A condensed version of the slides I used for a workshop with a startup team on communication, feedback, and group norms.

1. Startup
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
communication
Ed Batista
July 11, 2014

2. Executive coach
Instructor @ Stanford GSB
www.edbatista.com
blogs.hbr.org/ed-batista
HBR Guide to Coaching Your Employees
Who am I?

3. Photo by Alex Eflon [link]
Where are we
1:1 communication
Group norms
You & your colleagues
going?

4. How will we
Concepts
Exercises & debriefs
1:1 feedback
get there?
Photo by Chloe Fan [link]

5. Startups as
human systems
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Complex group dynamics
Communication = survival
Feedback = learning
Relationships matter
Read
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6. Startups as
human systems
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Think about this team…
How are you communicating?
How would you like to communicate?

7. Concepts #1
Today’s headline
The simplest feedback model
Feelings
The net
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]

8. The headline
Feedback is stressful
So criticize with skill
& give more heartfelt praise
Photo by Garry Knight [link]
Read
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9. The simplest
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
feedback model
Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]

10. The simplest
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
feedback model

11. Feelings
Disclosing feelings = vulnerable
But feelings  influence
And vulnerability  closeness
Comfort with discomfort
Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link]

12. The net
David Bradford
How to improve communication?
How to create closeness and connection?
Read
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Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

13. Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
My behavior…
Actions
Statements
Non-Verbals
Needs
Motives
Intentions
Feelings
Reactions
Responses
The net
Me and my… You and your…
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

14. Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
The net
Stay on our side of the net
Focus on observed behavior
Disclose our response
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

15. Concepts #2
Hierarchy of needs
Safety, trust, intimacy
Social threat
SCARF model
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]

16. Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Abraham Maslow
What motivates us as human beings?

17. Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Physiological
Safety
Love & belonging
Esteem
Self-actualization

18. Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Some caveats…
* Maslow never used a pyramid
** Not a strict hierarchy

19. Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Parallels in groups & relationships
Pre-conditions for success

20. Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Psychological safety, trust & intimacy
Experiments, risk-taking &
vulnerability
Learning, self-
awareness & change
In groups & relationships…

21. Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Learning, self-
awareness & change

22. Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Psychological safety, trust & intimacy

23. Startups as
human systems
Think about your interactions in this group…
What enhances safety, trust & intimacy?
What undermines those qualities?
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]

24. Safety, trust,
Photo by Carly Lesser & Art Drauglis [link]
intimacy
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25. Safety, trust,
intimacy
Safety = I won’t get hurt
Trust = I believe you & you believe me
Intimacy = We can make the private public

26. Safety, trust,
intimacy
Foundation for learning
Feedback = learning
But there’s a problem…

27. Can I give you
Photo by Robbie Grubbs [link]
some feedback?

28. Feedback and
Photo by Mykl Roventine [link]
social threat

29. Threat response
aka “Fight, flight or freeze”
Physiological signs?
Emotional signs?
Photo by William Warby [link]

30. Social threat
(Some) social situations ≈ Physical threats
Many times/day
Most common location?

31. Social threat
Physiological/emotional response plus…
Cognitive impairment
Decision-making
Problem-solving
Collaboration
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]

32. Social threat
Result?
Massive communication failure
We give feedback ineffectively
We receive it poorly
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]

33. Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
SCARF model
Read
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David Rock
What social situations
trigger a threat
response?

34. Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
SCARF model
David Rock
What social situations trigger a threat response?
How can we minimize the risk of social threat?
How can we increase feelings of safety?

35. SCARF model
Status
Certainty
Autonomy
Relatedness
Fairness
Read
More

36. Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
Use the model
When giving feedback…
Be mindful of status
Minimize uncertainty
Maximize autonomy
Build the relationship*
Play fair*

37. Use the model
When getting feedback…
Recognize our threat response
Manage our emotions (Norms help*)

38. To sum up
Build safety, trust & intimacy
Minimize threat response
Better conditions for communication
Less stressful feedback
More effective learning
Photo by Pranav Yaddanapudi [link]

39. Concepts #3
Relationships
The net (again)
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]

40. Photo by Harsha KR [link]
Relationships
John Gottman
What characterizes successful relationships?
Read
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41. Relationships
Feeling known by the other
A culture of appreciation
Responding to “bids”
Mutual influence

42. 5:1 positive to negative
“Emotional bank account”
Relationships
& conflict
Photo by Connor Tartar [link]

43. Startups as
human systems
Think about your teammates…
How’s your emotional bank account?
What are you doing to build the relationship?
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]

44. Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
The net (again)

45. The net
How to be direct while avoiding defensiveness?
How to increase sense of fairness?
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

46. My behavior…
Actions
Statements
Non-Verbals
Needs
Motives
Intentions
Feelings
Reactions
Responses
The net
Me and my… You and your…
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

47. The net
Stay on our side of the net
Focus on observed behavior
Disclose our response
Diminish social threat & defensiveness
Increase sense of fairness
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

48. Startups as
human systems
Think about your teammates…
When do you cross their net?
When do they cross yours?
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]

49. Concepts #4
Emotional intelligence & groups
Talking about feelings
Group norms
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]

50. EQ and groups
Why care?
Effective teams
Participation, cooperation, collaboration
Can’t mandate behavior
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Read
More

51. EQ and groups
Essential conditions…
Mutual trust
Group identity (feeling of belonging)
Group efficacy (belief in value of the team)
Strongly affected by group EQ
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

52. EQ and groups
Individual EQ
Emotional awareness
Emotion regulation (≠ suppression)
Inward (one’s own emotions)
Outward (others’ emotions)
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

53. EQ and groups
High EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group
Group norms determine group EQ
Create awareness of emotion
Help regulate emotion
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

54. Startups as
human systems
Think about how you show up on this team…
How aware are you of your emotions?
How well do you regulate your emotions?
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]

55. Talking about
Affect labeling
Amygdala
Talking disrupts negative emotion
Talking about emotion > Thinking about emotion
feelings
Photo by Andrew Yee [link]
Read
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56. Talking about
Group norms
Norms define what’s normative
Can we talk about feelings here?
Overcome embarrassment
feelings
Photo by Andrew Yee [link]

57. Our norms
Photo by jm3 [link]

58. Our norms
Consider company norms
Create awareness of emotions
Help regulate emotions
Read
More
Photo by jm3 [link]

59. We never… We always…
1. Spend time getting to know
others personally.
Norms that create
awareness

60. We never… We always…
2. Regularly ask how others are doing.
Norms that create
awareness

61. We never… We always…
3. Share thoughts and emotions
with others in the moment.
Norms that create
awareness

62. We never… We always…
4. Ask others who have been quiet
in a discussion what they think.
Norms that create
awareness

63. We never… We always…
5. Fully explore others’ resistance
to our decisions.
Norms that create
awareness

64. We never… We always…
6. Set aside time to discuss and evaluate
our own effectiveness.
Norms that create
awareness

65. We never… We always…
7. Acknowledge and discuss the feeling
in the group in the moment.
Norms that create
awareness

66. We never… We always…
1. Have clear ground rules for productive
behavior in meetings.
Norms that help
regulate

67. We never… We always…
2. Call out behavior that violates
those ground rules.
Norms that help
regulate

68. We never… We always…
3. Express acceptance of
others’ emotions.
Norms that help
regulate

69. We never… We always…
4. Make time to discuss difficulties within the team
and the emotions they generate.
Norms that help
regulate

70. We never… We always…
5. Use playfulness to acknowledge
and relieve stress.
Norms that help
regulate

71. We never… We always…
6. Express optimism about
the team’s capabilities.
Norms that help
regulate

72. We never… We always…
7. Provide others with positive
feedback in the moment.
Norms that help
regulate

73. Our norms
What norms do we have?
What norms do we need?
Photo by jm3 [link]

74. Concepts #5
Positive feedback
Mindset
Soft start
5 levels
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]

75. Positive feedback
A paradox
So important
So often ineffective
What’s wrong?
Photo by Aaron Matthews [link]

76. Positive feedback
We may not trust it
We may even resent it
We often praise the wrong things
Read
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77. Positive feedback
Don’t praise to buffer criticism
Use a soft start*

78. Positive feedback
Don’t praise to overcome resistance
Use other means of influence

79. Positive feedback
Don’t praise ability
Praise effort and persistence

80. Carol Dweck
How do we feel about our abilities?
How do we feel about our mistakes?
Mindset
Photo by Tuomas Puikkonen [link]
Read
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81. Talent & intelligence
are inherent traits
Mistakes are failures or
character flaws
Negative emotional
response to mistakes
Talent & intelligence
can be developed
Mistakes are learning
opportunities
Pay close attention to
mistakes & learn
more
Fixed Growth
Mindset
Read
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82. Soft start
Photo by Phil McElhinney [link]
Not like this

83. Soft start
Photo by OakleyOriginals [link]
Like this

84. Soft start
Begin with positive intent
(But don’t bullshit)
Emphasize mutual goals
Be mindful of your stress
Read
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85. 5 levels
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]
Richard Francisco
Increasing levels of meaning, value and risk

86. 5 levels1: Ritual
2: Extended Ritual
3: Content
4: Feelings About Content
5: Feelings About Each Other
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]

87. 5 levels
5: Feelings About Each Other
Hardest
Riskiest
Most meaningful
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]

88. Remember…
Challenge yourself
Photo by Daniel Oines [link]

89. 1:1 feedback
Photo by Ana Karenina [link]
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90. 1:1 feedback
When getting feedback…
Observe your threat response
Do you want to ask for specific feedback?

91. 1:1 feedback
When giving feedback…
Positive feedback encouraged
Stay on your side of the net
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
Use the Vocabulary of Emotions

92. Thank you!
Photo by Brett Casadonte [link]