1. What are Interpersonal Skills?
Interpersonal skills are the life skills we use
every day to communicate and interact with
other people, individually and in groups.
Interpersonal skills include not only how we
communicate with others, but also our confidence,
and our ability to listen and understand. Problem
solving, decision making and personal stress
management are also considered interpersonal
skills.
People with strong interpersonal skills are usually
more successful in both their professional and
personal lives. They are perceived as more calm,
confident and charismatic, qualities that are often
endearing or appealing to others. Being more
aware of your interpersonal skills can help you
improve and develop them. We provide an
extensive library of articles to help you learn about
and improve your interpersonal skills.
Interpersonal skills are also sometimes referred to
as soft skills or people skills.
A list of Interpersonal Skills could include:

2. Listening Skills
Communication Skills
Stress Management
Verbal Communication
Assertiveness
Decision Making
Problem Solving
Non-Verbal Communication
Listening Skills
Listening is not the same as hearing. Hearing
refers to the sounds that you hear, whereas
listening requires more than that: it requires focus.
Listening means paying attention not only to the
story, but how it is told, the use of language and
voice, and how the other person uses his or her
body. In other words, it means being aware of
both verbal and non-verbal messages. Your ability
to listen effectively depends on the degree to

3. which you perceive and understand these
messages.
Principles of listening:
A good listener will listen not only to what is
being said, but also to what is left unsaid or only
partially said. Listening involves observing body
language and noticing inconsistencies between
verbal and non-verbal messages. For example, if
someone tells you that they are happy with their
life but through gritted teeth or with tears filling
their eyes, you should consider that the verbal and
non-verbal messages are in conflict. Listening
requires you to concentrate and use your other
senses in addition to simply hearing the words
spoken.
1. Stop Talking
We have two ears but only one mouth. Don't talk,
although you may need to clarify when the other
person has finished speaking.
2. Prepare Yourself to Listen
Focus on the speaker. Put other things out of
mind.

4. 3. Put the Speaker at Ease
Help the speaker to feel free to speak. Remember
their needs and concerns. Nod or use other
gestures or words to encourage them to continue.
4. Remove Distractions
Focus on what is being said: don’t doodle, shuffle
papers, look out the window, or similar. Avoid
unnecessary interruptions.
5. Empathise
Try to understand the other persons point of view.
Look at issues from their perspective. Let go of
preconceived ideas.
6. Be Patient
A pause, even a long pause, does not necessarily
mean that the speaker has finished. Never finish a
sentence for someone.
7. Avoid Personal Prejudice
Try to be impartial. Don’t become irritated and
don’t let the person’s habits or manner distract you
from what they are really saying.

5. 8. Listen to the Tone
Volume and tone both add to what someone is
saying.
9. Listen for Ideas – Not Just Words
You need to get the whole picture, not just isolated
bits and pieces.
10. Wait and Watch for Non-Verbal
Communication
Gestures, facial expressions, and eye-movements
can all be important.
What is Interpersonal Communication?
Interpersonal communication is the process by
which people exchange information, feelings, and
meaning through verbal andnon-verbal messages:
it is face-to-face communication. Interpersonal
communication is not just about what is actually

6. said - the language used - but how it is said and the
non-verbal messages sent through tone of voice,
facial expressions, gestures and body language.
When two or more people are in the same place
and are aware of each other's presence, then
communication is taking place, no matter how
subtle or unintentional. Without speech, an
observer may be using cues of posture, facial
expression, and dress to form an impression of the
other's role, emotional state, personality and/or
intentions. Although no communication may be
intended, people receive messages through such
forms of non-verbal behaviour.
Elements of Interpersonal Communication
See also: Listening Skills
Much research has been done to try to break
down interpersonal communication into a
number of elements in order that it can be more
easily understood. Commonly these elements
include:
The Communicators
For any communication to occur there must be at
least two people involved. It is easy to think about
communication involving a sender and a receiver
of a message. However, the problem with this way
of seeing a relationship is that it presents

7. communication as a one-way process where one
person sends the message and the other receives it.
In fact communications are almost always
complex, two-way processes, with people sending
and receiving messages to and from each other. In
other words, communication is an interactive
process.
The Message
Message not only means the speech used or
information conveyed, but also the non-
verbal messages exchanged such asfacial
expressions, tone of voice, gestures and body
language. Non-verbal behaviour can convey
additional information about the message spoken.
In particular, it can reveal more about emotional
attitudes which may underlie the content of
speech.
Noise
Noise has a special meaning in communication
theory. It refers to anything that distorts the
message, so that what is received is different from
what is intended by the speaker. Whilst physical
'noise' (for example, background sounds or a low-
flying jet plane) can interfere with communication,
other factors are considered to be ‘noise’. The use
of complicated jargon,inappropriate body

8. language, inattention, disinterest, and cultural
differences can be considered 'noise' in the context
of interpersonal communication. In other words,
any distortions or inconsistencies that occur during
an attempt to communicate can be seen as noise.
Feedback
Feedback consists of messages the receiver
returns, which allows the sender to know how
accurately the message has been received, as well
as the receiver's reaction. The receiver may also
respond to the unintentional message as well as the
intentional message. Types of feedback range from
direct verbal statements, for example "Say that
again, I don't understand", to subtle facial
expressions or changes in posture that might
indicate to the sender that the receiver feels
uncomfortable with the message. Feedback allows
the sender to regulate, adapt or repeat the message
in order to improve communication.
Context
All communication is influenced by the context in
which it takes place. However, apart from looking
at the situational context of where the interaction
takes place, for example in a room, office, or
perhaps outdoors, the social context also needs to
be considered, for example the roles,

9. responsibilities and relative status of the
participants. The emotional climate and
participants' expectations of the interaction will
also affect the communication.
Channel
The channel refers to the physical means by which
the message is transferred from one person to
another. In face-to-face context the channels which
are used are speech and vision, however during a
telephone conversation the channel is limited to
speech alone.
Tension and anxiety are very common
problems in society today, and many people will
suffer from symptoms of stress at some time in

10. their lives. You may encounter stress from a
number of sources including:
Personal Stress which may be caused by the
nature of your work, changes in your life or
personal problems.
Stress in family or friends, which in turn may
affect you.
Stress in your colleagues, which again may affect
you.
As the effects of stress can be, at the very least,
unpleasant this article sets out to give an overview
of stress, together with its causes and
consequences, and the means by which it can be
avoided, confronted and reduced.
What is Stress?
Stress is a response to an inappropriate level of
pressure.
Stress can be described as the distress that is
caused as a result of demands placed on physical
or mental energy. Stress can arise as the result of:
Anxiety
Anxiety is caused when life events are felt to be
threatening to individual physical, social or mental

11. well-being. The amount of anxiety experienced by
an individual depends on:
• How threatening these life events are
perceived to be.
• Individual coping strategies.
• How many stressful events occur in a short
period of time.
Tension
Tension is a natural reaction to anxiety. It is part
of a primitive survival instinct where physiological
changes prepare the individual for ‘fight or flight’.
This sympathetic response, as it is known, results
in a chemical Adenosine Triphosphate (ATP)
being released in the body and causes muscles to
tense ready for action. Blood vessels near the skin
constrict to slow bleeding if injury is sustained and
to increase the blood supply to the muscles, heart,
lungs and brain. Digestion is inhibited, the bladder
relaxes, and sweating, the heart rate and breathing
increase. The person affected becomes more alert,
their eyes dilate and a surge of adrenaline gives
rise to an increase in energy.
These responses are extremely useful in situations
of physical danger but, unlike for primitive
humans, many of the anxieties of modern life are

12. not ones that can be solved by a ‘fight or flight’
reaction or by any physical response. Modern day
stressful situations tend to continue for much
longer periods of time and an immediate response
does not relieve the anxiety-provoking situation.
Therefore, prolonged states of anxiety can lead to
symptoms of stress which prevent the individual
from returning to his or her normal, relaxed state.
Physical Signs of Stress
In addition to feeling uneasy, tense and worried,
physical sensations of continued stress can
include:
• Palpitations
• Dizziness
• Indigestion or heartburn
• Tension headaches
• Aching muscles
• Trembling or eye twitches
• Diarrhoea
• Frequent urination
• Insomnia
• Tiredness
• Impotence
People are often unaware that they are suffering
from stress and visit the doctor with symptoms of

13. indigestion, muscle pain, headaches, etc. Severe
stress can lead to panic attacks, chest pains,
phobias and fears of being seriously ill.
Continued stress can lead to feelings of lethargy
and tiredness, migraine, severe stomach upset and
sleeplessness. As with all such symptoms,
medical help should be sought. However, once
symptoms are recognised as being caused by stress
it is possible to control and reduce stress levels.
This can be done through learning a number
of stress reduction techniques.
Stress-Inducing Events and Situations
SkillsYouNeed.co.uk
While individuals have a range of events or
situations that are particularly stressful to them,
most people would agree that major events such as
losing a job, divorce or money problems would be
stressful for anyone.
The following list is compiled from the answers
given by a large number of people as to how hard
it is to readjust to different life changing events. A
high score shows that people find it hard to
readjust to that event, which in turn indicates a
high stress factor.

14. Event: Score out of
100
Death of a spouse or partner 100
Divorce 73
Marital separation 65
Death of a close family member 63
Personal injury or illness 53
Marriage 50
Loss of a job 47
Marital reconciliation 45
Retirement 45
Change in health of a family 44
member
Pregnancy 40
Sexual problems 39
Addition of a new family member 39
Death of a close friend 37
Change to a different kind of work 36

15. Taking on a large mortgage 31
Change of responsibilities at work 29
Son or daughter leaving home 29
Spouse starts/stops work 26
Starting or leaving school 26
Trouble with the boss 23
Change in residence 20
Taking on a loan or H.P. debt 17
Change in eating habits 15
Vacation 13
Christmas 12
Minor violations of the law 11
Life changes can have a direct effect on health,
either good or bad. Of people who have a ‘life
change score’ of 200-300, half exhibit health
problems in the following year. Of those with a
score over 300, 79% become ill in the following
year. The most stressful change is the death of a
spouse. Widowers have a 40% higher death rate

16. than normal and have high rates of illness and
depression.
It is not only unpleasant events that can be
stressful. It seems that almost any change involves
stress in readjusting and, if possible, it would seem
wise to not have too many changes in life at the
same time if this is at all possible.
In addition to stress being caused by events,
certain situations can lead to an individual feeling
stressed; although as mentioned before the degree
of stress will depend, amongst other things, on that
individual’s coping strategies. The environment
can also serve to make us stressed: for example,
noise, crowds, poor lighting, pollution or other
external factors over which we have no control can
cause us to feel anxious and irritable. Adjusting to
modern-day life can also be a source of stress. We
now communicate with people in many different
ways, e.g. through the Internet, mobile phones, and
various broadcast media, and the expectation of a
quick response has increased. We also have many
more commodities available to us and some people
feel an expectation to maintain a certain lifestyle
and level of consumerism. In addition, for many
women it is now the norm to manage a full- or

17. part-time job and to be the primary carer nurturing
a family.
All of these changes mean that stress is now
unfortunately commonplace in both our personal
and professional lives. Indeed we could argue that
a programme of stress management, focussed on
stress prevention as much as relief, is an essential
part of modern living.

18. Verbal Communication
Opening Communication
In many encounters, the first few minutes are
extremely important as first impressions have a
significant impact on the success of further
communication. Everyone has expectations and
norms as to how initial meetings should proceed
and tends to behave according to these
expectations. If interpersonal expectation is

19. mismatched, communication will not be effective
nor run smoothly, and negotiation will be needed
if relations are to continue.
At a first meeting, formalities and appropriate
greetings are usually expected: such formalities
could include a handshake, an introduction to
yourself, eye contact and discussion around a
neutral subject such as the weather or your journey
may be useful. A friendly disposition and smiling
face are much more likely to encourage
communication than a blank face, inattention or
disinterested reception.
Reinforcement
The use of encouraging words alongside non-
verbal gestures such as head nods, a warm facial
expression and maintaining eye contact, are more
likely to reinforce openness in others. The use of
encouragement and positive reinforcement can:
• Encourage others to participate in discussion
(particularly in group work)
• Signify interest in what other people have to
say
• Pave the way for development and/or
maintenance of a relationship
• Allay fears and give reassurance

20. • Show warmth and openness.
Effective Listening
Active listening is a very important listening skill
and yet, as communicators, people tend to spend
far more energy considering what they are going to
say rather than listening to what the other person is
trying to say.
The following points are essential for effective and
active listening:
• Arrange a comfortable environment conducive
to the purpose of the communication, for
example a warm and light room with minimal
background noise.
• Be prepared to listen.
• Keep an open mind and concentrate on the
main direction of the speaker's message.
• Avoid distractions if at all possible.
• Delay judgment until you have heard
everything.
• Be objective.
• Do not be trying to think of your next question
while the other person is giving information.
• Do not dwell on one or two points at the
expense of others.

21. • The speaker should not be stereotyped. Try not
to let prejudices associated with, for example,
gender, ethnicity, social class, appearance or
dress interfere with what is being said.
See also our section on Listening Skills.

22. Assertiveness

23. Assertiveness is a skill often referred to in social
and communication skills training. Often
wrongly confused with aggression, assertive
individuals aim to be neither passive nor
aggressive in their interactions with other people.
Although everyone acts in passive and aggressive
ways from time to time, such ways of responding
often result from a lack of self confidence and,
therefore, are inappropriate expressions of what
such people really need to say.
Non-assertiveness may be seen as the use of
inefficient communication skills, whereas
assertiveness is considered a balanced response,
being neither passive nor aggressive. This article
looks at the rights and responsibilities of assertive
behaviour and aims to show how assertiveness can
benefit the individual.
What is Assertiveness?
The Concise Oxford Dictionary defines
assertiveness as:
“Forthright, positive, insistence on the recognition
of one's rights”
In other words:
“Assertiveness means standing up for your
personal rights - expressing thoughts, feelings and

24. beliefs in direct, honest and appropriate ways." It
is important to note also that "By being assertive
we should always respect the thoughts, feelings
and beliefs of other people”
Assertiveness concerns being able to express
feelings, wishes, wants and desires appropriately
and is an important interpersonal skill. In all your
interactions with other people, whether at home or
at work with employers, customers or colleagues,
assertiveness can help you to express yourself in a
clear, open and reasonable way, without
undermining the rights of yourself or others.
Assertiveness enables an individual to act in their
own best interests, to stand up for themselves
without undue anxiety, to express honest feelings
comfortably and to express personal rights without
denying the rights of others.
Passive, Aggresive and Assertive
See also: Negotiation
Being Passive
Responding in a passive or non-assertive way
tends to mean compliance with the wishes of
others and undermines individual rights and self-
confidence. Many people adopt a passive response
because they have a strong need to be liked by

25. others. Such people do not regard themselves as
equals because they place greater weight on the
rights, wishes and feelings of others. Being
passive results in failure to communicate thoughts
or feelings and results in people doing things they
really do not want to do in the hope that they
might please others. This also means that they
allow others to take responsibility, to lead and
make decisions for them.
A classic passive response is offered by those who
say 'yes' to requests when they actually want to say
'no'. For example,“Do you think you can find the
time to clean out these cupboards today?” A
typical passive reply might be “Yes, I'll do it after
I've done the shopping for Mrs. Smith, made an
important telephone call, finished the filing,
cleaned the windows and made lunch for
grandma!” A far more appropriate response would
have been “No, I'm unable to do it today as I've
got several things I need to do.” It is obvious that
the person responding passively really does not
have the time, but their answer does not convey
this message. The second response is assertive in
that the person has considered the implication of
the request in the light of the other tasks they have
to do.

26. By responding passively, individuals are more
inclined to portray themselves in a negative light
or put themselves down and, as a result, may
actually come to feel inferior to others. Passive
responding can encourage treatment that reinforces
a passive role. While the underlying causes of
passive responding are often poor self-confidence
and self-esteem, passive responding itself can
serve to yet further reduce feelings of self-worth.
You may find that you respond passively,
aggressively or assertively when you are
communicating in different situations. It is
important to remember that any interaction is
always a two-way process and therefore your
reactions may differ, depending upon your
relationship with the other person in the
communication.
Being Aggressive
By responding in an aggressive way, the rights and
self-esteem of the other person are undermined.
Aggressive responses can include a wide range of
behaviours, like rushing someone unnecessarily,
telling rather than asking, ignoring someone, or
not considering another's feelings.

27. Good interpersonal skills mean you need to be
aware of the different ways of communicating and
the different response each approach might
provoke. The use of either passive or aggressive
behaviour in interpersonal relationships can have
undesirable consequences for those you are
communicating with and it may well hinder
positive moves forward.
Aggressive behaviour fails to consider other
individuals' views or feelings. Rarely will praise
or appreciation of others be shown and an
aggressive response tends to put others down.
Aggressive responses encourage the other person
to respond in a non-assertive way, either
aggressively or passively.
It can be a frightening or distressing experience to
be spoken to aggressively and the receiver can be
left wondering what instigated such behaviour or
what he or she has done to deserve the aggression.
If thoughts and feelings are not stated clearly, this
can lead to individuals manipulating others into
meeting their wishes and desires. Manipulation
can be seen as a covert form of aggression whilst
humour can also be used aggressively.

28. Being Assertive
Being assertive involves taking into consideration
both your own rights, wishes, wants, needs and
desires, as well as those of the other person.
Assertiveness means encouraging others to be
open and honest about their views, wishes and
feelings, in order that both parties act
appropriately.
Assertive behaviour includes:
• Being open in expressing wishes, thoughts and
feelings and encouraging others to do likewise.
• Listening to the views of others and
responding appropriately, whether in agreement
with these views or not.
• Accepting responsibilities and being able to
delegate to others.
• Regularly expressing appreciation of others for
what they have done or are doing.
• Being able to admit to mistakes and apologise.
• Maintaining self-control.
• Behaving as an equal to others.

29. Decision making
Introduction / Outline
People often find it hard to make decisions. We
can't decide if this is an introduction or outline!
Some people put off making decisions by
endlessly searching for more information or
getting other people to offer their
recommendations. Others resort to decision
making by taking a vote, sticking a pin in a list or
tossing a coin.
Regardless of the effort that is put into making a
decision, it has to be accepted that some decisions
will not be the best possible choice. This article
looks at one technique that can be used in decision
mak ing thatshould help you to make effective
decisions in the future. Although the following
technique is designed for an organisational or
group structure, it can be adapted to an individual
level.
What is Decision Making?
In its simplest sense, decision making is the act of
choosing between two or more courses of action.
However, it must always be remembered that there
may not always be a 'correct' decision among the

30. available choices. There may have been a better
choice that had not been considered, or the right
information may not have been available at the
time. Because of this, it is important to keep a
record of all decisions and the reasons why
decisions were made, so that improvements can be
made in the future. This also provides justification
for any decision taken when something goes
wrong. Hindsight might not be able to correct past
mistakes, but it will aid improved decision making
in the future.
Effective Decision Making
Although decisions can be made using either
intuition or reasoning, a combination of both
approaches is often used. Whatever approach is
used, it is usually helpful to structure decision
making in order to:
• Reduce more complicated decisions down to
simpler steps.
• See how any decisions are arrived at.
• Plan decision making to meet deadlines.
Stages of Decision Making
Many different techniques of decision making
have been developed, ranging from simple rules of
thumb, to extremely complex procedures. The

31. method used depends on the nature of the decision
to be made and how complex it is. The method
described in this article follows a number of
stages. These are:
• Stage One: Listing all possible
solutions/options.
• Stage Two: Setting a time scale and deciding
who is responsible for the decision.
• Stage Three: Information gathering.
• Stage Four: Weighing up the risks involved.
• Stage Five: Deciding on values, or in other
words what is important.
• Stage Six: Weighing up the pros and cons of
each course of action.
• Stage Seven: Making the decision.
Framework for Decision Making
SkillsYouNeed.co.uk
Listing Possible Solutions/Options
Generally, the possible solutions will have been
thought up during the earlier problem solving
process, either through brainstorming or some
other 'idea generating' process (see our article
on: Problem Solving). In addition, a decision will
have to be made from a selection of fixed choices.
Always remember to consider the possibility of
not making a decision or doing nothing and be

32. aware that both options are actually decisions in
themselves.
Setting a Time Scale and Deciding Who is
Responsible for the Decision
In deciding how much time to make available for
the decision making process, it helps to consider
the following:
• How much time is available to spend on this
decision?
• Is there a deadline for making a decision and
what are the consequences of missing this
deadline?
• Is there an advantage in making a quick
decision?
• How important is it to make a decision? How
important is it that the decision is right?
• Will spending more time improve the quality
of the decision?
Responsibility for the Decision: Before making
a decision, it needs to be clear who is going to take
responsibility for the decision. Remember that it
is not always those making the decision who have
to assume responsibility for it. Is it an individual,
a group or an organisation? This is a key question
because the degree to which responsibility for a

33. decision is shared can greatly influence how
much risk people are willing to take.
If the decison making is for work then it is helpful
to consider the structure of the organisation that
you are in. Is the individual responsible for the
decisions he or she makes or does the organisation
hold ultimate responsibility? Who has to carry out
the course of action decided? Who will it affect if
something goes wrong? Are you willing to take
responsibility for a mistake?
Finally, who can take the decision? When helping
a friend, colleague or client to reach a decision, in
most circumstances the final decision and
responsibility will be taken by them. Whenever
possible, and if it is not obvious, it is better to
make a formal decision as to who is responsible
for a decision. This idea of responsibility also
highlights the need to keep a record of how any
decision was made, what information it was based
on and who was involved. Enough information
needs to be kept to justify that decision in the
future so that, if something does go wrong, it is
possible to show that your decision was reasonable
in the circumstance and given the knowledge you
held at the time.

35. Non Verbal communication
Interpersonal communication not only involves
the explicit meaning of words, that is the
information or message conveyed, but also refers
to implicit messages, whether intentional or not,
which may be expressed through non-
verbal behaviours.
Non-verbal communications include facial
expressions, the tone and pitch of the voice,
gestures displayed through body language
(kinesics) and the physical distance between
communicators (proxemics). These non-verbal
signals can give clues and additional infomation
and meaning over and above spoken language.
Non-verbal messages allow individuals to:
• Reinforce or modify what is said in words. For
example, people may nod their heads vigorously
when saying "Yes" to emphasise that they agree
with the other person, but a shrug of the
shoulders and sad expression when saying "I'm
fine thanks,” may imply that things are not really
fine at all!
• Convey information about their emotional
state.

36. • Define or reinforce the relationship between
people.
• Provide feedback to the other person.
• Regulate the flow of communication, for
example by signalling to others that they have
finished speaking or wish to say something.
Many popular books on non-verbal
communication present the topic as if it were a
language that can be learned, the implication being
that if the meaning of every nod, eye movement,
and gesture were known, the real feelings and
intentions of a person would be understood.
Unfortunately interpreting non-verbal
communication is not that simple. As covered in
Interpersonal Communication, the way
communication is influenced by the context in
which it occurs. For example, a nod of the head
between colleagues in a committee meeting may
mean something very different to when the same
action is used to acknowledge someone across a
crowded room.
Interpersonal communication is further
complicated in that it is usually not possible to
interpret a gesture or expression accurately on its
own. Non-verbal communication consists of a

37. complete package of expressions, hand and eye
movements, postures, and gestures which should
be interpreted along with speech (verbal
communication).
The forms of interpersonal communication that are
not expressed verbally are called non-verbal
communications. These include:
• Body Movements (Kinesics)
• Posture
• Eye Contact
• Paralanguage
• Closeness or Personal Space (Proxemics)
• Facial Expressions
• Physiological Change

38. Interpersonal communication
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Interpersonal communication is usually defined
by communication scholars in numerous ways,
usually describing participants who are dependent
upon one another. It can involve one on
oneconversations or individuals interacting with
many people within a society. It helps us
understand how and why people behave and
communicate in different ways to construct and
negotiate a social reality. While interpersonal
communication can be defined as its own area of
study, it also occurs within other contexts like
groups and organizations.Interpersonal
communication is the process that we use to
communicate our ideas, thoughts, and feelings to
another person. Our interpersonal communication
skills are learned behaviors that can be improved
through knowledge, practice, feedback, and
reflection.
Interpersonal communication
includes message sending and message reception
between two or more individuals. This can include
all aspects of communication such as listening,

39. persuading, asserting, nonverbal communication,
and more. A primary concept of interpersonal
communication looks at communicative acts when
there are few individuals involved unlike areas of
communication such as group interaction, where
there may be a large number of individuals
involved in a communicative act.
Individuals also communicate on different
interpersonal levels depending on who they are
engaging in communication with. For example, if
an individual is communicating with a family
member, that communication will more than likely
differ from the type of communication used when
engaged in a communicative act with a friend or
significant other.
Overall, interpersonal communication can be
conducted using both direct and indirect mediums
of communication such as face-to-face interaction,
as well as computer-mediated-communication.
Successful interpersonal communication assumes
that both the message senders and the message
receivers will interpret and understand the
messages being sent on a level of understood
meanings and implications.

40. Four Principles of Interpersonal
Communication
These principles underlie the workings in real life
of interpersonal communication. They are basic to
communication. We can't ignore them
Interpersonal communication is inescapable
We can't not communicate. The very attempt not
to communicate communicates something.
Through not only words, but through tone of voice
and through gesture, posture, facial expression,
etc., we constantly communicate to those around
us. Through these channels, we constantly receive
communication from others. Even when you sleep,
you communicate. Remember a basic principle of
communication in general: people are not mind
readers. Another way to put this is: people judge
you by your behavior, not your intent.
Interpersonal communication is irreversible
You can't really take back something once it has
been said. The effect must inevitably remain.
Despite the instructions from a judge to a jury to

41. "disregard that last statement the witness made,"
the lawyer knows that it can't help but make an
impression on the jury. A Russian proverb says,
"Once a word goes out of your mouth, you can
never swallow it again."
Interpersonal communication is complicated
No form of communication is simple. Because of
the number of variables involved, even simple
requests are extremely complex. Theorists note
that whenever we communicate there are really at
least six "people" involved: 1) who you think you
are; 2) who you think the other person is; 30 who
you think the other person thinks you are; 4) who
the other person thinks /she is; 5) who the other
person thinks you are; and 6) who the other person
thinks you think s/he is.
We don't actually swap ideas, we swap symbols
that stand for ideas. This also complicates
communication. Words (symbols) do not have
inherent meaning; we simply use them in certain
ways, and no two people use the same word
exactly alike.

42. Osmo Wiio gives us some communication maxims
similar to Murphy's law (Osmo Wiio, Wiio's
Laws--and Some Others (Espoo, Finland: Welin-
Goos, 1978):
• If communication can fail, it will.
• If a message can be understood in different
ways, it will be understood in just that way
which does the most harm.
• There is always somebody who knows better
than you what you meant by your message.
• The more communication there is, the more
difficult it is for communication to succeed.
These tongue-in-cheek maxims are not real
principles; they simply humorously remind us of
the difficulty of accurate communication. (See
also A commentary of Wiio's laws by Jukka
Korpela.)
Interpersonal communication is contextual
In other words, communication does not happen in
isolation. There is:
• Psychological context, which is who you are
and what you bring to the interaction. Your
needs, desires, values, personality, etc., all

43. form the psychological context. ("You" here
refers to both participants in the interaction.)
• Relational context, which concerns your
reactions to the other person--the "mix."
• Situational context deals with the psycho-
social "where" you are communicating. An
interaction that takes place in a classroom will
be very different from one that takes place in a
bar.
• Environmental context deals with the physical
"where" you are communicating. Furniture,
location, noise level, temperature, season, time
of day, all are examples of factors in the
environmental context.
• Cultural context includes all the learned
behaviors and rules that affect the interaction.
If you come from a culture (foreign or within
your own country) where it is considered rude
to make long, direct eye contact, you will out
of politeness avoid eye contact. If the other
person comes from a culture where long,
direct eye contact signals trustworthiness, then
we have in the cultural context a basis for
misunderstanding.