'I understand you're frustrated but we need to solve this problem calmly.' Student: 'You don't understand anything!'

1. Communication Workshop
© Graham Robertson Behaviour Training 2013
grobertson@thomastallis.org.uk
I hope you find this selection of slides useful. Do contact me if you would like more
information.

2. Be open and eclectic....
 Two sets of communication skills that do make a
difference in the classroom & with individuals.
 “Dealing with feelings that interfere with
learning”.
 “Seven skills that invite kids to cooperate”.
 14 hours.......into 1.....!!!!
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3. Key elements of the Ginott Model
• Congruent Communication
– From the Latin congruere, ‘to meet together’ ie ‘connect’.
• Fostering Independence and Self Respect
– Dependency breeds resentment
• Avoiding the Perils of Praise.
– Describe what you see/feel – say it in a word!
• “If rapport is lost, all is lost”
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4. Congruent Communication
• Communication which increases self-esteem
and decreases conflict.
• Talking with and responding to students in an
empathetic manner.
• Appropriate expression of anger, and the use of
“sane” messages that are logical and rational.
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5. Acting-Out Cycle
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6. Diamond Nine Activity
Short-Term ‘Triggers’ of Behaviour
• Groups of 2/3.
• Prioritise ‘triggers’.
• Most common at top
of diamond etc.
• Discuss/feedback.
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7. Short-Term Triggers of poor behaviour.
• Being shouted at. • Tiredness.
• Not being listened to. • Perceptions of
• Being distracted by injustice.
others. • Having personal
• Lack of skills to possessions taken or
complete a specific destroyed.
task. • Being bullied.
• Failure to understand • Being nagged.
instructions. • Lateness.
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8. Skills for your ‘toolkit’.
• Acknowledging children’s feelings.
• Engaging cooperation.
• Faber & Mazlish – How to Talk so....
• Tallis site
– go to ‘subjects’,
– go to ‘support unit’.
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9. If rapport is lost, all is lost!!
 Keeping a friendly  Common ground –
disposition. identify areas.
 Active listening skills  Give attention to
– identify feelings. them.
 Empathy – show that  Show interest in the
identify with their whole person –
needs/situation. interests etc.
 Ask questions. What
do they think? Views?
Problems?
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10. Acknowledging children’s feelings.
1. Identify the child’s feelings.
2. Acknowledge the child’s feelings with a sound
or word.
3. Give the child in fantasy what you can’t give in
reality.
4. Accept the child’s feelings even as you stop
unacceptable behaviour.
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11. Don’t deny or dismiss feelings.
• Angry child – “You’ve nothing to be angry about”.
• Frightened child – “There’s nothing to be afraid of”.
• Nervous child – “You have to toughen up”.
• Miserable child – “ Come on. Cheer up”.
• Moaney child – “I don’t want to hear your moaning”.
• Muddled child – “Sort yourself out”.
• Perplexed child – “It’s easy”.
• Anxious child – “Don’t worry about it”
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12. SK1 . Give the feeling a name.
• Instead of denying the feeling ... Give the feeling
a name.
• Its strange. When we urge a child to push a bad
feeling away, however kindly, she only seems to
get more upset.
• Some fear that by giving a name to the feeling
they will make it worse. Just the opposite is
true. The child who hears the words for what
she is feeling is deeply comforted. Someone
has acknowledged her inner experience.

13. USEFUL FEELINGS WORDS
Confused Happy Worried Relaxed Angry Sad
Muddled Delighted Afraid Calm Cross Miserable
Puzzled Cheerful Anxious Quiet Furious Gloomy
Perplexed Joyful Scared Peaceful Mad Glum
Unsure Thrilled Nervous Still Irritated Unhappy
Mixed up Joyful Frightened Contented Annoyed Blue
Uneasy Pleased Fearful Strong Vexed Fed up
Wary Thrilled Uneasy Fuming Upset
Careful Incensed Low
Threatened Seething Down
Embarrassed Withdrawn
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14. Try to ID these feelings….
• “I can’t write”
• “I don’t know how to do this work”
• This story is boring.
• I’m going to punch his face in”
• “Mr. Robertson's a ************* teacher!!
• “I don’t mind really”.
• “Well, OK then”

16. SK2. Acknowledge with a word.
• Instead of questions and advice ... Acknowledge
with a word.
• Its hard for a child to think clearly or
constructively when someone is questioning,
blaming or advising her.
• A simple “Oh... Mmm... I see.” Words like
these, coupled with a caring attitude, are
invitations to a child to explore her own thoughts
and feelings, and possibly come up with her own
solutions.
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17. SK3. Give in fantasy
• Students often refuse to respond to ‘reason’.
• When we express a student’s wishes in fantasy, we
make it easier for her to deal with reality.
• “Wouldn’t it be great if it were 3.30pm”
• “You wish it were warm enough to hang out here in the
LSU in a T shirt”
• “Wouldn’t it be great if lessons were optional”
• “I guess you would be happy if jeans were part of school
uniform”
• CM.
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18. SK4 . Accept the child’s feelings even as you stop
unacceptable behaviour.
• “I can see you are still angry about being
punched. You are scribbling on the desk. I can’t
allow that. Tell me more about what happened”.
• “You seem puzzled by what I’ve just said. The
rule is no swearing. Now, help me to understand
why you are angry with me”.
• “You seem to be really thrilled to get that merit
award. Tell your friends about it without shouting
– thanks”!
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19. Sample phrases for when you think your
perceptions are accurate.
• I understand the problem as... • I can see the situation as...
• I’m sensing.... • Could it be that...
• I wonder if... • Correct me if I’m wrong...
• I get the impression that... • Let me see if I understand...
• As I hear it, You... • You feel...
• From your point of view... • It seems to you...
• In your experience... • From where you stand...
• As you see it... • You think...
• You believe... • What I hear you saying...
• I’m picking up that you... • I really hear you saying that...
• Where you’re coming from... • You figure...
• You mean...
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20. Phrases to use when you have difficulty
understanding
• Could it be... • I wonder if...
• I’m not sure if I’m with you... • Would you buy this idea...
• What I guess I’m hearing is... • Correct me if I’m wrong...
• Is it possible that... • Does it sound reasonable...
• Could this be what’s going • From where I stand...
on... • You appear to be feeling...
• This is what I think I hear you • Perhaps you’re feeling...
saying... • Is there any chance that you...
• It appears you/me... • Is it conceivable that...
• I somehow sense that maybe • Maybe I’m not with it, but...
you feel...
• I’m not sure if I’m with you...
• Maybe you feel...
• Maybe this is a long shot...

21. Avoid the destructive ‘whys’
• Why can’t you be good • Why do you always rush?
for a change? • Why must you be such a
• Why are you so selfish? pest?
• Why do you have to fight • Why are you so
everybody? disorganised?
• Why can’t you be like • Why are you such a
other students? busybody?
• Why must you interrupt • Why do you forget
everyone? everything I tell you?
• Why can’t you just be • Why are you so stupid?
quiet once in a while? • Why are you so slow?
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22. Engaging cooperation.
1. Describe the problem
2. Give information.
3. Offer a choice.
4. Say it with a ‘word’ or ‘gesture’.
5. Describe what you feel.
6. Put it in writing.
7. Be playful.
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23. SK1. Describe the problem.
• Instead of accusations.
– “Dale, you are so careless! There is acrylic paint all over the
desk”
• Describe the problem.
– “Dale, there’s paint on the desk”
• Instead of sarcasm.
– “Whose the genius who forgot to put his name on the test”?
• Describe the problem.
– “I have a test paper without a name”.
• Instead of orders.
– “Stop that racket and get back to your class! Now! Move”!
• Describe the problem.
– “Boys, you can be heard down the corridor”
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24. SK2 . Give information.
Give information without insult
• Instead of accusation .
– “What do you think your doing? Who gave you the right to deface this
desk”?
• Give information.
– “Desks are not for writing on. Paper is for writing on”
• Instead of blame.
– “Why is your computer disk on the floor? Now it’s probably ruined”.
• Give information.
– “Computer disks don’t work when they are scratched or dirty”.
• Instead of a put-down.
– “Whew, your shirt smells! Didn’t anyone ever tell you about soap and
water”?
• Give information.
- “ Gymn clothes need a once a week wash to keep them smelling clean”.

25. SK3 Offer a choice.
Threats & orders = helplessness & defiance.
• Instead of an order
– “Clean up the paint. Now”!
• Offer a choice.
– You can clear the paint up with a wet rag or a sponge.
• Instead of a discouraging prophecy.
– “At this rate I’ll be retired by the time you start your coursework”.
• Offer a choice.
– “It can be hard making a start. Do you want to think about it some
more, or do you want to talk it over”?
• Instead of a threat.
– “If you don’t get the coursework done you’ll be in over the hols”.
• Offer a choice.
– “I am available after school on Tuesdays & Thursdays, or the hols are a
possibility”.
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26. Sk4. Say it with a word or gesture.
Students hate long explanations & lectures
• Instead of a warning
– “Take your cap off or its a detention for you lad”!
• Say it with a word or gesture.
– “Cap”! (pat head)
• Instead of a lecture.
– “How many times do I need to tell you to be quiet? Do you think I’m
talking for my own amusement”?
• Say it with a gesture.
– Finger to lips – arms/hands etc.
• Instead of accusations.
– “You did it again! You never leave room for margins. Thats why your
coursework always looks so scruffy”.
• Say it with a word.
– “Margins”
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27. SK5 .Describe what you feel.
When teachers describe their feelings without attack or
ridicule,students listen & respond.- make no ref to character!
• Instead of sarcasm
– “I see you’ve come well-prepared for the lesson Steven”.
• Talk about your feelings.
– “It irritates me to have to stop what I’m doing & lend you a pen
every lesson”.
• Instead of shaming.
– “The cover teacher told me how rotten you all were to her. You
aught to be ashamed of yourselves”.
• Talk about your feelings.
– “I didn’t like hearing that my class gave the cover teacher a hard
time”.
• Instead of name-calling.
– “You are all so rude! Can’t you see I’m talking to Saheed”?
– “It frustrates me to be interrupted when I’m talking to someone”.

28. Sk6. Put it in writing.
Students often shut out adult talk.
• Post-it notes.
– “Too loud” – Thanks.
– “On-task” – Thanks.
• Marking box.
– Name & Date That's Great!
• Dear Abdul,
Your cour sewor k was due last Fr iday!
Let me know when I can expect it .
I look f or war d t o your r eply.
Your s Sincer ely,
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29. . Be playful!
Sk7
Use another voice...
• Dam Busters theme!
• Gangster.
• Muppet Show.
• Andy Pandy....
• Good Byeeee
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30. How Can I Get Myself To React Less?
FEEL THINK DO
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31. How can I Get Myself To React Less?
Be aware of your Inner Dialogue. Possible Possible Behaviour
Feelings
“Who does s/he think Anger Aggression
s/he is?”
“How could s/he behave Hurt Non-assertion
like that in my
classroom?”
“This looks nasty: I’d Fear Non-assertion
better go along with it”
“He’s getting annoyed Calmness Assertion
but I’ve seen this
before”.
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32. How can I Get Myself To React Less?
• Keep control of your own behaviour so you can
respond assertively.
• Become aware of your own ‘inner dialogue’.
• “Professionals who behave confidently and who
give the impression that things are under control
are less likely to be assaulted or to witness
assaults”.
• Plan for problem involvement of a second adult.
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33. Communication is the key!
• “The majority of situations, where there is
a potential for violence, can be handled
through communication”.
(Quote from ‘Managing Aggression’. HMP)
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34. Defusion Strategies
Staff should seek to:-
• Appear confident. • Avoid arguing &
• Display calmness. confrontation.
• Create some space. • Show you are
listening.
• Speak slowly, gently
& clearly. • Calm the student
before trying to solve
• Lower your voice
problem.
• Avoid staring
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35. Defusion Strategies.
• Give a clear statement of what you want: “ I want
you to....”
• Stick to your statement. Repeating as
necessary. (Stuck needle technique)
• Deflect the student’s responses, the ones that
undermine your statement: e.g. irrelevances,
arguing etc.
• Preface re-statements with recognition of their
view, “I’ve heard your reason for.......I want you
to.....”
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36. Defusion Strategies.
Choice Take up time
Gives pupils some Allows pupils not to lose
control over the face. Watching and
situation; is less likely waiting is, in a way,
to initiate point-blank issuing a challenge. We
refusal. need to be clear about
expectations.
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37. Defusion Strategies
Partial agreement ‘When...then’ direction
‘Maybe you were This is trying to avoid the
talking about your work negative - 'No you
but now I would like cannot go out because
you to...' you have not finished
your work' becomes
'When you have finished
your work, then you can
go out'.
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38. Defusion Strategies
Privately understood Tactical ignoring
signals Appropriate for
For drawing the class attention-seeking
together or to monitor behaviour or 2nd, focus
the noise level. on 1st behaviour.
Praise the nearby
pupil..
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39. Defusion Strategies
Redirect behaviour Consequences &
sanctions
By reminding students In line with school
what they should be policy.
doing. Implemented clearly
Avoid getting bogged and consistently.
down in discussions •detention or ‘catch-
about what is wrong. up’ ??
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40. Defusion Strategies.
Deferred
consequences
Deal with issue later - it
removes the 'audience’.
Avoids confrontation.
A quiet 1:1 is more
likely to have a positive
outcome.
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41. Defusion Strategies.
Non threatening body posture:
• Use a calm, open posture (sitting or standing).
• Reduce direct eye contact (confrontational ?).
• Allow the student adequate personal space.
• Keep both hands visible.
• Avoid sudden movements.
• Avoid audiences.
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42. Defusion Strategies.
• “Flip the script”.
• “Stuck needle” technique.
• “Breakaways”
• “Four Step” strategy.
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43. Reflect & Review & Resolve!
• Please think over what we have touched upon.
• What three things will you add to your personal
toolkit?
1. .
2. .
3. .
• Now we need to complete the School evaluation
sheet.
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44. Timeless Thoughts!
• “Punishment hardens and numbs, it produces
obstinacy, it sharpens the sense of alienation
and strengthens the power of resistance”.
Nietzsche.
• “It is difficult to fight against anger; for a man will
buy revenge with his soul”.
Heracleitus
(Aristotle ‘The Politics’)
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