90 Minute session delivered to 5-8 grade students. What is conflict? How can you address it in a healthy way? What is bullying, and how is it different than conflict? How can you stop bullying?

1. Conflict Happens
Rain City Rock Camp
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Seattle Girls’ School
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2. About Seattle Girls’ School
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3. Working Definition of Conflict
• A clash between two
individuals or groups
• A disagreement or
argument about
something important
• Others?
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4. How do Boys and Girls
Act in Conflict?
• Turn to a neighbor and
talk about how you know
when a boy is having a
conflict.
• Talk about how you know
when a girl is having a
conflict.
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5. Why the Difference?
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6. Gender Differences
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7. Brash
Troublemaker
Strong
Competitive
Physical
Silent
Clever
Mistake-Prone
Belligerent
Intuitive
Well-Behaved
Delicate
Cooperative
Emotional
Verbal
Pretty
Perfect
Nice
Gender Bias
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8. Friends and Frienemies
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9. Working Definition of Frenemies
• One who pretends to be a
friend but is actually an
enemy (Merriam Webster)
• A friend who often behaves
in ways that cut you down
or make you feel bad
• Others?
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10. What are the Differences?
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11. Why Keep Them Around?
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12. Sound Familiar?
• I don’t want to make it worse.
• Maybe I am doing something to
make them treat me this way.
• They’re my connection to other
friends.
• My other friends won’t support me.
• When they’re not being awful, they’re
actually awesome, fun, and nice.
• I don’t want to be alone.
• There’s nothing I can do about it.
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13. Why Women Say They’d Rather
Stay in an Abusive Relationship
• I don’t want to make it worse.
• Maybe I am doing something to make
him treat me this way.
• He’s my source of income, home, and
support for our kids.
• My family and friends tell me I should
stay and work it out.
• When he’s not being awful, he’s kind,
nurturing, and wonderful.
• I don’t want to be alone.
• There’s nothing I can do about it.
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14. Are We Training Ourselves?
• I don’t want to make it worse.
• Maybe I am doing something to
make him treat me this way.
• He’s my source of income, home,
and support for our kids.
• My family and friends tell me I
should stay and work it out.
• When he’s not being awful, he’s
kind, nurturing, and wonderful.
• I don’t want to be alone.
• There’s nothing I can do about it.
• I don’t want to make it worse.
• Maybe I am doing something
to make them treat me this
way.
• They’re my connection to
other friends.
• My other friends won’t support
me.
• When they’re not being awful,
they’re actually awesome, fun,
and nice.
• I don’t want to be alone.
• There’s nothing I can do about
it.
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15. How are “Good Girls”
supposed to act in a
conflict?
Remember
Girls and
Conflict
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16. Alternative Aggression
• Relational Aggression
• Indirect Aggression
• Social Aggression
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17. Relational Aggression is when your
words/actions hurt relationships (or
threaten to hurt relationships) or make
someone feel not included or accepted.
Relational Aggression
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18. Indirect Aggression is when your
words/actions hurt someone through
rumors or other indirect ways hurt
and/or you say you didn’t mean it.
Indirect Aggression
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19. Social Aggression
Social Aggression is when your
words/actions make someone feel bad
about themselves or feel like they’re
less popular in a group.
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20. Alternative Aggression
Hurts Everyone
• Targets
• Agents
• Bystanders
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21. What CAN You Do?
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22. D.E.A.R.
Conflict Resolution
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23. AIMS Conflict
Problem Solving
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24. Words of Caution
• Pushing Behavior
• Outside Feelings
vs Inside Feelings
• Threatening with
Relationships
• False Intentions
• Fake Apologies
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25. Practice Makes
Less-Heart-Attack-Inducing!
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26. When It’s Bullying
• Power is uneven
• Intent to harm
• Repeated and
Sustained
• Social Bullying
• Indirect Bullying
• Relational Bullying
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27. Bullying Intervention
• Know when it is
bullying
• Stand up for
yourself
• Ask them to stop
the behavior
• Seek healthy
support
• Tell an adult
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28. Ally Skills
• Don’t bully
• Speak up when someone else is being bullied
• Assume positive intentions, but don’t let that
assumption make you silent
• Ask questions to clarify and to educate
• Don’t make the person who is bullying into
someone who is getting targeted
• Actively include those who are easily left out
• If you know someone is getting bullied, tell an
adult at school or at home
• Keep the climate healthy
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29. Debrief
• What information
was new, useful, or
interesting to you?
• What other
questions do you
have? Who in your
life can help you figure
out the answers?
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30. “The thing that is really
hard, and really amazing, is
giving up on being perfect and
beginning the work of
becoming yourself.”
Anna Quindlan
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31. Questions, Comments, Concer
ns?
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32. Presenter Information
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
6th Faculty and
Professional Outreach
Seattle Girls’ School
2706 S Jackson Street
Seattle WA 98144
(206) 805-6562
rlee@seattlegirlsschool.org
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33. Resources
• Joshua M. Aronson, Ph.D., “Improving Achievement & Narrowing the Gap,” Learning
and the Brain Conference, Cambridge, MA, November 2003
• Roy Baumeister, Case Western Reserve University, Various Social Psychology
Experiments on the Effects of Social Exclusion
• Beatbullying Toolkit for Teachers, http://www.beatbullying.org/images/teachers.pdf
• “Cycle of Bullying,” North Central Educational Service District,
http://www.ncesd.org/safe_civil/docs/resources/cycle_of_bullying.pdf
• Kevin Jennings, GLSEN (Gay Lesbian and Straight Education Network)
www.glsen.org
• Allan G. Johnson, Privilege, Power, and Difference.
• Tara Kuther, “Understanding Bullying,” PTA.org,
http://www.pta.org/pr_magazine_article_details_1117637268750.html
• John Medina, Talaris Research Institute, various studies on theory of mind and
power.
• Michael Thompson & Kathy Schultz, “The Psychological Experiences of Students of
Color,” Independent School Magazine,
http://www.nais.org/publications/ismagazinearticle.cfm?Itemnumber=144307&sn.Ite
mNumber=145956&tn.ItemNumber=145958
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34. Gender Specific Resources
• JoAnn Deak, Ph.D., Girls Will Be Girls: Raising Confident and Courageous
Daughters, How Girls Thrive
• Pooja Makhijani, Under Her Skin: How Girls Experience Race in America.
• John Medina, Talaris Research Institute, various studies on early gender
differences in competition and play and “Love Lab.”
• Northwest Girls Coalition, Protective Factors for Middle School Girls - What can
Parents Do?
• The Ophelia Project http://www.opheliaproject.org/main/index.htm
• Mary Pipher, Ph.D., Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls
• Rachel Simmons, Odd Girl Out, Odd Girl Speaks Out, Curse of the Good
Girl, http://www.rachelsimmons.com/
• Harriet R. Tenenbaum, “Gender Achievement Motivation,” Learning and the Brain
Conference, Cambridge, MA, November 2003.
• Rosalind Wiseman, Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive
Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends & Other Realities of Adolescence, Queen Bee Moms
and Kingpin Dads, http://rosalindwiseman.com/
• Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth, Promiscuities
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