comedic sedatives.

72. There must be a way to rescue Dumbledore. Stop talking, you emaciated Death Eatre! No reason to get excited! I have a plan. HEY, HATRED!!! I thought you were on your honeymoon with The Kneel?! I have used up all our morphine for Hermione’s cat! Darn felines, I should have clogged Voldemort’s toilet with its corpse!! Yes! Suddenly

73. Mahwah! I’ll show you fleshy… Oh, please tell me, Hatred. Yes, well…I doubt we will fit in there with all of our students. Especially those two fleshy fools, Gayle and Crabs! They eat like elephants. And you know I’m not good with irrational numbers. We could set up traps in the castle and barricade ourselves in Dumbledore’s quarters.

74. OL É!

75. OOH, Hatred, your pockets are getting fat! ARFH, ARFH!!! BARF! SERIOUS! Québec in my pocket!!

76. Stars spend about 90 percent of their lives in an equilibrium between the outward thermal pressure from fusion and gravity’s inward pull! AHH!! Am I going to die??!

77. Well, aren’t you a little fat! You got planets orbiting your fat body!

100. Ahhhhh!!! AAAHHH! AHHAA! MOTHER GOOSE!

101. Z Z Z Z Z Z OOH, OOEH, OOH!!

102. Suddenly MAS Ò M É NOS!! Tengo dolor de mi cab é za!

103. Adios! Tu mama es muy garganta! Suddenly Hey, Hatred! Come on! We are being attacked by Count Voldemort’s entourage!!

104. S í! Let’s go! Hurry up! Va, va! Tu mama es muy fuert é !

105. Suddenly I didn’t mean it ! Hiss!! My spleen is overflowing! AH! Ooze! Ooh, oowe, ooh!

106. We have no time to waste, as my tea is getting cold! NOOOOOOOO!! Minerva, my love! I will avenge thy butchery! Or my name isn’t Professor Snake! You won’t escape this time, Snake!! Nagini, quick attack!

107. Go, Nagini! Pikachu, I choose you!! Use flamethrower!

108. Grarghhh! The doctor recommended steroids for my emaciated figure!

109. Nagini, use Splash! Yes, master!

110. Bada-Boom!!

111. My pokemon is better than your pokemon! Pikachu, stand up! Don’t be a loser! Am I going to die?

112. What attack should I use meow! Master, let me finish it! No no please!!

113. Nagini, use vine whip!! Yes, master. My tailbone! AH!

114. AHH!

115. AHH!

116. Hissss! Pikachu is eliminated!! x x

117. Washeba! No one can defeat, Nagini!! Yes, master. Yes, yes! Calm your horses, Snake. I have a surprise! Hatred! You lost…Ahh! Quick use another pokemon before we lose!! AGGAG!!!

118. Go! SERIOUS!! Impossible!! That is an extremely Rare pokemon!! OOH! OOWEH!

119. SERIOUS, use Barf!! Nagini, ARFF! ARRF! BARF!!

120. ARFF! ARRF! BARF!!

121. EEEH! What’s it doing?! AAH! GGAAAHRRT!!

126. OOH! Nagini is dead. Use another pokemon!

127. Hashanah!! Go, Cerberus!! Rhrrrrgh! Ghhgh! Hello! Don’t worry SERIOUS, I have fed you steroids…AAHAHA!

128. Cerberus! Use Surf!!! Yes, master. Yes, my master Hello, master! Ah, I hate Cerberus. This pokemon should be instinct!

130. Yes, yes!! Ha-ha, meow use myst! SERIOUS, are you ok? Seriously, are you ok?

131. Ok, SERIOUS, use The Head enlargement curse!! Now! What? Curses!

132. What? Curses!

133. What? Curses!

134. What? Curses!

135. What? Curses!

136. What? Curses!

137. What? Curses!

138. What? Curses!

139. What? Curses!

140. What the? Curses!

141. No, the curses! SERIOUS, use body Slam!

146. The Cerberus has been damaged! Hatred wins this round!

147. SERIOUS, kill the Chewbacca!! Ooh, OOOE, OOH!! Ahh, OOH OHM! No, no! Beware my chain saw!!!!

152. No, SERIOUS! What the devil…the aftereffects of the Head enlargement curse!

153. Sesame Open!

154. Je ne te connais pas! SERIOUS, NOOOOOOO!!!!! Qu ébec in my pocket!

155. No one can defeat me!!! Or my name isn’t Chewbacca! OOOH, OOWEH!! OOOH! Wait! Go, Fluffy! I brought this one over from Romania!

156. Fluffy! Use OOH OOWEH OOH!! What’s that?

157. OOOH OOOHWEH OOH!

159. CURSES….they’ve killed all my minions! But I still have Dumbledore as an insurance policy. Now for plan B… Chewbacca is eliminated!

160. Later at the Hogwartz Disco

161. I’m sorry, may I? What? No way! Get away, you bald loser!!! Honey…don’t you know who that is? OHH…I’m scared!

162. Oh!? Big mistake, you meager mogul! Such disobedience will not be tolerated by the DARK LORD!!! What’s that fool saying now?! Oh, no! He sounds angry….let's just go!

164. What? Where am I? “ What? Where am I?” HAHA! YOU ARE AT THE DARK LORD’S MERCY, YOU FOOL!!

165. H-have mercy….please don’t kill me! I can’t see anything!!! You should have considered that before insulting the dark lord!! Washeba!!

166. Please…I don’t want to die! You have been a greedy little mogul!! You think that girl you were with, the dark lord forgot?? BEHOLD!!

167. What? No….NO!!!! YOU EVIL WAR PIG!! What did you do to her heart? ENOUGH! You weak mogul! I’ve had enough of your putrid comments! Avra Kedabra!

168. AVRA KEDABRA!! Noo-

169. That should teach you!! No one can escape the killing spell! ehh, except one… Harry Potter! Now, let me get back to my plan! AHH! AHHH, NOO!!! AAHHH! IT BURNS!! AH-AH-AHH!!!

170. WORMTAIL!!! Dispose of these cremations NOW! I have work to do, and remember…this could have been you! Yes master!