2. AGENDA
0Surface Revision: Essay #2
0Discussion: QHQ SBB
0In-class writing: SBB

4. Wordiness
A sentence is not concise simply because it is short; a concise sentence contains
only the number of words necessary to achieve its effect or to make its point.

5. Nonessential Word
Categories:
0 Deadwood
0 Utility Words
0 Circumlocution

6. Deadwood Examples
Unnecessary phrases that
take up space and add
nothing to meaning.
0 Wordy: There were many
factors that influenced his
decision to become a teacher.
Hint: omit the filler phrases
"it is," "there is," and "there 0 Concise: Many factors
are" at the beginning of
sentences; these often delay
influenced his decision to
the sentence's true subject become a teacher.
and verb.

7. 0 Wordy: They played a softball game that
was exhausting.
0 Concise: They played an exhausting
softball game.
0 Wordy: It is expensive to upgrade
computer systems.
0 Concise: Upgrading computer systems is
expensive.

8. Some familiar expressions that are
Deadwood
0 There is/There are
0 I feel
0 I think
0 It seems to me
0 All things considered
0 Without a doubt
0 It is important to note
0 In my opinion
0 The reason why
0 In conclusion

10. Examples of Utility Words to
Eliminate or Replace
Vague Nouns Adverbs denoting degree
0 Thing (something, 0 Basically
anything, everything)
0 Very
0 Situation
0 Definitely
0 Kind
0 Type 0 Quite
0 Aspect
0 Sort
0 Area

11. Circumlocution
0 Problem: Taking a roundabout way to say
something (using ten words when five will do)
is called Circumlocution.
0 Remedy: Instead of using complicated phrases
and rambling constructions, use
concrete, specific words and phrases and
come right to the point.

12. Omit "which" or "that” when
possible.
0Wordy: Because the fluid, which was
brown and poisonous, was dumped into
the river, the company that was
negligent had to shut down.
0Concise: Because the brown, poisonous
fluid was dumped into the river, the
negligent company had to shut down.

13. Punctuation
Using commas and semi-colons

21. Checking the Details

22. Miscellaneous Questions
0 Does the paper follow MLA guidelines?
0 Is the page length within assigned limits?
0 Is the font type and size within the assigned guidelines?
0 Does the Header or Footer follow the assignment
guidelines?
0 Is the professor's name spelled correctly? Kim Palmore
0 Is your name spelled correctly?
0 Does the paper have a title? Is it a good title? Is the title in
the appropriate location?

23. Writing Tips
0 Write about literature in present tense
0 Avoid using “thing,” “something,” “everything,” and
“anything.”
0 Avoid writing in second person.
0 Avoid using contractions.
0 Cut Wordy Sentences
0 Fix run-on sentences
0 Check for misused words

24. A Work in an Anthology,
Reference, or Collection
0 Works may include an essay in an edited collection or
anthology, or a chapter of a book. The basic form is for this
sort of citation is as follows:
0 Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection.
Ed. Editor's Name(s). City of Publication: Publisher, Year.
Page range of entry. Medium of Publication.
0 Example:
0 Harris, Muriel. "Talk to Me: Engaging Reluctant Writers." A
Tutor's Guide: Helping Writers One to One. Ed. Ben Rafoth.
Portsmouth: Heinemann, 2000. 24-34. Print.

25. A Work in a Collection or Anthology
Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection. (Date of
original publication if applicable). Ed. Editor’s Name(s). City of
Publication: Publisher, Year. Page range of entry. Medium of Publication.
Langston Hughes
“Passing” Toni Morrison
The Ways of White Folks “Recitatif”
New York Source: Confirmation: An Anthology of African
Vintage 1990 1934 American Women
No Editor in this case Publisher: Morrow
Edition: 1983
Pages 51-55
Editors: Imamu Amiri Baraka & Amina Baraka
Print
Place Published: New York
Pages 243-260
Print

26. Recorded Films or Movies
List films by their title. Include the name of the director, the distributor, and the
release year. If relevant, list performer names after the director’s name. Use the
abbreviation perf. to head the list. End the entry with the appropriate medium
of publication (e.g. DVD, VHS, Laser disc).
Ed Wood. Dir. Tim Burton. Perf. Johnny Depp, Martin Landau, Sarah Jessica
Parker, Patricia Arquette. Touchstone, 1994. DVD.
The Human Stain
Directed by Robert Benton
Performers: Anthony Hopkins, Nicole Kidman, Ed Harris, and Gary Sinise.
Distributor: Miramax
Release Year: 2003
Medium: DVD

27. An Article in a Scholarly Journal
0 Always provide issue numbers, when available.
0 Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal Volume.
Issue (Year): pages. Medium of publication.
0 Example:
Bagchi, Alaknanda. "Conflicting Nationalisms: The
Voice of the Subaltern in Mahasweta Devi's Bashai
Tudu." Tulsa Studies in Women's Literature 15.1
(1996): 41-50. Print.

28. Article in an Online Scholarly Journal That Also Appears in Print
Cite articles in online scholarly journals that also appear in print as you would a
scholarly journal in print, including the page range of the article. Provide the
medium of publication that you used (in this case, Web) and the date of access.
Wheelis, Mark. "Investigating Disease Outbreaks Under a Protocol to the
Biological and Toxin Weapons Convention." Emerging Infectious Diseases 6.6
(2000): 595-600. Web. 8 Feb. 2009.
Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal. Volume. Issue (Year of publication):
pages. Medium of publication. Date retrieved.
Randall Kennedy William Pickens
“Racial Passing” “Racial Segregation”
Ohio State Law Journal Opportunity: Journal of Negro Life
Volume 62 December, 1927
Issue 1145 364-367
2001 Web.
1-28 8 Feb. 2013
Web
8 Feb. 2013

29. Article in an Online Scholarly Journal That Also Appears in
Print
Cite articles in online scholarly journals that also appear in print as you would a
scholarly journal in print, including the page range of the article. Provide the
medium of publication that you used (in this case, Web) and the date of access.
Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal. Volume. Issue (Year of publication):
pages. Medium of publication. Date retrieved.
Hughes, Langston.
Passing (the poem)
Phylon
Vol. 11
Issue 1
(1950)
15
Web

30. QHQ
Stone Butch Blues
Discussion

31. “I didn’t want to be different. I longed to be everything
grownups wanted, so they would love me.” ch.2 p.13
0 This stood out to me because I think that These lines bothered me
people should be able to be whoever they because I can’t believe that
want and not have to worry about being an adult would judge a
judged and everyone’s opinion. There is no young person this way. I
map to how a kid should act, everyone is don’t understand it because
different. Parents are suppose to not worry this has never been a
about what you enjoy doing, or your problem for me. What is sad
preferences, they are just suppose to love is the fact that she just wants
you unconditionally. Kids should not have to to please them but because
change or try their hardest to please and she is different the deny her.
impress there parents or family, it should I just felt like she shouldn’t
just happen, with whatever they choose to be judged because the adults
be doing. Everyone has the right to be at this time period were
whoever they want, no one should scare ignorant.
them into taking that away. Everyone is
unique in there own ways.

32. “Only you could melt this stone. Are you ever
coming back?” (end of 11)
0 Clearly not shocking or ground breaking quote at first
glance, but its the context of the quote that i found most
telling. This first chapter of the book is a really intense love
note to Theresa, whom I assume is an ex lover given the
past tense references. Anyways, reading it was really
riveting i could tell there was some serious love involved
between the two. For anyone who has loved fully, relied
solely upon, was most comfortable with, embodied
happiness within another person, you can really feel the
heart break… its maybe one of the best accounts of that
classic “good times” flashback you get when you lose the
love of your life.

33. "Crow, are you a boy or a girl?"
"Caw, Caw!" (17).
0 The quote shows what horrible treatment the
character goes through just because he/she is
different. Difference is not coped with well in society
so in order for us to digest it, people make fun of it
because they feel insecure. We do not realize what we
are doing the person who is being treated badly. The
character never had the courage to stand up to the
people that kept asking him/her the question which I
wish he/she did so that he/she would feel more
confident about who he/she is.

34. “Two huge men in white uniforms took me off the elevator. My
parents stayed on. Then the men turned and locked the gate, barring
the elevator. I reached for my parents, but they wouldn’t even look at
me as the elevator door closed.”
0 Jess is a young girl going through things and experiencing things that
she did not know about, it is a part of life she was just growing up and
realizing her true identity. The action that her parents took was
terribly wrong, she did not have mental health problems and she could
not be changed by putting girly dresses on her or makeup she is who
she is and no one can change a person. Her parents should have sat
down and talked to her and especially listened to her. While reading
this and what happened to Jess i was really annoyed with he fact that
these actions take place all the time. With parents who think they
know best for their children, who think they know the right person
thing or place for their children. Parents who don’t listen. What they
do not realize is that the children are not them, they are their own
person. Free to choose the life style they desire. I have seen kids try to
open up to their parents about personal things and without listening
to any reasoning, parents just lash out at the kid. Making the child a
rebel and very hurt and ashamed to be themselves.

35. “Whatever the world thought was wrong with me, I
finally began to agree they were right” (23)
There is a lot of hurt behind these I felt sentimental as I
words. This is more than just admitting
read this because been
someone was hurting them, this was
her accepting what society thought different doesn’t make
and said about her. This was us inferior, it simply
acceptance of the fact that society means we are
perceived her behavior and feelings as distinguishable, and
“wrong.”
unique.
This quote just goes to show how
much power societal pressures have
over us, even our perception of
ourselves. It’s striking… and a little
scary.

36. “I was alone in the field. The coach stood a distance away from me, staring.
I wobbled as I tried to stand. There were grass stains on my skirt and blood
and slimy stuff running down my legs. ‘Get out of here, you little whore,’
coach Moriarty ordered” (41).
These lines from the novel truly repulsed me and disgusted me because of how
graphically Feinberg described the scene. To give some context, Jess, the butch
lesbian had just been gang raped by six boys from the high school football team she
attends. She had also been beaten by them while they viciously assaulted her
verbally. When the coach saw what was happening and blew his whistle, one would
expect that he had come to Jess’s aide. However, not only did he not help her
whatsoever, he even goes on to do the exact same as the boys who raped her and
call her a derogatory term. I found this to be horrifying and totally inappropriate
even considering that it was around the 1960’s. When part of the school staff does
not even defend a student who was raped and beaten but goes on to call her
names, there is something wrong with the system. To hire a person who is
prejudice and discriminatory defeats the purpose of going to school because
school should be a place of neutrality where a student can feel safe. Overall, this
part of the novel seemed wrong and immoral no matter how you spin it because
there is absolutely no reason for someone to have to endure such an injustice.

37. ” ‘You little slut,’ he whispered… ‘you are in a whole lot of trouble. What the hell
were you doing?’
‘Nothing, Miss Moore. I didn’t do anything. I was just trying to talk to Karla.’
She smiled at me. ‘Sometimes you don’t have to do anything wrong to be in hot
water.’ …
He looked at her with an open hatred. I could see what a racist he was.” (43)
0 This section of the book stood out to me most because it is when I
realized that not only is she battling oppression in the form of
sexual identity, she is also battling it through the color of one’s skin.
I wasn’t able to quote many of the quotes and dialogue throughout
the book but this stood out the most because the main character
really didn’t do anything whatsoever. Reading this part of the book
really made me emotionally angry and in disbelief that at some
point in time, self-proclaimed “teachers, principals & faculty”
would be so closed minded and ignorant when they are people in
high standing and educators. These are people who spread
ignorance and hatred with no substantial justification. This book
was a constant shock and reminder to what it was back then and
how appreciative of the time I live in now.

38. [Mrs. Noble] sat back in her chair. “When you do something out of conviction, my
dear, it should be because you believe it’s the right thing to do. If you look for
approval from everyone, you’ll never be able to act.” (45)
0 In my life I’ve met people who did Mrs. Noble is completely right.
things out of conviction because After reading this statement, i came
they really believed it was the to a realization of my own
right thing to do. And then I’ve experiences and how almost all of
also known those who did things
“out of conviction”, because it was my actions in life were done to seek
the popular thing to do, or approval of others. They were done
because they were looking for to seek approval from my sister,
recognition. And I’ve always felt parents, cousins, managers, co-
like the former, those who are workers, friends, and many others.
doing something because they I know the difference between right
truly know it to be the right thing, and wrong, and i do what i do
are more successful at enacting because i believe it is the right
the change they want, than those
who are just doing something to thing to do, but seeking approval
be popular or to check off a box along with it just makes things
somewhere. seem a more right. Having expert
approval makes all of our actions a
bit more ethical.

39. “We learned fast that the cops always pulled the
police van right up to the bar door and left snarling
dogs inside so we couldn’t get out. We were trapped
alright.” (pg 8 the letter)
0 I know this is a pretty early passage but it really
enlightened me to the story before I even got too in depth
with the book. This passage opens the door to what kind
of prejudice we can expect in this book. It also gives an
opening first person view of exactly how helpless these
people were. They couldn’t eve turn to the police to help
them against the hate of the city. They were literally all
alone.

40. “You think you’re a guy huh? you think you can take it like a
guy? We’ll see. what’s these? her said. He yanked up her
shirt and pulled her binder down around her waist. HE
grabbed her breasts so hard she gasped” (56).
0 This quote caught me off guard and adds to the list of
actions described in this book I would call inhumane.
How could officers of the law, people who are to protect
and server, able to treat someone like this? A giant
violation of rights and body.

41. “Either eat me or eat my
shit, bulldagger. It’s up to you.”
0 Of all the strife we read Jess had endured since being a
mere child, this particular scene in the book I couldn’t get
past. To be beaten to near death, and then treated the way
she was, made me sick. Rarely have I ever had such a
reaction to a novel, it stood out to me, even brought me to
tears. Having to take as much grief as Jess did on a daily
basis it made me burn with hatred for these cops that
went specifically out of their way to terrorize butches and
femmes, as if they were the criminals for their sexual
orientation. To be put in a position like that and survive, as
broken as she was for a long time, gave me great respect
for jess as the novel went on. Relentlessly she was hurt,
and relentlessly she fought.

42. ” ‘You know’, Duffy added, ‘I don’t think I really realized how hard it is for you. I
know what jerks the guys at work can be sometimes.’ he leaned up against the sink
and folded his arms. ‘ But when i went to the hospital with you, I saw how they
treated you, how they talked about you,’ he rubbed his face. When he looked back
at me, I saw tears in his eyes. ‘I felt so helpless, you know? I kept yelling at them
that you were a human being, that you mattered, and it was like they weren’t even
listening to me. I couldn’t do anything to help you and I couldn’t make them take
care of you the way I wanted, you know?’
I nodded. I did know. And now I knew that Duffy did too.” (93)
0 I really liked this quote because it sums up the sad majority of
human nature; we’re so unused to the unknown that we’d reject
and humiliate our own kind if they were “different”. it shows how
little agency and power we hold against a made up mind. This
quote depicts a certain kind of irony, that an “evil” communist
could see the humanity within Jess and the other butches, yet
others had rejected it. It was just so sad. Yet, it shows that
someone DID recognize the pain and dehumanizing taunts of this
world; it arises a kind of hope that there will be others who
would come to understand the persecution of LGBTQ people.

43. “I felt like a nonperson, even
Outlaws had more ID's than me”
0 I never considered the need of an I.D. as a challenge
for someone that has not broken the law. This was a
shocking realization for me thinking of her being free
since she was viewed as a man but not being able to
do anything such as visit Canada or being pulled over
by police, In these scenarios she is just as trapped as
before. Only this time there are different challenges
she faces. In these instances she may be more
comfortable in her body but not really any better off
otherwise.

44. “‘I’m scared, too,’ she continued. ‘If I’m not with a butch everyone
just assumes I’m straight. It’s like I’m passing too, against my will.
I’m sick of the world thinking I’m straight. I’ve worked hard to be
discriminated against as a lesbian’” (151)
0 It never occurred to me that lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and transgender
people wanted people to notice they weren’t straight. I assumed they
wanted to keep it a secret since the gay friends I have have kept it
secret from their family and even friends. I, myself, wouldn’t want
people to know my sex status, let alone show it. But Theresa lives to
show she’s a lesbian. She needs a butch to show the world she’s not
straight, to be herself. I understand she doesn’t want to pass as
something she’s not, but I don’t believe she needs to show it. If she
wants to she can, but I don’t think she NEEDS to. Perhaps at that time
she did, maybe they all had to show who they were to the world
because they needed their approval. But what I’ve learned from
experience is to hell with what people say and think; all that matters is
what I, or the individual, think of themself. Theresa shouldn’t have had
to feel that way about herself and people’s perception of her, none of
them should have and it saddens me to know they had to go through
hardships to prove themselves and survive.

45. “where am i going? I don’t quite know. Down the stream
where the king-cups grow– Up on the hill where the
pine-trees blow– Anywhere, anywhere I don’t know”
(Feinberg 169)
0 The mysteries of life never to be unraveled until life is lived in full. These
words were strong; I am constantly finding myself in a struggle with a career
choice. I ask myself everyday what major i should persue. A constant battle
in my mind, then having to deal with everyday struggles, school, work, and
relationships. Every ounce of energy used up and still unsure where life will
take you. It is a rough ride “life,” and Jess has had the worst. I am glad Ze’s
life has brightened up. Jess is a true roll model and inspiration to all, revered
in every sense. Jess no doubt had not known she would be an activist in her
life time, as i am sure many people before never know there true calling. Life
is a great big puzzle, and when it is complete i hope i can leave this world in
peace. People all know what they are but never know where they will end
up. So I ask myself again and again where will I end up? Not only myself but
what so loved ones? Friends? Family? I will stand tall, ” whatever tomorrow
brings ill be there” from the hit song “Drive” by Incubus.

46. “At first everything was fun. The world stopped feeling like a
gauntlet I had to run through. But very quickly I discovered that
passing didn’t mean just slipping below the surface, it meant being
buried alive. I was still me on the inside, trapped in there with all
my wounds and fears. But I was no longer me on the outside” (173).
0 This quotation basically summarizes what passing does to a
person, as it may shield you on the outside, but everything on
a personal level is kept inside of you. Jess feels safe when she
passes as a man because now, she is seen to be less
vulnerable in public and can be treated equally as a man
without having people question her gender. Jess realizes that
she is no longer her butch self on the outside, but passing
allows her to still be who she is on the inside.

47. In-Class Writing
0 Explore a moment when Jess intentionally passes.
How does this experience change who ze is? How do
you know?
0 Choose one when ze unintentionally passes. Does this
affect hir in the same way? How do you know?

48. HOMEWORK
0 Edit Essay #2: Submit your essay electronically before our
next class by emailing a copy saved in MS word to
palmorekim@fhda.edu
0 Reading: Stone Butch Blues (196-End).
0 Post #16: Pass
0 Post #17: Jess interacts with medical personnel in various
ways throughout the novel. Explore an experience Jess has
with a medical professional. Does her gender identity
influence the treatment she receives or doesn’t receive?
Include a quotation.
0 Studying: Terms