This manual/workbook describes a five step process of inquiry and insight into the reasons why we hold tightly onto our resentments and how to let them go.

1. Resentment Therapy
GET MAD Group Manual
! GET EVEN OR...
! ! !
FALL 2011 GET A LIFE!
“Everyone
deserves the
chance to live a
life
free from the
impact of the
past”
HANGING ONTO RESENTMENT IS LETTING SOMEONE
YOU DESPISE LIVE “RENT-FREE” IN YOUR HEAD!
ESTHER LEDERER (AKA: ANN LANDERS)
The more energy we put into our
resentments, the more they follow
us throughout our lives.
Yet, these “rent-free” freeloaders
are not only occupying space, time,
and energy in our heads.
No! Resentments shape “our”
future, and thus, they effect self-
expression in ALL relationships
Copyright 2011 by Rod Minaker. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Any use of materials, including reproduction, modification,
distribution or republication, without the prior written
consent of Rod Minaker is strictly prohibited.
September 2011 Therapy Group - Get Mad, Get Even, or Get a Life 1

2. TABLE OF Day 1 - Making Meaning about Meaning Making
CONTENTS Day 2 - Understanding Resentment
What Happened..........................................................................3
My story of what happened...................................................4
Future orientation to resentment........................................5
Day 3 - The Problem with protection
Accessing the decision to protect self.........................6-7
“benefits” of your payoff.....................................................8
Payoff worksheets............................................................9-10
Day 4 - The Freedom of Responsibility
Tonight’s the night possibility..............................................11
Creating new self-expressions............................................12
Declaration worksheets..................................................13-14
Day 4 - An Exercise in Full Self-Expression
Letter style/template...................................................15-16
Day 6 - An Exercise in Releasing Resentment
f
86% o s end
hip
tions y
rela entl
sil
September 2011 Therapy Group - Get Mad, Get Even, or Get a Life 2

3. Session #1 Questions
What do you think about the claim
that the future, rather than the What Happened
past, is what shapes us?
_________________________________
_________________________________
If your perception about the
future does not change, how
effective will you be in making the
Future changes you want in your
life?
_________________________________
_________________________________
X
X
X X
X X X
X X
X X X
X X
X X
X X
“What Happened” that caused your resentment?
“WE DON’T SEE THE WORLD,
! “JUST AS IT HAPPENS.”
! ! WE ALWAYS MAKE MEANING OF THINGS!
! ! ! THIS IS OUR STORY!”
September 2011 Therapy Group - Get Mad, Get Even, or Get a Life 3

4. Our Story Session #1 Questions
SELF
OTHER
World
IF THE PAST COULD SCAR US...
! THERAPY WOULD BE USELESS!
The replaying of the past
! ! is what does its damage to us!
September 2011 Therapy Group - Get Mad, Get Even, or Get a Life 4

5. What is your persistent complaint?
(usually one statement about how the
P person you resent treats you)
______________________________
A ______________________________
S What theme do the details of “what
happened” suggest about your persistent
T complaint (this is your story)?
______________________________
______________________________
What Behaviour do you anticipate from
this person, people like them, or from
life? (eg. “there she goes again!” etc)
______________________________
______________________________
“WE TAKE FILES
! FROM THE PAST AND...
! ! WE PUT THEM IN
! ! ! THE FUTURE FILING CABINET”
September 2011 Therapy Group - Get Mad, Get Even, or Get a Life 5

6. “IF THE PAST COULD SCAR US...
! THERAPY WOULD BE USELESS!
The replaying of the past
! ! is what does its damage to us!”
Session #2 If you know your persistent complaint,
What decision did you make to deal with
Questions the future of it happening again?
________________________________________
________________________________________
Finish the following statement: “If they
are going to be , Then
I am going to be !”
Looking back on your relationship with
this person have you noticed a dramatic
behavioural shift towards them?
________________________________________
________________________________________
If you could be them for a moment what
would they say about how you are
towards or around them?
________________________________________
________________________________________
Put in your own words what your decision
most resembles?
Avoidance? Ambivalence? Protest?
September 2011 Therapy Group - Get Mad, Get Even, or Get a Life 6

7. aint
Self
ompl
bout
C tent
ON a
PACT
ersis
DE CISI
IM
P
September 2011 Therapy Group - Get Mad, Get Even, or Get a Life 7

8. Session #3 Questions
WHATEVER!!!
How does your decision benefit
you?
______________________
______________________
What is the impact of your
decision on your life and other
people in your life?
______________________
______________________
______________________
“LIFE IS FULL OF RISKS AND DANGERS ETC.
! HOWEVER, AVOIDING THESE RISKS AND DANGERS...
! ! IS ESSENTIALLY AVOIDING LIFE...
NANCY ZAPOLSKI! WHICH IS NOT A GREAT WAY TO LIVE LIFE!”
September 2011 Therapy Group - Get Mad, Get Even, or Get a Life 8

9. Payoff Definition Your Example
Right Persisting in belief
September 2011
despite contrary _______________________________
evidence
_______________________________
Wrong Making sure they are
wrong and/or that _______________________________
other people believe
it. _______________________________
Control Forcing other people
to do what you want _______________________________
_______________________________
Avoid Avoiding/rejecting the
COntrol Person’s attempts to _______________________________
influence you or be a
part of your life _______________________________
Therapy Group - Get Mad, Get Even, or Get a Life 9

10. Payoff Definition Your Example
Win Being competitive,
September 2011
oppositional, ignorant, ______________________________
and/or stubborn.
______________________________
Lose Criticizing/Disempowering,
Being Physically or ______________________________
Psychologically absent
______________________________
Justify Being inconsistent with
Self your values due to the ______________________________
other person’s actions
______________________________
Blame Other areas of life go
wrong and it is the ______________________________
other person’s fault
______________________________
Therapy Group - Get Mad, Get Even, or Get a Life 10

11. Tonight is the Night!!
What would be different in your Life
if you did not have this resentment
for the person you have identified?
____________________________
____________________________
What freedom would you have in your
many relationships if you are free of
this resentment?
____________________________
____________________________
What would other people notice if
this transformation had occurred?
____________________________
____________________________
Session #4
Questions
September 2011 Therapy Group - Get Mad, Get Even, or Get a Life 11

12. What would it look like if you expressed yourself in an
opposite/different way than the Decision you made (to
protect yourself)?
___________________________________________
___________________________________________
“EVERY ACT OF CREATION...
IS FIRST OF ALL AN ACT OF DESTRUCTION”
PABLO PICASSO
“CLEAN OUT A CORNER OF YOUR MIND...
AND CREATIVITY WILL INSTANTLY FILL IT”
DEE HOCK!
What of the following four characteristics resonates with
what you would like expressed more of in your life?
•Love/Affinity •Vitality/Wellbeing
•Full Self-Expression •Satisfaction
September 2011 Therapy Group - Get Mad, Get Even, or Get a Life 12

13. Essence Definition Your Commitment
Love One way giving of
September 2011
yourself or your ______________________________
resources (time,
energy, etc) ______________________________
Affinity Making people
matter, not because ______________________________
they do, but
because you say so ______________________________
Full Self- Being able to
Expression vulnerably share ______________________________
(sharing) your truth with the
other person ______________________________
Full Self- Speaking powerfully
Expression to a situation/ ______________________________
(confronting) person without
self-editing ______________________________
Therapy Group - Get Mad, Get Even, or Get a Life 13

14. Essence Definition Your Commitment
Wellbeing Taking a stand for
September 2011
your Mental and ______________________________
emotional wellbeing
______________________________
Vitality Taking a stand for
Physical wellbeing ______________________________
(exploring the limits
of what your body ______________________________
can do e.g.)
Satisfaction Practicing self-
(self) acceptance ______________________________
appreciation and
peace ______________________________
Satisfaction Practicing validation
(Other) and appreciation for ______________________________
the contribution of
others to your ______________________________
relationship
Therapy Group - Get Mad, Get Even, or Get a Life 14

15. YOUR LETTER:
AN EXERCISE IN FULL
SELF-EXPRESSION
THERE ARE TWO TYPES
OF LETTERS ONE COULD
WRITE SOMEONE THEY
RESENT:
1) A TRANSFORMATIVE
LETTER
2)A LETTER SHOWING
YOUR RESENTMENT
September 2011 Therapy Group - Get Mad, Get Even, or Get a Life 15

16. YOUR LETTER:
AN EXERCISE IN FULL
SELF-EXPRESSION
_____________________ my persistent complaint of you was that you ______________________.
(name of the person) (persistent complaint page 2-4)
_____________________.
The impact of this complaint was that it made me feel angry, powerless, and (feeling word)
The decision I made for myself in order to deal with this complaint, believing that you wouldn’t change in
the foreseeable future, is to become ______________________ to/from you.
(decision about self page 9-10)
________________, what I got as a benefit from being ________________ was that I got
(name of the person) (decision page 6-7)
to make myself (payoff page 9-10)
________________. I did this by (Description of payoff page 9-10)
________________________________________.
A good example of this was when you ___________________________________________________
(Real-life example page 9-10)
FULLY EXPRESS YOURSELF ABOUT YOUR PAYOFFS UNTIL COMPLETE
___________, I know that these actions might have made you feel (feeling word)
___________, and (feeling word)
___________,
(name of the person)
_______________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________
(Statement of Apology OR Declaration of how your payoff is not you)
______________, I am creating for myself the possibility of being...
(name of the person)
__________________________ _________________________ ___________________________
(declaration 1) (declaration 2) (declaration 3)
What it looks like that I am ____________ is ____________________________________________
(declaration 1) (Describe commitment)
FULLY EXPRESS YOURSELF ABOUT YOUR DECLARATIONS UNTIL COMPLETE
______________, if I am not my commitment, please let me know.
(name of the person)
Or
______________, this is who I choose to be.
(name of the person)
September 2011 Therapy Group - Get Mad, Get Even, or Get a Life 16