Presentation on Highly Sensitive and Emotionally Intense Kids presented at the Parent Connection Conference in Virginia Beach Schools on January 28, 2012
1. Navigating the Sometimes Turbulent
Waters of Highly Sensitive and
Emotionally Intense Kids
Kim Bielmannn Cabotaje
Internal Luminosity
January 28, 2012
2. How did you find your way here?
What need, curiosity or quandary
has brought you to this place
right now?
3. “Gifted individuals
have qualities to be
managed, not
problems to be fixed.”
~Mary-Elaine Jacobsen, Psy.D
4. At the End of Our Time Together, I Hope You Will:
Know how to
recognize behaviors
of emotional
intensity and
sensitivity Understand that
these characteristics
are normal and can
be very desirable
Be able to
implement some
strategies that will
help your child
5. Photo Kim Bielmann Cabotaje, 2011
“Being gifted means having a
qualitatively different experience
of the world.”
~Michael Piechowski, Ph.D.
6. Kazimierz Dabrowski
Theory of Positive Disintegration
from a self-centered focus and
toward altruism and moral development
though higher intelligence is not essential,
innate ability with overexcitability
makes it more likely
12. EMOTIONAL Intensity
Intense positive and
negative feelings
Deeply committed
relationships
Large capacity
for compassion
Empathic
Perceived as melodramatic
13. Too driven Too demanding
Too anal
Too cautious Too sensitive
Too serious
Too analytical Too complicated
Too dramatic
Too different
Too, too much!
15. The Highly Sensitive Child
• 15-20% of children
• Inherited trait of a more developed central
nervous system—reach overstimulation sooner
• Depending on parenting, school and life
experiences, can lead to challenges like anxiety
and fear
• Studied in infants and children for over 50 years
as shyness, introversion and inhibitedness
• 70% are introverts and 30% extraverts
• Pause to check system greater than “go-for-it”
system
• Though one need not be gifted to be highly
sensitive, a significant number of sensitive
individuals are also very intelligent
Adapted from The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.
16. The Emotionally Intense Child
• Vacillates between extreme happiness and anger or
sadness
• May have explosive outbursts, bouts of crying or
debilitating anxiety
• Extreme guilt, critical self-talk and self-doubt
• Physical manifestations may include heart
palpitations, sensory sensitivity, nausea and
headaches
• Strong affective memory—ability to relive feelings of
an event throughout lifetime
• Intense relationships
• Can be overwhelmed by rigid classroom expectations
and sensory overload of the school experience
Adapted from Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students: Helping Kids Cope With Explosive Feelings by Christine Fonseca
18. The Joys of Raising Highly Sensitive
and Emotionally Intense Children
• Able to connect deeply with others
• Capable of deep feeling and thought
• Notice, experience and appreciate beauty in others
and the world
• Empathize with the plight of others
• Raise your awareness of the world around you and
cause you to ponder questions you had not previously
considered
• Have the passion to create a fulfilling life
• When supported, have the potential to make great
contributions in the areas of law, invention, healing,
history, art science, education, counseling and
spiritual leadership—the consultants to the warriors
and rulers
Adapted from Aron and Fonseca
19. Telling your child to lighten up or toughen
up, calling her a drama queen,
proclaiming that boys don’t cry, feeding
into the meltdown, excusing negative
behavior, issuing strong disciplinary
action and failing to recognize your own
potential overexcitabilities does not work!
20. “Gifted students are
inherently different from their
peers on many
fronts. Learning how to
effectively live as a high
ability student can require
strategies and social skill
development.”
~Tracy Cross
21. Help Your child Manage These characteristics
• Learn everything you can about sensitivity and
emotional intensity
• Let your child know that you understand and accept
his experiences and needs
• Help your child to understand how others may
experience things differently
• Make sure your child eats a healthy diet without
excess carbs and sugar and gets plenty of sleep
• Help your child to recognize when he needs to pull
in and recharge and when he can step out in the
world
• Provide opportunities for your child to take safe
risks and build confidence
Adapted from Aron and Fonseca
22. • Strive to create comfortable transitions during times of
change
• Try to provide structure and routine to reduce stress in
your home
• Create a household that has clear boundaries,
expectations and consequences for behaviors
• Understand the impact of shame
• Punishment should not be excessive—consequences
should be short, mild and related to the behavior
• Consequences should be positive, not punitive—rather
than take things away, give the opportunity to earn or
not earn
• Avoid meltdowns by teaching relaxation and
recognizing the signs
• Following a meltdown, take time later when everyone
is calm to discuss what has happened
• Adapted from Aron and Fonseca
23. • Consider the interaction of your own personality with
your child’s might help or hinder her
• Help your child set reasonable goals and support
them in working towards them in manageable chunks
• Don’t allow your child to use their characteristics to
manipulate others
• Consider using bibliotherapy to help your child find
characters to relate to and learn from (e.g. A Wrinkle
in Time)
• When working with teachers, focus on the child’s
strengths first, identify areas of concern and create a
plan that is consistent between home and school, has
measurable goals and is simple
• Celebrate with your child everything wonderful about
being sensitive and intense!
• Adapted from Aron and Fonseca
24. Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnosis of
Gifted Children and Adults
by James Webb, et. al.
There is an epidemic of
misdiagnosis of the gifted based
on common characteristics being
mistaken for one or more
disorders.
25. What one thing can you take away
today that you will try to
implement immediately?
What questions do you still have?
26. Only the Beginning:
Additional Resources to Help You
• Anxiety-Free Kids: An Interactive Guide for Parets and Children
by Bonnie Zucker (Prufrock Press, 2009)
• Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students: Helping Kids Cope with
Explosive Feelings by Christine Fonseca (Prufrock Press, 2011)
• Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnoses of Gifted Children and Adults
by James Webb, Ph.D., et. al. (Great Potential Press, 2005)
• Selecting a Mental Health Professional for Your Gifted Child
http://www.sengifted.org/resources/SelectingAMentalHealthProffesion
al.pdf
• Smart but Scattered: The Revolutionary “Executive Skills:
Approach to Helping Kids Reach Their Potential by Peg Dawson
and Richard Guare (Guilford Press, 2009)
• The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When
the World Overwhelms Them by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D. (Broadway
Books, 2002)
• What to Do When Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough: The Real
Deal on Perfectionism: A Guide for Kids by Thomas S. Greenspon
(Free Spirit, 2007).
One of the things I’ve heard consistently over the years of working with parents in workshops is what a benefit (and often a relief) it is to sit and talk with others who have similar experiences. It’s good not to feel alone. If you are comfortable, please share what brought you here.
If you take only one thing away from the presentation today, I hope that it is an understanding that many of the behaviors and qualities that are considered very normal for bright and gifted individuals are often misunderstood as problems. The very qualities that can create challenge also contribute to great potential in these individuals.
However, I hope you will also gain…
There are many definitions for giftedness, but this is one of my favorites. In particular, because it recognizes that it is not solely the cognitive needs and experiences that comprise one’s giftedness. Rather, there is a whole affective component that must be considered. Though it is certainly my intent to help parents of gifted children understand that these qualities are often part of the gifted make-up, you will also find that two of the authors/researchers whose work I draw on for the presentation (Dabrowski and Aron) do not consider sensitivity or emotional intensity to be soleya gifted phenomena.
Dabrowski, a Polish psychiatrist from the 19th century, developed the theory of positive disintegration. Though he was not researching and writing about gifted individuals specifically, he did note that when overexcitabilites and higher intelligence are present, there is a greater likelihood of overexcitabilities being present. Understanding overexcitabliities will give you a context for understanding sensitivity and emotional intensity.
Though there are 5 different areas of overexcitability, emotional and sensual intensity being only two, we’ll do a quick overview of all of them to give you some context and because you will inevitably see some overlap. As you’re looking at these next slides, you might do a mental inventory of which of them seem to describe your child. This will also help with your understanding that these characteristics are normal in the gifted population. Often individuals have a combination of overexcitabilities
Sensual intensity is most closely related to the characteristic of sensitivity.
Take a couple of minutes on your own to jot down thoughts about what is positive about sensitivity and emotional intensity, what is challenging and what questions you have.Continue to jot down thoughts as we look more closely at highly sensitive and emotionally intense children.
In the face of what seems like so many potential challenges, let’s take a minute to brainstorm the wonderful manifestations of these characteristics in your child.
Reflect on what you’ve tried so far that doesn’t work.
Individuals need to understand that there are skills they can learn to help them move more comfortably and successfully through the world.
As we go through this list, check any items that you think you would like to try.
A word of caution, if you feel you need the help of a professional, be aware that, according to James Webb, et. al., very few in the helping professions ( including doctors, therapists and educators) are educated about gifted characteristics and their various manifestations. If you feel you do need to seek professional help, Supporting the Emotional Needs of Our Gifted (SENG) has a pamphlet to guide you in choosing a counselor (see resource list for web link).