RELATIONSHIPS & ATTRACTION (Psych 201 - Chapter 10 - Spring 2014)

This Week’s Playlist
Artist Song / Psych Concept
1. Justin Bieber ft. Ludacris
All Around The World
(Universal Need To Belong)
2. Phillip Phillips
Home
(Secure Attachment/Secure Base)
3. Nelly Furtado
I’m Like A Bird
(Avoidant Attachment)
4. P!nk
Please Don’t Leave Me
(Anxious Attachment)
5. Calvin Harris
Feel So Close
(Propinquity)
6. Good Charlotte
Girls & Boys
(Gender Differences In Mate Preferences)
7. Bruno Mars
Just The Way You Are
(Idealization)

Chapter 10 
 
 
 
Attraction & Relationships
Melanie B. Tannenbaum, M.A.
Psychology 201
Spring 2014

Important Points
Characterizing Relationships
Why are relationships important?
How do people form relationships with each other?
Attraction
What causes us to be attracted to other people?
What are the sex differences in attraction?
Romantic Relationships
What is love?
What determines if we’re romantically happy?
How do we create satisfying relationships/marriages?

Harlow’s Monkeys
Infant rhesus monkeys put in a cage with two different “mothers”
The “cloth mother” looked like a monkey, but couldn’t give milk
The “wire mother” didn’t look like a monkey, but it could give milk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_O60TYAIgC4

Harlow’s Monkeys
The monkeys clung to the cloth mother and went to it for comfort when
they felt threatened.
They only approached the wire mother when hungry, and sometimes
starved before leaving the cloth mother.
Infant monkeys preferred warmth and comfort over food!

Need to Belong
This hints at an important core need...the need to belong.
Relationships help people survive
Parent-child attachments help keep babies safe
Friendships help non-family members cooperate and thrive
We need other people to help us survive!

Need to Belong
The need to belong is universal. What does that mean?
!
Cultures around the world show certain behaviors, like...
Caregiving between mother and child
Wrestling between siblings
Flirtation among young people who are looking for love
Affection between romantic partners
Dominance displays between adolescent males
!
Supports the idea of an evolutionary basis for the need to belong.

Relationships Are Important!
Mortality rates higher among divorced, unmarried, & widowed
!
Suicide/crime rates are higher for single and divorced people
!
Social support strengthens cardiovascular, immune, and endocrine systems
!
Harlow’s monkeys who were raised in isolation were highly fearful, unable to
interact with peers, and inappropriately sexual as adolescents
!
Relationships also shape our sense of who we are!
Remember the relational self from Chapter 3

Attachment Theory
Which description best fits your relationships?
A. I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable
depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t often worry
about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.
C. I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others. I find it difficult to
trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am
nervous when anyone gets too close, and romantic partners often want me
to be more intimate than I’m comfortable with.
B. I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry
that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t want to stay with me. I want
to merge with my partner, and this desire sometimes scares people away.

Attachment Theory
John Bowlby
!
Human infants are born with few survival skills; children rely on parents for
security, which allows them to explore the environment and learn
!
Attachment Theory: Theory about how our early attachments with our
parents shape our relationships for the rest of our lives
!
Infants must develop a relationship with at least one caregiver for social/
emotional development to occur normally; this provides a schema that is
automatically applied to later relationships

Developmental Trajectory
1. Proximity Seeking (2 – 6 months)
2. Safe Haven (8 – 10 months)
3. Secure Base (1 year)

Developmental Trajectory
1. Proximity Seeking (2 – 6 months)
2. Safe Haven (8 – 10 months)
3. Secure Base (1 year)
The developmental order is similar in adult relationships!

Working Models
Working Model: Schema for how others tend to treat you in relationships
!
!
Expectations about partner’s availability, warmth, and security.
!
!
Over time, these become solidified and exert an automatic influence on
behavior (you expect people to react in fairly stable, predictable ways).

Attachment Theory: Infants
Mary Ainsworth
Strange Situation Paradigm
Simple test to assess infant attachment to caregiver
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTsewNrHUHU
!
Infant and Caregiver enter an unfamiliar room with toys
Stranger walks in, Caregiver leaves
Caregiver returns after 3 minutes
How did the infant respond after the caregiver returned?

Three Attachment Styles
!
1. Secure Attachment (62%)
!
2. Anxious/Ambivalent Attachment (15%)
!
3. Avoidant Attachment (23%)

Secure Attachment
Generally trusting
!
Infant: Actively explores the room
when Mom is around, upset when
Mom leaves, and happy when Mom
returns.
!
Caregiver: Responds quickly and
reliably to cries, responsive to child’s
individual needs.

Anxious/Ambivalent Attachment
Generally fearful, angry, distraught
!
Infant: Clings to Mom when she is
around, upset when Mom leaves,
angry or still upset when Mom returns.
!
Caregiver: Tends to be unpredictable;
sometimes intrudes on the child’s
activities, sometimes rejects or ignores
the child. Guided by whatever she
wants to do.

Avoidant Attachment
Generally aloof, dismissive.
!
Infant: Ignores Mom when she is
around, doesn’t care when she
leaves, continues to ignore her when
she returns.
!
Caregiver: Ignores child, doesn’t pay
attention to infant’s wants or needs.

Adult Attachment
Infant styles provide working models for our relationships as adults.
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
Secure Attachment
Comfortable with intimacy
Want to be close to others during threat/uncertainty

Adult Attachment
!
Secure Attachment
Constantly expresses worries/concerns about relationships
Excessively seeks closeness during threat/uncertainty
!

Adult Attachment
!
Secure Attachment
!
Avoidant Attachment
Prefers distance; shows compulsive self-reliance
Uncomfortable with intimacy
Dismissive and detached during threat/uncertainty

Adult Attachment
!
Secure Attachment
Avoidant Attachment
Prefers distance; shows compulsive self-reliance
Uncomfortable with intimacy
Dismissive and detached during threat/uncertainty

Test Your Knowledge
What’s This Attachment Style?
I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important
to me to feel independent and self-sufficient. I prefer not to depend on
others or have others depend on me. Romantic partners often want me to
be more intimate than I am comfortable with.
!
A) Secure Attachment
B) Anxious/Ambivalent Attachment
C) Avoidant Attachment

Test Your Knowledge
I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable
depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t often worry
about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.
!

Test Your Knowledge
I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry
that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t want to stay with me. I
want to merge with my partner, and this sometimes scares people away.
!

Attachment Styles
Find out what your attachment style is:
http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl
!
Adult attachment style is relatively stable
!
Important schema are typically very difficult to change
Require a lot of counter-evidence
Must update automatic and deliberate aspects of schema
Must overcome self-fulfilling prophecies

Attachment Styles
However...this doesn’t mean that all relationships are the same.
!
Baldwin et al. (1996)
Participants listed 10 important relationships
Indicated their attachment style in each one
Over 50% of participants had experienced all 3 major attachment
styles at some point or another
!
Everyone can be secure/anxious/avoidant, especially if you end
up dating someone who “brings out” the best (or worst) in you

Securely Attached People...
Are more likely to be married
Have fewer marital problems
!
Over four years...
Only 26% of secure participants broke up with their partners
44% of anxious participants went through a break-up
52% of avoidant participants went through a break-up
!
Generally, secure is good. Try to aim for secure relationships!

One Important Caveat!!
During this section, we’ve spoken a lot about the importance of
having loving, attentive caregivers.
This is not meant to say ANYTHING at all about the relative merits
of being a stay-at-home or working mother.
Huge, important, famous NICHD study on early childcare:
Absolutely no difference in all important outcomes between kids raised
by stay-at-home or working mothers.
The only important thing is that when parents are home, they have
high-quality, caring interactions with their children.
The infants in these examples that are “deprived of maternal
affection” are typically orphans who receive no love/care.

Important Points
Need To Belong
Attachment Styles
Attraction
What causes us to be attracted to other people?
What are the sex differences in attraction?
What is love?

Where did you meet your  
best friend at UIUC?
A) In a dorm or shared living space (Greek house, etc.)
B) In a class
C) Through friends or friends-of-friends
D) Through a club/team that you attend frequently
E) None of the above

Attraction: Three Variables
Propinquity
!
Similarity
!
Physical Attractiveness

Propinquity
In other words: Physical Proximity
You become friends with people who are physically close to you
Dorm, Classes, Social Circles...
You stay friends with people you can continue to easily see
High school friends who go to the same college
College friends who move to the same town/city
Friends who are very active on social media sites

Propinquity
Leon Festinger: Westgate West Study
!
!
In a study at MIT in the 1940s, researchers asked a bunch of students who
lived in student housing (at Westgate West) to list their closest friends
!
!
Of the people that each respondent listed as friends, 2/3 of them were
people who lived in the same building!

Propinquity
41% of people living in adjacent rooms listed each other as friends...
Only 10% of those who lived on opposite ends of a hallway did!

Propinquity
Police Academy Study
!
Officers in training were
assigned alphabetically to
dorms and classroom seats
People with “A” names always
close to other “A” names, etc.
!
Officers with similar names were
better friends than those with
different names!

Propinquity
What about diversity?
!
The largest effects of proximity on friendship are actually between
people of different races, ages, and social classes!
!
People tend to be willing to look further for similar friends
!
As a result, “diverse” friendships tend to happen when people of
different races/ages/classes are physically close & easy to run into

Propinquity
Why does propinquity lead to friendship?
1. Makes it more likely that you’ll run into each other
Functional distance is more important than physical distance
People who lived by the stairwell were more likely to be friends with
people on other floors, even though they were technically further away
!
2. People tend to give the benefit of the doubt to people they
expect to interact with often.
Favorable expectations lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy
!
3. Mere Exposure (Zajonc, 1968)
The more you’re exposed to something, the more you like it

Propinquity
Mere Exposure Study (Zajonc, 1968)
!
Showed participants a list of Turkish words
Some words shown 0, 1, 2, 5, 10, or 25 times
The more times a word had been presented, the more the
participants liked it and thought it referred to something good.
This has been replicated with all sorts of things!
Likely due to fluency.

Propinquity
Proximity is the biggest predictor of whether people will become (and
remain) friends or romantic partners
If you never meet, how can you become friends?
If you rarely interact, how can you stay friends?
!
This is a great example of a channel factor!
We want to think we intentionally seek out good friends and partners.
In reality, we choose the best match in the (very) local environment.

Propinquity
!
BUT...the story’s not so simple!
!
Propinquity breeds friends AND enemies
It increases the chance you will have an interaction
If you don’t like someone, propinquity will strengthen it

Test Your Knowledge
You are in Psych 201 with John, and the two of you become good
friends over the semester. Which of the following potential reasons for
your friendship is NOT based on propinquity?
A. After seeing him every Tuesday and Thursday, his face becomes
more and more familiar.
B. You have a shared interest in psychology, so you bond over having
this in common.
C. You know you will see him twice a week, so you want to like him
(and for him to like you) so your interactions will go smoothly.
D. Of all of the seats in the classroom, you tend to sit in the two right
next to each other, so you often end up chatting before class and
during group activities.

Similarity
!
Which do you believe more?
A. Birds of a feather flock together
B. Opposites attract

Similarity
!
Engaged couples tend to be very similar...
!
especially when it comes to
!
demographic variables
(like social class)
physical characteristics
(like attractiveness)
and important personality traits
(like extraversion or openness)

Similarity
!
Married couples tend to be more similar than chance on core
personality characteristics (like extraversion or agreeableness).
!
!
Interracial couples tend to be more similar in personality than same-
race couples, perhaps compensating for dissimilarity on one
dimension by seeking out greater similarity on others

Similarity
The belief that “opposites attract” is not supported by research
If two people have complementary personality traits, they might
work well together (like a dependent person with a nurturer)
However, they still need similarity in other areas to be compatible,
like personality traits, interests/hobbies, or backgrounds.

Similarity: Why?
1. Similar others validate our beliefs
!
When we learn that others believe the same things that we do,
we feel validated
!
We like people who agree with our
beliefs and dislike people who disagree
!
Sort of like selective evaluation
!
!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7t0PHKc_tX0&noredirect=1

Similarity: Why?
2. Similarity Facilitates Smooth Interactions
If 2 people share common beliefs, it’s easier for them to work together
because they can take the basics for granted
!
Davis (1981)
Participants rated a number of attitudes on (a) overall importance and
(b) importance for day-to-day interactions
Participants rated how much they liked other people who agreed vs.
disagreed with them on these attitudes
!
Attitudes that are relevant for day-to-day life are more important for how
much you will like someone than “important” attitudes that don’t play
as much of a role in your daily conversations & interactions.

Similarity: Why?
3. We Expect Similar Others To Like Us
!
Similar others view the world the same way we do
!
We like us! They must also like us! We should like them back!

Similarity: Why?
4. Similar Others Have Qualities We Like
!
We tend to think our values and qualities are the “right ones”
Think about the self-image bias
!
Similar others probably share these same qualities
If they have good qualities, why not like them?

Similarity
Not only does similarity promote interaction, but interaction
promotes similarity!
Zajonc et al. (1987) – “Marriage and Similarity”
Couples who were married 25+ years brought in current photos and
photos from their 1st year of marriage
Cropped the photos; asked unbiased people to rate how similar they
looked at Time 1 and Time 2
After 25 years of marriage, couples looked more alike than they did
as newlyweds!

Why??
!
1. Emotional Mimicry
“If you keep making that face, it’ll get stuck that way”
!
2. Shared Experiences
Interpersonal & Environmental

Test Your Knowledge
Your friend Jason is shy, introverted, and likes spending quiet nights
in reading a good book. You want to set Jason up on a date.
Which friend should you set him up with?
!
A. Alex, your friend who is crazy, extraverted, and loves to party, to
help Jason expand his horizons/break out of his shell and to
provide a good “complement” for his personality.
!
B. Taylor, your friend who is also shy, introverted, and loves reading,
so they will have a lot in common and share similar interests.

Physical Attractiveness 
 
Attractive People Are...
More likely to be asked on dates
!
Rated as more popular, likeable, and successful by peers
!
Assumed to be more skilled, smart, and wealthy
!
Paid $3,500 more per year on average for the same job
!
More likely to receive help if injured
!
Less likely to be convicted of crimes & given lighter sentences if convicted

Halo Effect
!
The common belief that attractive people
have a host of positive qualities that
extend beyond physical appearance
!
Usually an automatic inference process

!
The halo effect responds to cultural stereotypes
In individualist cultures, attractive people seen as more assertive
In collectivist cultures, attractive people seen as more empathic
!
!
Interestingly, power & status show the same differences!
In individualist cultures, powerful people are thought to be assertive
In collectivist cultures, powerful people are thought to be generous

The halo effect might be due to self-fulfilling prophecies
Snyder et al. (1977)
Male and female participants played a “get to know you” game
Spoke over the phone; conversation was recorded
Men given a profile with a picture of the woman they were talking to
Picture was fake. ½ got an “attractive picture,” ½ got “unattractive.”
Later, RAs listened to the recording of the woman ONLY
Women were rated as warmer and more socially skilled if they had talked to
a man who thought they were attractive.
Why?
If men thought she was attractive, they spoke to her in a way that elicited
those positive qualities (were nicer, more interested, etc.)

Effects start early!
!
Attractive infants get more attention from mothers, even before leaving hospital
!
Children as young as 3 months prefer looking at attractive faces
Children are more comfortable with attractive strangers

Physical Attractiveness: Why?
1. Immediacy
!
As soon as you see someone, you know if they’re hot
!
It takes a while to find out if they’re funny, smart, kind, etc.
!
Primacy Effects – Initial information colors later judgments

2. Prestige
!
Attractive people and their partners assumed to be higher in social status
!
Men seen with attractive women rated higher on intelligence & success

3. Biology
!
Physical unattractiveness can signal poor health
!
!
Facial symmetry is an indicator of health, also attractiveness
Symmetry = No disease or genetic problems
!
!
Asymmetry usually results from problems in utero (e.g. diseases, malnutrition)
!
Symmetrical adults have fewer infections than asymmetrical peers

Which Is Most Attractive?
!
A B C

!
A B C
Which Is Most Attractive?

www.symmeter.com
!
Symmetry of physical traits is
hypothesized to reflect an
individual’s overall quality of
development
!
A symmetrical face may be
a good indicator of genetic
fitness
!
http://dsc.discovery.com/tv-
shows/other-shows/videos/
science-of-sex-appeal-the-
beauty-of-symmetry.htm

!
!
A B C
Who Is Most Attractive?

“Average” faces are rated as more attractive
Composite faces are rated as more attractive than the individual
faces that went into the composite
If you “average” several faces together, common features
remain; unique/unusual (deviant) features get hidden
http://www.faceresearch.org/demos/average
+ =

Caveats
Although there is some consensus about what is attractive, there
is also variability!
Do you have a “type”?
Do all of your friends have this “type” too?
Probably not!
We like those who are physically attractive...BUT we also think that
the people we like are more attractive!
“Eye-of-the-beholder”
Effort Justification
Mere Exposure

Test Your Knowledge
Which of the following physical features does NOT signal health
and reproductive fitness?
!
A. Face “averageness”
B. Bilateral facial symmetry
C. Unique facial features

Test Your Knowledge
Cassie wants Blake – her new boss – to like her. To this end, Cassie
should try all of the following EXCEPT:
!
A. Making herself more physically attractive.
B. Disagreeing with Blake to show that she can think for herself.
C. Working in an office that is physically closer to Blake’s.
D. Voicing similar opinions to Blake’s during casual conversations.

Sex Differences
!
Do men and women differ in what
they find attractive?
!
Short Answer: Yes
!
Long Answer: Ehh, Not So Much

Evolutionary Argument
Parental Investment
The amount of resources that go into having a child
Sperm are cheap; pregnancy is not
!
Because women must invest more in a given child:
They should be choosier
They should select mates based on ability to provide resources (e.g.
wealth, skills, status) to offspring
Because men have a lower investment:
They can be less choosy
They should select mates based on ability to biologically produce
good offspring (e.g. youth, attractiveness)

However...
I cannot stress enough the importance of always thinking about
whether or not there are any confounding variables!!
These differences can also be (better) explained by culture
!
Women in most cultures tend to have less power, fewer resources
In cultures with greater gender equality, women place less importance
on status/resources, more importance on physical attractiveness
Women with the same level of power/status as men are just as likely to
be promiscuous, have affairs, etc.
It’s not about gender/sex as much as it’s about status/resources. It’s just
that in most cultures, women have fewer resources.

Test Your Knowledge
Jenny is filling out an online dating profile. Based on evolutionary
theories of attraction, what should she definitely include to
increase her odds of being asked out?
!
A. Information about how much money she makes.
B. The most flattering picture that she has of herself.
C. Her birthday (if she’s 22 and the average age is 28).
D. Her birthday (if she’s 28 and the average age is 22).
E. Two or more of the above.

Important Points
Need To Belong
Attachment Styles
Attraction
Propinquity, Similarity, Physical Attractiveness
Women like resources, Men like biology (but confounded by culture)
What is love?

Triangular Theory of Love
Three Components:
Intimacy: Attachment, closeness, trust, connectedness
Passion: Sexual attraction, desire, chemistry
Commitment: Loyalty, shared plans and achievements
!
These three components can be combined in different ways
!
Different combinations = Different types of love

Intimacy Passion Commitment Example
Non-Love Most Personal Relationships
Liking x Best Friendship
Infatuation x Crush, Friend-With-Benefits
Empty Love x Loveless Marriage
Romantic Love x x Pre-Marriage Relationship
Companionate Love x x Long-Term Marriage
Fatuous Love x x Romeo & Juliet
Consummate Love x x x Western Civilization Ideal

Time
Level
Passion
Intimacy
Commitment
Romantic
Love
Companionate
Love
Consummate
Love

Test Your Knowledge
Madison and James are college seniors, and they’ve been
together for the past three years. However, they’re still trying to
figure out what they’re going to do after college; Madison has
applied to med schools all over the country, while James is
planning to stay in Illinois.
How would you describe their relationship?
A. Romantic Love (Intimacy + Passion)
B. Companionate Love (Intimacy + Commitment)
C. Fatuous Love (Passion + Commitment)
D. Consummate Love (Intimacy + Passion + Commitment)

Relationship Satisfaction
Investment Model (Rusbult)
Three factors influence partners’ commitment
1. Rewards-to-costs ratio
2. Quality of alternatives
3. Investments

You will be happy if...
You get out as much as (or slightly more than) you put in
You do not have high-quality alternatives
You’ve been together a while; you’ve invested a lot

These three factors influence commitment
Commitment determines prosocial behaviors
Sacrificing for the partner, being forgiving, etc.
Prosocial behaviors lead to trust, satisfaction, and well-being

1. Rewards-To-Cost Ratio
!
Happy relationships have a reward-to-cost ratio of 5:1 or higher
!
This means that you must have at least 5 positive experiences for
every 1 negative experience

2. Quality of Alternatives
Fewer Quality Alternatives = Stronger Commitment

3. Investments
Putting more into the relationship leads to stronger commitment
Sunk Costs
Effort Justification

Test Your Knowledge
Bruce suspects that Kris wants to break up with him, so he decides to use
Rusbult’s investment model to his advantage in order to manipulate her
into staying with him (bad, Bruce!)
!
If Bruce tells Kris that she will never find another partner as good as him
and that no one else will want to date her, he is focusing on the _____
component of Rusbult’s model.
!
A. Investment C. Rewards
B. Alternatives D. Passion

Test Your Knowledge
Bruce suspects that Kris wants to break up with him, so he decides to use
Rusbult’s investment model to his advantage in order to manipulate her
into staying with him (bad, Bruce!)
!
If Bruce reminds Kris about their children together, the house that they
both own, and how difficult it would be to split up all of their property, he
is focusing on the _______ component.
!
A. Investment C. Rewards
B. Alternatives D. Passion

Four Horsemen  
of the Apocalypse
Four behaviors that can be used to predict divorce...
...with 93% ACCURACY!
1. Contempt
Expressing disdain or scorn
2. Criticism
Expressing negative evaluations, being overly critical
3. Defensiveness
Trying to “play the victim” and not accepting responsibility for your part
4. Stonewalling
Withdrawing from the conflict; ignoring and/or avoiding the issue

Four Horsemen
Gottman & Levenson (2000)
Presence of negative affect predicts early divorce
Absence of positive affect predicts later divorce
!
What does this mean?
!
If a lot of the time that you spend with your partner is filled with anger,
anxiety, or conflict, you’re more likely to get divorced early on
!
If you don’t have a lot of negative stuff but you also don’t have a lot of
positive moments, you may make it for a while, but it won’t last forever.

Oh, Kim and Kris... 
You should have seen it coming!
Contempt
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g261zQJnXEU
!
Criticism
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpo5e7jHGqI
!
Stonewalling
http://youtu.be/rFBH2y4Sbvk?t=1m49s
!
Defensiveness
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grBumqkW9JA

Four Horsemen
Note: If you do any of these behaviors, do not despair!
This is not a “death sentence” for your romantic future
!
This just lets you know what you can pay attention to if you want
to ensure happier, stronger romantic bonds
!
This is optimistic! No one is doomed; there are constructive ways
that we can all improve. And now you know how!! ☺

Test Your Knowledge
Which of the following is NOT one of the four behaviors that are
really bad for relationships?
!
A. Stonewalling
B. Fighting
C. Contempt
D. Defensiveness
E. Criticism

Creating Strong Romantic Bonds
1. Capitalize On The Good
Communicating positive events with a partner increases well-being
above and beyond experiencing the event itself
!
Partners can respond in four ways:
Active Constructive: Reacts with enthusiasm, asks follow-up questions
Passive Constructive: Reacts positively, quickly moves on
Active Destructive: Finds something to criticize
Passive Destructive: Isn’t interested, doesn’t comment, moves on
!
Which of the above do you think is the best for relationships?

!
!
Which of the above do you think is the worst for relationships?

!
!
Best Outcomes: Active Constructive
Worst Outcomes: Active Destructive

Communicating positive events with a partner increases well-being above
and beyond experiencing the event itself
!
!
Grey’s Anatomy Clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=u9eHVqXOkPY&feature=youtu.be&t=2m10s
Is Derek’s response (A) Constructive or (B) Destructive?

2. Be Playful
The early part of a relationship is very lively!
!
Avoid getting into a rut
Actively seek out new activities to do together
Vacations, sports, clubs, trying new restaurants...
These activities keep the passion level high!
!
Use humor, often
Happy couples have fun nicknames, joke around, etc.

3. Care And Forgive
Causal attributions matter!
!
Unhappy Couples
Internal, Stable, Global for negative events
External, Unstable, Specific for positive events
Happy Couples
External, Unstable, Specific for negative events
Internal, Stable, Global for positive events
!
Cultivate a compassionate and generous view of your partner.

4. Idealize Your Partner
What is idealization?
Overestimating positive traits (compared to how your partner sees self)
Underestimating negative traits
Remember how people use self-serving biases to see themselves in a better
light? Apply these to your partner, too!
Idealization increases satisfaction for the person who is idealized and the
person doing the idealizing!
!
James Carville & Mary Matalin Video ☺
http://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=5l7z0UMi6-4&feature=related&noredirect=1

Important Points
Need To Belong
Attachment Styles
Attraction
Propinquity, Similarity, Physical Attractiveness
Women like resources, Men like biology (but confounded by culture)
Triangular Theory
Investment Model; Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Capitalize on the good, be playful, care/forgive, and idealize!

Top Ten Things To Know
Attachment Styles
If given a description, be able to
identify what “style” it is!
!
!
!
Rusbult’s Investment Model
!
What do we find attractive?
Composite/Average Faces
Symmetry
Evolutionary Theories
Gottman’s Research
Ideal Positive-to-Negative Ratio
Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
!
What does it mean that the “need to
belong” is universal?
!
Mere Exposure & Propinquity
!
We Like Similar Others
!
Self-Fulfilling Prophecies & Attractiveness

RELATIONSHIPS & ATTRACTION (Psych 201 - Chapter 10 - Spring 2014)

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