A very powerful presentation about the effects of divorce on children and the best way to divorce if you have to

1. Divorce! Rescue or Disaster? Wrong choices threaten your family and your assets

2. Divorce! Rescue or Disaster? Wrong choices threaten your family and your assets

3. Divorce numbers are staggering Risk of loss during divorce is very high Money and children form the basis for legal disputes Contentious divorces are like a war – nobody really wins Divorce is never so horrible that you cannot make it worse Areas Covered 3

5. You are not willing to take it any more 5 But most of all you are thinking about divorce because You feel you MUSTget out… now!

7. That would mean that in just the couples alone there were over 2 million people involved

8. There are at least 8 divorces every minute of every business day in the United States

9. 75% of filings were by women6 And there are a lot of people just like you Sources: National Vital Statistics Reports – NVSS – CDEC- US Dept of Health and Human Services – Data for 2006 – 8/28/2007 – volume 55, number 20

11. I am afraid that I will lose my assets

12. I will lose it all…7 What’s wrong?

14. I want to help raise my children

15. I want to keep my assets8 What do I want?

16. Hire a mediator Take the high road Consult the correct experts Take the shortest path Save the co-parenting relationship 9 How do I get what I want?

17. Digging into the issues…Divorce candestroy your family

19. There may be a threat to harm you or a person or pet loved by you

20. It could result in unjust punishment to children – “I have to do this because of you”

21. The children could be involved – “See what your *mommy or daddy* has done. *She or he* has been bad and must be punished11 There is danger when you reveal your intention Sources: Recognizing Abuse in a Legal Divorce – Laura Johnson – SmartDivorce.com

23. Name calling and labeling with the intention of making you sick

24. Obsessive control over your actions and schedule

25. Taking away your freedoms12 You may need to protect yourself from: Sources: Recognizing Abuse in a Legal Divorce – Laura Johnson – SmartDivorce.com

27. 52% Fear of living alone (even with children)

28. 57% Getting on with a “new” normal life

29. 67% Trouble trusting God again

30. 75% Out of place in social situations

31. 80% Loneliness is the greatest fear13 Knowing what mayhappen to you is hard Sources: Divorce, Abuse and Stress – Poll Results for Women by April Lorier – 2007 eZine

32. Children of divorced families are (more than) twice as likely to suffer serious social, psychological, emotional or academic problems 14 Knowing what may happen to your children is even harder Sources: NPR Interview – 01/31/2002 – E. Mavis Hetherington, professor emeritus of psychology at U of Virginia

33. 15 Seven critical mistakesin divorce Making legal and financial mistakes based on emotion Negotiating without all the important information and documents Thinking that the divorce process must be adversarial Thinking that divorce has to be expensive Not getting professional help Not knowing the real value of your assets Not controlling the process Sources: Avoiding the Seven Critical Mistakes in Divorce – Joan Coullahan, CDFA, LLC - 2005

34. 16 On top of everything elsethere are predators Divorce Attorneys generally charge by the hour ($200 - $400) – it is in their interest to create a contentious situation using as much time as possible Truthfully, your lawyer IS NOT YOUR FRIEND! They are not therapists, experts on taxes nor financial strategists. Use them as little as possible… Sources: Morning Call (Allentown, PA) – Gregory Carp – July 9th, 2006 – Divorce breaks pocketbooks as well as hearts

35. What to expect during a divorce…

37. If the wife initiates the divorce the husband will often link the house and kids to saving the structure of his life

38. The ideology of 75% of the custody fights is ‘You want a divorce, you go; I’ll keep the house and kids’18 Once the process has started things may escalate Sources: Denver Rocky Mountain News – Mark Wolf quoting Sam Margulies author of the book – A Man’s Guide to Civilized Divorce – July 24th, 2004

39. I will tell the court about your behavior and you will never get the children. Why are you trying to take my money from me? Either do this my way, or you won’t get a dime. I'll go to jail before I'll pay you a dime. I'll quit my job before I'll pay you that amount of support. 19 You may start to hear threats Sources: Dishon & Block, APC Aaron Dishon, Esq. California Divorce Attorney – California Divorce.info – 12/11/2007 – Top Threats Made During A Divorce

40. Your attorney is a loser/inexperienced OR my attorney can represent you as well as I, why don’t we just save money and use one attorney. Your attorney is making me provide all kinds of documents. Call him and tell him to cancel all “discovery” requests”, he is just running up your bill. You'll never see the kids again. I will drag out this case forever-- I would rather pay my attorney than pay you—I will fight you to the bitter end. I am going to file for divorce in Nevada (or some other state or country). 20 And more threats… Sources: Dishon & Block, APC Aaron Dishon, Esq. California Divorce Attorney – California Divorce.info – 12/11/2007 – Top Threats Made During A Divorce

42. ”…children will say the divorce was the worst thing that happened in their lives – and I have never seen a victimless divorce.”

43. Parents may begin to act emotionally and irrationally about the children

44. They will attempt to cut off the other spouse’s contact with the children

45. They may use the children as “spies” or messengers

46. Often the other parent is criticized in front of the child21 And your childrennow start to suffer Sources: NPR Interview – 01/31/2002 – E. Mavis Hetherington, professor emeritus of psychology at U of Virginia | “Guy” Ferraro, president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers – PR Newswire – June 5th, 2007 | St. Johns Law Review 2003

48. Moderate to high levels of maternal interference in the relationship with the father causes issues with intimacy

49. When the father interferes with the co-parenting relationship there are higher chances of having more difficulty of intimacy with males22 Assessing your spouse’s position on co-parenting is important Sources: Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry – 2/1/1995 – Robert Bolgar, Joel Paris, Hallie Zweig-Frank

51. Hostilities between spouses can cause children to become ‘grand-orphans’

52. Loss of these relationships is harmful to the children and often to the relatives (especially grandparents)

53. Some parents will exclude the divorcing spouse’s relatives from any contact with themselves or the children23 Even your relatives may become distant Sources: Boston Globe – Nina McCain quoting psychiatrist Arthur Kornhaber author of books on grandparents and grandchildren – 11/23/88

55. There is a huge disruption in your routine

56. You are 12 times more likely to get an illness as your immune system weakens

57. Your chances of cancer are increasing

58. You have 300% increased chance of accidents

59. The longer the divorce lasts the more deadly it becomes24 Your health starts to deteriorate Sources: MMEGI – March 9th, 2007 – Lauri Kubuitsile – Divorce Can Even Kill

60. Digging into the issues…Divorce caneat up your assets

62. Do you know your debt structure?

63. Are there stock options?

64. Are there any sheltered assets?

65. And what about the home?

66. Do you understand your equity position?26 Assessing your financial situation can be difficult

68. In California the attorney has an automatic lien on your home!

69. You may have accountant fees

70. Your spouse may have stopped cash flow and closed accounts

71. Counseling for the kids is expensive

72. The longer the actual divorce process lasts the worse everything becomes!27 And the expensesstart to roll-up

73. A Memphis divorce attorney describes it as: Lawyer Time vs Real People Time He talks about how a client was upset with him for the slow progress he was making in their case. He makes a number of points about how the legal system can be very slow, especially in contentious cases. He says that he will tell the client that he will try and “get some things done next week”. Then he goes on to say that “trying” is a low priority behind gym time, a hot date or getting a new client. His deadline is very slow to the client and “a month or two is nothing in lawyer world” 28 How does your attorney feel about the length of the divorce? Sources: Memphis Divorce Law Blog – David M. Sandy – Lawyer Time vs Real People Time – 11/26/2007

75. The savings are depleted

76. The children are devastated

77. All goodwill is lost in a fight-to-the-finish court battle

78. And grief, anger, confusion, and fear take a terrible toll on the mental, emotional and physical health of the participants29 For decades people have chosen to make enemies Sources: (Minnesota) Star Tribune April 1st, 2007 – Gail Rosenblum – A Different Divorce

79. What to expect afterwards…

81. Some parents use the children as pawns

82. Kids will say they do not want to talk about the divorce and their feelings

83. Parents will often criticize their ex which is like criticizing the child

84. Children may be hostile when you start dating

85. Children in sole-custody settings were more poorly adjusted than those in joint custody (depression, deviance, school effort, school grades)Children do not always fare well after a divorce 31 Sources: Adolescents After Divorce – Buchanan, C., Maccoby, and Dornbusch, Harvard University Press, 1996

87. 3 out of 4 custodial mothers move at least once within the four years immediately following a divorce

88. Of those that relocate, one-half move more than one time

89. One concerned, loving parent may lose their relationship through no fault of their own

90. The parent suffers – the children suffer32 Sources: St. John’s Law Review – Lucy S. McGough – April 1, 2003 – Starting over: the heuristics of family relocation decision making

92. Parallel: the parenting relationships do not interfere with each other – they may have different rules and regulations – the couple does not communicate with each other

93. Cooperative: both participate equally in raising the children – they consult on the children’s problems and the children’s activities – they are child focused and have developed a mutual respect to achieve the best result for the childSources: NPR Interview – 01/31/2002 – E. Mavis Hetherington, professor emeritus of psychology at U of Virginia

94. 34 The parenting relationship suffers – the kids pay Sources: NPR Interview – 01/31/2002 – E. Mavis Hetherington, professor emeritus of psychology at U of Virginia

96. But there is hope!There are positive steps you can take and a approach that you can use that will serve you and yours through this difficult time

97. Even though, children of divorced families are (more than) twice as likely to suffer serious social, psychological, emotional or academic problems – 80% of them make it through without these serious problems – that is your goal! 37 Divorce will cause some damage to your children, but consider… Sources: NPR Interview – 01/31/2002 – E. Mavis Hetherington, professor emeritus of psychology at U of Virginia

99. One that speeds up this intrinsically painful process

100. One that costs relatively little

101. Protects the children as much as possible

102. And attempts to avoid creating enemies38 Wouldn’t it be better to follow the peaceful route? Sources: (Minnesota) Star Tribune April 1st, 2007 – Gail Rosenblum – A Different Divorce

104. Protect your children during and after the process

105. Retain the relationships that are important to you

106. Protect your financial position as much as possible

107. CREATE NO (MORE) ENEMIES!39 If it is impossible to stay married then…

108. 40 Divorce experts agreethere is better choice The Peaceful Divorce

110. Share a daily meal (32% of divorced children do not share a daily meal with their family)

111. Make children the center of the family (66% of divorced children feel they are not)

112. Do not discuss adult topics with the children (58% say they always felt like adults) allow them to be children

113. Reinforce their safety – again and again (30% do not feel emotionally safe)41 First, minimizethe damage by… Sources: Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce – Elizabeth Marquardt

115. Tell the children that the divorce is not their fault

116. Do not use the children as spies

117. Do not criticize the other parent

118. Assist the other parent in having meaningful contact with the children42 Second, minimize the damage by being appropriately honest Sources: Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry – What About the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During and After Divorce

119. Watch for the warning signs of divorce-related depression or anxiety Changes in your child’s emotional responses Changes in your child’s behavior Let’s look at each of these to see when you might call in the professional 43 Third, minimize the damage by getting professional help Sources: Coping with Divorce – HelpGuide.org

121. Low self-esteem: comments about being worthless or stupid

122. Excessive sadness or moodiness: withdrawal

123. Irrational fears or clinginess: intense crying – separation anxiety

124. Inappropriate anger: frequent outbursts44 Be aware of changes in your child’s emotional responses Sources: Coping with Divorce – HelpGuide.org

126. Sleep problems: nightmares, bedwetting, hard to sleep, hard to wake

127. Poor concentration: forgetfulness – decline in grades

128. Drug or alcohol use: experimenting with drugs – new “at risk” friends

129. Self-injury, cutting: inflicting physical pain – physical risks

130. Suicide: talks about killing one’s self - death45 Watch for changes in your child’s behavior Sources: Coping with Divorce – HelpGuide.org

131. Help them work through distrust or pain – especially with your co-parent and co-grandparents Explain what this experience has taught you – in a positive way Encourage their appropriate relationships with friends, co-parent and grandparents 46 Protect your children by supporting their relationships

133. I feel isolated, insecure and depressed

134. I feel somehow guilty for the divorce

135. I feel pressured to take sides or spy

136. I can’t do the usual things with my friends

137. I am losing everything that is important to me – friends, home, siblings, and my neighborhood47 Getting past the distrustand betrayal in your children Sources: Practical strategies for helping children of divorce in today’s classroom – Childhood Education – Aug 1999 – Miller, Morrison, and Ryan

138. Support the school counselor Normal active – age appropriate – routine will develop some relationships Activities that include their friends Where possible involve both sets of grandparents Also aunts, uncles and cousins can help re-establish a sense of belonging Look for a support group of their peers Family Service America, Inc (800) 221-2681 is a great resource 48 Your children needvarious types of relationships Sources: Divorce and the American Family – Current Health 2 – Nov 1, 1996 – Nancy Dreger

140. You are calm and loving

141. You are an active member of your community

142. You are committed to parenting

143. You are involved with your kids

144. You are a storyteller

145. You discuss faith and religion

146. You stand by your beliefs- demonstrate integrity49 Show your kids what you would like them to become Sources: Denver Rocky Mountain News – June 6th, 1999 – Janet Simons – Teach by Example…

148. Adopt a healthy diet

149. Try stress relievers such as yoga and meditation

150. Find a support group to attend

151. Tell your kids about your successes – ask about theirs

152. But do not show you kids your anger nor your depression – their life is rough enough right now without worrying about you as well50 Control your anger and your depression – for them Sources: Newsweek – Sep 27, 2004 – For a Happy Heart; Depression, loneliness and anger all take a toll on your cardiac health.

154. Show affection and graciousness for both sets of grandparents

155. Demonstrate respect to other people

156. Refrain from dating and promiscuous behavior particularly during the divorce

157. Show interest and respect in their friends51 Demonstrate how proper relationships should function

159. Many couples are finding that with a little effort they can be friends even though they cannot be married

160. Your divorce partner will always be the other parent of any children that you share – don’t punish the children

161. The price for continuing acrimony is just too high - acknowledge your part in the failure of the marriage52 Make peace with yourdivorce partner

163. They generally want to help with the kids and may help their healing process

164. Be frank with them in requesting that they stay neutral and that they stay friends with you

165. Help them to understand that you are doing everything in your power to create a peaceful divorce

166. Listen to and acknowledge their pain53 Make efforts to reconcile with your divorce partner’s parents

167. Do not be offended when they withdraw – they are frightened and uncomfortable – it’s not personal Let them know it’s okay to keep a distance during the divorce and that you understand their discomfort Send emails or messages for birthdays and events letting them know that you consider the relationship still intact Ask to get together, maybe in a group setting, after the divorce 54 Retaining your friends means reaching out Sources: Chicago Sun-Times – Friends Fear Taking Sides When the Divorce Goes Public – Karen S. Peterson – May 25, 1995

168. Allow grieving to occur – it is a natural reaction to loss – don’t fight it – grief doesn’t so much go away as it becomes irrelevant after a time – the pain will pass if you let it… Choose to move forward – make a conscious effort to get up and move your life forward each day – set short and long term goals and make your actions move you towards them – record your progress Prioritize – List the chores that need to be done, bills paid, etc. – create a list and a plan each day and reward yourself as you accomplish the items 55 Suggestions for emotional coping Sources: Emotional Coping and Divorce – CenterSite.net – Riverwood Center

170. Therapists

171. Church leaders

173. Fields

174. Hobbies

175. Career improvements56 Emotional copingsuggestions continued Sources: Emotional Coping and Divorce – CenterSite.net – Riverwood Center

177. Keeping a journal of your thoughts and feelings

178. Distraction – entertainment – housework – attention getting tasks

179. Self-soothing – be healing and compassionate with yourself – get massages – relaxation routines – religion – yoga – exercise – retreats – vacations – etc.57 Emotional copingsuggestions continued Sources: Emotional Coping and Divorce – CenterSite.net – Riverwood Center

181. Avoid diving into a new relationship because you are lonely

182. Avoid acting on angry impulses you might have towards your ex-spouse

183. Avoid stalking your ex-spouse

184. Avoid revenge fantasies – a good life is the best revenge

185. Avoid making large decisions after your divorce for a while58 Emotional copingsuggestions continued Sources: Emotional Coping and Divorce – CenterSite.net – Riverwood Center

186. Open a checking account in your name only – try to add an amount that you may need to transition during the divorce Get a credit card(s) in your name only – establish individual credit and create an emergency resource Create a budget of your expenses as a single person – be accurate, but frugal - include the children’s expenses, if appropriate 59 Taking care of immediate financial safety Sources: A Civil Divorce – Kiplinger’s Personal Finance Magazine – July 1, 2005 – Mark K. Solheim

187. Create a list of all current assets and liabilities (you may want to hire an accountant to help you with this) Document all existing financial agreements Get copies of all existing financial documents Don’t forget taxes, insurances, beneficiaries and estate and retirement planning Check on the availability of a certified divorce financial planner 60 Financial Safety(continued) Sources: A Civil Divorce – Kiplinger’s Personal Finance Magazine – July 1, 2005 – Mark K. Solheim

189. Of those hits that express a preference, over 95% of the experts will recommend going to a Certified Mediator firstto handle your divorce and avoid the big charges

190. The advantages are many and the downside few, but this will not work for everyone

191. So let’s look at the data on the Mediator and see if this is for you61 “I’m confused by thenumber of options” Sources: Empire Research Group 2008

193. Some are therapists, some are faith based, some are even accountants and some are attorneys

194. In the peaceful divorce the primary function of the mediator is to mediate an equitable solution on the property, assets and liabilities and to help them come to a solution on visiting and parenting arrangements

195. Mediators help others coexist peacefully62 The Mediator and mediation who and what are they?

197. The mediator should be an attorney with divorce experience

198. They should have a fixed or low fee structure

199. There should be no bias

200. They should have a high success rate and a long track record63 How do I pick a mediator?

201. 64 How much might you save?

203. Don’t try to use a mediator if the contentious nature of the divorce is such that the emotions preclude any attempt at a peaceful resolution65 Who should and shouldnot use a mediator

205. Use online data to research the laws and resources available in your state and then locally hire the resource(s) that make the most sense66 Wouldn’t I save much more with an online service?

206. 67 And the one common sense financial safety strategy Make the divorce process as short as possible!

208. Belinda Rachman, ESQ – California divorce lawyer and certified Mediator

209. Robert Emery, professor of psychology at University of Virginia and author of “The Truth About Children and Divorce”

210. Constance Ahrons, professor emeritus of sociology at University of Southern California

211. Ed Sherman, California law attorney and author of “Make any Divorce Better”68 Five divorce expertsgive sound advice Sources: The Washington Post – How Can I Get a Good Divorce? Jennifer Huget – 12/18/07

213. “But get a second opinion – if you seek counsel with a highly qualified clinical psychologist or family therapist you will get an objective viewpoint – before you go to a divorce lawyer”69 Richard Mikesell Clinical Psychologist Sources: The Washington Post – How Can I Get a Good Divorce? Jennifer Huget – 12/18/07

215. Meet with a lawyer or mediator for a one hour consultation – to learn the rules in that state – general property division, child support guidelines etc.

216. Meet with a mediator or family therapist to work out the child-custody guidelines and visitation arrangements

217. Keep the kids out it – they are not prizes –they need both parents70 Belinda RachmanCertified Mediator Sources: The Washington Post – How Can I Get a Good Divorce? Jennifer Huget – 12/18/07

219. Provide a stable emotional environment – “let kids be kids”

220. Get a grip – acknowledge your feelings, but recognize what you need to do on a day to day basis

221. Create a business-like relationship – you may never be friends again, but you and your spouse both need to function rationally to get through this with the least damage71 Robert EmeryProfessor of Psychology Sources: The Washington Post – How Can I Get a Good Divorce? Jennifer Huget – 12/18/07

223. Don’t assume it’s easy if there are no kids – give the process the same attention and care as if kids were involved

224. Confide with care – don’t vent to mutual friends – you will regret it later

225. Be well – take care of yourself – find a safe haven to talk – sleep – get a massage – get professional help if needed72 Constance AhronsProfessor Emeritus of Sociology Sources: The Washington Post – How Can I Get a Good Divorce? Jennifer Huget – 12/18/07

227. Be good example – show kids that problem solving does work

228. Avoid fighting – the legal system is a place of fighting

229. Avoid poor advice – no advice from friends or family

230. Agree not to discuss personal stuff – when you are discussing divorce stuff – set a separate time for that

231. Be well – for your child73 Ed ShermanFamily Law Attorney Ed Sherman - California law attorney and author of “Make any Divorce Better” Sources: The Washington Post – How Can I Get a Good Divorce? Jennifer Huget – 12/18/07

233. Unless there is a “huge power balance” between husband and wife

234. Doing divorce right can help give you and your ex and your kids a much better chance for happiness74 All five agree that…

236. The savings are rescued

237. The children will recover

238. Goodwill is not lost and may be built

239. The healing process has begun for everyone involved75 Peaceful DivorceAn Idea Whose Time Has Come

241. 11 years of divorce and family law practice

242. JD from University of San Diego School of Law

243. Masters Degree in Special Education from New York University

244. Teaching severely emotionally disturbed children from 1976-1993 in state mental institutions, public and private schools

245. 100% success in mediated divorces with over 250 couples

246. $3,500 flat fee per case

247. Spearheading the revolution to transform divorce from litigation to mediation76 IntroducingThe Peacemaker Belinda Etezad Rachman, ESQ

249. She will always help you protect the children

250. The shortest divorce process possible!

251. Her fees are fixed and inexpensive

252. Her success rate is 100%

253. If she cannot help you then she will try and guide you to most peaceful path still available to you77 Helping all couples finda better way