1. Tell me a tale
Subtle Speech: It's A Jewish Thing
By SARI STEINBERG
“It's okay, I'll sit in the dark.” mentary on the beginning of Sefer Breishit (Genesis). Why did
the Torah – our book of laws and history – start with creation,
That's the punchline to a classic: “How many Jewish mothers
rather than with the first mitzvah or the beginning of our na-
does it take to change a light bulb?” To most people, this version
tionhood? Because, according to the non-textual interpretation
of the joke is about “Jewish guilt” (we can talk about that some
other time), but to me it's about how subtle we can be in our com- tradition, this way we recognize that Israel is the birthright of the
munication. How indirectly can your mother ask you to do Jewish nation.
something?
Similarly, much of Torah cannot be interpreted literally. There's
True, we Jews have we have our share of the bold and the brash. no argument that the laws of keeping kosher boil down to not
There are the stereotypical outspoken (New York) Jews, and seething a kid (the goat kind) in its mother's milk. No matter
Modern Hebrew brings us dugri, a word for speaking straight how you look at it, the requirements of keeping meat and milk
and to the point. And there are times and places where efficiency separate is more complex than that. Why does the Torah not
trumps etiquette extras. For example, when at the butcher shop, spell the details out in writing? Is this a lesson in listening beyond
we don't mince our words when it comes to ordering mincemeat,
the obvious?
and we speak quite frankly about the frankfurters we want. But
many interactions could use some softening, and that's within My family's dinner table was doubly kosher: the food was kosher,
our tradition as well. This other side of Jewish communication and the manner of speaking was, too. Subtlety was served up
deserves more recognition – and deserves to be remembered both with relish and in abundance. It was perfectly natural – so much
when we speak and when we listen. In contrast to the two-by-
so that I remember being shocked by a guest's literal interpreta-
four-between-the-eyes approach, this other Jewish speech is in-
tion of my question, “Does anyone want the last potato?” For us,
direct, sophisticated, and gentle. And it's as old as time.
this was code for, “I'd like to have the last potato, but I'm willing
The Torah is peppered with examples of subtle speech. (Unfor- to split it with anyone else who wants it.” Coming from a differ-
tunately for Lot's wife, a non-Jew, she didn't listen closely enough ent background, though, the guest thought I had offered that pre-
to subtlety and took a direct order with a grain of salt....) Perhaps cious portion – and took it!
the paradigm for listening began when our forefather Avraham
needed to buy a burial plot for his wife Sarah. The land owner, Subtlety can be keenly important in all relationships, and espe-
Ephron Ben Tzohar, said he wanted nothing in exchange for the cially useful in parenting. Rather than continually beating the
Cave of the Machpeilah, but Avraham insisted on compensating drum of criticism, a parent can employ humor and subtlety can
him. Finally, when Ephron dismissively said, “What's four hun- make when offering guidance and direction. Instead of saying
dred shekels between you and me?” Avraham immediately took “Stop whining, some parents have more clever packaging for the
the hint and shelled out the shekels. The result of this subtle ne-
message, such as “I don't speak Whinese” or “Would you like
gotiation? Our nation's first foothold in Israel.
some cheese to go with that whine?” This not only relieves some
When the prophet Nathan wished to rebuke King David on the of the tension, but may even give children an opportunity to think
matter of his marriage to Batsheva, he didn't immediately say more about their behavior as they interpret the comment.
“You've sinned!” Rather, he delivered his message slowly, through
the parable of a rich man taking a poor man's only lamb. The Looking back at the light bulb joke, we can imagine that ideally,
sages say that a big part of King David's greatness is that he rec- a son or daughter would have gotten the hint and changed the
ognized the truth, admitted his error, and expressed deep regret. light bulb, happy to have an opportunity to help a beloved
His understanding of his own actions surely were enhanced by mother. Listening to what is not being said could save you a lot
the parable he'd heard. The result? David is one of the greatest of grief... and guilt.
Jews in history, and his union with Batsheva ultimately will lead
to our redemption. (This article is a subtle reminder to figure out what your parents
need before they have to spell it out.)
Midrashic interpretations accompany Torah from start to finish,
adding layers of insight to the written words. One of the earliest Sari Steinberg (sariscribe@gmail.com) is a freelance writer and edi-
of these as far as connection in the text is found in Rashi's com- tor, memoir ghostwriter, and author.
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