This is the presentation I made at the 2012 Florida Annual Conference of ADR and Mediation practitioners.

1. Domestic Violence Within the Lesbian, Gay,
Bisexual & Transgender Community:
An Exploration of Myths and Misconceptions
Florida Dispute Resolution Center Annual Conference
“Twenty in Transition”
John B. Dorris, Esq.

2. Understanding
the Community:
An overview of
terminology

3. Identity Terminology
• Different groups may use different acronyms to
represent similar ideas or identities
• What is most important for the mediator is to
mirror the language used by the client
• An individual may “look” a certain way, but
identify differently
• To maintain impartiality and fairness the
mediator should be aware of his or her bias and
use appropriate language

4. Identity Terminology
• LGBTQ
– Umbrella term meaning Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual,
Transgender and Queer
• GLBT, LGBT, LGBTIQ, LGBTTSIQ, GBLTQQA,
LGBTA, etc.
– Intersex, Questioning, Allies, and Two-Spirit
• The terms include both sexuality and gender
(these are not the same thing)

5. Sexuality & Gender
• Sexuality
– Orientation: who you want, who you love
– Behavior: what you do
– Identity: what you call yourself
• These 3 may not be in alignment as one
expects
• Important is to respect people’s identities
• Offensive terms to avoid: Homosexual, Queer

6. Gender v. Sex
• Sex: biological characteristic of being male,
female, and/or intersex (chromosomal,
hormones, genitalia, etc.)
• Sex is assigned at birth by a doctor based on
the physical anatomy of genitalia
• Sex can be changed through medical
assistance such as surgeries and hormones

7. Gender
• Gender is also assigned at birth based on sex
• It refers to self-expression, performance,
actions, behavior, dress, and grooming based
on cultural norms of masculinity and
femininity

8. Gender Assignment
• Born female: assigned gender of girl
• Born male: assigned gender of boy
• Intersex: genitalia considered “non-standard”
at birth and are assigned a gender by the
doctor and parents

9. Cisgender & Transgender
• Cisgender: term for individuals whose gender
identities are the same as the gender assigned
at birth
• Transgender: umbrella term for people whose
gender identity does not fit within the
traditional gender model, or for someone
whose assigned gender does not match their
gender identity.

10. Transgender
• Gender non-conforming: terms for someone
who does not conform to society’s
expectations of their assigned gender.
– Tomboys
– Feminine men
– Butch women
• Not all gender non-conforming people identify
as transgender

11. Transgender
• Gender performance at Play: live as the gender they
were assigned, but occasionally dress up in another
gender for performance, comfort, pleasure, or fun
– Crossdresser: person who enjoys wearing clothes of
the “opposite” gender for comfort, pleasure, or fun
– Drag King/Drag Queen: Drag King is a woman who
dresses in men’s clothes for performance or
enjoyment. A Drag Queen is a man who dresses in
women’s clothing for enjoyment

12. Transgender
• Choosing to Transition full time
• Transgender woman: a person whose assigned
gender at birth was male/boy who transitions
to live full time as female/woman.
• Appropriate language: male to female [MTF]
transsexual, transsexual woman, and trans woman
using the pronouns “she”, “her” and “hers
• Inappropriate language: “woman who is really a man”,
“shemale”, “he-she” or “shim”

13. Transgender
• Transgender Man: person whose assigned
gender at birth was female/girl who
transitions to live full time as male/man.
• Appropriate language: female to male [FTM]
transsexual, transgender man, transsexual man, trans
man with the pronouns “he”, “his”, and “him.”
• Inappropriate language: “man who is really a woman”,
“he-she”, “shim”, or “shemale”.

14. Transgender
• Genderqueer: person assigned at birth male
or female who transitions to live full time as
genderqueer.
– Their gender identity, expression, and presentation
may be fluid, and/or non-conforming.
– They may identify as both male and female or
neither male nor female.
– They may use pronouns “he” and “she” or “He” or
“she”, or even “ze” and “hirs”.

15. Transition may include….
• Cutting or growing hair; wearing wigs
• Dressing in clothing of the gender one identifies
with
• Changing names legally or through common
usage
• Changing the pronouns they use for themselves
• Hair removal
• Hormone replacement therapy
• Voice lessons

16. Transition may also include….
• Facial feminization surgeries
• Using breast forms or binding chest
• Packing or tucking
• Top surgeries (breast augmentation or reduction)
• Bottom surgeries (sex reassignment surgeries)
• Changing gender markers on identification such
as driver’s license or passport

17. Medical Transitioning
• Medically transitioning with the aid of hormones
and surgeries so that the physical appearance
matches their gender identity
– May make them feel more comfortable
– Easier to “pass” in society and avoid discrimination
and harassment
– Cost to medically transition varies between $30,000 to
$110,000, and usually not covered by insurance
– Surgery may also require doctor’s letter patient suffers
from gender identity disorder

18. Medical Transitioning
• Many transgendered people chose not to
medically transition for a variety of reasons
– Financial cost
– Religious reasons
– Immigration status
– Personal reasons
– Health reasons: HIV/AIDS, hepatitis, high blood
pressure, high cholesterol, or other health issues that
could interfere with hormone therapies or surgery

19. A word about Intersex
• Intersex is not a gender identity but often
confused with transgender
• Intersex people develop primary and
secondary sex characteristics outside of
society’s conceptions of male and female.
• At birth doctors attempt to alter the genitalia
to conform to traditional norms

20. Discrimination
• Heterosexism: belief that heterosexuality and
heterosexual relationships are the only
acceptable norm
• Homophobia/biphobia/transphobia
– Irrational hatred, fear, discrimination or belief in
stereotypes about:
• Gay and lesbian people = homophobia
• Bisexual people = biphobia
• Transgender people = transphobia

21. Examples of Discrimination
• Ideological level
– Belief that everyone should be straight and
cisgender and the LGBT people are inherently
abnormal, sick, or evil
• Institutional level
– The Defense of Marriage Ac; lack of legal
protection against LGBT discrimination; not
allowing LGBT people to adopt children, sodomy
laws, police harassment and brutality

22. Examples of Discrimination
• Interpersonal level
– Bulling; name-calling; harassment; denying
service; firing or not hiring someone because they
are perceived to be LGBT-identified; hate crimes
such as vandalism, arson, stalking, physical attack,
rape, and murder
• Internalized level
– Self-harm; addiction; eating disorders; suicide;
shame

23. Myths and Misconceptions
Intimate partner abuse in the
community

24. Intimate Partner Abuse
• Physical abuse
• Emotional/verbal abuse
• Financial dependency
• Social isolation
• Sexual abuse
• Minimizing/denying
• Coercion/threats/intimidation
• Murder

25. Sources of Myths
• Socialization
• Victim blaming
• Misunderstandings
• Lack of Awareness
– Lack of self-reporting
– Minimal media coverage

26. Prevalence Data
• Researchers estimate at least 25% of LGBT
relationships are abusive.
• Analysis of different case studies suggest 25-33% of
LGBT people experience partner abuse in their
lifetime.
• This percentage is in line with estimates of the
general population

27. Prevalence Data
• Some studies point to as high as 50% of
transgender persons report being raped or
assaulted by their intimate partner.
• Estimation is understandably difficult.

28. Commonalities
• GLBT survivors experience many of the same
psychological affects of abuse as heterosexual
survivors
• Cyclical fashion of intensifying abuse over time
• Issues of power and control

29. The Power and
Control Wheel
• Similarities
• Social isolation (friends
and family)
• Minimizing the abuse
• Experiencing victim
blame
• Believing they can
change the abuser
• Differences
• External homophobia
• Social norms
• Barriers to service

30. Commonality: Power and Control
• Power dynamics in same-sex relationships are
down-played since power and control is
traditionally defined in the context of a man
versus a woman.
• Power is based on social dynamics between
the couple aside from gender, such as relative
personal power, socioeconomic status, level of
education, disabilities, and race.

31. How is it Different?
• Greater stress from living in a homophobic
environment (minority stress)
• Gender role socialization effecting whether
survivor will be believed
• Inexperience among service providers and law
enforcement in handling and investigating
same-sex intimate partner violence

32. Myths and Misconceptions
• Some people ask for it
• If the abuse isn’t physical then it’s not that bad
• All abuse is caused by drinking or drugs
• It’s only a working class problem
• Victim could just leave
• All abuse is perpetrated by males against females
• The abuse must be mutual

33. Myths and Misconceptions
• The abuse is really just sadomasochism
• Florida domestic violence statutes are not applicable, and
therefore do not protect, same-sex relationships.
• Immigration concerns are not an issue
• Federal laws such as VAWA do not apply to the LGBT
population

34. Patrick Letellier
“SAN FRANCISCO (AP)—Even though
his scalp would be bloodied from
getting slammed against a door or his
neck splotched with fingerprint-
shaped bruises, Patrick Letellier’s
injuries were often dismissed as
nothing more than rough sex play.”
“I got really good at hiding things and
wore long pants and long-sleeve
shirts,” said Letellier, a 43-year-old
journalist from San Francisco.
The Gay Men’s Domestic Violence
Project began in 1993 when a gay man
was denied access to multiple
mainstream domestic violence shelters
simply because he was gay.

35. LGBT Domestic Violence is
Different
• LGBT community often does not identify
partner abuse as a community issue
• The survivor is likely to have the same support
systems, such as friends and social spaces, as
the abuser. Leaving the partner may mean
leaving the community.
• Internalized homophobia, biphobia, and
transphobia increase the self-blame of the
survivor.

36. LGBT Domestic Violence is
Different
• The abuser and/or others may blame the survivor’s
sexual and/or gender identity for the abuse
• Lack of visibility of LGBT individuals means that
there are few role models for relationships.
• With little societal validation of LGBT individuals,
people in survivor’s life may not even recognize the
survivor is in a relationship, much less that he or
she is being abused.

37. LGBT Domestic Violence is
Different
• Many are closeted and cannot turn to friends,
family, faith communities, or employers for support
• Discrimination does some of the work for the
abuser by isolating the survivor, destroying their
self-esteem, and convincing them that no one will
help them because of their orientation and/or
gender identity

38. LGBT Domestic Violence is
Different
• There is a greater likelihood of no arrest, wrongful
arrest, or dual arrest when calling the police, and
no restraining order or dual restraining orders
given by judges.
• There are fewer resources available for LGBT
survivors
• There may be LGBT community pressure not to air
dirty laundry about partner abuse or to use the
legal system.

39. Additional Differences
• Greater threat of social isolation
• Fear of being “outed” by their partner to friends,
employers, and family members
• Fear of job termination
• Threats to limit involvement in gay community
• Discourage reporting from fear of shaming GLBT
community
• Withholding of medication could create life
threatening situations (HIV meds, hormone therapy,
etc.)

40. Things Abusers Might Say
• You’re not a real man.
• If you were really gay you’d let me tie you up.
• Real women dress like this.
• No one is going to help you because you’re a
trans.
• We’re lesbians, we don’t need to use
protection. We can’t catch STD’s.

41. Things Abusers Might Say
• You are the butch, you have to pay for everything.
• All lesbians have sex this way.
• I know I can’t trust you alone with your friends
because you’re bisexual and you’ll sleep with
anyone.
• Even with that wig on, you still look like a man.
• If you leave me, I’ll tell your boss you’re a tranny.

42. Things Abusers Might Say
• You need to stop acting so queer. I’m
embarrassed by you.
• If you don’t have sex with me I’ll tell everyone
at school that you’re a faggot.
• What do you think your father will do when I
tell him we’re together? If you want to find out,
keep pushing me.

43. Effects on Transgender Survivors
• Withholding hormones may put the survivor’s
body in disarray.
• Secondary sex characteristics such as voice,
location of fat, and body hair may be effected
by hormone withdrawal.
• Mood and mental health may also be effected
putting the survivor at greater risk of
harassment or discrimination.

44. Effects on Transgender Survivors
• Refusing to use the survivor’s chosen name
and pronoun can impact the survivor’s self-
esteem and may also confuse mutual friends
and family members.
• Calling a transgender man’s chest “breasts”
undermines his gender identity and is a form
of sexual abuse.

45. Guess who’s not coming to dinner.

46. Minority Stress
• “Multiple layers of victimization in the lives of
many battered GBLT(s) compound the experience
of trauma and its impact on mental health and
well-being.”
• A person can leave an abusive relationship, but
they may not be able to leave a homophobic
society and culture.
• Need to trust they will not be discriminated
against, which is often counter to past
experiences.

47. Minority Stress
• Research indicates stress from discrimination,
hate crimes, external and internal
homophobia, coming out, or hiding one’s
sexual orientation takes a toll on intimate
relationships.
• Greater instances of minority stress associated
with lower relationship quality and both
intimate partner abuse perpetration and
victimization.

48. Gender-Role Socialization &
Misconceptions
• Traditional view: only men can be the abuser, and
women are the victims
• Same-sex couples presumed to be physically and
socially equally matched in terms of power
• Men wouldn’t let themselves be battered
• Women are egalitarian and nurturing, so lesbians
couldn’t be batterers
• Women aren’t really strong enough to hurt each
other anyway.

49. Gender-Role Socialization &
Misconceptions
• For many lesbians, these assumptions lead to
victim blaming and invisibility
• Gay men may not want to discuss being
battered for fear they will be feminized
• Video: ABC News “what would you do”

50. Gender-Role Socialization &
Misconceptions
• Expectations lead to inaccurate conclusions:
– Gay male intimate partner abuse is logical since all men
are prone to violence
– Gay men who are raped “wanted it”
– Lesbians cannot rape one another
– Lesbian partner violence does not occur since women are
not violent
– Same-sex partner abuse is not as severe as a heterosexual
battering
– Is really mutual abuse with each partner perpetrating and
receiving equally
– Perpetrator must be the larger ‘man’ or the ‘butch’ and the
victim is the smaller ‘woman’ or the ‘femme’

51. Gender-Role Socialization
• Seriousness of situation may be trivialized
• The abuse may be disregarded as a tiff or
argument
• Trivializing the abuse may create even greater
danger in the future; removes responsibility
from the abuser

52. Deciding to
Seek Help
Potential Problems

53. Why haven’t they sought help?
• Fear of service providers violating their trust and
confidentiality listed as top reason preventing
lesbian survivors from seeking help.
• Lack of adequate LGBT-specific support groups,
shelters, and treatment programs other reasons
cited for not seeking assistance.
• Have sought help but encountered discrimination
and disbelief.
• The role of shame, both for the individual outed
and shame to the gay community as a whole.

54. Seeking Help
• Many report shelters have been unhelpful and
unwelcoming
• Faith based organizations may condemn
homosexuality, or require acceptance of Jesus in
order to stay at the shelter
• Some women’s shelters may not adequately screen
abusers meaning the abusive partner can gain access
to the surviving partner attempting to find help
• Some turned away stating their experiences did not
constitute domestic violence

55. Seeking Help
• Many indicate they cannot go to family since family
does not know about them or the relationship.
• Many are afraid to call the police out of fear both will
be arrested because the police cannot “sort out”
which one is the abusive partner.
• Survivor may mistakenly believe self-defense
constitutes being abusive

56. Importance of First Contact
• Research indicates if the survivor is met with a
supportive response he or she is more likely to
escape future acts of violence.
• If the survivor is met with blame or non-belief
this causes him or her to become isolated and
more vulnerable to future attacks.

57. Are the Statutes Applicable?
• Belief that same-sex couples are not protected by
domestic violence statutes.
• “Judge: Gay Marriage Ban Prohibits Some Domestic
Violence Charges”, Akron Beacon Journal, March 23,
2005.
• Ohio constitution amended to prohibit any state or
local that would “create or recognize a legal status
for relationships of unmarried individuals.”
• Florida constitution amended with similar language.

58. Florida Ban on Gay Marriage
• “no other legal union that is treated as
marriage or the substantial equivalent thereof
shall be valid or recognized.”
• Proposition 2, November 4, 2008.
• Florida Stat. Section 741.212
(Defense of Marriage Act) in 1997

59. Same-Sex Couples Are Protected
• State v. Carswell, 114 Ohio St.3d 210 (2007).
– Statute did not conflict with amendment
• Peterman v. Meeker, 855 So.2d 690 (2nd D.C.A.
2003).
– Statute does not require person seeking
protection to be a “spouse”
– No other case law post-Proposition 2

60. Same-Sex Immigrant Couples
• Misconception that immigration is not an
issue for same-sex couples
• Misconception that Immigrant survivors do
not have the same protections available to
married couples under Federal Regulations

61. Immigrant Protections
• The Defense of Marriage Act has limited the
protections available under the Violence
Against Women Act (VAWA) such as the VAWA
Self-Petition.

62. Immigrant Protections
• However, U-Visas are an option for immigrant
survivors in same-sex relationships
– Immigrants can obtain lawful status if help in
investigation or prosecution of the crime
– These crimes include domestic violence, child
abuse, stalking, and sexual assault
• Political Asylum is an option if fear anti-LGBT
hate-motivated violence in country of origin

63. Restraining Orders
• GPS monitoring system announced in March of 2012
that will soon be used in domestic violence cases.
• A judge will decide the parameters on a case-by-case
basis.
• The state just approved $300,000 for the purchase of
these devices. This is just a pilot program that will
run for one year, but if it works it could expand
• Florida has an injunction registry available to law
enforcement statewide.

64. Registering Out-of-State
Protective Orders
• One can register a protection order by presenting two certified
copies to any state sheriff and requesting that it be entered in
the Florida injunction registry, which is a database available to all
Florida law enforcement officers.
• He or she will likely have to sign an affidavit that to the best of
their knowledge, the protection order is currently in effect, has
not been replaced by another order, and that the abuser has
been given a copy of the order.
• The sheriff will assign a case number and give the person a
receipt showing registration of the foreign order in Florida.
There will be no fee for registration of a foreign order.

65. Safety Plan
• Important to know what to do the next time
the partner becomes physically, emotionally
or verbally abusive.
• Put personal items such as your birth
certificate, credit cards and medications all in
one place so that you can quickly leave if you
need to.

66. Action Plans
• Survivors are encouraged to draft a
personalized safety plan to assist in either
finding temporary safety or a plan to
permanently escape an abuser
• The handouts include a sample personalized
safety plan
• Specificity allows the survivor to recognize
critical steps and importance of assistance

67. In Conclusion
• Important for mediators to be aware of their
language usage and respect for the
individual’s identity.
• Increasing recognition of same-sex couples
and legalization of adoption for same-sex
couples requires greater awareness of
domestic violence within the community.