In the spirit of Ubuntu and the pursuit of firmer thighs for all, the M&G Online has seen fit – in light of outrageous racist incidents in Johannesburg gyms – to share a few ground-breaking exercise tips to align your chakras, defeat discrimination and abolish muffin tops forever.

1. Madiba Shuffle
This workout is designed to maximise good karma and will almost certainly result in a
long and healthy life.
Step 1: Start with both feet in a reconciliatory stance. i.e.
together. Bend your arms at your side and clench your sts
as if you are boxing – or skiing.
Step 2: Slowly move your left foot sideways away from
your body. Stay impartial, stay balanced. Be sure not to
move too far or you may run the risk of being called
“leftist”.
Step 3: Ok, now patiently convince the right foot to join
your left foot. Be strong. Do not give in to temptation and
lose your credibility.
Step 4: Repeat Step 2. You should now have an
overwhelming sense of righteousness and calm. That’s that
karma vibe.
Step 5: Now stay focused. This next move is fraught with
danger. Move your right foot sideways. Aligning yourself
with the right is always tricky, but the rewards are endless,
particularly if you…(see Step 6)
Step 6: Convince your left foot to reconcile with the right
foot.
Step 7: Now move your sts back and forth while keeping
them at your side.
Warning: This routine may take 27 years to perfect.

2. Msholozi Machine Gun Lunge
The ultimate stress reliever, this exercise will ease the tension caused by succession
battles in the workplace, multiple spouses at home and incompetence on the part of
your employees.
Step 1: Choose your imaginary weapon. An AK-47 will do.
Step 2: Raise your arms above your waistline, shoulder width apart.
Step 3: Lunge forward, bend
your knees slightly as you point
your weapon in the direction of
Limpopo. This is very important.
Step 4: Relax your arms at your
side.
Step 5: Repeat Steps 2, 3 and 4.
Step 6: Now try singing uMshini
wami or I Fink U Freeky as you
repeat the above steps.

3. Juju’s Crouching Comrade Hidden Tender
Feeling a little under the whip? A little ostracised? Then try this – it will lift your spirits
and bring redemption from all quarters, instilling calm among members of the
opposite race. But don’t be tjatjarag – you might hurt yourself.
Step 1: Bend your Step 2: Spring up Step 3: Repeat Step 4: Spring into
knees as if you are into the air with Step 1 and the air with your
ducking a Hawks your hands raised whisper hands raised and
investigation, until and yell “Shabaaangu..” scream “Economic
your behind “Nationalisation!” freedom!”
touches your
Achilles heel.
Step 5: Repeat Step 6: Spring into Step 7: Repeat
Step 1 and the air and shout Step 1 and
whisper "Mbeki!" whisper
“Limpoooopo…" "Mangauuuung…".

4. Khulubuse Gut Buster
Few people appreciate the impact being a tenderpreneur has on your body mass
index (BMI). It’s hard work getting to the trough rst and one must remain nimble
when Uncle gives you the heads up on a lucrative business opportunity. This dynamic
workout will keep you ahead of the pack, your mind sharp and – most importantly –
keep you slimmer than a starving mineworker.
Step 1: Lie at on your back like you are sunning yourself on a tropical island.
Step 2: Stretch out your arms to the heavens as if you were reaching for manna
Step 3: Squeeze in your stomach as though you were trying to t an elephant behind
the wheel of a Mercedes SLS AMG.
Step 4: Now slowly lift your torso o the ground. Be careful at this point. Excessive
strain may lead to unfair scrutiny, a urry of court orders and bouts of binge eating
later on.
Step 5: Gently return yourself to the sunbathing position. Remember to breathe a sigh
of relief.
Step 6: Return to the sunbathing position and bask in the glow of your achievements.

5. King Kenny Sushi-board abs
Only available to VIP club members. Should you wish to participate in this workout
please send R5 000 in a sealed envelope to the o ces of ZAR nightclub. They’ll call you.
No chancers.
VIP ACCESS ONLY

6. Virgin Active SA Wobble & Spin
We should all do our bit to ght the scourge of racism, and the Virgin Active Wobble &
Spin workout is a shining example of how it’s done.
Step 1: Assume the position of innocent party, where everyone is to blame but you.
(Also known as The Cyclist)
Step 2: Keep your head down and pretend nothing and no one else exists but you
and the exercise bike. Hint: Wear earphones.
Step 3: Back peddle furiously at the rst sign of strain.
Step 4: Blame the machine.
Step 5: Continue spinning ad nauseam until someone takes notice.
Warning: DO NOT scream “Yebo!”

7. Zille Roundhouse Kick
The jury is out on whether this technique is e ective at all, but what other choice do you
have? For best results ensure that your followers on Twitter are informed of your stance
against racism and the lengths to which you are willing to go to prove it.
Step 1: Stand with your feet shoulder width apart, knees slightly bent, hands at your
side, poised for action.
Step 2: Survey your surroundings for the slightest hint of racist accusations.
Step 3: Spring into the air, right leg outstretched, and swiftly
sweep it in a clockwise direction, as though you were trying to
kick a professional black out of Cape Town.
Step 4: Repeat Step 1, 2 and 3 – but
this time with your leftist leg.
Hint: Upon completion you stand a chance of winning R50 000.

8. Mac (Maharaj) Bob and Weave
There’s nothing like a struggle icon to inspire the ght against discrimination and unfair
practice. We should take inspiration only from the best.
Step 1: Bend your knees while keeping your
back upright, as though you were dodging a
probe by amaBhungane.
Step 2: Stand up straight and assume the
defensive position.
Step 3: Sway your head and torso to the left
like you were at a press conference and
didn’t want your picture taken.
Step 4: Sway your head and torso to the
right. Now you want your picture taken.
Step 5: Stand up straight. Push your head
back, close your eyes and think of those
balmy nights in the Cayman Islands. Breathe.

9. Lindiwe Parly Pull Downs
Only for the bravest of hearts. This routine is sure to bring joy to gym-goers who face
racist remarks on a daily basis.
Step 1: Sit steadily under the heavy
weights for maximum e ect,
aspirational thoughts swimming in
your head.
Step 2: Breathe deeply as you stretch
out your hands above your head.
Step 3: In one swift movement pull
down towards your chest. Use your
buttocks as leverage against the
heavier weights.
Remember: This exercise is no token gesture. Believe in it.

10. Tenderpreneur Soul Destroyer
When all else fails, it’s time for extreme measures. The Soul Destroyer is designed to
soften the most hardcore racists.
Health warning: This may lead to severe bouts of media scrutiny and coughing up.
Step 1: Lie at on your stomach, arms and legs stretched out, with your face down.
(Also known as the “you’re under arrest” position)
Step 2: Bend your head back towards your buttocks.
Step 3: Bend your legs to meet your head. This may give you the appearance of being
spineless.
Step 4: Now try to lift your upper torso o the ground and rock back and forth. Push
through the excruciating pain that is now shooting through your entire body.
Remember, no pain, no ill-gotten gain.
Step 5: Repeat Step 1. Game over.
Text by: Adrian Ephraim | Illustrations by: Kenny Leung