Understanding counseling in a pastoral setting

Archpriest George Morelli, Ph.D.

GOD,HEALING AND
PRIESTLY MINISTRY

 The Holy Trinity, Father, Son and Holy
Spirit, One God, is magnificently
summarized by St. John Chrysostom in his
Divine Liturgy: "for Thou art God
ineffable, inconceivable, invisible, incompr
ehensible, ever existing and eternally the
same."

 ―The Son is the living, essential, and precisely
similar Image of the invisible God, bearing the
entire Father within Himself, equal to Him in all
things, except that He is the Begetter. It is the
nature of the Father to cause; the Son is the
effect. The Father does not proceed from the
Son, but the Son from the Father. The Father
who begets is what He is because of His
Son, though not in second place after Him.‖

 The Divine Persons and their communicative
interrelationship in love are intrinsic to the Divine
Nature. The Father, Son and Holy Spirit cannot be
conceived apart from each other, in as much as
the Divine Essence will lead to Divine action
(Divine Energy) and the creation of the cosmos
and mankind itself. Mankind was created to be in
communion with God and with one another. The
depth of the Trinitarian communion of love, which
is descriptive of their essence and which also will
serve as the purpose of mankind's creation…

 The Divine Persons are not added to another, they exist in one
another: the Father is in the Son and the Son is in the
Father, the Spirit is united to the Father together with the Son
and 'completes the blessed Trinity' as if He were ensuring the
circulation of love within it. This circulation of love was called
by the Fathers [Sts. Basil and Maximus the
Confessor] perichoresis, another key word of their spirituality .
. . Along with kenosis [emptying]. Perichoresis, the exchange
of being by which each Person exists only in virtue of His
relationship with the Others, might be defined as a 'joyful
kenosis'. The kenosis of the Son in history is the extension of
the kenosis of the Trinity and allows us to share in it. Clement, O. (1993). The
Roots of Christian Mysticism. Hyde Park, NY: New City Press.

 The nature of their sin was that they looked to the
creation rather than the Creator for the life (which
includes knowledge and wisdom) that can only come
from God. In fact, the Fathers posit that if Adam and Eve
had obeyed God, they would have matured in
understanding and discernment and eventually would
have come to know good and evil without becoming
captive to the evil.
 The result of their disobedience was catastrophic. Adam
and Eve lost the Spirit of God and became subject
instead to the dust out of which they were created. Man
became bound to the earth rather than its master. He
was expelled from the Garden because knowing now
only separation from God, he could no longer be part of
its primordial harmony.

 We share in the sin of Adam in that we are
born into a world where the consequences
of sin prevail. These consequences are not
only the outward brokenness like disease
and death, but interior disorder as well.
Our nature is corrupted. We are subject to
temptation, prone to sin (the
passions), and share in death.

 ―when he has attained dispassion … he …
has no further anxiety about the three that
were divided, for now with God they have
made peace with one another. These three
are the soul the body and the spirit.‖
[Palmer, G.E.H., Sherrard, P. & Ware, K. (Eds). (1979). The Philokalia, Volume 1: The Complete
Text; Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain & St. Markarios of Corinth. London: Faber
and Faber.]

 StMacarius the Great, :"We can cultivate
the ability to discern right and wrong if we
understand the three movements which
lead to passion: The first is a natural
movement, inherent in the body, which
does not produce anything sinful or
burdening to the conscience, but merely
lets it be known that it exists in the body"
—such as hunger ―The Teachings of the Holy Fathers on the Passions (1986).
Richfield Springs, NY: Nikodemos Orthodox Publication Society

 St. Mark the Ascetic: "Here we see that the natural appetite of
the body innocently expresses itself: feeling the pangs of
hunger, we prepare food and eat to fullness. Suddenly certain
thoughts come to us involuntarily. Until 'our will
consents, these thoughts constitute neither virtue or vice, but
merely disclose the inclination of our will." This is the reason I
use the term biological substrate in discussing emotional
disturbance and the passions. Orthodox anthropology that
suggests that "natural movements,‖ "inclinations," are the
biological substrate of passions and further sins, etc. I do
believe what are called "natural movements" are not the same
as the "original nature" of man, but are a result of our fallen
nature. These words of the Holy Fathers are pastorally and
clinically useful in understanding the connection between body
and spirit. [Philokalia I]

 In the Orthodox Church, healing of the soul ranks
higher than the healing of the body. In fact, the
healing of the body is offered as a sign of His
mercy and blessing to the person experiencing
God's healing and to inspire others to do His will.
Healing is to be sought both through prayer and
the application of physical sciences, but no
complete healing is possible apart from the final
resurrection of an individual because the sentence
of death still reigns in the mortal body. Further, not
all people are healed, despite fervent pleas to God
and the applications of the best medicines.
Sometime illness needs to be endured.

 The Church Fathers give us insight into how we can use
illness and the acceptance of mortality (death) to grow in
Christ. St Ilias the Presbyter wrote: "Suffering deliberately
embraced cannot free the soul totally from sin unless the soul
is also tried in the fire of suffering that comes unchosen. For
the soul is like a sword: if it does not go 'through fire and
water' (Psalm 66:12, LXX) -- that is, by suffering deliberately
embraced and suffering that comes unchosen -- it cannot but
be shattered by the blows of fortune" (Ilias the Presbyter,). We
have to acquire an attitude of embracing both illness and the
inevitable death of earthly life as part of God's divine will for
us. This is true not only for the sick, but also their loved ones
who share in the suffering. In those cases where a healing
does occur, it happens so that we may love God even
more.[Palmer, G.E.H., Sherrard, P. & Ware, K. (Eds.). (1986). The Philokalia, Volume 3:
The Complete Text; Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain & St. Markarios of
Corinth. London: Faber and Faber. ]

 Sometimes physical sickness is necessary to heal the
soul. St. Maximus the Confessor wrote, "Suffering
cleanses the soul infected with the filth of sensual
pleasure and detaches it completely from material
things by showing it the penalty incurred as a result of
its affection for them. This is why God in His justice
allows the devil to afflict men with torments." The
acceptance of our illness and death as God's will is
one means by which we embrace the saving grace of
Christ. This is a hard saying to accept, but those who
have suffered in Christ testify to its truth. Could we not
allow that sometimes God understands what we do not
understand?

 ―The sacrament of priesthood is deeply
significant…Despite the Orthodox emphasis on the
‗royal priesthood‘ of all believers, the Church also
recognizes a difference between laypeople and
ordained clergy, the latter being entrusted with the
celebration of the Eucharist, and having the power
of ‗binding and loosing‘. Ordination into a
hierarchical rank, be it of bishop, priest or
deacon, is not only a change of status but a
transition to another level of existence.‖
 Alfeyev, Archbishop Hilarion. (2002). The Mystery of Faith: An Introduction to the
Teaching and Spirituality of the Orthodox Church. London: Darton, Longman and
Todd.

 ―[This]
grace is so exceedingly great that
were men able to see the glory of this
grace, the whole world would wonder at it; but
the Lord has veiled it that His servants should
not be puffed up but find salvation in humility
… Truly noble is a priest —- the minister at
God‘s altar.‖ The words of Christ Himself
given to his apostles and followers tell us of
the consequences of receiving His gifts: ―…to
whom much is given, of him will much be
required…‖ (Lk 12:48) [Sophrony, Archimandrite. (1999). St. Silouan
the Athonite. Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimir's Seminary Press.]

 Thus all who make up the visible Church
on earth each a different function
depending on God‘s grace. As St. Paul
tells us: ―Now there are varieties of
gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are
varieties of service, but the same Lord;
and there are varieties of working, but it is
the same God who inspires them all in
every one. (1Cor 12: 4-6)

 The Church founded by Christ and enlivened
by the Holy Spirit at Pentecost is also
hierarchical, that is to say made up of
bishop, priest, deacon and those baptized
into the royal priesthood. The teachings of
Christ are understood and expressed in
Council by the bishops and informed by the
priests that surround them and confirmed by
the people of God, the royal priesthood. This
is done in union with the common teaching
and common mind of the church as passed
on through the apostles and Church Fathers.

 Dothou Thyself, O Master, look down from
heaven upon thou who have bowed their
heads unto thee … heal the sick, Thou
who art the physician of our souls and
bodies

 ―We accept all those things which have
been handed down by the Law and the
Prophets and the Apostles and the
Evangelists. We know and revere
them, and over and above these things we
seek nothing else.‖ St. John of Damaskos [Philokalia II]

 St.Basil in his Divine Liturgy reminds all who
surround the Holy Table: ―Be mindful also, O
Lord, of the Priesthood, the Deaconate in
Christ, and every priestly rank, and put not to
confusion any one of us who stand about Thy
Holy Altar.‖ The ministry of service of the
priest-bishop is to preach, teach, sanctify and
pastor, that is to say lead the flock of Christ.
But the grace that outflows from ordination is
not personal but is effectuated by God.

 ―Do thou, the same Lord, fill with the gift of
Thy Holy Spirit this man whom it hath
pleased thee to advance to the degree of
Priest; that he may be worthy to stand in
innocency before thine Altar; to proclaim
the Gospel of Thy kingdom; t minister the
word of Thy truth; to offer unto thee
spiritual gifts and sacrifices; to renew thy
people through the laver of regeneration.‖

 ―It is not Damasius, or Peter, or Ambrose
or Gregory who baptizes. We are fulfilling
our ministry as servants, but the validity of
the sacraments depends upon you. It is
not within human power to communicate
the Divine benefits – it is your gift, O Lord.‖

 Consider the Parable of the Good Samaritan (Lk
10: 30-37): ‖But a Samaritan, as he
journeyed, came to where he was; and when he
saw him, he had compassion, and went to him…‖
Bishop Hierotheos Vlachos (1994) emphatically
states: ―In St. John Chrysostom‘s interpretation of
this parable it is clearly evident that the Church is a
Hospital which heals those sick with sin, while the
bishops and priests, like the Apostle Paul, are the
healers of the people of God.‖ Vlachos, Bishop
Hierotheos, (1994). Orthodox Psychotherapy: The Science of the
Fathers. Lavadia, Greece: Birth of the Theotokos Monastery.

 ―..the priest is properly a spiritual
physician who cures people‘s sicknesses.
Worship and sacrament must be placed
within the therapeutic method and
treatment.‖ Vlachos, Bishop Hierotheos, (1994).

 Healing can only be enlivened with the reception of the Holy
Mysteries of the Church. Holy Baptism; Chrismation;
Eucharist, (reception of the very Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity
of Christ); Holy Confession, (metanoia, repentance in
mind, heart and action, true sorrow for sin and longing for and
working on being in communion with God); Holy Unction, the
quintessential Holy Mystery of healing in which the priest
prays: ―… this oil, that it may be effectual for those who are
anointed therewith, unto healing and unto relief from every
passion, of every defilement of flesh and spirit, and every ill;
that thereby may be glorified Thine all holy Name, of the
Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit: now and
ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen;‖ Holy Orders, (ordination
to the diaconate, priesthood, episcopacy) and Blessed
Marriage, (male and female uniting to become one
flesh, blessed by the Church).

 Christ told His apostles, ―It [domineering others] shall not be
so among you but whoever would be great among you must
be your servant‖ (Mt 20: 26). For as St. Paul told the
Corinthians: ―For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus
Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus'
sake.‖ This implies that we interiorize the compassion of
Christ: ―When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for
them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep
without a shepherd.‖ (Mt 9: 36). This recognizes that the priest
and all who are true Christians ―Put on then, as God's chosen
ones, holy and
beloved, compassion, kindness, lowliness, meekness, and
patience, forbearing one another…‖. (Col3: 12-13). For as St.
Paul explains ―if one member suffers, all suffer together; if one
member is honored, all rejoice together. Now you are the body
of Christ and individually members of it. (1Cor 12: 26-27)

 For the priestly office is indeed discharged on earth, but it ranks amongst heavenly
ordinances; and very naturally so: for neither man, nor angel, nor archangel, nor any other
created power, but the Paraclete Himself, instituted this vocation, and persuaded men while
still abiding in the flesh to represent the ministry of angels. Wherefore the consecrated
priest ought to be as pure as if he were standing in the heavens themselves in the midst of
those powers. Fearful, indeed, and of most awful import, were the things which were used
before the dispensation of grace, as the bells, the pomegranates, the stones on the
breastplate and on the ephod, the girdle, the mitre, the long robe, the plate of gold, the holy
of holies, the deep silence within. But if any one should examine the things which belong to
the dispensation of grace, he will find that, small as they are, yet are they fearful and full of
awe, and that what was spoken concerning the law is true in this case also, that "what has
been made glorious hath no glory in this respect by reason of the glory which excelleth."
For when thou seest the Lord sacrificed, and laid upon the altar, and the priest standing and
praying over the victim, and all the worshippers empurpled with that precious blood, canst
thou then think that thou art still amongst men, and standing upon the earth? Art thou
not, on the contrary, straightway translated to Heaven, and casting out every carnal thought
from the soul, dost thou not with disembodied spirit and pure reason contemplate the things
which are in Heaven? Oh! what a marvel! what love of God to man! He who sitteth on high
with the Father is at that hour held in the hands of all, and gives Himself to those who are
willing to embrace and grasp Him. And this all do through the eyes of faith!
[http://orthodoxchurchfathers.com/?mode=frames&query=Treatise%20on%20the%20
Priesthood&width=512]

 SpiritualCounseling is based on Spiritual
Fatherhood, which in turn is based on the
relation ship of the Person‘s of the Holy
Trinity among themselves, which starts
with the Father who is the ―Begetter.‖

 Knowledge of the Mysteries of God
 Scrutinizing the heart

 Summary of the teachings of St. Irenaeus [Hausherr, I.
(1990), Spiritual Direction in the Early Christian East.
Spencer, MA: Cistercian Publications.

 The Clinical Ph.D. program at Rutgers
University is an American Psychological
Association accredited training program. We
are a member of the Academy of
Psychological Clinical Science, a coalition of
doctoral and internship training programs that
share a common goal of producing and
applying scientific knowledge [emphasis
mine] to the assessment, understanding, and
amelioration of human problems.

 Clinicalfaculty conduct research on cognitive
and behavior therapies, health
psychology, psychophysiology, applied
behavior analysis, prevention, substance
abuse, emotional intelligence, cognitive
functioning, eating disorders, anxiety
disorders, and autism. Students have the
opportunity to work with
child, adolescent, adult, and older adult
populations in multiple research labs at
Rutgers and affiliated institutions. The training
approach relies heavily upon a mentorship
model of training.

2003 2004 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010

Number of 345 340 354 273 244 260 296 275
Applicants
Number 12 9 9 8 8 12 7 7
Offered
Admission
Size of 8 8 7 4 4 8 3 5
Incoming
Class
Number of 8 8 7 4 4 8 3 5
Incoming
Students
Receiving
Full Support

GRE Data 2003 2004 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010
(Average
Scores)
Verbal 622 680 670 650 690 640 720 660

Quantitativ 717 750 700 720 750 690 720 710
e

 PSY 2900 Professional Ethics
 PSY 2445 Psychotherapy Research
 PSY 3800 Psychometric Theory
 PSY 2430 Cultural, Racial, and Ethnic Bases of Behavior
 PSY 3250 Psychological Testing
 PSY 2050 History of Psychology
 PSY 1951 Intermediate Quantitative Methods
 PSY 1952 Multivariate Analysis in Psychology
 PSY 2040 Contemporary Topics in Psychopathology
 PSY 2460 Diagnostic Interviewing
 PSY 2420 Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Psychological Disorders

 Clinical students must also take one course in each of the following substantive areas: biological bases of
behavior (e.g., PSY 2480, Human Neuropsychology/Neuroanatomy; PSY 2450, Affective and Social
Neuroscience; PSY 1808, Neurobiological Aspects of Psychopathology); social bases of behavior
(e.g., PSY 2500 Advanced Social Psychology); cognitive-affective bases of behavior (e.g., PSY 2400
Cognitive Psychology and Emotional Disorders); and individual differences (Required course PSY 2040
Contemporary Topics in Psychopathology fulfills the individual differences requirement for State
licensure).

 In accordance with American Psychological Association guidelines for the accreditation of clinical
psychology programs, clinical students also receive consultation and supervision within the context of
clinical practica in psychological assessment and treatment beginning in their second semester of their
first year and running through their third year. They receive further exposure to additional topics
(e.g., human development) in the Developmental Psychopathology seminar and in the twice-monthly
clinical psychology ―brown bag‖ speaker series. Finally, students complete a year-long clinical internship.

 Qualifying Examination before beginning
Dissertation 16 hours (2 8 hr days)-Covers
all areas in psychology
 Dissertation Defense (Oral Test 2-3 hours)

 Complete 3,000 hours of qualifying
supervised professional experience, 1,500
of which must be accrued post-doctorally.
For further information about supervised
professional experience, please review
section 1387 of the California Code of
Regulations at
http://www.psychboard.ca.gov/lawsregs/
 Taking a written and oral state examination

Spiritual Ethos The Church Fathers teach that
the intellect is a characteristic of the highest
value, given by God, that a person can possess.
Intellect does not mean high intelligence
necessarily, but the faculty of intellect, namely, the
ability to reason, distinguish, create, and all the
qualities associated with it. Further, there is a moral
imperative implied in their assessment. Since the
intellect is a gift from God, we must exercise the
intellect to the best of our ability. Neglecting the power
of the intellect means we are not conforming to the will
of God. Consequently, we must use the full measure of
our intellects in the theory and practice of psychology.

 By consensus the Church Fathers
consider:
 Intelligence to be related to the spiritual
perception of God and that which is Godly
and which is inspired by Him.
 Reason is a faculty of the soul related to
mind. It is discursive and uses logic. St.
John of Damascus calls it a ―sense of the
soul,‖ also called ―[a faculty]‖ Philokalia II

 St. Maximus the Confessor taught: "the
grace of the most Holy Spirit does not
confer wisdom on the Saints without their
natural intellect as capacity to receive it."
Goodness and wisdom is granted to man
by his "volitive faculty, so that what He
(Christ) is in His essence the creature may
become by participation" [Philokalia II]

 Since the rules that govern the world are
written into the very fabric of creation and
discerned by reason, the
atheist, agnostic, or those committed to
Christ can discover what they are.
Uncovering them is not dependent on
whether or not one believes in God. Use of
a faculty (reason) in which we are made in
God‘s image makes it a Godly task.

 What is termed the "scientific method" is the
procedure by which scientific inquiry takes place.
The scientific method is not static, but dynamic and
ever changing that is refined as scientists get
better at doing the "work of science." In psychology
for example, as recent as thirty years ago only
individual research studies were done. In the last
few years researchers have been able to take the
results of many individual studies to analyze the
effects as a single study in a statistical procedure
called "meta-analysis" Advances like this
frequently occur.

 Observations. Observations are defined by the procedures
used in measuring or assessing a subject; e.g. the intelligence
of an individual is defined operationally by the score on a valid
and reliable intelligence test.

 Hypothesis. These are assumptions or guesses as to how
observations are related to each other to predict observable
and measurable outcomes.

 Falsifiability: A hypothesis must be falsifiable. A "good
hypothesis" can be falsified while a "bad outcome" cannot be
falsified.

 Data Collection. Individuals chosen to be subjects in studies should be randomly
selected. Subjects need informed consent but should be unbiased so as not to
influence the outcome of a study. Researchers also have to be unbiased.
Further, extra factors (variables) have to be eliminated in the studies. For
example, say a researcher is studying whether a new vitamin promotes growth and
designs a study so that only males makeup the vitamin group (the group taking the
vitamin) while females makeup the control group (the group taking a placebo). The
study is biased because an equal number of both sexes should makeup both groups.

 Data Analysis and Reporting. Measurements are analyzed, interpreted, and
reported by accepted statistical methods. If the predicted outcome occurs this is
considered support for the hypothesis.

 Special Studies. Strictly speaking, case studies, correlation
investigations, naturalistic observations, questionnaires, and surveys are not
experiments. They are the source of the hypotheses that lead to experimental
investigations.

Psychoanalysis
• Circular Reasoning
• Reification

 It is unethical, negligent, immoral, and sinful to use
non-scientific psychological methods for the treatment
of mental disorders, for educational purposes, to
promote family & social functioning, provide pastoral
care and other efforts toward behavior change. Only
when psychological methods are submitted to scientific
discipline can they be considered reputable,
trustworthy, and ultimately helpful.
 Mental health practitioners must keep up with the
scientific research in their field. Likewise educators and
parents should know the techniques shown to be
effective with their families and children. Clergy should
be informed of real scientific interventions to aid their
pastoral ministry and make proper referrals.

 Bishop Hierotheos (1998) states that the use of contemporary
psychology to guide men is a secular view of pastoral care and
cannot substitute for asceticism and the hesychasm (silence) taught
by the Church. God as both the source and end of a person's healing
and sets the precepts of sound psychological practice squarely
where it belongs: in the tradition of the Church., "Pastoral care is the
work of the Church...it is the Church's method for guiding men
toward deification."
 Scientific psychology is not a substitute for the asceticism, the
spiritual wisdom of the Church Fathers, hesychaism (silence),
prayer, the Holy Mysteries (sacraments), all the constituents that
make up life in the Church. Rather it complements the teachings
about how the Christian life ought to be lived. Scientific psychology is
a tool, based on our God given reason, to foster communion with
God. In the spirit of St. Luke and all the physicians of the Church:
healing should lead to thanksgiving and blessing towards God.
 Vlachos, Bishop Hierotheos, (1998). The Mind of the Orthodox Church. Lavadia, Greece: Birth of the Theotokos
Monastery.

A Primer on Principles of Behavior
 A Primer on Cognitive-Behavioral-Emotive
Interaction

 All must be done in the spirit of an "Orthodox Family
Culture―: the totality of family actions, behaviors and
beliefs should be permeated by Orthodox teachings and
practice. By marriage the Orthodox couple is ‗ordained‘
so to speak or commissioned to create an Orthodox
home and family a ‗domestic church‘, a ‗little church in
the home.‘ The Orthodox wedding prayer states: "Unite
them in one mind and one flesh, and grant them fair
children for education in thy faith and fear
[acknowledging the awesome, transcendent God]. By
daily prayer together, scripture reading, attendance at
Divine Liturgy and Services and bringing a Christian view
of world events into the family, Christ can be at the center
of every home.

 Parents should inform their children what are the
behaviors they want from their children. Reasonable
boundaries should be set and then maintained by
cognitive-behavioral management techniques. These
techniques are based on behavioral science research.
God made us in His image and we are called to be like
Him. The Church Fathers have told us that one of the
important ways we are made in His image is in our
reason and free will. Therefore when we use the tools
and techniques science offers us we are conforming to
the image of God in which He made us. Also did not
Our Lord tell us to "be wise as serpents" (Mat. 10:16)?
Using behavioral science tools in Christ's name is
surely following His Divine Will.

 Parents want their children to behave appropriately. We have to have
in mind exactly what behaviors are appropriate and/or inappropriate.
These behaviors (and their boundaries or limits) will change
depending on the age, maturity, peers, and culture of the
child, surroundings and family. As a general rule, boundaries grow
with age. A little visual graphic of a series of boxes from small to
large may be useful in explaining this. A child has freedom within the
box, The sides represent the boundaries (set by parents, society and
our Orthodox Christian morality). As a child gets older the box gets
bigger. Note however that there are still boundaries. [This is true
even as adults.] As a rule the boundaries should be enforceable and
not too different from the child's peer group. For example, bedtime
set at 7:00 PM for a 13 yr old is 'to small a box', 1:00 am would be 'to
large a box' (more suited for someone almost 18 years with
supervision). Unrealistic boundaries undermine the authority and
credibility of parents and invite rule breaking.

 Behavioral Pinpointing is what is:
• Said
• Done
• When
• Where

 The abstraction trap has to be avoided:
• Use of general terms: ―be good,‖ or ―don‘t be
bad.‖

 ―Pinpointing" behavior is usually the most difficult for parents
to learn. The definition is easy: what is the child doing or
saying, when, and where. It is the opposite of general
descriptions. For example, describing a toddler's eating as
"good" is totally useless. Telling a child "You were bad today
..." is equally meaningless. Words like "good, bad, hostile,
considerate ...etc." are all abstract words: meaningless for
behavioral management. If a teacher reports back to you that
your son was hostile today. What does this mean? It could
mean anything from the child using some rude word to a
classmate, to picking up a baseball bat and hitting someone.
These are examples of pinpointed statements: "While standing
on the lunch line John kicked Sheila"; "While sitting at dinner
Todd placed his milk glass an inch from the edge of the table
and he hit into it when he swung around."

 In giving instructions, parents often fall into the
"abstraction trap": "When we get to Grandma's I want you
to be "good" today. Compare this to a behavioral
pinpointed instruction. "Elizabeth, when we get to
Grandma's I want you to play with your Barbie doll at the
table and if you want something to eat or drink I want you
to ask Mommy or Daddy. OK. Remember don't leave
your play area unless you ask first." The child knows
exactly what is expected from him or her. (This is also
true for adults. Poor spouses, managers etc. ask others
to "try harder" or be "more detailed" or "care more;" not
realizing these terms are abstractions, having many
different possible interpretations, and are ineffective in
communication and in facilitating behavior change)

 The events that follow a behavior will
determine if the behavior gets stronger or
weaker. There are basically two types of
events that follow behavior: Rewards (or
reinforcements) and punishments.

 Positive(+) Reinforcement: Behaviors
(good or bad) increase when followed by a
pleasant (to the child) consequence
 Negative (-) Reinforcement: Behaviors
(good or bad) increase when followed by
taking away an unpleasant (to the child)
consequence

 Positive(+) Punishment: Behaviors (good
or bad) are decreased when followed by
an unpleasant (to the child) consequence.

 Negative (-) Punishment: Behaviors (good
or bad) are decreased when taking away a
pleasant (to the child) consequence.

 If a child places their dirty dishes in the sink (a good behavior) and
the parent says "Mary, I am proud of you for putting your dish in the
sink," (and the child smiles noting pleasure at the praise) such good
behaviors will increase. But suppose Joseph is told to drink his milk
and he defiantly says "No" (a bad behavior) and you say "Yes you
will" and he says "No" again (not only a bad behavior but now an
additional bad behavior because he is talking back to you) and you
say again "I told you, you will drink your milk" Such bad behaviors
will increase. Why? Because they are followed by rewarding
consequences. The parent is attending to bad behavior. [Note. In this
case Joseph should be told ahead of time the consequence of not
drinking his milk, (or better: the favorable consequence or outcome
of drinking his milk) "Joseph if you don't drink your milk you will have
an extra garbage chore to do." (or "You will not watch your 7:00 PM
TV show." (alternatively: "Joseph, if you drink your milk, we will do
your garbage chore for you today," or "You will get to watch that
show on TV at 7:00 PM that you wanted."] Simply say it once and
then apply the consequence.

 Parents also want to decrease bad or inappropriate behaviors. This
is done my making sure unpleasant or unfavorable events
(punishments) follow inappropriate behaviors. Mike is playing
Nintendo instead of doing his homework. His parent may say "Well
Mike you decided to play instead of doing your homework, you will
loose Nintendo for one day until this time tomorrow. (punishment) If
you do your homework tomorrow right after school and finish by 5:00
PM you can earn back the Nintendo game." (This is expressed as
reward for appropriate behavior). There is a very important lesson in
this example. When using punishment a parent must make sure that
it is followed by rewarding appropriate behavior. Research has
shown that punishment by itself is ineffective. Also at all times
punishment should be said in a soft tone (unemotionally). Follow the
advise of Teddy Roosevelt: "Speak softly and carry a big stick." In
this example the "stick" is simply the consequences of the
inappropriate behavior. (e.g. in the loss of the Nintendo game).

 The child cognitively focused on the relation between his/her
behavior and the consequence. If the parent gives the
consequence in an angry tone the child thinks "Boy is Mom or
Dad mean" ... they are right and the child just lost the
connection between their own inappropriate behavior and
punishment. The child's attention is now focused on the parent
(and the mean tone of voice).
 The child does not learn and resentment builds.
 Often angry behavior modeled by the parent is performed by
the child. This angry behavior would be considered by the
parent as inappropriate for the child to display. If this happens
the parent has lost out twice (the child does not learn the
original homework-Nintendo connection and is instead
learning (from the parent ) that angry behavior is OK.

 Children are especially susceptible to being influenced
by modeling (also known as observational learning)
although the effects of modeling occur at all ages.
Psychological research has found substantial support
for the influence of modeling in children's learning and
resultant performance (Bandura, 1986) The work of
Gerald Patterson (Patterson, DeBarsyshe &
Ramsey, 1989) suggests that prosocial as well as
deviant social behavior is heavily influenced by
observing the social exchanges in the family, as well
as the child's temperament, parental discipline style
and personality, and the social context of the family.
[Bandura, A. (1986).Social foundations of thought and action: A social cognitive theory. Englewood
Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall; Patterson, G.R., DeBarsyshe, B.D., & Ramsey, E. (1989). A developmental
perspective on antisocial behavior. American Psychologist, 44, 329-335]

 Children are among the greatest hypocrisy detectors in the
world. When they witness and experience a discrepancy
between what they are taught by Christ and His Church and
what is practiced in the Domestic Church the consequences
are spiritually and morally devastating. The disconnect is
immediately seen. The children's faith in the credibility of the
Christian understanding of husband-wife, father-
mother, family life and/or the moral authority of Christ and
the message of His Church is shattered. Contemplate Our
Lord's dire warning: "Whoever causes one of these little
ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him if a
great millstone were hung round his neck and he were
thrown into the sea." (Mk 9:42).

 Shaping is defined as the rewarding of successive
approximations of the correct response. I
purposely used the example of the milk glass and
the plate above. It is an example almost every
parent will recognize because it is frequently in
such a situation that parents first encounter this
problem. Invariably, most children place their milk
glass at the very edge of the table next to their
plates. Invariably children fidget, twist, and swing
around with body and arms. Invariably the milk
glass is hit and the milk spills all over. Sometimes I
almost think there has been more milk spilt than
has gone into their children's little bellies.

 Consistency means applying these techniques as
close to 100% of the time as humanly possible. In
clinical-pastoral settings, in order to make the point of
how important consistency is, I will sometimes rather
dramatically say to parents: "I don't want 95%
consistency or 99.5 % consistency nor 99.9%
consistency, but 100% consistency." Consistency is
most important when learning new behaviors. It is also
most important when dealing with problematic
inappropriate behaviors. But individual differences in
strength of appropriately-learned behavior are also
very important and must be taken into account when
applying the consistency tool.

 A favorable psychological or spiritual result can be brought about by
acquiring the skill of assertiveness to communicate viewpoints and
feelings. Assertiveness is defined as an honest and true
communication of real feelings in a socially acceptable way. This
definition has two qualifications: 1) The assertive utterance should
be pleasant, or at least neutral, in tone of voice (also
called pragmatics of speech); and 2) only delivered when pleasant or
neutral communication fails to bring about the desired result. If this
approach fails, only then should an escalation of words and
increasing communication pragmatics (tone of
voice, volume, pitch, etc.) be employed.
 For the Christian a third corollary applies: All assertive pragmatics
must be done in the love of Christ which includes
patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control -
what is known in scriptural terminology as the "fruit of the Spirit
(Galatians 5: 22-23)" (Morelli, G. (2006c, July 02). Assertiveness and Christian
Charity.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliAssertiveness.php.).

 The Problem: At times a family member, or
even someone outside the family will
stubbornly insist on his or her own viewpoint
and be intent to prove the other wrong. It
almost appears like warfare in which the
insisting one will not back off until their
spouse or child declares "unconditional
surrender." Morelli, (2010a) discussed a very
effective communication tool in dealing with
such situations. It can be used in situations in
which your point of view is rejected outright. It
is called the disarming technique:

 After expressing your view to a person and it is rejected,
disarming becomes a powerful way to deflect conflict.
Basically it makes a neutral statement about the other
individual‘s response. One does not have to agree to what
was said and what you consider false, so truth as you see
does not have to be compromised. This is especially important
if the truth you expressed and that was rejected by another
individual reflects the orthodox teaching of Christ and His
Church. Some representative Disarming Responses: ―Hum!
That‘s an idea;‖ ―That is one way of looking at it;‖ ―That‘s a
possibility;‖ ―That‘s a point to consider.‖ If the person you are
communicating with is a friend and you want to maintain the
friendship and they keep pursuing the point a last effort
communication might be: ―Well if we want to keep our
friendship, we will just have to agree to disagree on this point.‖
[Morelli, G. (2010, April 09). The Disarming Technique. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/morelli-the-disarming-
technique]

 With Godly insight into the problem of what we today are calling
consistency, St. John Chrysostom, using the vocabulary of his
day, warns parents about providing "external safeguards of wealth
and fame", what we have been calling rewards, which shield them
from "the winds."
 In the words of the golden-mouthed Saint:
 ―Don't surround them with the external safeguards of wealth and
fame, for when these fail -- and they will fail -- our children will stand
naked and defenseless (Morelli: never having learned
responsibility), having gained no profit from their former
prosperity, but only injury, since when those artificial protections that
shielded them from the wind are removed they will be blown to the
ground in a moment. Therefore wealth is a hindrance, because it
leaves us unprepared for the hardships of life. So let us raise our
children in such a way that they can face any trouble and not be
surprised when difficulties come."


 Authoritarian
 Authoritative
 Neglectful
 Permissive

 Morelli, G. (2006, February 4). Smart Parenting Part II: Behavioral Management Techniques.
www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliParenting2.php.

 [Morelli, G. (2009, May 22). Smart Parenting XVI: Styles of Parenting

http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/smart-parenting-xvi-styles-of-parenting ]

 This parenting style communicates and explains household rules to
the child in a respectful and warm, but firm, tone. Often
communicating the consequences of non-compliance is enough to
influence behavior (Morelli, 2006). Research shows this to be the
most effective parenting style (Baumrind, 1991). Parents who use
the Authoritative Style set boundaries and even high standards for
their children. However, these parents are less concerned with
having obedient children as an entitlement of their parenthood, as
they are with shaping the behavior of their children for the child‘s
good and welfare. They are attentive to their child‘s point of view, but
will then explain the reason for the family rules which have been set.
Within the boundaries of the family rules which have been explained
to the child, they encourage the child to make their own
decisions, be autonomous, individualistic and independent. They are
less likely to employ physical punishment, but are adept and skillful
in applying rewards and punishments in a scientific (and spiritually
sound [Baumrind, D. (1991). ―Parenting Styles and Adolescent Development,‖ in J. Brooks-
Gunn, R. Lerner & A. C. Petersen (eds.), The Encyclopedia on Adolescence, 746–758. New York:
Garland.]

 Ourperceptions or interpretations of
events trigger our emotional responses
and our subsequent behaviors

 Rational Perceptions: Functional emotions
and behaviors
 Irrational Perceptions: Dysfunctional
emotions and behaviors

 Christian
parents must use the scientific
understanding of human behavior in a
synergia with authentic communion with
Christ and His Church and the expression
of genuine Christian love for their children.

 Selective Abstraction
 Arbitrary Inference
 Personalization
 Polarization
 Generalization
 Demanding Expectations
 Catastrophizing
 Emotional Reasoning
 Beck, J.S. (1995). Cognitive Therapy: Basics and Beyond. NY: Guilford; Ellis, A. (1962). Reason and Emotion in
Psychotherapy. Secaucus, NJ: Lyle Stuart.; Morelli, G. (2006, March 25). Smart Parenting III: Developing Emotional
Control.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliParenting3.php.

 Selective abstraction is focusing on one event
while excluding others. An example would be
a parent that selectively focuses on a bad
grade their child just received on their report
card, while ignoring good grades in other
subjects. This irrational perception might lead
to anger or depression. Such a parent might
lash out at the child instead of praising the
child for the good grades the child received
and coming up with a solution to improve the
bad grade.

 Arbitraryinference is drawing a conclusion
unwarranted by the facts in an ambiguous
situation. A parent, in a situation similar to
the one described above, might conclude
the child's next grade report would
continue to be unsatisfactory. This would
lead to further anger and depression.

 Personalization is attributing an event that
occurs in personal and subjective terms. For
example, a father may become angry or
depressed thinking that her child is
deliberately getting bad grades to "get back at
him." A typical statement that reveals
personalization is taking place is, "why are
you doing this to me?" The parent
immediately personalizes the statement with
no evidence that the child was deliberately
trying to do this.

 Polarization is perceiving or interpreting
events in all or nothing terms. A parent may
become depressed after the child receives
a B rather than A on the child's report card
and feel that the child is a poor student. This
parent polarizes events into two categories, in
this case good student vs. bad student, and
fails to see that all events can be graded on a
continuum that extends beyond the two poles.
On such a scale a B grade is closer to
an A than to an F, for example

 Generalization is the tendency to see things
in always or never categories. A parent
becomes depressed when viewing their
child's bad behavior. The parent irrationally
concludes that the child will "never change
and will always" be the same. The dysphoria
may lead to a self defeating pattern of
behavior which further distances the parent
and her child thereby setting herself up for the
very thing she did not want: a badly behaving
child.

 Demanding Expectations are beliefs that there are
laws or rules that have to be obeyed. For
example, a parent may be depressed because his
child talked back to him. They may (irrationally)
believe that a universal law disallows the back talk
and, once broken, allows the parent to become
upset. The parent forgets that obedience cannot
be coerced. Even God asks, rather than
compels, us to obey Him; a contingency that exists
because mankind is created free (another
characteristic of man being created in the image
and likeness of God, Morelli, 2006). [Morelli, G. (2006, March
6). Asceticism and Psychology in the Modern World.
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliMonasticism.php]

 Catastrophizing is the perception that
something is more than one hundred
percent bad, terrible or awful. Citing the
example above, a parent who reacts to her
son's talking back as if it's the end of the
world falls into catastrophic thinking. The
response is usually an out of control anger.

 Emotional Reasoning is the judgment that feelings
are facts. A parent may feel that her child does not
like her. When she is asked how she knows this
the response is usually that "my feelings are
always right." She confuses the ‗reality‘ of her
feelings with the tools needed to objectively prove
a fact (which feelings are incapable of doing). An
effective response that clarifies the distinction to a
person bound to emotional reasoning is, "No
matter how strongly some people felt at the world
was flat, (before 1492 AD) the world was really
round. ‗Feeling‘ that something is true does not
mean that it ‗is‘ true.

 Once parents recognize their thinking is
distorted (distorted cognitions) regarding
their children, they have to change or
restructure the irrational thinking. Three
questions can be posed to help them
change their thinking:
• Where is the evidence?
• Is there any other way of looking at it?
• Is it as bad as it seems?

 A parent concludes (arbitrary inference) that after a bad grade
their child's performance will never improve (generalization).
Answering the three questions might help the parents come up
with a more rational approach and be less angry or depressed.
 The parent might reason:
 ―True my child did get a poor grade, but with the teacher's help
and specific tutoring my child could improve and raise his grade.
Another way of looking at it is I do not even know why the poor
grade was earned. If I talk to the teacher and find out more,
maybe we can find a solution to the problem. It is not as bad as it
seemed a moment ago. I see I can do something about it.‖
 Following this change in thinking (called: cognitive restructuring
process), parents begin to feel less angry, anxious, and
depressed. They become more behaviorally pro-active in dealing
with their child's problem.

 Special considerations are necessary for demanding
expectations and Catastrophizing occurs. Parents
with demanding expectations frequently try to impose
(sometimes forcibly) a personal set of rules on their
children. Laws of nature like gravity are inviolate. God
made the universe to function by these laws. Social
laws and norms however, are of a different type. They
implicitly recognize a person's capacity for
freedom, particularly his volition in determining
whether or not to obey them. Man cannot violate the
natural laws like gravity, but he is free to disobey God's
commandments as well as social norms, laws, and
family rules.

 Neither God nor Godly parents want these social rules
to be disobeyed. The behavioral management
techniques discussed above are intended to help
parents teach their children to obey God's
commandments and the reasonable family rules set by
parents.
 The recognition that obedience to the commandments
of God as well as the reasonable norms of society
cannot be coerced is not meant to diminish a person's
responsibility toward them. Understanding that the
expectation of obedience functions as a ‗preference‘
rather than a ‗demand‘ however, avoids the emotional
overreactions triggered by Demanding
Expectations and Catastrophizing.

 When the rich young man did not follow
our Lord's counsel, the Gospels do not
report that Jesus displayed a "hot"
emotion. If anything, the emotion of Jesus
could be described as disappointed but
"cool" (Matthew 19: 16-30). If this were a
parenting situation, it would be an
opportunity to use the previously
discussed behavioral management tools.

A special cognitive technique has been
shown to be effective with
catastrophizing (Burns 1989, Morelli, 2004).
(When actual trauma situations in a family
occur frequently the priest or a mental health
clinician will be involved; a situation
addressed below.) The technique involves
evaluating the situations on a zero to 100
scale, with zero being the most pleasant thing
event that could imagined. Burns, D.D. (1989). The Feeling Good
Handbook: Using the new mood therapy in everyday life. NY: William Morrow.

 Parents seldom have trouble imaging a very pleasant event
(zero). Sitting on a sun drenched tropical beach is a typical
image. They often need help however, imaging a worst event
scenario (100) in graphic terms. Parents seldom have trouble
imaging a very pleasant event (zero). They often need help
however, imaging a worst event scenario (100) in graphic
terms.
 In pastoral and clinical counseling I use of the example of the
particularly horrifying death of a medical missionary in South
East Asia several years ago to help parents create their
'Mental-Ruler.' After starvation failed to kill the physician
quickly, his captors placed chopsticks in his ears and
hammered them in a little each day, until the chopsticks
penetrated his brain, resulting in an agonizing death.

 Parents will frequently say the untimely
death of their child is the most awful thing
on earth. The word "death" is an abstract
sanitized (and therefore useless) term.

 The priest should take care not to inadvertently endorse a catastrophic
mental ruler appraisal. The loss of a child is a bad thing. Appropriate sorrow
and grief is a natural and normal human reaction. Unless the type of death
the child suffered reaches the 100 point on the "Mental Ruler Scale"
however, it is less than the most terrible thing that could happen to a person.
 In the case of the death of a child the parish priest or clinician would usually
be available to the family during this time. It is important to let the grieving
process occur and allow the parents and loved ones to express their deep
feelings. Pastoral or clinical intervention during this time would be highly
inappropriate. Simply being in the presence of the grieving parents and
family with compassionate love, support, and prayer, would be an
appropriate application of Christ's healing ministry.
 A priest may unintentionally say something like, "Oh! isn't it awful," or "Oh!
How unbelievably terrible," thereby adding to the hurt of the grieving parent.
An more appropriate response would be "I am sorry for your loss, may God
have mercy on us, may your child be numbered among His loved ones," to
avoid affirming and contributing to the Catastrophizing the parents display.

 Further, catastrophic evaluations
frequently broadcast a lack of commitment
to Christ. As true followers of
Christ, Orthodox Christian parents must
understanding that God who freely gives
life also calls us all back to Him. No one
has the right to even a single breath not to
mention a set number of years of life.

 ―When I see Christians cry because their
fathers passed away, I am upset, for they
neither believe, nor understand that death
is simply a journey to a life of another kind.
Ageloglou, Priestmonk Christodoulos. (1998). Elder Paisios of the Holy Mountain. Mt.
Athos, Greece. Holy Mountain Press.

• Let us glorify and worship Jesus, the
Word of God, Who, according to His
love, came to save us by His
cross, and is coming again to
resurrect Adam‘s children in the
great day when His majesty shall
shine forth.

 All events, even tragic ones, have some meaning. God can
make all things new - even out of the worst tragedies
(Revelation 21:5). We have to trust in God and his purposes. It
falls on the priest to use spiritual as well as psychological
means to aid parents who are struggling with the meaning of
the death of their child.
 For parents who are trying to master emotion management,
prayer, selected spiritual reading, and the holy mysteries have
to be the foundation of any psychological change. Parents are
called to experience God in their hearts. If God indwells in us,
all things are possible. The words of our Lord can motivate us
to learn the sometimes difficult task of emotional control: "With
men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible"
(Matthew 19:26).

 The Blessed Orthodox Marriage

 HUMAN LOVE IS INCORPORATED INTO
THE KINGDOM OF GOD- DIVINE LOVE
 ST. CLEMENT OF ALEXANDRIA:
―HOUSE OF GOD‖: ―I AM IN THE MIDST
OF THEM‖ [MT 18:20]

 MARRIAGE IS THE IMAGE OF GOD‘S
FAITHFUL LOVE FOR ISRAEL
 THE CROWNING:
JOY: THE COUPLE IN A SPIRIT OF LOVE IS UNITED
FOR ETERNITY; TRANSFORM THEMSELVES INTO
THE LIKENESS OF GOD BY EMMANUAL (GOD
WITH US) [IS 7:14] ‗DANCE AROUND THE GOSPEL
BOOK
MARTYRDOM: ENORMOUS SELF SACRIFICE: THE
COUPLE BECOME MARTYRS IN THEIR OWN
RIGHT: KENOSIS-THE SELF EMPTYING CHRIST

 The Orthodox Wedding Ceremony. After
praying that the servant and handmaiden
be united by God, the priest continues:
―Unite them in one mind and one flesh,
and grant them fair children for education
in thy faith and fear [acknowledging the
awesome, transcendent God].

 Bytheir marriage Orthodox couple is
ordained so to speak or commissioned to
create an Orthodox home and family (The
Domestic Church). This is the vocation of
Orthodox marriage.

 ‖. The existence of a ―home church‖ dating
from Apostolic times comes right from St.
Paul. In his instruction to the Romans (16:3,5)
he says: ―Greet Prisca and Aquila, my fellow
workers in Christ Jesus, … greet also the
church in their house.‖ And to the Corinthians
(16:19) he says: ―The churches of Asia send
greetings. Aquila and Prisca, together with the
church in their house, send you hearty
greetings in the Lord. ―.

 Thisrequires that parents not only be
hearers of the Word, but also doers of the
Word. They must learn the way of God,
particularly His design for marriage and
family through study, prayer, being united
to His Church through obedience,
reception of its Holy Mysteries and practice
of the spiritual life.

 Ideally, a true Orthodox Christian domestic church
in our day should look like (but is not limited to)
something like this: Jesus Christ is at the center or
hub. Husbands, and wives, as such, and as fathers
and mothers, should be the leaders of the "church
at home" in Christ's name. They should bless one
another and their children, bless the food which is
partaken, give thanksgiving for all that God has
provided (house, furnishings, etc.), thank God for
health and talents, and lead by the sanctity of their
conduct as well as their words.

 No catechesis can take place without the full
deployment of the Domestic Church. The Orthodox
family home has to reflect in its entirety the
teachings of Christ and the application of these
teachings as understood by His Church in the
world today. Formal parish catechetical lessons
usually at best may last 45 minutes to 1 hour a
week. The number of hours in an entire week is
168 hours. Considering of the importance of
models in shaping behavior, how much impact can
a 1 hour Church School have when it is not
reflected in the family lifestyle during the other 167
hours comprising the week?

 It
all begins with pre-marital counseling
 Evaluation of
• Commitment
• Loyalty
• Moral values
• Sexual intimacy
• Importance of the God, the teachings of Christ
and His Church
• Romance

• Companionship
• Forgiveness
• Trust
• Respect
• Sensitivity
• Sex-Gender roles
• Physical attractiveness
• Sexual faithfulness
• Faithfulness during times of trial and tribulations

 ―AsI turned my attention to the problems
of couples, I found that they showed the
same kind of thinking aberrations—
cognitive distortions—as my depressed
and anxious patients…they were unhappy,
tense and angry…they tended to fixate on
what was wrong with their marriages and
disregard—or blind themselves to—what
was good.‖ Beck, A.T. (1988). Love is Never Enough. NY: Harper & Rowe

 Romantic Love
 Togetherness
 Romantic Fulfillment
 Fear of Being Alone
 Rejection Phobia
 Inclusion
 Trapped
 Perfectionism
 Disapproval

 Permission Seeking
 Domination/Submission
 Pleasing Others
 Anti-Negotiation
 ENTITLEMENT
 RECIPROCITY
 NAGGING
 Help Addiction
 Superman/Superwoman

 Achievement
 Romantic Personalization
 Parental Personalization
 Conflict Phobia
 Justice
 Coercion
 Hopelessness/Helplessness
 Ultimatum
 Disclosure Demand

 Truth
 Sameness
 Disclosure
Phobia
 Mind-Reading

THE UNHOLY TRINITY:
• ENTITLEMENT
• RECIPROCITY
• NAGGING

 You feel you deserve love, happiness,
respect, because of your ―title‖ (mother-
father/husband-wife) and when people do
not live up to your expectations you have
the right to feel angry and taken advantage
of.
 Antidote: Preferences based on love and
people‘s freedom

 You feel you have the right to have others
do for you if you have done something for
them even if they never agreed or even
knew about it ---a unilateral contract
 Antidote: be upfront tell people what you
want if you want them to do something for
you before you do something

 You feel expressing persistent reminders is
the best way to get others to do what you
want – people in order to maintain control
over their lives will frequently do the
opposite of what you want
 Antidote: After a single preplanned
cue, giving people freedom to be part of
the decision making process regarding
their own behavior.

 The "Preference Scale" is a tool I developed years
ago in my clinical and pastoral practice to help
couples negotiate the conflicts and collaborate on
the problems that marriage inevitably imposes.
This tool can foster effective communication and
eventual compromise between husband and wife.
The clinician, chaplain, or pastor can help a couple
master the tool, particularly in terms of "debriefing,"
where the couple develops a deeper
understanding of previous conflicts that helps them
learn how to handle future conflicts in more
constructive ways.

 The scale runs from +10 down to -10:
 +10 +9 +8 +7 +6 +5 +4 +3 +2 +1 [0] -1 -2 -3 -4 -5 -6 -7 -8 -9 -10

 On the plus side of the scale activities or events
that a spouse likes are rated; the greater the
like, the higher the positive number. On the
minus side activities or events that are disliked
are rated; the greater the dislike, the higher the
negative number. Morelli, G. (2007, June 5). Good Marriage IV: The "Preference Scale" - A tool

.
for Communication, Negotiation and Collaboration. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles7/MorelliSmartMarriageIV.php

 Staying focused involves each spouse
understanding the core view or the other and not
focusing on tangential issues.

 Case Study Presenting Problem:
• Several years ago I counseled a couple that was
unhappy, particularly the wife who initiated the counseling.
She described the source of the unhappiness in her
marriage as her "husband's obsession with golf." She
indicated that he played golf every chance he got and that
when he got home he was so tired he had no energy for
anything else. She "hated" his golf friends and blamed them
for her husband's "obsession."

 In many marriages, the targets of this type of mis-
focus include, friends, family, work, recreational activities,
even church. This is not to say that these areas may not be a
problem. For example, if a husband has a friend who
influences him to frequent an adult lounge after work, his wife
would correctly assess that this is not an appropriate
friendship for her husband in terms of strengthening their
marital bond. The moral orientation of this friend is a large
problem, so much so that the friend would be seriously
detrimental to a marriage in Christ. The wife would deal with
this problem in terms of the debasing nature of the
entertainment, as well as the detrimental influence of the
friend on her husband. In situations other than these however,
it is important to communicate only her real needs or desires
in their relationship.

 If a couple really believes that love is no more than experiencing
their love initial attractions over and over again, then when those
feelings subside (and they will), they tend to believe that the value of
their marriage has declined as well.
 When the idea takes hold, the couple becomes susceptible to
feelings that undermine deeper commitment. Disappointment
ensues, and the couple may find it increasingly difficult to enjoy
activities together. Sometimes anger arises leading to more conflict
and even greater disappointment. Sooner or later one or both of the
spouses concludes that the love is gone and the marriage is over.
Researcher Aaron Beck (1988) described this corruptive cycle:
 ―There are several kinds of expectations that operate at different
stages of a marriage. The early, romantic expectations concern
loving and being loved -- continuously. One of life's cruel deceptions
is the myth that the intense idealization and infatuation that draw a
couple together will guarantee a loving relationship over the years.‖

 In some marital
relationships, however, togetherness is not defined
as a union of one flesh in Christ. Instead, the
partners believe that marital happiness and
satisfaction are acquired through an "incestuous
sameness" They believe that a marriage
flourishes and that a sense of personal worth and
values occurs only through experiencing an
intense love by their partner of their identical
interests, enjoyments, and pursuits. They have in
mind not just an ordinary caring and love, but a
notion of caring, affection and togetherness that
has a desperate character to it.

 Alongside this view of "desperate caring" is the belief that
being alone is distressing, deficient, unfavorable and fearful
(phobia). Persons holding such conceptions and experiencing
the accompanying emotions play a game with those around
them. If they think their spouse has intense love for them and
shares their interests, they are happy. If they think their
spouse's love is not intense enough or has different interests,
they view themselves as not worthwhile. Feelings of self-worth
sail back and forth. They want the marriage to continue
because being alone engenders anxiety and fear. Activities in
marriage involve collaboration.
 Antidote: Restructured Cognition: ―It would be nice if my
spouse enjoyed a particular activity, but I can still enjoy myself
without my spouse's participation."

 An individual with rejection phobia would likely feel that
because they were rejected in some way by their spouse they
were personally 'defective.' This dysfunctional attitude is
frequently accompanied by the perception that if they are
rejected by their spouse, they will also be rejected by other
significant persons in their lives, or by others that could be
significant to them in the future.
 This perception is unrealistic, and is actually based on several
cognitive distortions. These cognitive errors often lead to
further emotional problems such as anger, anxiety and or
depression, which can contribute to further martial
dysfunction.
 Antidote: Recognition of faulty thinking. There is no verified
information about what others are thinking or feeling. Some
may find him or her very worthy.

 A reaction of the spouse who demands Desperate
Togetherness. The husband (or wife) feels
trapped; the partner is manipulating and controlling
them in ways that prevent him from freely giving
their love to each other. There is a feeling that they
must be available whenever their spouse wants.
 Spousal obligations are not met. Both may feel
victimized and trapped. The spouse who feels
trapped in a definition of love imposed by the
spouse experiences feelings of deprivation and
oppression.

 The trapped spouse might mention feeling like a
"prison inmate" in this way: "You know when you
tell me I don't love you unless I do something your
way (then give a behavioral example), I feel
trapped. I love you and sometimes I want to be
able to express and show you in ways I really feel.
I want to show you I love you in ways and at the
times you want me to, but I feel imprisoned when
you expect and demand me to do it all the time.
Maybe we can talk about how to share our love
expressions, and the times we spend together in
ways that fit both our desires."

 DISTINGUISHING ―BEING PERFECT‖ FROM
―PERFECTIONISM‖:
 The holy spiritual Fathers of the Church were focused
on perfection. This is so well illustrated in the subtitle of
Book I of St. Gregory of Nyssa's Life of Moses (1978).
The subtitle of Book I is: "Concerning the Perfection In
Virtue."
 Christian perfection is not limited to the individual and
their relation to God and neighbor but to the marital
relationship itself. One of the petitions of the opening
Ektenia or litany of the Betrothal Service prays "[God]
will send down upon them perfect and peaceful
love, and His help, let us pray to the Lord."

 ―Perfectionism" is viewed as a cognitive-emotional aberration
by mental health clinicians and researchers. The Holy Church
Fathers were realistic in their understanding of Christ's words.
 For the Church Fathers, the human element must be taken
into account. God is infinite and humans are finite. God is
boundless and endless, humans are always in process.
Human existence will always be the ascent of a ladder, an
ascent that never reaches the top. Bishop Hilarion Alfeyev tells
us: "..this ascent is endless, as its aim is the unbounded
God.." quoting St. Isaac: "The limit of this journey is so truly
unattainable that even the saints are found wanting with
respect to the perfection of wisdom, because there is no end
to wisdom's journey. Wisdom ascends even till this : until she
unites with God ... And this is the sign that the insights of
wisdom have no limit: that wisdom is God Himself.‖ Alfeyev, Bishop
Hilarion. (2000). The Spiritual World of St. Isaac the Syrian. Kalamazoo, MI: Cistercian
Publications.

 It is in this spirit of understanding that the expectations in marriage,
both of oneself as a spouse and of the spousal behavior of the other,
should be formed. It is important to keep in mind and to apply this
marital ektenia petition of St. John of the Ladder, (1982) who said:
"Love, by its nature, is a resemblance to God, insofar as this
is humanly possible" [emphasis mine]. We have to remember we are
human.
 This is not to condone or justify any personal or marital wrong. It is to
focus on the good will, intention and striving for perfection in
marriage. A perfect and peaceful love in marriage would conform to
St. Paul's so well known description of love as he told the
Corinthians: "Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful;
it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not
irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the
right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,
endures all things. Love never ends; (1 Cor 13: 4-8).

 The range in which to practice imperfection tolerance is in the -1
to -5 range. Behaviors or performances below this range -6 to -10
are possibly serious problems that should be dealt with by more
invasive psychological procedures .
 Examples of behaviors most often reported by couples that are
most amenable to intervention developing imperfection
tolerance in the -1 to -5 range usually involve typical everyday
differences in lifestyle and behavior in marriages that all spouses
confront: leaving dirty dishes in the sink, dropping laundry on the
floor, leaving the toothpaste tube uncapped, over or undercooking
a dinner dish, missing an appointment, being late from work or
chore, forgetting a birthday or other celebration, forgetting to pick
up an item in the store, etc.

 Some behaviors are beyond imperfection
tolerance. These behaviors would rate in the
extreme minus range. All have to be dealt with
immediately, firmly and with interventions
appropriate to the seriousness of the behavior.
Adultery would be an example of a behavior that is
not to be tolerated and requires immediate spiritual
and psychological intervention. Consultation with
one's spiritual father or mother, parish priest and
scientifically trained and licensed mental health
practitioner is necessary. Prayer and the Holy
Mysteries of the Church will be the foundation of
any spiritual intervention.

 There is another category of spousal behaviors that is
beyond imperfection tolerance. These behaviors fall into the
category of extreme abuse. This abuse behavior is seriously
sinful and immoral and would certainly be considered illegal in
most Western governmental jurisdictions. Abuse falls into four
categories:
 Physical, (hitting, battering, spanking, etc.);
 Sexual, (forcible intercourse, inappropriate
touching, glancing, language etc.);
 Psychological (calling someone by demeaning terms "You
idiot, looser" [actually mild, often far worse words or phrases);
 Neglect (legally denying food, shelter, education, or necessary
care).

 Immediate protection from the abuse must be
enacted. This may mean physical separation. All
laws relating to abuse must be followed, including
reporting to the proper law enforcement agencies.
As some of these extreme abuse behaviors are
illegal, it should be noted arrest and incarceration
of the abuser after juridical procedures would
result. Medical and psychological treatment should
be considered and employed as appropriate.
Medical and psychological consultation is a
necessity in such circumstances. [Morelli, G.
(2005c, December, 04) Abuse: Some Pastoral and Clinical
Considerations.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliAbuse.php.]

 A priest may be a mandatory reporter in some jurisdictions
(The Seal of Confession is excluded)
 If an abuser approaches the priest for the Holy Mystery of
Confession. Sometimes it can be anticipated what the person
is about to say. Many times others in a parish may know
something and word has gotten back to the priest hinting at
some serious family trouble. Often a priest can "intuit" the
problem through the spiritual gift of discernment.
 In such a case I would inform the 'alleged' abuser you cannot
hear his/her confession at this time. The upcoming discussion
will not be a confession (thus not under the seal) on a given
disclosure. If it can be sensed by the priest that abuse is
occurring. All mandatory reporting laws have to be followed.

If the abuser comes to the priest, the priest must
attempt to convince the abuser to accept the fact
that they have as serious problem and must seek
the help that is needed and if illegal activity is
occurring to report to the legal authorities.
 Clergy also have to do all they can to intervene to
protect potential victims. This may include referral
to appropriate emergency psychological care. In
the most serious cases such as a credible death
threat, an immediate call to police and/or
emergency services would be warranted.

 Bad self-esteem is a type of narcissism (or
self worship). St. Paul told the Philippians:
"Do nothing from selfishness or conceit, but in
humility count others better than yourselves.
Let each of you look not only to his own
interests, but also to the interests of others"
(Philippians 2:3-4). The Church Fathers warn
against the bad self-esteem using the Greek
term kenodoxia where keno means esteem
that is empty, vain, hollow, groundless,
deluded and doxa means glory, praise.

 ―Self-esteem" means a true and honest appraisal of
both one's strengths and weaknesses, particularly in
reality-based therapies. We see here an inversion of
meaning where good self-esteem is close to the
patristic definition of humility. St. Peter of Damaskos
taught that, "The humble person must possess every
virtue...the signs of humility: when one possessing
every virtue of body and soul, to consider oneself to be
the more a debtor to God ... because one has received
so much by grace." Centuries earlier, St. Isaac the
Syrian wrote: "The person who has attained to
knowledge of his own weakness has reached the
summit of humility" [Brock, S. (1997). (Trans.). The Wisdom of Saint Isaac the Syrian.
Fairacres Oxford, England: SLG Press, Convent of the Incarnation; Palmer, G.E.H., Sherrard, P. & Ware, K. (Eds.).
(1986). The Philokalia, Volume 3: The Complete Text; Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain & St.
Markarios of Corinth. London: Faber and Faber.]

 In terms of the marital (or any)
relationship, continuously changing one's self-
appraisal (whether virtuous or weak) based on the
opinion of others leads to grave instability. It leaves
a person with so sense of grounding and stability
and makes him vulnerable to manipulation by
others. It can lead to a subservience to others that
allow a person to be controlled in ways that lead to
inappropriate and even sinful behaviors. When a
person has a recurring pattern of adopting the
opinions of others in their evaluation of
himself, depression and loss of self-respect are
frequently the result.

 One characteristic of individuals who have
an exaggerated need for approval
is evaluation sensitivity. They are
constantly monitoring the speech, speech
pragmatics and body language of their
spouses (or others around them) for either
their approval or disapproval.

 One can commence a questioning process as to
whether the approval of one's spouse is of absolute
necessity. This is an important question. It really
means asking if it is necessary for life itself, like the
critical necessity of air to sustain life. One way of
preparing an answer is to pose the question: ―How did
you think and feel about yourself before you knew your
spouse?‖ Most individuals would answer that they did
at some point not see the approval of their significant
other as critical in this sense. They were living
life without spousal approval. On the other hand, at no
point were they living without breathing air. Thus, while
spousal approval may be desirable, it is not absolutely
necessary.

 It is important to recall our Lord's words: "How can you
believe, who receive glory from one another and do not
seek the glory that comes from the only God?" (John 5:
44). Our holy spiritual fathers of the Church did not use
the words "approval" or "recognition" but rather termed
it philodoxia or love of praise, warning against it as a
spiritual danger. St. Theodoros the Great Ascetic taught:
"...love of praise banish[es] remembrance of God from
the soul. ..And when remembrance of God is absent,
there is a tumult of the passions within us" [Philokalia II]The
good saint said that from love of praise would arise a
"great swarm of all manner of evil." It influences our
moral judgment which involves "scrupulous
discrimination between good and evil; and this involves
sound moral judgment."

 We must continually reorient our life goals in terms of the
one and only real necessity. St. Paul told the Romans
what this is: "To set the mind on the flesh is death, but to
set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace" (Romans
8:6). It is the Spirit that is necessary for life, not approval
from others, not even from one‘s spouse. Rather, the
spouses must seek the Spirit together as one flesh. To
accomplish this they have to adopt the mind of doing
things as "as one flesh;" so that by glorifying and praising
God together, in turn His grace will fall on them as "united
in one flesh," not in competition with each other, but in
blessed union. The good race St. Paul spoke of is not
only a sprint run by the solitary runner, but also the relay
race of marriage. In this way both, in union with each
other, achieve esteem in Christ.

 Cognitive clinical-psychologist Albert Ellis (1962) considered
this "need" as one of the major "irrational beliefs triggering
emotional dysfunction," he discovered in his clinical research.
He defined this irrational cognition as: "The idea that one
should be dependent on others and needs someone stronger
than oneself on whom to rely." Ellis pointed out "freedom and
independence are endorsed in our society."
 This kind of psychological reliance on another person as an
absolute support is considered far off from what is true and
necessary for a stable and healthy self-identity. While inter-
cooperation and collaboration between people in our complex
society facilitates functioning like communication, the
production of good and services, transportation, and so forth,
it is irrational to maximize this interdependency by forfeiting to
others the choices that are properly befitting to oneself. [Ellis, A.
(1962). Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy. Secaucus, NJ: Lyle Stuart.]

 At first glance it may appear that the holy Spiritual
Fathers of the Church have little to say
on overdependency -- an important constituent in
marital discord discovered by researchers studying
the interpersonal dynamics of marriage. A closer
look at the teachings of the Fathers
however, reveals deep intuitions about human
nature and relationships that penetrate this type of
marital dysfunction.
 For example, St. Thalassios told us: "Our Lord
Jesus has given light to all men, but those who do
not trust in Him bring darkness upon themselves"
[Philokalia II]

 People with overdependency feel anxious and
nervous about making decisions on their own. They
feel safe when others make decisions for them.
Behaviorally they appear helpless and submissive.
Spouses with overdependency frequently ask their
partner for reassurance regarding the choices they are
making about current actions and possible future
goals. Frequently they feel more secure following their
partners' choices than any they could make on their
own and can include every day activities such as
recreation and meals or life goals such as occupation
and employment. This could be viewed as living in
"darkness,‖ as St. Thalassios told us.

 Cognitive Restructuring: The dependent spouse may
ask himself for "proof or evidence" of this irrational
need. Alternatives may be explored. In this
case, asking themselves (aided by a licensed, trained
mental health practitioner if necessary): "Was there
ever a time in which you were not with your spouse
and made your own decision about something?" can
be helpful. I have found that patients will first focus on
some poor decisions they made in the past, but with
persistence a great number of good decisions can be
uncovered. Then, clinically - or pastorally - I ask the
patient what they can learn from this new information
and interpretation.

 Dependency is a characteristic of children. Independence (conforming to
God's Will) is a characteristic of Christian adulthood. This echoes the
observation by St. Paul: "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought
like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish
ways" (1 Cor. 13: 11).
 St. John of the Ladder: On Unmanly Fears
 Step 21 of the Ladder of Divine Ascent, is titled: On Unmanly Cowardness.
He describes " ... a childish behavior within a soul advanced in years ... it is
a lapse from faith that comes from anticipating the unexpected."
 The inspired Holy Father pointed out "(F)ear is danger tasted in advance, a
quiver as the heart takes fright before unnamed calamity. Fear is a loss of
assurance." We will all go before the "dread judgment seat of Christ" as
individuals. Our accountability before Christ is an individual accountability.
As St. Paul taught: "So each of us shall give account of himself to God"
(Romans 14:12). I cannot imagine Our Lord being pleased with an
overdependent spouse going before Him and saying "I couldn't decide for
myself which was good or bad, right or wrong, I was afraid to make my own
decisions so I let my husband (wife) make my decisions for me."

 Some married couples feel their spouse should
spontaneously know and sense what they want and/or
need. They may feel that to have to communicate is a
sign of a lack of love. In fact it is quite the opposite — not
communicating broadcasts a lack of love. In the example
of Our Lord, early in his ministry he spoke in parables to
those who were "hard of heart." St. Luke comments on
the reason why Jesus did not speak, that
is, communicate clearly: "But they did not understand this
saying, and it was concealed from them, that they should
not perceive it…" (Lk 9: 45). But for those whom He
loves, because they love Him Jesus says: "…the hour is
coming when I shall no longer speak to you in figures but
tell you plainly of the Father" (Jn 16: 25).

 A wife may tell her husband, "I want you to be a better
husband." Or she may say, "I want you to pay more attention
to me." Alternatively, a husband may say to his wife: "I wish
you would be more caring," or "I sure wish you would be a
better housekeeper." These are abstract, meaningless
requests (similar to how Jesus spoke "in figures" to those who
did not love Him). Abstraction is the mother of ambiguity,
which in turn is the mother of multiple interpretations, which in
turn is the mother of discord. They keep hurling the abstract
words back and forth at each other. Couples who find
themselves in "abstract" (or no) communication often come to
perceive the other as selfish and even evil. The
misunderstood spouse tends to feel angry, deprived,
depressed and or frustrated. Sometimes labeling, or name-
calling arguments follow. Alternatively stonewalling, shutting
the other out, then a veritable marital cold war ensues.

 Behavioral Pinpointing: In the above example, in place of
the abstract communication, the wife might say to her
husband, "Charlie, I would like to spend at least a half hour
before bedtime with you each evening alone together, and just
talk and hold each other. This would allow us to share what
happened during our day. I would feel much closer to you."
"Joe, you are off every other Saturday and sometimes just
tinker around the house, I would love to have a Saturday lunch
with you for a couple hours and do something together." A
pinpointed statement the husband may say to his wife:
"Sally, I'll empty the dishwasher and put away the dishes every
evening, I really don't like dishes piling up in the sink. I would
really appreciate if you would rinse them and put them in the
dishwasher right after dinner. Unwashed dishes breed germs
and that is a real turnoff."

 The married should be advised that they endure
with mutual patience those things that bring
displeasure and that they exhort [negotiate] one
another to salvation. For it is written" "Mutually
bear one another's burdens and you will fulfill the
law of Christ." [Gal 6:2]. For the law of Christ is
charity…Therefore, by imitation, we complete the
law of Christ when we kindly confer good things to
others and sustain the evil actions of others. For
the married should be advised, then, they not
worry themselves so much on what they must
endure from their spouse but consider what their
spouse must endure on account of them. [St. Gregory the
Great. (2007). The Book of Pastoral Rule. Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimir's Seminary Press.]

 For Orthodox Christians, help is a problematic
concept. As an abstract construct help is
ambiguous and open to multiple interpretations.
The American Heritage Dictionary (1994) defines
help as "to give assistance to." This definition
lacks, however, an interpretation of the effect
of help on others, as well as the motive for giving
assistance, to name two important criteria. The
scriptural, patristic and spiritual dimensions
of help, offering a rich matrix for behavioral
evaluation. Consider some examples of what has
been called help that may occur in family
situations.

 Example I. A newborn infant has soiled
itself and the baby's parents help by
changing the dirty diaper and cleaning
their infant.
 Example II. A real help problem brought to
me in counseling several years ago: A
physically and psychologically healthy 7-
year old is helped by his mother to wipe
himself after toileting.

 Example I. A 2-year old is thirsty and asks his
mother's help to get him some juice from the top
shelf of the refrigerator which is out of his reach.
 Example II. Another veridical family interaction: A
mother, 16-year old son and 13-year old daughter
are in the upstairs family room watching television.
The daughter asks her mother: "what snacks are in
the kitchen cabinet?" The mother helps by going
down and reporting back to her daughter. The
teenage girl then tells her mother which snack she
wants and her mother goes back to the kitchen to
retrieve the snack she wants and brings it back to
her daughter.

 Example I. A working couple has a school-age child who
needs a ride home after a school event. The child's mother is
extremely stressed and tired after a grueling day at work. She
would have to go out of her way and be stuck in traffic to pick
their child up. The father, who had the day off, is quite relaxed
sitting around the house and playing videos. The wife calls her
husband and asks him to pick up their son.
 Example II. A working couple has a school-age child who
needs a ride home after a school event. The child's mother is
extremely stressed after a grueling day at work. The father
had the day off, is quite relaxed sitting around the house and
is playing videos. She thinks calling her husband would be
inappropriate. He would be displeased and she would not be
fulfilling her obligation as wife and mother. Tired and stressed
as she is, she heads toward the child's school, in traffic jams,
for the pickup.

A husband helping his wife who is eager to
learn household financing ‗herself‘ by
doing all the domestic bookkeeping
‗himself.‘
 A wife who insists on helping her
husband, who really enjoys
cooking, to help the marriage by ‗not‘
allowing him in the kitchen.
 A husband who helps his wife by picking
out the clothes she buys and wears.

 Mindless helping broadcasts a psychological need to nurture.
In part this may be related to a mindset of the spouse that
unless helping they are not living up to their marital and/or
parental obligations. This behavior takes on compulsive
qualities so that if nurturing or giving care is
impeded, anxiety, guilt or dejection is elicited. Each
time mindless helping occurs the doers' behavior is rewarded
(negative reinforcement of inappropriate behavior) by the
attenuated dysfunctional emotion. And the repetition
of mindless helping behaviors strengthens the behaviors, thus
making the inappropriate behavior more likely to occur in the
future. On the other hand, the recipient of mindless helping is
rewarded for dependency on others (Positive reinforcement of
inappropriate behavior). Dependent individuals are also not
provided with the opportunity to learn functional behaviors that
they are capable of learning

 If it is for the good and welfare of self and
others, physically, psychologically and spiritually, then it is
Godly. If it brings about harm to self and others it is wrong and
un-Godly. Spiritually, mindless helping stems from the passion
of pride, a mistaken understanding of the virtue of love, and
not recognizing that all family members have free will and thus
have responsibility for their own lives. St. John of the Ladder
(1982) tells us: "Pride is a denial of God, an invention of the
devil, contempt for men…. The proud man [male and female]
wants to be in charge of things." This is one of the features
of mindless helping. One member of the domestic
church, husband, wife, offspring , wants to be in charge of
what they think the other should be doing or not doing.

 Elder Paisios of the Holy Mountain describes the
deleterious effect of mindless helping on
contemporary youth: "In our days, many young
people have a strange attitude: they want to study
without attending school (they often participate in
school strikes, etc.), they want to have good
grades without studying hard, and they want their
graduation diplomas brought to them at the
cafeteria where they are sitting having fun." Such a
situation could only occur if the students are
rewarded for their laziness rather than held to
account for their studies.

 ―Thejudgment of man is one thing; the
judgment of God is another thing
altogether‖ (St. Dorotheos of Gaza) [Wheeler, E.P. (1977).
(ed., trans.), Dorotheos of Gaza: Discourses and Sayings (Cistercian Studies Series, No 33).
Kalamazoo, MI: Cistercian Publications.]

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