How to be assertive in life

1. •WHAT IS IT?
•HOW CAN IT HELP ME?
•WHAT DO I NEED TO DO?

2.  Assertiveness is
the ability to
communicate your
needs, feelings,
opinions, and
beliefs in an open
and honest manner
without violating
the rights of others

3. Passive Assertive Aggressive

4. 1. IS NOT THE SAME AS AGGRESSIVE
BEHAVIOR.
2. AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR ENHANCES SELF AT
THE EXPENSE OF OTHERS.
3. ASSERTIVENESS PRODUCES POSITIVE
OUTCOMES FOR ALL; AGGRESSIVE ACTS
RESULT IN NEGATIVE OUTCOMES.

5. Passive Assertive Aggressive
Style Not expressing needs Honest, open, direct Domineering, insisting
Self-devaluing Recognises own rights Win / lose
Waiting to be led Listens to others’ needs Not listening
Non- Small posture Upright, balanced pose Interrupting
verbal Quiet, hesitant voice Firm, clear voice Loud
Little eye contact Steady eye contact Staring, pointing
behaviour
Language Sorry to bother you … I believe/need/I’d like That won’t work
I can’t seem to … No (when appropriate) You can’t be serious
It’s only my opinion Open questions Your problem / fault

6. I’m OK
You’re not OK You’re OK
I’m not OK

7. I’m OK
AGGRESSIVE ASSERTIVE
You’re not OK You’re OK
PASSIVE / PASSIVE
AGGRESSIVE
I’m not OK

8. 1. HELPS YOU BECOME
SELF-CONFIDENT
2. INCREASES SELF-
ESTEEM
3. GAIN RESPECT OF
OTHERS
4. IMPROVE
COMMUNICATION
SKILLS
5. IMPROVE DECISION-
MAKING ABILITY

9. Assertiveness and self-confidence
methods
3. Know your facts and have them to hand.
4. Anticipate other people's behaviour and prepare
your responses.
5. Prepare and use good open questions.
6. Re-condition and practice your own new
reactions to aggression - display positive
writings where you will read them often - it's a
proven successful technique.
www.businessballs.com

10. Barriers (FEAR)
 “I won’t be able to handle it.”
 Others’ decisions
 Others’ attitudes
 Patterns:
- not wanting to upset
- not wanting to put out
- acquiescing
 Lack of self-belief
 Lack of clear intentions

11. 1. BE HONEST AND DIRECT ABOUT YOUR
FEELINGS, NEEDS, BELIEFS.
2. EXPRESS YOURSELF FIRMLY AND DIRECTLY
TO SPECIFIC INDIVIDUALS.
3. BE REASONABLE IN YOUR REQUESTS

12. 1. STATE YOUR VIEWPOINT WITHOUT BEING
HESITANT OR APOLOGETIC.
2. BE HONEST WHEN GIVING OR RECEIVING
FEEDBACK.
3. LEARN TO SAY “NO” TO UNREASONABLE
EXPECTATIONS.
4. PARAPHRASE WHAT OTHERS HAVE STATED
TO YOU.

13. 1. REGOGNIZE AND RESPECT THE RIGHTS OF
THOSE AROUND YOU.
2. USE APPROPRIATE TONE OF VOICE.
3. BE AWARE OF BODY POSTURE/LANGUAGE
4. MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT.
5. USE “I” STATEMENTS TO EXPRESS SELF

14. 1. DON’T LET OTHERS
IMPOSE THEIR
VALUES/IDEAS ON YOU
2. ENCOURAGE OTHERS TO
BE CLEAR AND DIRECT
3. TAKE OWNERSHIP

15. 1. Prepare and use good open questions.
Questions that bullies dislike most are deep,
constructive, incisive and probing, especially if the
question exposes a lack of thought, preparation,
consideration, consultation on their part. For example:
• 'What is your evidence for what you’ve said ?'
• 'Who have you consulted about this?'
• 'How did you go about looking for other
solutions?'
• 'How have you measured the problem ?'
• 'How will you measure the true effectiveness of
your solution if you implement it?'
www.businessballs.com

16. Potential scripts:
”When you ………
I feel ………
because ………
and I would like / need ……….”

17. Actions (LOVE)
 Only you can know what’s important for you.
(So the same’s true for others)
 Focus on that
 Stick to that
 Show / demonstrate the positive ….
 …. imagine getting positive back
 Value yourself …. and continue to

18. ‘Don’t believe yourself and don’t believe anybody else.’
The Four Agreements:
 Be impeccable with your word
 Don’t take anything personally
 Don’t make assumptions
 Always do your best
Ruiz, M. (2004) The Voice of Knowledge

19. Inquiry: The Four Questions and Turnaround
 Is it true ?
 Can you absolutely know that it’s true ?
 How do you react when you think that thought ?
 Who would you be without that thought ?
Turn it around
Mitchell, B.K. (2002) Loving What Is

20. 1. The right to respect myself because of who I
am.
2. How to lead my life…pursuing goals,
dreams, etc.
3. Have my own values, beliefs, etc.
4. To tell others how I wish to be treated.
5. To change my mind and make mistakes
without being ridiculed.

21. 1. TO HAVE POSITIVE, HEALTHY, SATISFYING
RELATIONSHIPS IN WHICH I AM SAFE AND
RESPECTED.
2. TO CHANGE AND DEVELOP MY LIFE HOW I
DETERMINE.
3. TO BE HAPPY AND AT PEACE.

22. 1. DOESN’T JUST
HAPPEN.
2. DOES NOT
GUARANTEE YOU
HAPPINESS OR FAIR
TREATMENT.
3. WILL NOT SOLVE ALL
YOUR PROBLEMS
4. DOES NOT
GUARANTEEE YOU
WILL GET WHAT YOU
WANT.