Attachment

ATTACHMENT: Myths,
Truths, Theories, & How To
Create It
Presented by: Brenda McCreight Ph.D., R.S.W.

Introduction
 What is attachment?
 How abuse, neglect, and pre-natal
exposure to toxins impact attachment
 How changing caregivers impacts
attachment
 The brain and attachment
 How parents can develop positive
attachment relationships with their
children
 Maintaining attachment during
adolescence

Attachment Theory
 Formulated primarily by John
Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth to
account for the impact of early
separation and trauma on the
child
 Is currently the most
prominent theory regarding
early socio-emotional
development
 Is based on research methods
that have been generalized in a
way that would not be
accepted today
 Brenda McCreight Ph.D. workshop series

 Attachment theory is
being updated and
influenced by
developments in
neurobiology and by the
interaction with other
professional research
such as neuroscience,
psychiatry,
traumatology, &
developmental theory –
but not everyone pays
attention to the
changes!

 In the current use of the term, almost any
behavior or relationship problem can be
*diagnosed* as attachment disorder
 Yet, there is almost no recent or
neurodevelopmentally based research on
the long term relationship building
capacity of children who experience early
neglect/abuse + multiple/changing
caregivers
 Children may have many challenging
behaviours, but these could be from
other disorders such as fasd, adhd,
autism, ptsd, etc
 .

Basic Ideas on How
Attachments are Formed
 The infant is born wired and driven to form and
maintain attachments to a caregiver (later we’ll
talk about how pre-natal exposure to toxins and
other experiences harms this)
 We have hormones and chemicals that release in
our brains to facilitate attachment
 Attachment is about survival & emotional
regulation
 Babies and children will do whatever is necessary
to maintain their attachments and to stay alive –
but emotional dysregulation can get in the way
of their connection with others
 The baby uses the attachment figure as a “secure
base”

 All babies try to attach but
the security of the
attachment depends on how
the caregivers respond to
the child = if the caregiver is
doing it right (or mostly
right) – the baby’s brain will
develop normally – if the
caregiver is neglectful or
abusive – the baby will
become overwhelmed with
stress & trauma and there
will be long term problems

Early attachment
experiences….
 Become the groundwork for later
emotional development & emotional self
regulation
 Influence how the brain develops, what
parts work properly, and how the brain
will be physically structured
 Children learn how relationships work
from the early attachments
 The life long impact of early attachment is
reflected in children’s relationships with
others, with their self-regulation, and with
their emotional openness
 Help the baby manage stress – this is
important because too much stress is harmful to
the brain – at any age!

Attachment behaviours
include…
 Proximity Seeking - The baby
can leave the parent but will
check to see that she is still
near and the baby will return
when she’s had enough of the
world or just needs a
reassuring touch.
 Separation Anxiety –
Anxiety/stress that occurs
when the attachment figure
is absent, abusive,
unpredictable, chaotic, or
neglectful.

Attachment and the developing
brain…
 Current neurobiological models of
attachment focus on the formation of
the right brain (Schore, 1994, 2001a).
The right brain is in charge of:
 Tone of voice
 Facial expression
 Gestures
 Posture
 Intensity of response
 Autobiographical memory
(remembering significant events)
 Map of the body (only on this side)
 Stress Management

It‟s all about interaction…
 Things like tone of voice,
gestures, intensity of
response, & stress
management are all vital
in the way a mom and
an infant interact
 If the infant can’t pick up
on these cues, or no one
is giving the cues, then
the attachment process
is at risk of not
developing

Attachment dance…
 Baby fusses or cries, mom
automatically touches or
soothes, not always noticing that
she does this
 Baby responds by calming –
heart beat & breathing smooth
out
 Mom and baby both feel better
 Parts of both of the brains in
both mom and baby light up
during this dance
 Feel good hormones such as
oxytocin are released in both
mom and baby

 Baby learns to calm when
mommy nears
 From learning to be
soothed by mommy, baby
transfers the experience to
self soothing
 This is the beginning of
emotional self regulation
 The parts of the brain that
handle self regulation are
stimulated and set up to
work for the rest of
baby‟s life

Where do some parents mis-
step in this dance?
 Parent fails to read infant/child
cues
 Fails to respond to the child’s
cues
 Interprets crying as something
the child is doing to the parent,
rather than as the child
displaying a need
 Turns away from the child when
the child is needy
 Keeps the child close, or pushes
child away, according to the
needs and mood of the parent,
not the needs and mood of the
baby

Continued…
 Rejects or fails to initiate
affection with the baby
 Ridicules the child’s needs
 Frightens the child by
aggressive behaviours or
violence or unpredictable
behaviours
 Research indicates that the
mother’s behaviour has more
influence than the baby’s
behaviour or temperament
on the development of
attachment

Challenges to attachment…
 Pre-natal exposure to
drugs and/or alcohol
 Neglectful parenting
 Abusive parenting
 Unresponsive/un-
nurturing/robotic
parenting
 Chaotic or violent
environment
 Multiple/changing
caregivers

Pre-natal exposure
 Fetal alcohol spectrum disorder is the diagnostic term
used to identify the permanent impact of alcohol on the
formation of the embryonic and fetal brain.
 It is called a Disorder because it alters the way the brain
forms which results in permanent long term challenges in
learning, in behaviour, in relationship formation and in
emotional regulation.
 It is considered to be part of a spectrum of disorders because
every brain is unique and the damage done to the brain can
be different in different people.

FASD characteristics are
lifelong…- Learning disabilities
- Very little impulse control
- Inability to relate behaviour to consequences
- Very forgetful
- Poor boundaries
- Often has concurrent adhd
- Challenges with planning or following through with plans
- Can’t take what is learned in one situation and apply it to another
- Poor social/peer skills due to immature social behaviours
- Can’t manage time or money or most abstract concepts – concrete
thinkers
- Doesn’t recognize or respond to patterns of behaviour
- Emotional dysregulation

 These characteristics, beginning in infancy, can make it
impossible for the baby to be part of the dance
 The baby may not perceive that the mommy always
responds
 The baby may not be able to take what she has learned
about being soothed by mommy and generalizing the
experience to being able to self soothe
 Research shows that fasd
interferes with the baby‟s
ability to manage stress
 Therefore, there is no capacity to
develop emotional self regulation
Brenda McCreight Ph.D. workshop series

 The same parts of the
brain that are harmed by
neglect and abuse are
also harmed by fasd.
 If the attachment
relationship is weak, it
can make the symptoms
of fasd worse

Neglectful and/or abusive
parenting…
 When the quality of the parenting is poor, or the baby is neglected,
or the baby is abused…. the baby experiences stress.
 The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study is one of the
largest investigations ever conducted to assess associations
between childhood maltreatment (which causes infant stress) and
later-life health and well-being.
• Neglect, abuse, and living in violence all cause infant/childhood
stress and are major risk factors for the leading causes of illness
and death as well as poor health and poor quality of life in
adolescence and adulthood.
• Brenda McCreight Ph.D. workshop series

Developmental Dysfunction and Mental Health
Disorders
 Studies show that children with a history of
abuse or neglect, have these problems:
 significant problems in developmental and
cognitive
domains, ultimately affecting academic
ability
 Specific deficits in attention, in abstract
reasoning, in impulse control, and in long-
term memory for
 verbal information
 Significant decrease in IQ

Even more…
 Development of adolescent and adult mental health disorders
 At high risk for suicidal thoughts
 By eight years of age, approximately 10% of maltreated children
experience suicidal ideation
 Re-victimization throughout childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.
• Dysfunctional Parenting and dysfunctional adolescent and adult
relationships
 A childhood history of maltreatment is associated with dysfunctional
interpersonal relations in adulthood. Compared to
 Adults with a childhood history of abuse and neglect report twice as many
subsequent sexual assaults, higher rates of domestic violence, and four
times the rat of self-harm
 Inappropriate maternal dependence on children for emotional fulfillment

Non-nurturing…
 Let’s start by explaining what nurturing does:
 Nurturing helps to develop a larger
hippocampus,(the brain region important for
learning, memory and stress management)
• Researchers found a connection between early
social experiences (parent/child interaction) and
the volume of the amygdala, (the brain region
that regulates the processing and memory of
emotional experiences).
• Researchers also found that children raised in a
nurturing environment do better in school and
are more emotionally developed than their non-
nurtured peers.

Therefore…
 Babies who don’t receive
adequate nurturing are at
high risk of not achieving
full brain development
 They will do poorly in
school both academically
and socially
 They will not develop
emotional regulation, and
this will lead to even more
problems in life

Why do parents fail to
nurture?
 The primary parent is in an abusive relationship
 The primary parent is in a violent and/or deprived
environment
 The primary parent has an addiction problem
 The primary has an attachment disorder
 The primary parent has a mental health challenge (including
depression) or a developmental delay that precludes
nurturing
 Primary parent lacks social support with difficult baby or in
hard times
 The primary parent was abused/neglected as a child

Changing caregivers…
 Babies can adjust to some changes in caregivers as long as the
primary caregiver is stable and available
 Babies can adjust to the other parent, to sitters, to grandparents
etc
 Babies cannot adjust to multiple strangers without a primary
caregiver to return to
 Babies cannot adjust to continual loss of caregivers
 Each move to a new caregiver places the baby under stress (and
now we know what stress does to the baby’s brain)
 Eventually the baby will stop giving attachment cues and will
manage the stress by either withdrawal or by continued distress

Creating attachment in
infants…it isn‟t rocket science!
 Remember – the baby is born ready to
begin the attachment process – she wants
to attach and she wants to belong to the
primary caregiver
 The primary caregiver doesn’t have to be
perfect to create a healthy attachment –
she only has to be
good enough most of
the time

Support for the mom…
 Healthy attachment with your baby means taking care of yourself
 Its important to take care of yourself in order to build a secure
attachment bond with your infant.
 Try to get enough sleep. Sleep deprivation can make you irritable
and even crazy. Try to trade night duty (on for two nights, off for
two nights) with the other parent or with another adult, or to have
at least one morning a week to sleep late.
 Ask for help around the house. You can’t do it all.
• Take a break from the baby on occasion. Caring for a baby is
demanding and can wear you out – so leave the baby with a safe
adult once in a while so you can take an hour in a coffee shop ,go
for a walk alone or with a friend, go to a yoga class, or do
something you want to do.

Continued…
 Find ways to calm yourself in stressful times. The baby will
pick up on your stress – if you are crying, the baby will cry
too.
 Learn some breathing exercises to help you calm down and
de-stress your brain. Its okay to let your baby cry a minute
longer so that you can take a deep breath before picking your
baby up and trying to soothe him or her.
 Find reliable help. Don’t think you have to do it all yourself.
Try to get help from your spouse, your friends, your family
members, or a babysitter to help hold or care for your baby
during fussy times of the day.
 Take a walk. Get up and move. It’s hard to move if you feel
depressed but do it anyway – it will help you de-stress.

Self regulation for parents…
 The key to developing or enhancing
your self-regulatory capacity is
>>>>>>>> learn how to manage
your own stress and the problems
it creates!

Some famous people‟s thoughts on
stress
 I have been through some terrible things, some of which actually
happened – Mark Twain
 Drop the idea that you are Atlas carrying the world on your shoulders. The
world will go on without you. Don’t take yourself so seriously – Norma
Vincent Peale
 When I hear someone sigh “Life is hard” I am always tempted to ask
“Compared to what?”
 One must pick and choose one’s battles in life or risk living in many
emotional foxholes – Donald S. Neviaser
 If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing
itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to
revoke at any moment – Marcus Aurelius

Stress is a biological response
to:
An event
A task
A person
A thought
A behavior
A situation
A relationship

Sudden stress , as well as
chronic stress, causes:
 Increased heart rate
Reduced immune function
 Increased breathing (lungs dilate)
Decreased digestive activity
 Liver releases glucose for energy

• Stress overwhelms and over activates
the limbic system
• Information that is coming in from the
external world is misunderstood or
misinterpreted
• The brain is looking for trouble
• This makes
events, feelings, relationships, tasks
etc seem to important, too
imminent, too frightening, to
threatening, too difficult, and too un-
resoveable

Chronic stress makes all of
these stop working…

Chronic stress can lead to
anxiety…

Chronic anxiety can lead to…
 Constant worrying
Feeling like your anxiety or worry is beyond your control
Intrusive thoughts about that make you feel anxious
Can’t tolerate any lack of structure or unanticipated change
Constant feelings of dread or edginess
Can’t relax
Can’t focus or concentrate
Even small tasks feel overwhelming
Certain situations or places trigger anxiety without any accompanying
behaviour or event
Physical tension throughout the body resulting in joint or muscle pain


Little things mean a lot…
 Remember – the anxiety trigger
doesn‟t have to be a real threat or a
big deal
 It can be a „here we go again”
response to a stressor
 ie phone ringing = call from angry
school principal or police so heart
starts racing and the anxiety cycle
kicks in

And here‟s what happens
next…
 Short term memory problems
 Inability to concentrate
 Poor judgment, can‟t evaluate
 Focusing on the negative
 Anxious, worrying thought
 Irritability
 Inability to relax
 Feeling overwhelmed
 Sense of loneliness and isolation

Stress can lead to, or co-exist
with depression…

Symptoms of depression…
 Depressed mood (in children this can
present as an irritable mood and can
also lead to aggressive behavior)
and / or
 Markedly diminished interest or
pleasure in all or almost all activities
most of the day, nearly every day
 Impairment in functioning
 Must be present for two weeks

Still more…
 Fatigue or loss of energy
 Diminished ability to think or
concentrate
 Significant weight change
 Recurrent thoughts of death or
suicidal ideation (with or without a
plan)
 Sleep disorder
 Inability to concentrate
 Loss of interest

 Your child and you may both be
suffering from depression.
 If you think you or anyone in your
family has any or all of these
symptoms, please seek professional
help right away.
 In addition to professional help, you
might also like to consider some of
these methods that you can do on
your own, or that will require a
licensed and trained professional.

 Exercise daily, even if only for
15 minutes, 30 minutes
daily is great
 Have firm boundaries about
what you can, will, and won’t
do for others and what you can,
will, and won’t tolerate in others
 Meditate daily, a 5 minute meditation is better than no
meditation but a 15 or 30 minute meditation is super
 Talk about your feelings with someone else who is in the
same boat – that is, another parent, or attend a support
group either in person or online

 Yoga
 Biofeedback
 Neurofeedback
 EMDR
 Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
 EFT (Tapping)
 There are many
good therapies – find
the one that works for
you
 Put yourself first –
you are the basis of
the family – if you
sink, all will sink

Reminder…
 You have stress, depression, anxiety – your child
does, too – that is what happens to people when
their emotional states are not self-regulated
 Monitor your own capacity to self-regulate so that
 a) you can continue to be healthy and
emotionally stable
 b) you can role model emotional health to your
child
 c) the rest of your family can continue to enjoy
life

Parenting for healthy
attachment
 If you have parented your child from conception,
attachment should not be a problem and the
following strategies will be effective
 If your child has experienced disruptive attachment
relationships, then the same strategies will be
effective in the long run, but nothing will make things
happen as fast as you would like – these strategies
will build the neural circuits that should have been
built in her first year of life, but this will be a long
process – so be patient and don’t give up!!!!

Parenting strategies with
babies…
 Hold your baby – carry him in your arms, or in
a sling/carrier. He needs to feel your heart
beating.
 Read and talk to your baby – the sound of
your voice is her cue that the world is safe.
Reading to her expands the vocabulary she
hears and triggers more neurons to start
firing.
 Play games ie hide and seek, or this little
piggy. It provides fun and happy hormones as
well as teaching the baby how to get excited
and how to calm down again.

Continued…
 Kiss the baby – it floods the brains of both
mom and baby with oxytocin (a feel good
hormone)
 Talk to the baby when you leave the room -
this teaches him that you still exist when you
aren‟t in sight
 Massage the baby – the stimulation on the
skin is good for the baby and is calming
 Give the baby warm,
soothing bathes –
these promote the same
things as massage.

MOST IMPORTANTLY>>>
 Be present – emotionally, physically,
psychologically
 Be safe – calm, capable, stable
 Be predictable – reliable, constant
 Be responsive – learn what your baby
needs and provide it
 Be loving – demonstrate the love
through touch, voice, care
 Be protective - keep the environment
safe – no violence, no chaos, no angry
voices

Pre-school & early childhood
years…
 Tell her you love her every day
 Show him you love him every day, hug, play, laugh, smile, eye contact
 Listen to the feelings underneath the words she uses
 Show respect for his thoughts and opinions by listening to them and not ridiculing
what he thinks
 Include your child in discussions about what is happening in the family – family
vacations, friends visiting, school
 Tell your child when plans change
 Touch your child affectionately with hugs, pats on the back, sitting together to read,
cuddling on the couch
 Model what you want your child to learn about kindness, manners, etc
 Give her age-appropriate responsibilities at home
 Acknowledge & praise your child when he does things well or right or at least tries
 Don’t yell, insult, shame, spank, or use sarcasm

Later childhood…
 Everything we‟ve already talked about
can continue at an age appropriate
level
 Decide what to modify and what to
drop or add by the cues from the child
ie “Don‟t hug me in front of my
friends!!!” or wanting to play with the
parent in different ways such as going
to movies or bowling or playing board
games instead of cuddling on the
couch
or going to a park.

Some things you shouldn‟t
do…
 Don’t hit
 Don’t spank
 Don’t ridicule
 Don’t over punish
 Don’t try to win
 These things don’t work, and some are
not legal!

Discipline…
 If you have parented your child from
conception – then discipline will be easier
and more effective
 If you have started parenting your child at
a later stage in her life – choose what you
will consequence and be prepared to let
lots of things go
 This is a one step at a time process for
children who require later stage help with
emotional regulation development

Continued…
 Re-direct to an activity that is acceptable to you ie “No, you can’t have a
cookie now so put them back – would you like an apple?” If the child will
only accept a cookie – then too bad, stay firm
 Time in – have your child sit near you ie at the kitchen table playing with
leggo or colouring or playing with an electronic thingy – only until the child
is calm
 Use a naughty chair – have the child sit in a specific location – until he has
calmed – the older child version of this is to send him to his room – don’t
worry if the door is slammed on the way – that’s just his way of
discharging cortisol

Continued…
• Take away a desired activity or item – but don’t take
away something that you can’t return or that will
cause greater problem
• Add chores that can be done without your
supervision and can be easily observed as completed
ie rake the yard till you have 3 bags of leaves
• The point of discipline is to make a point – not to win
• Use family meetings as a time to negotiate changing
rules – don’t do it in the moment
• Stay calm and stay firm

Attachment in the teen
years…
 This is a time of transition and change
 What worked at 10 won’t work at 14
 This is a natural time of de-tachment –
the teen is in a life stage in which she is
moving toward independence – she has a
biological drive to seek life beyond the
family
 Attachment and the relationship between
parent and child is vital at this life stage

Relationship strategies…
 Recognize that the teen still needs the you
 Stay available by being supportive of positive endeavors, and be actively
involved wherever you can
 Help him plan for the big transitions, such as first year of high school –
what clothes should he have? What sports does he want to play?
 Who are his friends?
 Listen to her concerns about social approval and peer pressure.
 Talk about values – movies and tv shows are a good starting point for such
conversations
 Give reasons for the limits you set –
don’t expect him to like them,
but listen to his reasons against them

Continued…
 Just because a mood is caused by a shifting hormone doesn’t
mean it doesn’t matter – be supportive of fears and feelings
 Find things you can still do together – go to movies, go
bowling, take short trips, go shopping
 Pay attention to the kids your kid is hanging out with
 Try to keep her engaged in healthy activities
 Recognize the never ending importance of your relationship
with their teen for adjustment, despite her increasing
disinterest in family life and her increasing interest in peers
 Be aware of, and monitor, his involvement with various peer
groups and their activities at school

Continued…
 Understand that as adolescents move into romantic relationships
they can still benefit from parents’ emotional support and
guidance.
 Talk openly about sex and sexual health
 Be available to discuss feelings, values and decision making
 Negotiate when possible
 Eat meals together
 What do you do to stay connected to your teen?
 Brenda McCreight Ph.D. Workshop series

Disciplining from an attachment
base…
 Be clear with your rules and expectations – be aware that these
may need to shift and be flexible
 Don’t argue – you will lose - just state your position and listen
 Use grounding as long as it works
 Remove privileges as long as this works
 Negotiate – but not beyond your values or safety
 Expect challenges to your authority
 Keep everything about health and safety
 Don’t power struggle – you will lose

 BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL!!!!!
 And remember these:
 Be present – emotionally, physically,
psychologically
 Be safe – calm, capable, stable
 Be predictable – reliable, constant
 Be responsive – learn what your teen needs
and provide it
 Be loving – demonstrate the love through
touch, voice, care
 Be protective - keep the environment safe –
no violence, no chaos, no angry voices

Thank you for sharing this time with me.
 You can check out other services and products at these sites:
 http://www.lifespancounselling.com
 http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com
 http://www.hazardousparenting.com
 The Hazardous Parenting facebook site
 Udemy.com (search under Brenda McCreight)
 Slideshare.com (search under Brenda McCreight)
 Amazon.com (search under Brenda McCreight)
 brendamccreight@gmail.com
 Brenda provides counselling and parent coaching worldwide via skype, telephone, and
email – please contact her by email if you would like to book an appointment.

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