1. Sexual Research
Directly from the desk of Dr. Celestial Bawdy
“Who the hell is Dr Bawdy,” you might ask?
Are you one of the few who don’t know who Dr. Bawdy is? After taking
a moment to recover from your embarrassment, read on.
Dr. Celestial Bawdy, DFA, PHC, BO, LSMFT, is an esteemed scientist
of human behavior who mysteriously vanished more than 150 years ago,
and, after a brief sojourn in the nethersphere, suddenly reappeared on
earth to share his life’s work with archivist and historian Lawrence
Paros.
Dr. Bawdy is here to serve you—to help guide you through the shoals of
ignorance surrounding the issue of sex and enable you to better understand
what's happening, sexually speaking in today’s culture.
You can find more
http://bawdylanguage.com/blog

2. The Gospel According to Dr. Bawdy
The Jesus no one knows: Husband, Father, and Lover
Sh-hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!…
Don't tell anyone!
It's between You, Me, and the crucifix.

3. The Jesus no one knows: Introduction
Dr. Bawdy historical finding.
Jesus, a married man and to Mary Magdalene no less!
Could it be?
During a recent archeological dig, I chanced on an ancient
dumpster. At the very bottom, I found nestled between a moldy
ham and cheese sandwich and a ravaged condom—three
rectangular pieces of faded papyri, each no more than 10
centimeters in length.
Drawing on my vast linguistic storehouse, I quickly determined that what I had found was fourth
century Coptic. Hours of laborious translation revealed the eight lines of the first in black ink to
be a partial shopping list: “Pistachios, fruit, toilet paper, and milk,” it read. “Make sure not to
forget the milk.” It was signed: “To Jesus, from his loving wife and truest disciple.” Hugs and
kisses, Mary M. XXX.
Could it be? Jesus, a married man and to Mary Magdalene no less! My findings set off a
firestorm amongst the church fathers. Traditionalists disputed the authenticity of the papyrus and
its provenance. Professor Sidney Icon, holder of the Chaste chair of Divinity at the All-Christ
seminary in Poughkeepsie called the find “a cheap fake intended by Bawdy to simply promote
his blog.”
The Reverend Chutney Chilworth, director of New York University’s Institute for the Study of
Ancient Crap, however, championed my position, declaring the papyrus to be the find of a
century and its meaning unambiguous. He told the Times, “It’s hard to construct a scenario that
is at all plausible in which someone fakes something like this. The world is not really crawling
with crooked papyrologists.”
You may have heard of the so-called Apocryphal gospels – these were the ones church
authorities later decided were not authentic enough to include in the Bible – because they
contained woman-friendly reference. They include the gospel of Thomas, and the Gnostic,
heretical, gospel of Philip, discovered at Nag Hammadi in Egypt in 1945 – written in Coptic in
the fourth century, both of which hinted at a Jesus marriage.
Add to the list, the Gospel According to Bawdy.
The second papyrus revealed the details of the Jesus relationship with women and with his own
sexuality: Everything you always wanted to know about Jesus, The Man, The Father, The Lover.

4. The Jesus no one knows: In the Beginning
Mary and Jesus first met at a Hillel House Mixer around Succoth. The other young people there
were imbibing rather heavily in Manischewitz. Jesus sat alone in a corner sipping seltzer. He was
the quiet one there. Mary M always had a soft spot for cool, earthy types. And he surely was
one—long hair, sandals, and that certain je ne c’est quoi of one who hadn’t bathed for weeks.
Unlike a lot of the other Jewish boys, he was also good with his hands. Came from a long line of
carpenters, you know. They hit it off from the start.
Mary was “a good time girl,” liked to sleep around and get paid for it. No big deal—nothing
more than just a trick. Here a trick, there a trick, everywhere a trick-trick. You might find it more
acceptable, if you just think of a trick as a minor miracle of sorts. It will also helps you to better
understand Jesus’ attraction to her.
Jesus was immediately taken with her unique talents. Her reputation preceded her. Connoisseurs
raved how she gave best hand job West of Galilee. You may have heard of the last temptation.
Well, Mary M was the first.
In addition to Mary, Jesus was also taken with her associates. It seems he had this thing for bad
girls, and dedicated lots of hours to helping Mary M and her colleagues get organized, fighting
alongside them for better working hours and better conditions. And they, in turn, helped organize
on his behalf.

5. The Jesus no one knows: Going Steady
Their courtship was short but sweet. We have accounts of Jesus kissing Mary—which didn’t sit
to well with Jesus’ buddies who were jealous of the attention paid her. A few, however, stood by
his choice. The second-century gospel of St Mary quotes a disciple called Levi having told Peter:
“If the Savior made her worthy, who are you to reject her? Certainly the Savior knows her very
well. That is why he loved her more than us.” Hey, a guy’s gotta do , what a guy’s gotta do.
As to accusations of having fornicated with Mary M, Jesus initially denied them vigorously “I
did not have sex with that woman!” he proclaimed indignantly. He did, after all, have a public
image to uphold. Thanks to his legal team, he also had a great definition of “sex.”
Eventually though, push came to shove, and Jesus succumbed to Mary M’s blandishments. It
wasn’t easy however. Jesus was, shall we say, somewhat “confused” about what was happening.
If the truth be known, Jesus was not totally at home with his sexuality. That’s perfectly
understandable, given his parentage. Everything he knew about sex he had picked up from his
foster father, Joseph. And that, alas, wasn’t much.

6. When Jesus pressed Joseph for the details of his own birth, the best he could get was a mumbled
and somewhat cryptic “Heaven only knows.”
Though he and Mary M finally succeeded at carnal relations, he was pretty clumsy at it and over
time grew frustrated holding himself to blame as when he spilled his seed on the ground, taking
himself to task afterwards and screaming to the heavens, “What should Jesus do?” Mary could
only wonder would he ever?
The Jesus no one knows: Settling into Marriage
Sex be hanged, they joined in holy matrimony; for what good reason? God only knows.
And so, like all normal couples, they settled into the routine of a day to day relationship. He took
out the garbage; drove the kids to soccer practice. And like all couples, they argued over small
things. He squeezed the toothpaste out the wrong (insisting all the time, he had the capabilities to
return it to the tube), and pulled the blanket away from her at night.

7. He shopped for her and the kids, but had this thing about bread, always bringing home enough to
feed the entire village. He loved her cooking, especially her meatloaf. But of all the meals, it was
breakfast he loved most.
Certain of his habits particularly riled her. How was it she wondered that he could raise others
from the dead, but could never lower the toilet seat. He, in turn, was annoyed when she took her
work home with her.
As with most married couples, over time, sex became a mundane and infrequently practiced
procedure. They had sex on the Sabbath and every Passover (That night being different than all
others), after which she said, “Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” Passover however came
only once a year. Jesus, regretably, had other fish to fry.
As a good family man and father, Jesus loved children—not only his own but his neighbors as
well. He frequently said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them.” Many
considered it rather strange that a thirty-something long-haired dude had such a thing about kids.
But that’s Jesus for you. Whatta guy!

8. It was on this rock, he would build his church. And it would be this same love of children which
would help establish a long and cherished history of pederasty within the Catholic Church.
The Jesus no one knows: The Marital Chasm
The seventh year of their marriage, Jesus developed a severe itch, began spending less and less
time at home, and going out evenings with the guys. He headed up a rock group called the
“Disciples,” surrounded by fawning devotees and dogged by groupies attracted to his mystique.
Mary M meanwhile sat at alone with the kids at home, lonely and despairing, forced to take in
work at home to support the family—left desolate and wondering would Jesus ever return to her
and the kids.

9. And that, dear reader is where the second papyrus leaves off—the fate of their marriage hanging
in the balance. It is left to our imagination to consider the outcome.
PS
Oh yes, as Jesus rose again, so did Mary M in what some called a total makeover.

10. Jesus Top Ten Sexual Miracles
1. He causeth testosterone to rain down from the heavens
2. He maketh foot fetishes au rigeur
3. He causeth an undescended testicle to ascend back into the scrotum
Annual Celebration of that event

11. 4. He causeth a flat-chested woman to blossom fully into a C ( for Christ) cup
causing the young men of the village to hardenth
5.He raiseth Lazarus’ penis from the dead
6. He restoreth the sight of young men blinded from masturbation and as an
added bonus, returned the motion to their wrists.

12. 7. He melteth a frigid woman and then walketh upon her still waters, rescuing
her husband from her unbridled passion
8. He maketh the limp handshake fashionable in the Gay community
9. He createth the Second Coming

13. 10.He causeth women everywhere to call upon him at special moments
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