D8 e8 managing conflict with angry clients - participants' manual

Managing Conflict with Angry
Clients:
Foundational Skills for
Front-Line Staff
OCASI Professional Development Conference
November 2010

©Conflict Resolution Service, St. Stephen's Community House, 2010
© Conflict Resolution Service, St. Stephen’s Community House
www.ststephenshouse.com
2

St. Stephen’s Community House
St. Stephen's Community House is a community-based social service agency,
serving the needs of Kensington Market and surrounding neighbourhoods in
downtown West Toronto since 1974.
The Conflict Resolution Service (CRS) offers mediation and training services
to people and organizations in conflict or acting to manage future conflict. We
draw on over 20 years’ practical experience in providing dispute resolution for
people from diverse backgrounds in many different types of disputes. Improving
communication and strengthening relationships is at the heart of our work.
Conflict Resolution Service, St. Stephen’s Community House
91 Bellevue Ave., Toronto, ON. M5T 2N8
416-925-2103 416-925-2271 www.ststephenshouse.com
crs.training@ststephenshouse.com
______________________________________________________________________
Our View of Conflict
• Conflict is inevitable;
• Conflict is an opportunity for learning, dialogue and understanding;
• Early indicators of conflict can be recognized;
• There are strategies for resolution that are available and DO work.
With the right response, conflict can be an opportunity.
“We all experience painful differences with others as a part of living. Perhaps
more than any other challenge in life, our ability to work out differences with
others affects our ability to live well and be happy. Yet most of us get little
thoughtful guidance on how to do this. We figure out a few things by trial and
error, but we are often confused and hurt by what happens in conflicts…
[Learning constructive approaches to conflict] can help you understand
confusing situations and make a real difference in the quality of relationships
in home, school, work and community settings.”
– Ron Kraybill
3

Understanding Anger
In order to understand conflict situations, it is important to know that underlying anger
there are commonly two other feelings: disappointment and fear.
Disappointment
Disappointment includes anything on the spectrum ranging from mildest disappointment,
through a sense of loss, all the way to a feeling of betrayal. A feeling of disappointment
or loss occurs when a need has not been met, whether or not it could be considered
reasonable for the other person to have met that need.
It is normal for people to feel disappointment even if they had no legitimate reason to
expect a particular person to meet their needs. (Feelings can often be unreasonable; we
use our discretion when we decide what would be a reasonable way to act on our
feelings in the circumstances.)
Fear
Fear includes anything on the spectrum ranging from mildest concern and worry, through
anxiety, all the way to terror.
People may be afraid that a need will be not be met in the future, whether or not the
need has been met in the past, whether or not there is any new reason to expect that the
need will not be met, and whether or not it is reasonable to expect a particular person to
meet that need. Again, feelings can be unreasonable.
Anger
Either disappointment or fear, or both together, can lead to anger. Understanding what
the unmet need was, and understanding the experience the person has had in relation to
that need, can be key in dealing with an angry person.
Values
One kind of need that may not have been met is a need related to a person’s values.
A value is simply the feeling a person has about the way things should go in the world,
how people should treat each other, what each person is entitled to expect from others.
Even experiences that seem insignificant can be tied in with important values that a
person holds.
Respect for the conflict
The connection with values is one reason why very heated conflicts can result from
events that seem trivial. It is important in dealing with people involved in conflict never to
minimize the importance of the conflict to them. It is important to show respect and
understanding for the key values that may be involved and the experiences people have
had around them.
4

When Conflict Goes Wrong…
The Dynamics of Conflict Escalation
When people hear another person’s position, complaints or demands, it makes
them fear that their own needs will not be met.
People then feel they must protect their needs by:
Defending:
 their behaviour (“I’m not doing anything wrong.”) and
 their character (“I'm being reasonable.”)
and by Attacking with:
 criticism of the other’s behaviour (“You’ve broken the rules.”);
 criticism of the other’s character (“You’re being unreasonable.”);
 threats (“I’ll speak to the manager if…”);
 insults (“You’re incompetent.”);
 minimizing the other’s complaint (“What are you getting so upset
about?”).
When the other hears the attacks, they respond similarly by defending
themselves and attacking the other.
This escalates the conflict as both people shift their attention away from the
problem and focus on defending themselves and attacking the other.
The effects of conflict escalation include:
 distrust;
 communication breakdown as both avoid hurtful interactions;
 misunderstandings that result from unchecked assumptions;
 each person’s sense of legitimacy is undermined by the other’s
criticisms;
 problem-solving is minimal as each spends energy on defending
themselves and attacking the other.
If one or both people can prevent the cycle of conflict escalation, it will be
possible to build a cooperative problem-solving climate. It increases the chance
of reaching a resolution that will meet everyone’s needs.
5

De-escalating Conflict:
Responding to Angry People
1. Try to remain calm and not take the anger
personally
2. Acknowledge the person’s concerns
(Active Listening)
3. Invite Information around Problem-solving
(Active Listening)
6

Remaining Calm
Taking a few moments to ground yourself helps you stay calm, organize your thoughts,
and separate the person from the problem.
Strategies to Get Grounded
Your ideas and other participants’ ideas:
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
The Mind-Body Connection:
(adapted from The Instinct To Heal, by David Servan-Schreiber, MD, PhD)
There is a physiological basis for our emotions. Medical research has shown that there
is a close connection between the part of our brain that regulates emotion and our
bodies.
Under stress, the emotional brain can override the rational/cognitive part of our brain.
This is also known as “emotional flooding.” When this happens, our ability to use reason
and to control our behavior is lost, and we can only think in terms of “defense” and
“attack”. Emotional flooding also triggers a physiological response (e.g. tension in the
body, increased heart rate etc.) which makes it difficult for us to respond calmly and
resolve conflict in a positive and productive way.
However, this imbalance can also go in the other direction: The cognitive brain can
temper our emotional reactions, but if overused, we can lose contact with the emotional
part of our brain, which helps us get in touch with our “gut feeling” about things and
what truly matters to us.
What we want to achieve is a balance between emotion and reason. This balance is the
foundation of self-knowledge, cooperation, and the capacity to resolve conflict.
A simple way of achieving this balance and calm is through deep breathing.
Three deep breathing methods include:
1) Heart Coherence
• Turn your attention inward; set aside personal concerns for a few minutes
• Take two deep, slow breaths
• Centre attention on your heart for 10-15 seconds
• Recall a positive emotion/pleasant memory (feelings of recognition,
gratitude, love rapidly provoke heart coherence)
• Continue to breathe until a smile appears on your face 
2) Relaxing Points of Tension
• Stop and take note of where and how your body is tense/reacting to
stress or anger
• Breathe deeply into these parts of your body until they relax
3) Calming & Smiling
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• Say/think “calming” as you breathe in, and “smiling” as you breathe out…
Not Taking It Personally:
Focusing on What’s Beneath the Surface
Positions are judgments or fixed ideas about how to resolve a problem.
 They are usually accompanied by assumptions about the other person.
 Positions harden as conflict escalates. People dig into them.
 People become invested in positions. Changing them can mean losing face.
Beneath the surface are a person’s needs, wishes, concerns, feelings, beliefs,
values, and experiences. These are the underlying reasons why someone
takes a particular position.
 They are what is truly most important to people
 Understanding them clears up mistaken assumptions
 Understanding them leads to better solutions
8

Charmaine NEVER
consults us! She’s
such a tyrant!
PO
SI
TI
ON
:
IN
TE
RE
ST
S:
Need
s
Feeli
ngs
Belie
fs
Valu
es
Expe
rienc
es
?
?
?
?
?
Charmaine NEVER
consults us! She’s
such a tyrant!
PO
SI
TI
ON
:
IN
TE
RE
ST
S:
Need
s
Feeli
ngs
Belie
fs
Valu
es
Expe
rienc
es
?
?
?
?
?
Position:
Below surface:
Needs, Wishes
Concerns
Feelings
Beliefs
Values
Experiences
?????
This is ridiculous!
You fill out that
form RIGHT NOW!
9

Active Listening
Techniques that Help the Other Person Talk About Their Needs
Technique Purpose How to Do This
AcknowledgingInformation
Restating
"So you've been trying to get
this problem resolved for
several weeks.”
"So you think I'm singling you
out because you're a woman.
Is that right?”
“You find the process too
complicated. Is that right?”
1. To show that you’re listening
and understand
2. To check your meaning and
interpretation
• Put the speaker’s key
points in your own
words
Reflecting Feelings
“You seem upset about…”
“You’re really frustrated at the
length of time this process is
taking.”
“You were embarrassed
when he made that comment
in front of everybody. Is that
right?”
1. To show that you
understand how the other
person feels
2. To help the other person
consider his/her own
feelings after hearing them
expressed by someone else
• Identify the speaker’s
emotions
• It is often helpful to
include the reason
why the speaker
feels this way, to
avoid sounding
patronizing
Reflecting Values and
Positive Intentions
“Being treated fairly is
important to you.”
“You raised your voice to get
my attention. Is that right?”
“So you’ve done everything
you can think of to resolve
this.”
1. To acknowledge the
speaker’s values and how
they affect the conflict
2. To recognize the speaker’s
positive intentions and
efforts
• Identify the speaker’s
values, positive
intentions or positive
efforts
InvitingInformation
Encouraging 1. To convey interest
2. To encourage the other
person to keep talking
• Minimize distractions
• Be aware of body
language
Clarifying Questions
“Can you say more about
that?”
"What happens when….?"
"What is it that I'm doing
that bothers you?"
1. To clarify what is said
2. To get more information
3. To help the speaker be
concrete & specific
• Ask open-ended
questions
10

Why Use Active Listening?
When people clearly know that the things of importance to them have been
heard, they…
• Feel calmer
• Are less likely to respond with defensiveness and attacks
• Have greater willingness to listen
When defensiveness and attacks are reduced or avoided…
• The cycle of conflict escalation slows or ends
• Information important for problem-solving can come forward
The Spirit of Active Listening
Good listening requires that the listener be curious. Know that you don’t know
everything. Resist assumptions. People and situations are unique and complex.
Expect to be surprised. As well, real listening is impossible without having a
genuine interest in what’s important to someone else.
11

Communication Blockers
The following approaches tend to discourage people from telling you more about
their concerns, feelings, needs, and experiences. We are not saying these
approaches are never appropriate; for instance, in some situations it may be
helpful to reassure someone or give them advice. Before doing so, however, it is
good to ask yourself if you have really taken the time to hear the person out and
acknowledge what they have told you.
COMMUNICATION BLOCKER EXAMPLE
Advising “What you should do is…”
Analyzing / Diagnosing “The problem as I see it is…”
Blaming “This would never have happened if you hadn’t…”
Cross-Examining “Why did you do that?”
Diverting “What I did is not the issue. What about when
you…?”
Judging/Evaluating “What you’re doing wrong is…”
“The only good thing about this is…”
Non-Verbal Blockers Negative body language: crossed arms, frowning
Negative noises: huffing, sighing, tsking
Distracting movements: pacing, tapping, leg-
shaking
Reassuring/Minimizing “Don’t worry, it’s no big deal.”
“That’s just how Bob is.”
12

Communication Blockers
The following approaches tend to discourage people from telling you more about
their concerns, feelings, needs, and experiences. We are not saying these
approaches are never appropriate; for instance, in some situations it may be
helpful to reassure someone or give them advice. Before doing so, however, it is
good to ask yourself if you have really taken the time to hear the person out and
acknowledge what they have told you.
COMMUNICATION BLOCKER EXAMPLE
Advising “What you should do is…”
Analyzing / Diagnosing “The problem as I see it is…”
Blaming “This would never have happened if you hadn’t…”
Cross-Examining “Why did you do that?”
Diverting “What I did is not the issue. What about when
you…?”
Judging/Evaluating “What you’re doing wrong is…”
“The only good thing about this is…”
Non-Verbal Blockers Negative body language: crossed arms, frowning
Negative noises: huffing, sighing, tsking
Distracting movements: pacing, tapping, leg-
shaking
Reassuring/Minimizing “Don’t worry, it’s no big deal.”
“That’s just how Bob is.”
13

Assorted Techniques to Defuse Hostility
in Addition to Active Listening
Use your judgment about when to use these ideas and how to combine them – they are
not appropriate in all situations. When used in appropriate circumstances, these
techniques will work best when used together with active listening.
1. Let the person know which parts of their problem have been solved
 “I was able to clear up that confusion and this is what will now be happening . . .”
 “Turns out you're eligible for . . . “/“Yes, now at least you will be able to . . . ”
 Take action as appropriate to meet part of the person’s concerns
2. Explanation or information
• “This is what the process is . . . Our policies are…”
• “The services we provide here are . . . .. If you need . . . , then you can obtain those
services at ...”
• “Today I can hear from you all the information about the situation. Then I will need to take a
look at it and possibly find out ... When we meet again on . . . , I'll be able to let you know
how things look.”
3. Take the person to another location
Sometimes changing location can give an angry person the chance to calm down a little.
For instance, the presence of other people may be affecting the person, and changing location
can remove them from the “audience”. In another location they may be able to back down from
their demands without worrying about losing face.
• “Let's sit down over here. It will be easier for us to talk here.”
• “Let’s step outside so you can have a smoke while we talk.”
• “Let’s go into this meeting room.”
In a workplace setting, know the policy on this issue and use your judgment – perhaps you
would choose a place where you can still be seen by your co-workers.
4. Leave the person alone for a moment
• “I need to take a moment to collect my thoughts…”
• “Can we take a break?”
• “I’ll check on that for you and I’ll be back in a minute.”
5. Make plans about how you will discuss their concerns
• "Let's talk about . . . first and deal with . . . after that."
14

6. Apology/expression of regret/expression of goodwill
• “I’m very sorry that…
• “I will do all that I can in future to make sure that. . .”
• “Let’s check everything over now so we can both feel sure it won’t happen again.”
• “I wish I could have helped you with that.”
7. Refer the person on to someone else who can help them better
• “I think that . . . will be able to help you sort out your situation better than I can.”
Be clear what the policy is in your workplace about this.
8. Pass the person on to someone with more authority
• “I will ask my supervisor to speak to you about your concerns.”
• “I will consult the director about your concerns.”
Again, be clear about your workplace policy on this.
9. Let the person know who can make the change they are requesting
• “Some people disagree with the way our procedures work. The procedures are set by ... Let
me tell you how to contact them so you can let them know what you think. If enough people
contact them about it, perhaps there will be a change.”
• “The policy on this is… A change in policy will require…”
Again, know the policy in your workplace on this issue.
10. Identify with the client or staff person
If you honestly feel sympathy with the person, you may consider speaking directly about it, but
be aware of the risks.
• “If that had happened to me I would be frustrated, too.”
• “I agree – there are a lot of stupid rules you have to follow, aren't there?”
• “I understand what it’s like. I’ve been there too.”
Risks:
a) The person may expect you to bend the rules for them, to make an exception. If you later
have to disappoint them, they can feel particularly betrayed, because they believed you were on
their side.
b) The person may not believe you. They may feel you couldn’t possibly “understand what it’s
like” or that you couldn’t possibly agree with them about “a lot of stupid rules.” This might
alienate them even further.
15

Setting Boundaries
In many cases, active listening is sufficient to get a person to calm down (or stay calm) and co-
operate with you. However, when you’ve tried active listening and the person’s behaviour still
seriously interferes with your ability to do your work, or when you feel you are being harassed or
treated abusively, it is important to address the situation directly. This can be done through
setting choices and consequences or giving a directive statement.
Recommended steps:
Step 1: Prepare yourself and avoid escalating the situation
Stay calm and respectful
Step 2: Acknowledge person’s concerns and express willingness to help
Use active listening, staying brief and to the point
Step 3: Use Directive Statements
Identify appropriate behaviour, make requests, identify consequences,
and set limits
Step 4: Deal with the person’s concerns
Use active listening in a thorough way to find out more about the person’s
concerns
16

Step 1: Prepare yourself and avoid escalating the situation
• Avoid becoming defensive. (Don't say: “It’s not my fault that . . . ”)
• Avoid criticizing, blaming, insulting and judging. (Don’t say: “You're making this very
difficult for me”, “It’s your fault that . . . ”, “Stop being so rude”, “You're very insulting. I
can see you’ll never make very many friends in this world.”)
• Do not use promises. (Don’t say: “If you . . . , I’ll make sure that . . . ”)
• Do not threaten unrealistic consequences (that is, consequences that are too extreme
for the situation).
• Avoid retaliating for the hostile, hurtful comments the person may have made.
Step 2: Acknowledge the person’s concerns and express willingness to help
Acknowledge the concerns and feelings you have heard expressed so far
• “I can see you’re really frustrated by this situation….”
• “You’re really furious about what happened…”
• “You’ve been under a lot of pressure because of what’s happened and you were
really hoping to get this settled today …”
Express your intention to help
• “I want to do what I can to help you with that (or ‘to address your concerns’).”
Step 3: Use Directive Statements
Provide neutral description of problematic behaviour
• “You’re raising your voice.”
• “You’re leaning across my desk.”
• “You’re making comments about my background.”
Describe impact of their behaviour on you and on your ability to help
• “When you talk at this level, I find it hard to listen to what you’re saying.”
• “When you lean across my desk, I feel uncomfortable and it makes it hard for me to work
with you.”
• “When you interrupt me with these comments, I can’t explain the situation and move this
process along for you.”
Or state your needs
• “If we’re going to talk about this, you need to keep your voice down.”
• “For me to help you, you need to step back a little.”
• “If we’re going to work together, you need to let me speak before you add your ideas.”
Get agreement for them to change their behaviour
• “Would you be willing to keep your voice down? Okay…”
17

• “Could you move back so we could do that? Great…”
• “Could you do that? Thanks…”
Or provide calming down period
• “I’m not going to continue this conversation right now while you are using language that
disrespects me. Have a seat and I will talk to you again in 10 minutes.”
• “It’s not okay for you to talk to me like this. Our rules apply to everyone equally. When
you feel able to respect them, you are welcome to come back.”
Step 4: Deal with the Person’s Concerns
Follow a directive statement with a return to the person’s concerns. Use active listening
to reduce the chance of more disruptive behaviour.
• “Now, you mentioned . . . ; tell me what’s on your mind about that.”
• “You were telling me about . . . ; what happened after that?”
• “You were starting to tell me about . . ..”
• “Now at this point your choices are . . . and . . . . How would you like to handle it?”
Examples of Setting Boundaries
You’ve been under a lot of pressure because of what’s happened. And I’m going to do all I can
to help you with that situation (acknowledgement of concern, expression of willingness to help).
But if you keep making comments about my education, we’ll have to take a break from
discussing this until you calm down (directive statement). Now you mentioned … ; tell me what’s
on your mind about that (dealing with person’s concern).
You’re obviously furious about what happened (acknowledgement of concern), but could you
tone it down a bit (directive statement)? You were telling me about …. What happened after that
(dealing with person’s concern)?
You’re in difficult situation and I want to help you sort it out (acknowledgement of concern,
expression of willingness to help), but my background is not relevant here. You need to treat
me with more respect if you want me to help you. (directive statement). So let’s talk about what
you need in this situation. Tell me … (dealing with person’s concern).
You’re very frustrated by now, and I want to hear you (acknowledgement of concern,
expression of willingness to help). If you can back down off my desk, we can go over it step by
step (directive statement). You were starting to tell me about … (dealing with person’s concern).
You’re really worried about something that was delayed and you really want some action.
(acknowledgement of concern). But I can’t help you unless you use words that are more polite
18

(directive statement). Obviously you called for a reason and I’m going to do whatever I can to
assist you (expression of willingness to help). Tell me … (dealing with person’s concern).
19

Directive Statements Exercise
1. Personal Space: You are meeting with an employment program applicant in
your office. You inform him that there is no space in the program right now.
He gets up and leans on your desk about a foot away from your face and
says: ”I really need to get into this program RIGHT AWAY!!”
You say:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
2. Swearing/Name-Calling: You’ve been helping a client fill an application form.
It has taken a long time because the form is complex and you have had to
look up some extra information. And she says: “This f___ing organization is
useless. I can’t believe how f___ing incompetent this place is! You’re just
idiots, all of you!”
You say:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
3. Prejudice: A client who is upset with you, says in exasperation: “You people
are all alike!”
You say:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
20

4. Yelling: A client has arrived late to your agency’s food bank. You tell her that
there is no more food left, but that you will try to find another food bank that is
still open. She yells, “This is STUPID! Why can’t you just GIVE ME SOME
FOOD? Just GIVE ME SOME FOOD!”
You say:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
5. Badgering: A client calls you ten times over a four-day period. You’d already
told him earlier that you were very busy this week, and would get back to him
the following week.
You say:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
21

Reducing or Avoiding Hostility When Giving Information
1. Use active listening to defuse hostility and calm the person in preparation for
giving them information.
A person who is calm can listen better. When a person feels that you are taking them
seriously, they are more willing to pay attention to what you say.
2. When a rule/law/regulation/policy is involved, let the person know about it.
This can help make it clear that you are not the source of the person’s disappointment or
difficulty, the rule is. Then they are less likely to be angry at you personally, especially if
you continue to acknowledge their concerns and express your regret or your wish that
you could have helped. Examples:
The rule that applies in this situation is . . . . That means that only
people who . . . . I'm sorry that you won't be able to . . . . At this point
you could either . . . or . . . . .
The policy is . . . . That means that you need to . . . . I wish that we could
have helped you with that. Perhaps you would like to consider. . . .
The rule is . . . . I know this puts you in a difficult situation, but
unfortunately that's the rule. I wish we could have done more. But what
we can do is . . . .
3. Explain the reason for the rule/law/regulation/policy.
Don't assume that the person understands what the rule is about or why it is there. Many
rules seem arbitrary or senseless when the reason is not clear. Understanding the
purpose for a rule may help reduce resentment.
4. Speak in positive terms when possible.
People will tend to get angry less if you can speak to them in positive terms more often.
Consider rephrasing your sentences to use positive words. Examples:
Use positive phrases Avoid negative phrases
Angry person: Can I do X?
You: Yes, after Y happens.
Angry person: Can I do X?
You: No, not until Y happens.
You: It works best when . . . You: That's not a good idea.
22

5. Only offer to do what you can really follow through on.
Think carefully about what you offer to avoid raising hopes that may be disappointed.
Consider being cautious in your offers. Examples:
More cautious offer Less cautious offer
I'll check and see if there's anything
else that would help you here.
There's a good chance that . . . . I'll let
you know.
6. At the end, summarize what you and the person have discussed together.
This can allow you to reduce and avoid hostility by:
a) acknowledging the person’s concerns,
b) reminding the person of what you have done to assist them,
c) reminding the person what you are planning to do, if anything,
d) reminding the person what they must now do, if anything.
7. Keep things simple.
a) Speak clearly and slowly. Pauses can give the person time to understand what
you have said.
b) Use simple words.
c) Be redundant. Say the same idea twice using different words or a different
approach.
Use your judgment. If you overdo this approach it can sound patronizing.
8. If you need to raise a concern about the person’s behaviour, avoid using
language that is blaming or judgmental.
 Start with something positive, e.g. something you appreciate about them, or an
acknowledgment of the constraints they face.
 When you raise your concern, focusing on the effect of their behaviour rather than
criticizing or blaming them.
For example, instead of saying: “Amina, I’m tired of you being late for ESL class all the
time. It’s very inconsiderate,” try saying: “Amina, I know you’re very busy and have a
lot to do. When you’re late for class, though, it makes it difficult for me to cover all the
material properly. Could you please try to be on time from now on?”
23

Personal Action Plan
A key skill or concept I learned is:
As a result of this training, I will...
Keep doing:
Stop doing:
Start doing:
24

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D8 e8 managing conflict with angry clients - participants' manual