Handling Difficult Conversations
Judith Katz
October 12, 2011

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Handling Difficult
Conversations

3

by Judith Katz, M.S.
with selections adapted from “simple practices for complex times”
by Carol Wolfley

www.judithkconsulting.com

About me

judith@judithkconsulting.com
Twitter: @katzjudith

Bay Nature Institute
www.BayNature.org Connection Action Project
www.Facebook.com/connectionaction


Our ability to relate with others corresponds to
our success as individuals and organizations.

If your emotional abilities aren't in hand, if you don't
have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage
your distressing emotions, if you can't have empathy
and have effective relationships, then no matter how
smart you are, you are not going to get very far.

World Economic Forum
- Daniel Goleman, author, psychologist, and science journalist

“The best organizations and the ones that survive
economic tsunamis are those with empathic cultures

Photo by TedXSoma
and managers who are able to step outside themselves
and walk in someone else's shoes.”
- Dev Patniak, Author Wired to Care, Founder, Jump Associates


The rise of social media
requires managing new
types of conversations.

Image by Intersection consulting

It is estimated that 85
percent of people
experience conflicts at work
(Volkema and Bergmann 1989).


In the middle of difficulty lies
opportunity.
- Albert Einstein
(This includes difficult conversations.)


So when we face a difficult person
or situation …

Photo by joyeusejoy

Things we do in
challenging situations that
make things worse

• Blame “You made me…”
• Shame
• Criticize
• Label
• Threaten
• Moral judgments
• “Should”


Commonly used conflict
resolution options. - Try to force outcomes
- Submit
- Compromise, or
- Avoid the problem.
-(These can just make things
more difficult.)

But instead, we can
choose to . . .


CONNECT

Photo by spaceamoeba

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) was developed by psychologist
and international peacemaker
Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.


Four steps of NVC
1. OBSERVATION
2. FEELINGS
3. NEEDS
4. REQUESTS


This framework helps make a
difficult conversation into an
opportunity.


1. Observation


Distinguish between facts and judgments.
For example Instead of
• Your information about that • You’re wrong.
is different than mine.

• He said, “I’m going to lead • He’s bossy.
all the meetings.”

• I have a different way of • That’s stupid.
seeing it.


2. Feelings


Partial List of Feelings
delighted concerned angry
happy frustrated annoyed
grateful disappointed sad
hopeful confused lonely
surprised unsure scared
curious doubtful
affectionate

Am I feeling _____________?
Are you feeling ___________?


3. Needs
In every moment, each of us is trying to meet
our needs in the best way we know how.
– Dr. Marshall Rosenberg


Universal Needs (partial list)

clarity effectiveness fun
creativity trust order
participation ease safety
unity connection rest
predictability to matter hope
peace consideration contribution
freedom
to be heard Am I wanting _____?
appreciation Are you wanting _____?
understanding

Strategies are ways we try to meet our needs

Strategy Possible underlying needs
• Talk behind the person’s back • Companionship, belonging,
ease
• Try to convince the person • Understanding, shared
reality, connection
• Go to the person’s supervisor • Effectiveness, clarity , trust
• Ignore the conflict • Ease, peace, predictability
• Use one’s own authority to • Clarity, effectiveness, ease
settle the issue
• Discuss the issue with people • Understanding, connection,
outside of work trust

4. Requests


Risk making a request

• Be specific (i.e., time & place)
• Ask for what you want, rather than what
you don’t want
• Say why it’s important to you (need)
• Stay open to hearing a “no”


Examples of Requests

Instead of You could say

You should stay in contact I’m concerned about this
with me about this. project. Would you be willing
to call me about it tomorrow?

Stop talking so loud! Would you be willing to speak
more quietly?

Your handwriting is terrible! I’m wondering if you could
type the minutes during the
next meeting because it’s
important for me to be able
to read them in their entirety.


Request connection


Use requests that help you
to connect with the other For example:
person.

• I’m wondering if you are willing
to hear what’s coming up for me
as you’re saying this?
Photo by Eric Peacock

• I’m guessing this situation may be
frustrating for you; is that right?

• For clarity, can you tell me
whether or not you agree with
this proposal?


Example 1: A “difficult • Observation: You are putting in 1-2
conversation” with the extra unpaid hours every day for the
boss about workload last month.
• Feeling: Frustrated, concerned,
overwhelmed
• Needs: Rest, appreciation, support
• Request: (to boss) “I’ve been
working 1-2 extra unpaid hours
every day for the last month. I’m
needing support and I’m wondering
if you would be willing to hire a part-
time assistant as we enter the busy
season.”


Example 2: A “difficult • Observation: Last week, your
conversation” about employee said that they were going
accountability to update the website by Friday, and
it’s still not done.
• Feeling: Irritated, stressed
• Need: Integrity, support, trust
• Request: “George, my memory is
that last week you said you were
going to update the website by
Friday, and today I see that it’s still
not done. It’s important to me that
we fulfill our commitment to our
clients. Would you be willing to
update it by the end of the day
today?”


Example 3: A “difficult • Observation: Your colleague starts
conversation” with a talking before you are finished with
“difficult person” what you’re saying.
• Feeling: Frustrated, angry
• Need: To be heard, respect, contribution
• Request: “Jill, when you started talking
before I finish what I’m saying, I feel
frustrated. I’d like to be heard on this
point, and I’m wondering if you would
be willing to let me finish what I’m
saying – won’t take more than a minute
– before you start speaking again.”


Reflect what you’ve heard

Photo by mielconejo

Check to make sure you understand what the
speaker is trying to say.

- Can I tell you what I heard you say, so I can be
sure I got it?

- I’d like to be clear. Did you say that you want to
meet on Wednesday, but not on Friday?


When you say “no” to a request…

Photo by bulldog1

Share the need you are hoping to meet by your choice.

I’m regretting that I won’t be helping with this. I have a prior commitment to
my family today.

I’m not ready to support your proposal. I plan to get more information to
reach a decision.


And when someone tells you “no”…

Photo by eyeliam

Explore what’s going on for them.

Are you not getting this done because you want to
finish the other job first?


Welcome diverse perspectives
Studies have shown that greater diversity leads to more successful, resilient
organizations. Value inclusion and mutual understanding of perspectives that may
be influenced by race, income level, gender, age, religion, and national origin.


We gain power by learning how we can work to meet
everyone’s needs.


While most people agree that listening effectively
is a very important skill, most people don't feel a
strong need to improve their own skill level.


These tools help build sustainable, trusting relationships.


Steps to handling a difficult
conversation
• Pause. “Don’t just do something, sit there.”
• Distinguish between observations & opinions
• Gain awareness of feelings (yours & theirs)
• Gain awareness of needs (yours & theirs)
• Make specific, doable requests
• Reflect what you’ve heard
• Find the “yes” behind the “no”
• See the gift we each bring to the conversation

Further Resources

For a free consultation, contact: For more information about
judith@judithkconsulting.com, or Nonviolent Communication and Dr.
call 650/303-4237 Marshall Rosenberg, including
finding NVC courses: www.cnvc.org,
Email cnvc@cnvc.org
Phone: 1-818-957-9393
For copies of the booklet
“Simple Practices for Complex Times”
email connectionaction@gmail.com


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